Hi there~
I've been in a polyamorous//specifically practicing ethically non monogamy for 8 years, 5 of which have been with the same 2 partners. Polyamory takes a lot of communication, a lot of feels come up, but the personal growth from it, and the lovely experiences have been so totally worth it. It's freeing in a lot of ways, and feels like a major heart expansion personally
I've given it a try and had a variety of experiences. It is not the way I intuitively relate to partners but it has been enjoyable as a practice that I have grown from
But I will probably return to monogamy. Either next relationship (last poly connection ended a couple days ago) or some time in the future. But for many people it is a revelation that you can do relationships that way.
It does require a lot of emotional maturity and willingness to work really hard at relationship building and personal growth though. If you go through with pursuing it, I hope it serves you well or that you positively grow and learn from the experience ❤️
If you want a poly relationship that works it has to start poly. It is very common for someone just getting into poly to hurt a nonpoly persons feelings by trying to be "suddenly" poly.
Right now my husband of 15 years is 500km away with his girlfriend of 25 years. And I'm pissed because they're having sushi and there's no sushi restaurant around us. I want sushi.
That's my latest poly story. I don't mind that he's having a romantic weekend with another woman (well, I'm happy for them), but I'm jealous of their dinner.
My experience is that there are a lot of people who tell you "how it's done" and they get very weird about the rules. I understand that comes from their experiences and the general aversion of wanting to not be associated with "poly couple hookup types" you see on Tinder or wherever.
I am poly, but typically just date solo. I've joined poly couples as a third, but it's never really felt right for me; I don't like hierarchical dating.
My dream relationship is a triad, but my god is that hard to find. I just want my little throuple commune in the woods. :3
I was sort of in a throuple once and it turned into a huge disaster lol. Also didn't help that we were all living in a 2 br house with 5 people and a dog.
Yeah I did a tried and it blew up. But triads are like that. They're really good when they're good and they're a disaster when they're not going well, unless you're really good at relationship skills.
I've been poly most of my adult life and I love it. My biggest advice is to have boundaries, avoid drama, and avoid culty polycules. Also make sure you have you time.
My wife and I both just aren't cut out for the restriction of monogamy even if we're only seeing each other at the moment
When I first met some poly people at university, it blew my mind. At first, I couldn't imagine myself in that kind of relationship, because I struggle with insecurity and expected that I would find that worsened by being polyamorous.
I came to realise that because polyamorous relationships tend to require a greater level of communication and emotional intelligence, that this was actually probably an easier dynamic for someone like me. Key to this was the understanding that if I'm feeling emotionally neglected by a partner, then that's between them and me, and doesn't need to involve comparisons to my partner's other partner(s).
I ended up identifying as a relationship anarchist in the end. It feels more comfortable than either monogamy or straightforward polyamory. In practice, the only difference it makes is in how I think about myself, but that matters to me
I'm pretty similar to this. And I also didn't expect to follow relationship anarchy
In the end, I was just following along towards the logical conclusion of what I thought of relationships, and what felt right to me. And maybe it's because I already look at the world from an anarchist lens, but as you said, if there's any issue with a partner, then that is between them and me, and I don't feel like it's necessarily relevant for me what is happening between them and someone else (so long as they're like, decent enough people that I'm okay associating with)
Paradoxically, it makes me feel safer in a relationship. I know they're not just with me out of a sense of obligation, but because they genuinely enjoy bring with me, same way a friend is. They're not beholden to some social contract, and are perfectly free to pursue another connection in addition to ours if they feel it's right. And same for me. It means that I don't have to feel like I have to artificially stop myself if I meet someone I like. It's liberating. It's what I could describe as a feeling of freedom. But of course, freedom does not mean freedom from responsibilities. It doesn't give you the right to neglect people
Then there's things like, not having all your eggs in your basket, or having people who engage with different aspects of yourself, and so on. Though that's less central
But of course, there's practical limits. We don't have infinite time or energy. Freedom only goes so far. But it's important to me that I don't feel restrained by social concepts of how a relationship should look like, but rather from simply what me and a partner would want in one. And freedom does have a price. It's not freedom for everyone, and it is less stable. It's just that for me it's worth it, and feels quite right
Same person, new user cause I'm transitioning LOL.
