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This post was put together by: Reddit u/Direct-Caterpillar77
I am not The OOP, OOP is Reddit: u/ThrowRA-TheGraduate
Post was Originally Posted to: Reddit r/relationship_advice
::: spoiler Trigger Warning Entitlement, emotional abuse :::
Original Reddit BoRU
Redditor Editors Note: the original BoRU was posted over 4 years ago and deleted, so reposting to bring back to the sub
Original Post
March 17, 2021
Hello. I don’t want to be content for your YouTube channel. If that’s your purpose, go away.
My gf finished college back in January. It’s been a long road for her - medical issues, mental problems and a change of major meant that her 5-year degree took seven. I graduated college a couple of years ago, and have been working ever since.
The run-up to her graduation was rough. She was stressed about her thesis, and I essentially didn’t have a partner for three months. I took care of everything at home, I helped her write her assignment, and I’m having a hard time keeping up at work, so I’m working maybe 5-10 hours of overtime every week.
For her graduation, I pulled out as many stops as I could. Her friends came to surprise her at a covid-approved distance outside our window, I made sure champagne was ready, and I had to leave the flat for a work thing, but came back ASAP when she had her final defence and got her grade. Which was the top one, of course, since she’s brilliant and poured her heart into this. I’d made sure her work got her flowers, and a lot of her family and friends remembered as well. We lived in a greenhouse for a good few days afterwards as they kept trickling in.
Anyway, we then went to pick up sushi of her choosing from her favourite place.
Now, for some context, I’ve been going through a rough time recently. I’ve been incredibly stressed, I’m in a new therapy schedule, and I felt very alone for months leading up to that day. On the day, work was particularly brutal. I’d felt like screaming the entire day.
When I graduated college, nobody really noticed. My girlfriend did a little thing with some champagne, but that was it. We did go out to eat as well.
So, when we were sat down for dinner, the immediate excitement of her grade and her finally finishing faded.
The last four months of emotional void kept creeping up on me, the stress of that particular awful day, and as much as I hate to admit it, a twinge of jealousy that she’s being celebrated so much more than I was.
As we were eating dinner, I was fighting back tears. I don’t know what the fuck happened to me. She could tell something was up, and I couldn’t keep up the facade for too long. I apologised profusely and went to get my shit together in the bathroom for a bit. I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t very fun for the rest of the evening.
Here’s the problem: she’s telling me I ruined her graduation from college. That particular word was used - I’ve ruined it. She told me a few days later, in tears, that I had to make up for it somehow. I asked her what to do, and she said ”just do what they’d do in a movie.”
Now, she’ll pull this line out occasionally. It’s an awful line, but I know what she means. She wants an over-the-top gesture, and it’s pretty obvious that she wants me to stage a new, fake graduation that I don’t fuck up.
But I’ll be honest, it’s hard. I just don’t have the energy to do it. She’ll bring it up now and again, and every time, she reiterates the same thing: The longer i wait, the more special and perfect it has to be.
I don’t do well under that kind of pressure. In fact, I hate it pretty intensely. So now I’m completely demotivated to do it, and I still feel a little betrayed.
On one hand, I get that she wanted the day to be all about just her.
On the other hand, I feel like I did everything I’m supposed to. I didn’t mean to get upset. I didn’t get angry, or lash out, or forget something, or fail to plan something up to code. I felt really shitty and started crying. And finally, I felt like it was the final day that was all about her on the tail end of four months where my needs, emotional or physical, didn’t exist.
What the fuck do I do? How do I talk to her about this in a way that doesn’t result in me feeling awful?
Tl;dr: Stress, emotional problems and general badness got the best of me during girlfriend’s college graduation dinner. I’ve now ruined it and she expects and over the top new fake graduation to compensate.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Fragrant_Spray: Do like they do in a movie? Invite all her friends together, lock them in a room, and design a series of physical and psychological tortures?
Your gf dismissed your feelings on graduation day, and is upset that you aren’t addressing her feelings by jumping through a whole bunch of hoops for her entertainment. This attitude will continue if you don’t address it. Never trust someone who expects real life to be like the movies.
OOP: I’ll admit, that made me laugh pretty hard. Thanks, man.
