If brands were brutally honest. What brand would have what slogan?

Cloudflare: We're the single point of failure of the internet

Comcast - You don’t have any other options.

This reminds me of a movie from the early 90s called Crazy People. An ad exec has a nervous breakdown and ends up in an institution. He accidentally sends off truthful ads that he and the other patients write, they get produced, and they are very successful. It was a pretty funny movie. Some examples of the campaigns

"Metamucil: It helps you go to the toilet. If you don't use it, you'll get cancer and die."

"You may think phone service stinks since deregulation, but don't mess with us, because we're all you've got. In fact, if we fold, you'll have no damn phones. AT&T - we're tired of taking your crap!"

"Paramount Pictures presents 'The Freak.' This movie won't just scare you, it will fuck you up for life."

"Porsche. It's a little too small to get laid IN, but you get laid the minute you get out!"

"Volvos, Yes they are boxy, but they're safe".

Google: Don't be evil. We'll know if you are.

Nvidia: "Fuck you, pay me."

Target - Youll pay more to avoid Walmart.

Lego: the same product since the fifties, and that's actually a good thing

KFC: It tastes like chicken

@kaupas24 BMW now our cars have DLCs and subscriptions.
Let's add gamemification to the road!!!

Amazon should be "You want shit fast more than you want us to pay a living wage."

@kaupas24 Microsoft then: we used to monopolize the market by a shitty behavior (embrace, extend, & extinguish).

Microsoft now: we bribe politicians and have a good PR department to continue with our shitty new behavior (buying companies to fuck them up).

Nestle: doesn't your tap water taste better in our plastic, anyway?

Nintendo: you're gonna buy our game at full price on our console and you're gonna like it.

Niantic: thanks for your data, now give us $5 for this 2 cents worth of content.

Verizon Wireless: Because your dad gets a deal through his job.

Dasani: When you're desperately quenched.

Ibuprofen: Cheaper and faster than the American healthcare system.

Adidas - Because our founder's full name sounds inappropriate

Nissan- yeah, our cars are cheap-ish, and we finance ANYONE, but that’s so we can butt-fuck you on parts when our cars inevitably break, repeatedly.

Q-Tips: Of course they're for ears, but we aren't paying if you bust your eardrum.

Apple: You'll buy it anyway.

Going for positivity here.

Fluke: "Our $1000 multimeter is just as accurate as the $30 one you got at O'Reilly Auto parts, but you can actually trust ours to be accurate."

Red Wing: "You won't ever need a new pair of boots unless you grow out of them."

Costco: "Come for the hot dogs, get cheap gas on the way out." (Seriously, like half my trips to Costco are just for a hotdog and a tank of gas.)

Toyota: "This car will outlive you"

ARMALITE: Mass Murder for the Masses

Here's something-

Lay's: Flavoured air
WebMD: Yes, you have a terminal illness

Shein, Clothes by kids for kids.

Sprite "get thirstier, with bonus diabetes"

Harbor Freight: When you want it cheap and need it once

Pepsi - for when they don't have coke.

OpenAI: Neither open nor intelligent.

Netflix: we may cancel this series, watch it at your own risk

Reddit: The Front Page of the Internet (maintained by suckers for free)

Nike

Just let poor Asian underage and underpaid workers do it

McDonald's

I'm lovin' the wild deforestation of the Amazon rainforest that comes with it

Apple

Think different but still buy our piece of shit overpriced products so you won't feel excluded from the flock of moronic sheep you crave attention from

[edit: more came to my mind]

Reddit: If we wanted your opinion, we'd beat it out of you.

Applebee's: When you want a skillet meal, but can't be bothered to heat it yourself

Sysco would just drop any pretense of branding and rename themselves as "Famine, the third horseman of the Apocalypse" and nothing would change about their business supplying all of the fast food in North America basically.

Microsoft - we hate our customers