Advice on starting the journey?

Sorry that I'm late to the party. My egg cracked last month. 31 MTF and I'm also figuring things out. My wife is also cis and she's also struggling to support me. I've been all over the emotional map these days. I have a daughter, but she's only a baby so maybe that's a bit easier to deal with. I'm not really through this journey so I'm not much help in terms of advice, but you're definitely not alone.

im still satisfied with starting at 49 even with all my struggles. i needed to and so i did. i can only advise what i know. transitioning has been worthwhile and im toughening up now that im standing alone. the harder the fight the more im sure i am on my own side now and taking care of me. im a garbage transsexual and on that point i could not be happier all things considered. fanning the flame of my own being has been amazing. accept what feels right in the face of your fear and do that thing. be brave. <3

Hey! I don't have much for advice, but I want to say you are so not alone! Almost 2 years ago I was in almost the same exact boat. It did take me longer to get comfortable with the idea I am trans and what to do with it, and my kids were a bit younger, but same! Same concerns.

My wife was also very hesitant, but came around to loving me for me and well see how the changes go. I haven't done anything too drastic yet, (neurodivergent tendencies make me stupid cautious and very slow to change) but I'm super interested in HRT. That alone was difficult to actually admit to myself.

Idk where exactly I wanted to go with this other than let you know others have gone through almost the exact same scenario.

Also put together a bit after figuring myself out, "oh shit!" one of my kids might be too!

Transitioning can be really tough, and a lot of people find themselves in your position.

When you marry a straight woman and you turn out to be a woman, it can lead to the end of the marriage. And getting to that end can be a difficult, embittering, and painful process drawn out over years. Lots of trans women don't feel they have a right to transition (because of how the dominant narrative is that we are selfish and immoral for wanting to transition), and so many of us never do, or we capitulate to the fears of the straight spouse and don't take some of the most important steps for our well-being. We hold on, we capitulate on our needs and our identity, and we think we're being responsible and good for doing so.

But not taking transition steps because of a straight spouse who is afraid of losing the person they married isn't necessarily as responsible at it may seem to us - trans people who capitulate and don't take seriously their biological & hormonal needs can be much worse for their family than they realize.

They can think they are being responsible and putting their family first, but all they are doing is delaying the inevitable and risking everything in the meantime. Suicide rates are very high for trans folks, and social & medical transitioning is the only known treatment that improves trans welfare. In my view, not transitioning is the more irresponsible option, even in this situation. You can't help who you are, being trans isn't a choice - it's genetic. Finding out you are trans is not that different than finding out you have another genetic endocrine disorder like diabetes or hypothyroidism, foregoing the only known useful treatments for that disorder is not a reasonable option, not only is it not what is best for your well-being, but by extension it is what threatens the well-being of people who care about you and depend on you.

Either way, here are some common pieces of advice I try to give:

• find yourself an individual therapist who is trans affirming, well credentialed, and ideally has worked with trans patients before
• find a couples therapist that is trans-affirming, ideally someone who has experience with trans patients
• start HRT ASAP, like it should be the first step. It's extremely low risk, the effects take months and years to happen so you need to get that started now, and the mental benefits will help you become a more stable and happy person making it easier to handle all the other difficulties and making you a better spouse and parent. For most of us this is necessary medical treatment (which I understand can be hard to take seriously when you're not on HRT, which is why I'm emphasizing it). Read this article several times, I highly recommend monotherapy injections, even if you have a needle phobia, like I do. I specifically don't recommend oral or sublingual routes (these can cause mood swings and inadequate & inconsistent blood estrogen levels), and anti-androgens like spiro commonly causes negative side effects.
• get very educated, read everything you can - I highly suggest Julia Serano (Whipping Girl, Sexed Up), as well as The Gender Dysphoria Bible, etc.

I should say, this conflict doesn't always result in the end of the marriage. Some people stay together and make their marriage more platonic. Some straight spouses learn that their sexuality was more open than they realized, and they continue to love and be sexually compatible with the person they married.

It's often not obvious to us what our needs are, so be careful about making promises. The first several months after social transition I wasn't sure I would ever want a vaginoplasty, and within 6 months of transition I was increasingly dysphoric and aware how bottom surgery would help me. Spouses sometimes push for promises to take things slow or gatekeep ... the system will gatekeep you already, going slow is only going to hurt you. So be careful about making promises you shouldn't.

Either way, I hope you are both able to make responsible choices that mutually respect one another's needs. Your wife shouldn't settle for a marriage with someone they can't be attracted to (they can't help that they're straight), and likewise you shouldn't settle for a where you are required to forego necessary medical treatment and consign yourself to suffering in a body and life that is not yours.