Fragrant_Spray: In the romcoms she’s thinking about, there’s usually a scene where someone makes a big effort to make it work with a partner, and the partner is unappreciative (at the least). That’s when the protagonist realizes that they’re with the wrong person, which the audience knew all along. They realize that they aren’t being respected and they move on. If she wants to compare life to a movie, that’s the scene I think you’re seeing.
CherryBomb214: If I may be so bold...it kind of sounds like you've spent a LONG time attending to her needs above yours so I ask you: when does she attend to you? You should in an equal partnership. Who is taking care of you right now because you've just told us you're spent and that's okay. We all get spent some times. The key is to surround ourselves with people that help build us back up -- not make things all about them.
I know this doesn't answer your question directly but I really want you to take stock of how things are in your life and honestly examine your relationship.
OOP: Rarely. I’m not good at expressing my needs, though, so it’s not all on her. She’ll do nice things for me now and again, it’s not that, it’s just that when the chips are down, I have to be the glue every time. That’s okay, but I’m really down about this because at least she could be appreciative of it.
NotPiffany: Are you really bad at expressing your needs, or has she trained you not to express them in the first place?
Update 1
March 20, 2021 (3 Days Later)
Hey everyone. Thanks for the absolutely overwhelming amount of advice and attention you guys gave me. It was wonderful and, admittedly, a little terrifying.
I had a talk with my girlfriend last night. It was actually about her birthday, which is today. Some may have seen my dread for that in the comments of the last post. It went down exactly as I’d feared.
She asked me how many party supplies and decorations we had - I told her that I reckon we had enough, and she was upset that I didn’t go out and buy more.
Just to reiterate, here is my current agenda for the day:
- Wake up at six AM to decorate the flat and get breakfast at a baker, including a custom-made cake from her favourite bakery that she likes. Keep in mind that her favourite rolls and favourite cake are in two different places, so I’m going two places.
- have breakfast together
- take her to see a castle she’s wanted to see nearby
- buy her dinner from a place she’s been saying she wants to try
- watch a film with her of her choosing
- let her go early to bed without any grief.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been told that I don’t put in any effort. See, none of these things count because she’s expressed a wish for doing them, or I’ve asked if she wants them. This means that they’re no longer surprises, and therefore not romantic.
I’ll be honest, that made me pretty livid, and especially so because she brought up the graduation again.
I told her that, in fact, I had given it some thought. We can have a day where we spoil her and get dinner somewhere nice or do something special, but I’m not throwing a new fake graduation, and I’m not accepting the premise that it has to be increasingly bombastic the longer I wait.
That didn’t go down well. In fact, she got increasingly angry that I didn’t understand that I’d ruined the most important day of her life so far. I asked her if all the gestures meant nothing because I got upset, and she said yes. She had to “walk on eggshells and couldn’t be limitlessly happy”, which ruined everything.
I told her how hard it was leading up to, and her reaction was to say I could’ve waited one more day to get upset then. I told her that I don’t feel as I get as much emotional support as I give, and she told me that her emotional support consists primarily of not leaning too much on me.
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. What the hell do I do now? This was the weirdest conversation I’ve had for a long time.
Also, if you’ll have me excused, I have to go pick up a cake.🙃.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
[deleted]: She's so ungrateful and nothing you do will ever be enough for her. May I ask what exactly she does for you? I expect her planning for your birthday to be nothing short of a weekend on Mars with a mariachi band. She doesn't validate your feelings at all or try to be understanding. Please, do yourself a favour and get out of that toxic relationship. You don't deserve to be emotionally beaten down every time there's a celebration.
OOP: It’s funny, really. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and she planned roughly something akin to what I’ve done - except the restaurant I asked for was closed on Mondays, something she hadn’t investigated before the fact, and I had to think of something else. And pick it up after work, because she wanted us to go together and get it.
She did get me a really nice present, though, so that’s something, I guess. I felt it was just fine, but I’m not sure she would’ve been happy with it. 🤷🏼♂️.
Anti_Meta: Bro. This is word for word shit my soon to be ex-wife does/has said.
Going to skip all of the 8 years it took me to figure this out but I'mma stuff it into one sentence and set you free.
