On Disappointment

I sing in a church choir and we do an annual fundraiser of Broadway music, which is quite different from what we normally sing. I have been singing a solo in this show for the past several years. This year I completely blew my solo. Despite all my preparation I could not perform the song, or even remember parts of it. To say I was disappointed is to say the sun is a little warm.

I was expecting this. A dark mook had been hanging over me all week. I was expecting to fail and, as expected, I failed. So what do I do with this feeling of disappointment?

My voice teacher tried several different tactics to talk me out of my pessimism:

• Since this is a church community and not an audition for a play or an adjudicated competition, does in matter if I screw up? Well, no, other than the high standard I have set for myself.
• Are the audiences experts who will notice every missed word or are they there to enjoy themselves? They're there to enjoy themselves, but I still want to entertain them properly.
• Will it matter in a week? No. Not at all.

These tactics did not really help, but I didn't give them time to get past my defenses. I sulked through the first performance, and after the second I wanted to go home and abandon the show, which would have only made life harder for a lot of other people. So I stayed.

Everyone complimented me. The closest I got to an accurate (i.e. that agreed my my own) opinion was our old choir director who was there and said "that is a very hard song." He still thought I did okay.

So now that it is all over I am numb about it and not really chastising myself anymore. I guess all that's left is to sort out what went wrong and how to improve the situation for next year.

First, I chose a song at the top of my range and even after transposing it down several steps I couldn't maintain the effort. I need to choose a song that is more fitting for my bass-baritone range.

Second, I did skimp on preparation. I relied on repetition instead of any of the other tools at my disposal to memorize the song, and I didn't engage in attentive repetition, which would have shortened my learning time.

Third, I told myself I was going to screw it up, and I screwed it up. I told myself I was going to forget the words and I forget the words.

I guess my biggest challenge is understanding what I could have done better in my preparation. What questions could I have asked myself to avoid this disappointing outcome?