Here we go. Surely, you say, I've finally lost the plot. When somebody says "pocketknife," hell, when you look up pocketknife in the dictionary, the image you get is pretty much exactly this. How, in the name of all of ye gods, could the highly memorably named Mil-Tec M2000 possibly be all that weird?

Obviously, this is the other knife I picked up at my foray to the military surplus store as I recounted to you last week. A second glance reveals that this is new "military styled" manufacture and not genuine surplus, but it was certainly cheap enough and its deceptively dark OD coloration (which is such that it looks black under poor light) was beckoning in my direction. So I added it to the pile.

As it happens an all black version is also available, but that variant also comes with black coated blades and hardware and we all know my opinion on that kind of thing. As the owner of a wide and ever-expanding array of exciting array of metalworking apparatuses, I am of course eminently capable of repolishing a bare steel blade should the need ever arise. Painted ones, however, are considerably more annoying.

But trying to identify just what I was holding simply by peering at it wasn't getting me anywhere. The "Mil-Tec(r)" marking on the heel of the main blade is the only one on it, and it notably lacks any type of issue number, serial, or item designation. And it's just laser marked rather than engraved so that pretty thoroughly rules out any type of authentic milspec manufacture.

The other thing, of course, is how it's rocking this prominent Bundeswehr logo which is kind of tough to ignore. Or miss, for that matter.

Once again I didn't have the box, so my only recourse was going home and stuffing myself down the Internet Knife Research Rabbit Hole, and only after I'd already swiped my credit card. Just figuring out what the heck the model designation was for this thing was an adventure enough. Once I did I discovered that these are readily available from the usual array of online punters just as you'd expect, and also that I'd overpaid for this by about $2. Oh well; It was worth it for the novelty alone.

The M2000 is a chimera. Yes, it's trying quite hard to look like the 2003 facelift of the "GAK" Bundeswehr pocketknife, in particular the latter "OH GAK" one handed opener although prominently missing the one handed component. All of the above is a derivative (or vise versa) of the Victorinox Trekker, and this completely copies the latter's tool set verbatim. But again it's minus the thumb opening hole, and also lacking the 2/3 "wavy" serrated edge. Thank goodness.

Whether or not its model designation is deliberately to evoke the KM2000 German combat knife in order to underhandedly inflate its implied military association is a mystery, but it's as sound a theory as any.

The history of knock-off Swiss Army (albeit in this case one degree removed) knives is, of course, if not exactly storied then certainly still very long. As that kind of thing goes this is actually a suspiciously competent one. Sure, we have no idea what kind of steel it's made out of and they didn't even have the good graces to mark on it that it's made in China, even though it most certainly is. And Mil-Tec themselves don't seem to have any kind of real web presence that isn't just a bunch of resellers and AI written blogspam affiliate stores, so there isn't much to research there. Do you know, I have a hunch they don't actually have anything to do with Sturm Mil-Tec of Germany. They might be fervently wishing you thought they did.

A lot of replica military-ish stuff seems to exist under the Mil-Tec brand regardless of whatever capacity in which the stuff is produced or by who. Thus, I also thought it was appropriate to find something military-ish to do with it. I hereby present to you this field report:

[I ate] ...An MRE

I must admit I might let my sense of nostalgia overtake me and that led me to buy an MRE. To be fair, this one claimed to be a slice of pizza, which is not a variety I've seen before in all my years and this intrigued me mightily. And now that I've said that a dozen people will pop up in the comments and tell me how it's now the most common kind and I'm just hopelessly out of the loop.

I concluded this would either be spectacular or just spectacularly awful, and either way it would be a good time that's well worth the $6. So I stuffed it in my panniers along with all my other loot and rode off with it to camp that evening.

For the three of you left on the planet who are unaware, MRE stands for "meal, ready to eat" and is the current standard-ish field ration of the US military. Since every single damn fool thing procured by the US military is at the end of the day manufactured by the private sector, these things inevitably also became available to the general public for all and sundry, e.g. the various survivalist prepper types and/or those who like to play soldier.

Each one is a little vacuum packed shelf-stable smorgasbord of various odds and ends consisting of much more than the main menu item listed on the front. If you've never had the unique pleasure of dealing with one of these, every single component is also individually packaged in a plastic pouch and the complete consumption of one produces a prodigious amount of trash you then have to figure out what to do with. My current theory as to why this is the case is because these are produced in America. This goes some way towards explaining why they're not as popular with the backpacking crowd as you'd think.

Most of these pouches have what appear to the uninitiated to be tear notches so you'd be able to open them without tools. This is false hope. They never bloody work, so you have to cut everything open with your knife or a pair of scissors anyway. Naturally this gave my little Mil-Tec knife plenty to do.

Actually, while we're on that topic, little is one thing that the M2000 isn't.

It's near enough the same size as the Victorinox Trekker (lately renamed to the Trailfinder) that serves as its template. As far as I can tell, anyway, what with not owning the genuine article. The Mil-Tec version is 4-1/4" long when closed (107.95mm) and about 7-1/2" (190.5mm) with its knife blade open. The blade is about 3-1/4" long (82.55mm). That puts it firmly in the full size class, especially compared to the titchy little Swiss Classics that are what most people think of when they think Swiss Army Knife, as pictured above. It's 4.83 ounces or 136.9 grams, and decidedly chunky at 0.787" (19.99mm) thick across its scales.

Said scales are injection moulded out of what I assume to be FRN but may turn out just to be ABS, and the sound you get from scratching on them reveals them to be hollow. That part is certainly authentic, at any rate. And sacrilegious as it may sound, I actually like how they feel better than most real Victorinox knives I've handled.