These are red flags of extremely low emotional intelligence. Extremely low. Everything bad in her life will be your fault, logic be damned.
Run your fucking ass off. I mean sell yourself naked for a bus ticket and deal with nude in public later.
nickis84: Why are you with this drama queen? Can you imagine how she's going to be about her proposal? Heaven forbid you mess that up!
Update 2 An update from undersigned...
Apr 28, 2022 (1 year later)
I just remembered that this account exists - and I'm happy to come back and report that we broke up in the summer of last year.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, it got pretty ugly pretty fast, with her attempting all sorts of fun, manipulating things like going through my digital receipts, stealing my passport and the registration for my car, and gently implying to our common friends that I beat her.
So that was cool of her. We finished dealing with the last joint assets and dumb adult shit back around Christmas, and I haven't seen or heard from her since some time in January.
As for me, I'm doing fucking great. I live in a tiny studio that costs a fortune, but my career is going phenomenally, I've met all sorts of great friends, and perhaps most importantly, I recently started dating someone. She's fucking amazing, and she makes me feel appreciated in ways I didn't think could happen.
I get it now. I get why other people like relationships.
Holy shit, that relationship was bad. I spent a long time after the breakup coming to terms with just how bad it was. I had experiences like a one-night stand that showed me more affection than she did. Shit was wild.
Afaik, she's not doing too great. Life hit her pretty hard once I stopped being there to soften the blows for her - ironically, she'd always accuse me of being a loser that couldn't take care of myself, lol.
There's one main reason I'm back here, I guess. Go back and read my posts, and if it resonates with you, you deserve better. I want to let anyone know that no matter how deep that sunk cost feels, get out. It stings at first, but out here, you can breathe.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Sweet-Advertising798: This is fantastic news, and you're right, it will help a lot of other people in toxic relationships with narcissists.
Also - she stole your passport???!!! Wtf?
Are you still friends with anyone in the old friend group? Do they finally see her for who she really is?
OOP: Yeah - we had a box of "important documents" that she decided to swipe when she moved out, but she didn't remove my things first. It was my passport, my college degree (how fitting, lmao), the registration for my car, and probably some other stuff. She gave it back eventually, but it was a hassle and a half.
All of our common friends except one either sided with me, or cut me out. The last guy is how I hear things now and again - but he's keeping her at arms length after hearing the truth.
Update 3
May 2, 2021 (4 Days after 2nd update)
OOP showed up in the original BoRU comments
Hey everyone!
Wow, this blew up. I genuinely didn't expect this many people to care about how I'm doing, but it's nice to see. Everyone here is being incredibly lovely - and thanks to those who pinged me and told me about this thread.
I'm really glad to see those of you who said that they needed to read this, or the reminder to stick out the hard part. That's why I kept this up - I actually considered deleting it, but I wanted to pass my lesson on instead. If anyone wants to talk in private, my messages are open.
Just to answer a few of the questions I see repeated here and there:
Can you share more details about how she's doing?
Not really. I don't know much, as our circles very much disentangled after the breakup. I try to avoid her, and I've blocked her everywhere, so I don't get many updates except a loose mention here and there. I just know that she's been having trouble with dealing with everything on her own.
Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell, I think. I have no vindictive need to put her on blast - and my life isn't about her anymore. That's the best part. I'm not letting her live rent-free in my head any longer.
As much as I understand the spectator's desire to see a toxic person get their comeuppance, it's important to remember this: as long as I let her unhappiness make me happy, I'm still dependent on her feelings - just inversely so.
In that scenario, she still has power over me. I was truly free the day I no longer cared how she's doing.
(on that note: for those of you who said I got a happy ending, I don't think so. I got a new beginning, and that's even better. For the first time in years, it doesn't feel like my life is over.)
You were kind of shit too, weren't you?
Yeah. I wasn't a saint in that relationship, and while I maintain that I tried my hardest, I made mistakes too. I was bad at communicating my needs, bad at drawing boundaries, and bad at not keeping covert debts for nice things I did.
I'm working on being better. I've made conscious decisions to change those behaviours, and I've asked my new girlfriend to call me out on it if I ever do it. This story isn't black and white, although the shades of grey aren't exactly in the middle. I made mistakes too.
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