Well, I want to make as many people feel loved as I can, and I want to feel like part of a community. Both of those are achievable goals outside of polyamory, but I anticipate that I will be able to love people in a more full way if I am not worrying about whether a relationship is romantic or not. I guess that is a big part, that I get all in my head about where a friendship is going and (if I'm in a relationship) if I'm going to have to set some boundary to keep it from getting romantic or whatever, and I don't know, if I'm polyamorous I don't have as much to worry about.
Also, I tend to be attracted to all kinds of people because I'm pansexual, and I am attracted to probably about 1/3 of the people I meet, especially if they are my age. Probably less than that but it feels like 1/3. I am also interested in the variety it would open up to me, whether that's finding partners with shared hobbies, going do different activities with different partners, or exploring sex in different ways with different partners.
I am really excited about being polyamorous. Unfortunately, my partner was not interested, and so after a month of thinking and talking we decided to split up for that and some other reasons. So that's sad. But I also feel a sense of freedom from not being monogamous and I am optimistic about where this will take me.
While I myself am not (currently) poly, I do a few friends who are. From my experiences and those of said friends the hardest part of balancing the relationships is exactly that. Balance. I only ever went from one to two as I know myself well enough to know that if I expanded any further than that I'd start slipping on keeping up with people. My closest friend who is poly has 3, sometimes 4 people, and those people are with others who are not the same group. It's kind of a web of people.
Hey! Almost two years into my first poly relationship with two other people. I went in when they had already been a couple for some years now, and that has brought some insecurities, but we've been able to talk through them.
If you're up to try, that's great! But I have to warn you that there will be a lot of communication and misunderstandings, setting boundaries and constant work for you and your partners to be better people and better partners.
For me it has been quite hard, because I:'very accidentally crossed boundaries through misunderstandings and that has brought a lot of harm, but I've also learned a lot and live them very much.
My partner and I are nominally poly, but it fell apart last time. Basically, the metamour got a good job in another state, and my partner wants to stay here to care for his aging parents.
Things I would tell myself about polyamory when I was younger:
The public-facing poly community is quite possibly the most toxic group of people I have ever encountered. But otoh, poly people I have met via informal social relationships have been some of the coolest people I've met. Thus, the communtity (that you actually want to interact with) largely functions as "invite-only".
There is an obvious status heirarchy in poly communities. You are not allowed to talk about it. You must agree that the poly communuty is highly egalitarian.
Poly people talk about how there are no rules in polyamory, and how it is up to you and your partners to decide what you want your relationship to look like. They will then go on to explain their rules, and harshly judge people who don't follow them.
If you are going through an emotional rough patch, it can be amazing to have multiple partners supporting you. It can also be devastating to notice when your partners start prioritizing their other partners because you are no longer as "fun".
Open and honest communication is extremely important. Every poly relationship will require it, and it is an amazing skill to bring into the rest of your life.
Similarly, learning to deal with difficult emotions like jealousy and insecurity is an extremely useful life skill. Note: this will hurt like a bitch.
Almost every long term polyamorist will have "the time where polyamory really blew up in my face". Like, a seriously scarring instance of relationship trauma that they are still recovering from. You know you're committed when you come back after that instead of reverting to monogamy.
Taken the right way, this relationship trauma will be one of the best things that ever happened to you, because it will motivate you to work on the aspects of yourself that really need work.
Yeah for 1, I've noticed that polyamory just moves it from "all the good ones are taken" to "all the good ones are polysaturated". The "poly community" is largely people actively seeking more partners often and actively enough that you can tell they're the problem. It's also got a lot of people who haven't been doing it super long but are convinced they're experts.