The M2000's blade is quite acceptably sharp from the factory, which is a good thing for me because I did not pack any sharpening equipment on my camping trip. And, believe it or not, I usually don't. It had no trouble shucking all of my MRE's contents.

Any MRE that contains an entree (using the term as loosely as possible) that's meant to be eaten warm will also include a flameless ration heater, which is a porous baggie — picture one of those instant glove warmer things — filled with iron and magnesium powder that when exposed to water gets piping hot. These can famously be put to other uses as well, as enlisted men anywhere who have a ringing in their ears and a cold dinner will happily tell you. Its efficacy for actually heating your food is highly variable, and I found that my pizza slice was so thick it was rather a hassle to fit into the included heater pouch without folding it up like a taco. Nevertheless I did so anyway and dutifully filled it up with some creek water right out of my filter, leaning it against a Rock Or Something to percolate for a while.

Swiss Army knives are notorious for having stiff actions that tend to require the user to either have stout fingernails or pack along a separate tool for opening your tool to get the blasted things to cooperate. Their knockoffs are no exception and the M2000 certainly isn't, either. Putting mine away after this I thought the main blade in particular was singularly difficult to close until the light bulb finally managed its feeble glow above my head and I realized part of what's odd about the M2000.

Unusual but not unique among these sorts of things, the main blade here is actually a liner locker. I realized belatedly that I should not be surprised, since the current versions of several of the larger Victorinox knives work exactly the same way. But sitting there in front of the fire in my camp chair and with no cell service to research things, I hadn't twigged to this being so near a clone to one of those just yet.

Curiously the liner also pushes to the right to unlock, which is opposite the usual way. This makes the M2000 and indeed the various Victorinox models from which its lineage tenuously derives inherently lefty friendly, which is pretty uncommon. Especially in a liner locker, at least aside from the various special order left handed versions of Spyderco knives and so forth. So there's a piece of trivia that'll make you a real hit at parties.

I was initially worried about what cramming my slice of pizza into that heater pouch would do to it. It turns out my concern was unfounded, as the slice in question appears to be made out of a dishwashing sponge; the texture and consistency is about the same, and the cheese on top has apparently been affixed with some manner of industrial welding process. The dining experience is exactly that of a Totino's or Ellio's frozen brick pizza that somebody's microwaved far too long and then left out in the rain.

My MRE heater also didn't do a very good job of warming it up. I ate it anyway. I've had worse.

The rest of the package included a quartet of Saltine style crackers which are pre-shattered for the user's convenience, a ketchup packet that is actually full of peanut butter (presumably intended to be used on the same, but good luck with that), a single serving tube of I Can't Believe It's Not Gatorade, a truly microscopic packet of crushed red peppers for the pizza, a squeeze pouch of apple sauce which actually wasn't too bad, a pouch of jalepeno dusted cashews which was entirely too small, and a "chocolate flavor" "nutritious" energy bar with a suspicious but somehow strangely enjoyable texture. I did not receive the customary tiny bottle of Tabasco sauce with this one, alas. The accessories baggie contains the usual largely useless napkin, one sugar and one Splenda packet — brand name, no less — a hand wipe, a single serving of instant coffee, a packet of not enough non-dairy creamer to put in said coffee, and two tiny squares of chewing gum. And a spoon.

And A Spoon

The M2000 does not, in fact, contain a spoon. Contrary to most of these types of things it also doesn't have a corkscrew. I was all set to be miffed about this, until I experienced the moment of clarity that enlightened me thus: I have never, ever needed to open a bottle of wine in the woods and I never will. And even if somehow the need arose, I'm sure I don't need to tell you there are about sixty three ways to uncork a wine bottle without a proper corkscrew and any garden variety pocketknife will contain at least one of them.

It seems that no matter what set of tools show up on any pocketknife, some portion of the world's population will unerringly show up demanding something else. For what it's worth the M2000 has the usual knife blade, both a hooked can opener and a separate bottle opener (both of which terminate in screwdriver tips and the latter of which also has a wire stripping notch), and a saw which is very definitely not a fish scaler but is likely to be used as such.

On the rear there's one stubby Philips screwdriver and one pokey reamer/awl thingy which curiosuly does not include the customary hole, and nevertheless has never been used by anyone for any specific purpose, whatever its intended purpose may be.

It doesn't have a toothpick or tweezers. You're on your own for those. That, or pony up seventy bucks for a Victorinox. It hasn't got a keyring attachment point, either.

The liner lock mechanism also extends to the bottle opener and serves to lock that open, too. I personally might have preferred that the can opener be the other locking tool, but the larger of the two slotted screwdriver tips is on that end so that was probably the rationale.

All in all that's a pretty versatile set of tools that could be put to a decent array of uses you might find in the field. Especially so if you were willing to abuse several of the built in tools to do things that they probably shouldn't, but nevertheless soldiers inevitably will.

The Inevitable Conclusion

I like the M2000 in a twisted yet not entirely ironic way. I've handled a lot of Swiss Army knockoffs in my life and broken almost as many of them. This one seems pretty well built and even manages to feel nice in the hand.

I consider it a much better investment than that MRE was. And the best part is, it didn't even cost me that much more. Unlike its inspiration, it was significantly less than $70. We could all use a spare knife to throw in the tank bag or the glove box or the rucksack. Why not this one? It handily solves the #1 problem with a Swiss Army knife, namely the snapping shut on your fingers bit. And it's green, and it's got a cool eagle on it.

So, sure. What the hell.