Real Alpha Men™ drink their Vanilla Ice cream shake from a metal bucket while shirtless and listening to death metal

The little addition below the title made it clear it was satire. But unfortunately the title could have gone either way.

Thank you, I came to the comments just to have that cleared up.. Jfc

Real men boof their milkshakes

This also the way they drink bubble tea, poke an opening, then work the hole with their tongue to get the pearls out.

Two straws in fact. At about face level in what one might call a jerking motion....

I could take all this wokeness up to here, but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back

Weird, right?

They probably also think that Five Finger Death Punch is death metal.

No, it's accurate. They role play being hardcore when they're at the gym. It's when they get back in their truck their fantasy self image role play turns to good ol boy when the pop country comes on. Or sometimes 90's country because, in their mind, all country after that is part of that change they hate so much.

Then when they get home, they role play being a big leader man all in charge as they boss around their little children and make them say "yes sir"

Not death metal, but... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddrFt1BHkUQ

I'm guessing this is satire judging by the line "If the massive sugar rush causes your pancreas to explode, all the better. Real men enjoy exploding organs."

Check your genitalia because conservatives have labeled you.

Aren't all the tough guys more like in the pits of gatekeeping hell, regardless of subgenre?

where do you get your fashion advice