why I haven't gotten any work done today

Putting off finding a new apartment for the 50th day because I have an idea I want to test out. Not like the semester starts and my old lease ends in less than a month…

2r4m 😅

• Woken up @ 5am from the anxiety of being late to the new p/t job that fell through late last night (cancelled the alarm before bed, should've slept, brain said fuck that)
• Let the dog out to pee (he's patient, snuggly, and impervious to my brain's fuckery — lucky dog)
• Still dark out, too dark to justify eating, but cold brew? sure, that's foodish.
• Side-gig orders need shipping so they stop silently judging me from their boxes
• Boot up the computer instead, because that's what productive people do to get started
• Avoid important emails that need attn, I'm not awake enough yet
• Too early for meds, gotta time it right so I'm effective for the optimal window
• WTF? Why are there so many tabs in the wrong workspace — what was I doing last night?
• Oh, that's right: csrin. click through tabs for games I might check out meh.
• Is that stomach gurgle hunger or just black cold brew doing its thing? Sun's up, could eat. think about what sounds good Nah, not hungry enough to make that effort worth it yet.
• Biweekly therapy check in @ 10:30
• Have I fed the dog yet? Where's the dog? Ahshit.
• Let dog in so sorry little buddy
• Feed him. I am forgiven (by me — he didn't notice, and now there's fooood) Small win.
• Brush teeth? Nah, don't have to pee yet.
• Make food? No time. I'm late for something, just didn't recall what yet. Refill coffee.
• Dammit. How is it 11?! Fuck.
• Time for group telehealth. Hurry.
• Wifi's down? Thafuq. Troubleshoot. Preventative measures "for next time"
• 11:47 is too late to show up, text therapist apology
• Walk away from computer & that fail
• Stomach is pissed now. Make smoothie. Refill coffee. Fill water bottle. Let dog out.
• Dishes? No time. Main therapist in 10mins
• Made it! Yes! ...Drill down on trauma residue, "learn" calming/centering techniques, close out session feeling drained. Leave computer & bad memories floating near it
• Where's my water bottle? Oh. Smoothies warm now. Chug it before it tastes worse. Stomach is mad but full enough.
• Did I take my meds yet? Shit. pill organizer sighs Take meds to spite it.
• Put laundry from last week away? Not on camera, it can wait.
• Oh, new orders, better thank them immediately
• Why are there so many tabs in the wrong workspaces? Ah, right. Which games, again?
• Where's the dog?

... ad nauseum

Yay for Mondays.

Today's goal was surviving despite spleeping terribly.

Tomorrow's goal is getting an haircut, which is something I deeply hate. Hope I sleep good because it's past 3:00

I would really start with the pooping, as in NOW!!! Especially with an upset tummy.

Brush your teeth in the kitchen sink if you have to.

Set a timer to feed the fish - maybe have it not make any noise like just vibrate, and don't stop it until the fish is fed. If the timer is gone then the fish are fed. I can't handle pets rn though so what do I know... :-P I just really enjoy my patterns rn and want to share that:-D.

Fuck those glasses (not literally, that would make it way worse).

Today I was taking meds and immediately could not remember if I had taken Adderall yet, so I waited it out. I was pretty sure I hadn't, but I also didn't want to mess up. When it turned 2pm and I had not even remotely started doing anything useful, that answered my question...

Pill organizers don't help and I need to visually see how many pills are left so I can put in a refill right away. I definitely go on the side of caution when going through all of the pills each morning. I try to make a pile first, but I will also take one or two of them while sorting and not notice. I have to break most of my pills, so I know how each one tastes, the texture, etc. This helps fix mistakes if my brain really doesn't want to cooperate, with last resort of waiting if it is something really bad if I take double.

• Puts on jeans
• oh wait, I finished knitting that leg warmer, let's wash it for blocking
• hmm, maybe I will let it dry and mould to my leg while I am working
• removes jeans and puts on long sweater as shorts are nowhere to be found
• watch random YouTube
• ugh, it is sliding down and I need to make the icord
• how do I make an icord again? Which yarn should I use?
• I can't find that one specific needle size even though it doesn't matter
• give up and start it
• shouldn't I be working?
• get annoyed by teams messages and turn it off
• find different video and forget to continue icord
• stare blankly at work and go back to knitting
• what was I doing again?
• fuck, I really need to do work. What time is it?
• fuck. I definitely didn't take my meds.

Insert other moments of confusion, stimming, and failures as needed.

• I really need to make dinner. I can't let this food go to waste (again).
• Oops, friend sent a picture on discord.
• answering messages I've not been keeping up with all day
• sit down while doing so
• sink in and stim and stim and stim
• see a project I could do
• nvm, Lemmy
• ADHD post, relatable
• Okay. Gotta get up. Gotta do it. Okay. 3,2,1... Oh a discord message
• reply, then open Solitaire on my phone
• stim stim stim stim stim
• halfway through the game, remember the Lemmy post
• lol so relatable. Type this out...
• probably will go back to the solitaire game (playing Yukon, fun) until I can win or until stimming starts to hurt
• really need to make food....

meeeeeeee

Don't leave us in suspense, did you feed the fish or not?

I worked very hard all day on very small things. I was pretty well rested and properly medicated.

At the end of the day, however, I had made progress forward, but also had discovered issues with my earlier work, setting me back an amount commensurate with my progress.

Tuesday will be more challenging, I have some things that are causing me anxiety, and I expect them to be worse Tuesday. Whee.