19 Comments
Novaboros@lemmy.world · 38 pts · 250d
Hi there~ I've been in a polyamorous//specifically practicing ethically non monogamy for 8 years, 5 of which have been with the same 2 partners. Polyamory takes a lot of communication, a lot of feels come up, but the personal growth from it, and the lovely experiences have been so totally worth it. It's freeing in a lot of ways, and feels like a major heart expansion personally
Cris_Color@lemmy.world · 27 pts · 250d
I've given it a try and had a variety of experiences. It is not the way I intuitively relate to partners but it has been enjoyable as a practice that I have grown from
But I will probably return to monogamy. Either next relationship (last poly connection ended a couple days ago) or some time in the future. But for many people it is a revelation that you can do relationships that way.
It does require a lot of emotional maturity and willingness to work really hard at relationship building and personal growth though. If you go through with pursuing it, I hope it serves you well or that you positively grow and learn from the experience ❤️
Redacted@lemmy.zip · 24 pts · 249d
If you want a poly relationship that works it has to start poly. It is very common for someone just getting into poly to hurt a nonpoly persons feelings by trying to be "suddenly" poly.
MarieMarion@literature.cafe · 17 pts · 249d
Right now my husband of 15 years is 500km away with his girlfriend of 25 years. And I'm pissed because they're having sushi and there's no sushi restaurant around us. I want sushi.
That's my latest poly story. I don't mind that he's having a romantic weekend with another woman (well, I'm happy for them), but I'm jealous of their dinner.
MissesAutumnRains@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 16 pts · 250d
My experience is that there are a lot of people who tell you "how it's done" and they get very weird about the rules. I understand that comes from their experiences and the general aversion of wanting to not be associated with "poly couple hookup types" you see on Tinder or wherever.
I am poly, but typically just date solo. I've joined poly couples as a third, but it's never really felt right for me; I don't like hierarchical dating.
My dream relationship is a triad, but my god is that hard to find. I just want my little throuple commune in the woods. :3
octobob@lemmy.ml · 4 pts · 250d
I was sort of in a throuple once and it turned into a huge disaster lol. Also didn't help that we were all living in a 2 br house with 5 people and a dog.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 249d
Yeah I did a tried and it blew up. But triads are like that. They're really good when they're good and they're a disaster when they're not going well, unless you're really good at relationship skills.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 249d
I've been poly most of my adult life and I love it. My biggest advice is to have boundaries, avoid drama, and avoid culty polycules. Also make sure you have you time.
My wife and I both just aren't cut out for the restriction of monogamy even if we're only seeing each other at the moment
AnarchistArtificer@slrpnk.net · 8 pts · 249d
When I first met some poly people at university, it blew my mind. At first, I couldn't imagine myself in that kind of relationship, because I struggle with insecurity and expected that I would find that worsened by being polyamorous.
I came to realise that because polyamorous relationships tend to require a greater level of communication and emotional intelligence, that this was actually probably an easier dynamic for someone like me. Key to this was the understanding that if I'm feeling emotionally neglected by a partner, then that's between them and me, and doesn't need to involve comparisons to my partner's other partner(s).
I ended up identifying as a relationship anarchist in the end. It feels more comfortable than either monogamy or straightforward polyamory. In practice, the only difference it makes is in how I think about myself, but that matters to me
SkyeStarfall@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 5 pts · 249d
I'm pretty similar to this. And I also didn't expect to follow relationship anarchy
In the end, I was just following along towards the logical conclusion of what I thought of relationships, and what felt right to me. And maybe it's because I already look at the world from an anarchist lens, but as you said, if there's any issue with a partner, then that is between them and me, and I don't feel like it's necessarily relevant for me what is happening between them and someone else (so long as they're like, decent enough people that I'm okay associating with)
Paradoxically, it makes me feel safer in a relationship. I know they're not just with me out of a sense of obligation, but because they genuinely enjoy bring with me, same way a friend is. They're not beholden to some social contract, and are perfectly free to pursue another connection in addition to ours if they feel it's right. And same for me. It means that I don't have to feel like I have to artificially stop myself if I meet someone I like. It's liberating. It's what I could describe as a feeling of freedom. But of course, freedom does not mean freedom from responsibilities. It doesn't give you the right to neglect people
Then there's things like, not having all your eggs in your basket, or having people who engage with different aspects of yourself, and so on. Though that's less central
But of course, there's practical limits. We don't have infinite time or energy. Freedom only goes so far. But it's important to me that I don't feel restrained by social concepts of how a relationship should look like, but rather from simply what me and a partner would want in one. And freedom does have a price. It's not freedom for everyone, and it is less stable. It's just that for me it's worth it, and feels quite right
katja@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 6 pts · 249d
Formfiller@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 249d
My cousin and his wife did this and then they got a girlfriend and then the wife got dumped by my cousin and the new girlfriend
Coskii@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 4 pts · 249d
Why do you think that polyamory is the path for you?
I'm asking purely out of curiosity with no intended intonation into it. What about it is more interesting or enjoyable to you?
thestrike@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 184d
Same person, new user cause I'm transitioning LOL.
Well, I want to make as many people feel loved as I can, and I want to feel like part of a community. Both of those are achievable goals outside of polyamory, but I anticipate that I will be able to love people in a more full way if I am not worrying about whether a relationship is romantic or not. I guess that is a big part, that I get all in my head about where a friendship is going and (if I'm in a relationship) if I'm going to have to set some boundary to keep it from getting romantic or whatever, and I don't know, if I'm polyamorous I don't have as much to worry about.
Also, I tend to be attracted to all kinds of people because I'm pansexual, and I am attracted to probably about 1/3 of the people I meet, especially if they are my age. Probably less than that but it feels like 1/3. I am also interested in the variety it would open up to me, whether that's finding partners with shared hobbies, going do different activities with different partners, or exploring sex in different ways with different partners.
I am really excited about being polyamorous. Unfortunately, my partner was not interested, and so after a month of thinking and talking we decided to split up for that and some other reasons. So that's sad. But I also feel a sense of freedom from not being monogamous and I am optimistic about where this will take me.
Thanks for asking!
Coskii@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 183d
While I myself am not (currently) poly, I do a few friends who are. From my experiences and those of said friends the hardest part of balancing the relationships is exactly that. Balance. I only ever went from one to two as I know myself well enough to know that if I expanded any further than that I'd start slipping on keeping up with people. My closest friend who is poly has 3, sometimes 4 people, and those people are with others who are not the same group. It's kind of a web of people.
thestrike@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 182d
Thanks for sharing!
bibluz4@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 4 pts · 249d
Hey! Almost two years into my first poly relationship with two other people. I went in when they had already been a couple for some years now, and that has brought some insecurities, but we've been able to talk through them.
If you're up to try, that's great! But I have to warn you that there will be a lot of communication and misunderstandings, setting boundaries and constant work for you and your partners to be better people and better partners.
For me it has been quite hard, because I:'very accidentally crossed boundaries through misunderstandings and that has brought a lot of harm, but I've also learned a lot and live them very much.
Good luck on your journey and lots of love!
faythofdragons@slrpnk.net · 3 pts · 250d
My partner and I are nominally poly, but it fell apart last time. Basically, the metamour got a good job in another state, and my partner wants to stay here to care for his aging parents.
blarghly@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 249d
Things I would tell myself about polyamory when I was younger:
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 249d
Yeah for 1, I've noticed that polyamory just moves it from "all the good ones are taken" to "all the good ones are polysaturated". The "poly community" is largely people actively seeking more partners often and actively enough that you can tell they're the problem. It's also got a lot of people who haven't been doing it super long but are convinced they're experts.