The NYT was roundly mocked for the original headline and has now changed it to
No One at Waffle House Remembers FEMA Official Who Says He Teleported In
The NYT was roundly mocked for the original headline and has now changed it to
No One at Waffle House Remembers FEMA Official Who Says He Teleported In
57 Comments
smuuthbrane@sh.itjust.works · 65 pts · 141d
"FEMA official blacked out and came to at a Waffle House"
FTFY
BillyClark@piefed.social · 15 pts · 141d
I have a proposal to add this to the Waffle House FAQs, if they have them.
Q: I teleported to Waffle House. Am I a god? Was I abducted by aliens? Am I the most important person in history?
A: While we cannot definitively rule out any of those things, every time this has happened in the past was due to the customer blacking out and going to the only place that was open at the time. In fact, this situation accounts for a large portion of our revenue. Don't think of yourself as a pathetic brainless drunk loser. You're an important part of the economy.
T156@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 140d
If memory serves, he also claimed to have been driving when he teleported into a ditch 50 miles away.
Which just comes across like he was driving when he really shouldn't have been (Drunk/Tired and Emotional), and fallen asleep whilst on the road.
Tollana1234567@lemmy.today · 5 pts · 140d
waffle house has a homing beacon signal for drunk/drug addicts, they natural hone it on it.
HairyHarry@lemmy.world · 45 pts · 141d
You actually have to be an expert to be dubious of this?
If yes, what kind of expert?
silence7@slrpnk.net · 40 pts · 141d
The kind of expert Waffle House hires or feeds:
tal@lemmy.today · 26 pts · 141d
Reporter: "Hello, I'm from the New York Times, and I'd like to ask whether you're aware of anyone who has teleported to this Waffle House?"
Waffle House employee: Thinking "there are some real weirdos who come in here". "Uh, no."
nutbutter@discuss.tchncs.de · 4 pts · 141d
This statement looks like it came from a redacted document from FBC headquarters. What in the Remedyverse is this?
P00ptart@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 141d
I suspect that this story is linked to the one below somehow...
https://www.sciencealert.com/scientists-engineered-a-plant-to-produce-5-different-psychedelics-at-once
timestatic@feddit.org · 1 pts · 140d
That should become an SCP honestly. Just some one that randomly teleports you to waffle house or some other food related business but no one believes theres anything wrong
MerryJaneDoe@piefed.world · 29 pts · 141d
First, who the fuck is an expert on teleporting to Waffle House?
Second, why the fuck are the experts "dubious" instead of incredulous or openly condescending? JFC, c'mon experts, do better!
limelight79@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 140d
I thought the use of "dubious" was hilarious. It's quite an understatement, like, "Yeah, that may not have happened," avoiding calling him a liar directly, but conveying that it's extremely unlikely.
timestatic@feddit.org · 1 pts · 140d
Who knows, they don't wanna be wrong in ruling out the impossible, because what if just a rift opened up and pulled him to waffle house. Better not wanna state facts before investigating :O
wesdym@mastodon.social · 0 pts · 140d
@limelight79 He might NOT be lying, and while you and I are free to say that, media and prominent figures are not, because it's an allegation.
An allegation is a claim of fact supplied without evidence. If it's potentially damaging, it can rise to defamation, and trigger a potentially costly lawsuit.
A 'lie' isn't merely something untrue. It must be something the claimant KNOWS is untrue, at the moment they claimed it. And to make that allegation, you must be able to PROVE that.
/2
wesdym@mastodon.social · 0 pts · 140d
@limelight79 2/ We don't really know what he believed at the time he said this. No technology exists to prove it either way, and short of very unlikely evidence such as a dated and notarized letter affirming intentional mistruth, or a credible witness to such admission, you can't really PROVE he lied.
A person who sincerely believes a falsehood is not lying; they're just wrong. To accuse them of lying is to impugn their character, and for public figures that can be defamation.
/3
wesdym@mastodon.social · 0 pts · 140d
@limelight79 3/ Again, it doesn't matter what you or I say, because we're not prominent enough for ANYTHING we say to constitute defamation. Nobodies like us recklessly say shit all the time, and no one cares. We can't impugn the man's character.
But a media organ or other public figure can, and so they can't accuse people of lying unless they can prove it -- which is very difficult. Such reckless talk can get them hauled into court and made to pay stiff penalties.
#
limelight79@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 140d
Uh yeah that's why I said they avoided directly saying he was lying.
Buffalox@lemmy.world · 24 pts · 141d
Strangely after teleporting I always wake up with a headache and memory loss.
SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world · 14 pts · 141d
And for some reason it's always right after twenty beers
Buffalox@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 141d
Surely that's a coincidence. If it was the beer, how come you don't teleport a little bit after 1 beer?
My logic is infallible, and by my logic we can 100% exclude that beer has anything to do with it.
The power of deduction baby. 😋
P00ptart@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 141d
Bruh, you weren't drinking beers, those were glasses of Ayahuasca.
notabot@piefed.social · 2 pts · 141d
It's terrible what the aliens do to people after they scoop them up and before they teleport them back to Earth. There's probes and prodding and general dubious medical practices. That's probably what causes it. I've heard they use certain solvents to pacify people first though, so you might fail a breath test when you first return.
Buffalox@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 141d
Yeah I think they are examining my head a bit too much. So much I'm sometimes also dizzy from it?!
P00ptart@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 141d
I haven't teleported since this one time where I immediately got lost and had to ask a dragon for a ride home. I woke up naked on my neighbor's porch with a tattered ribbon of red silk tied around my penis.
webp@mander.xyz · 16 pts · 141d
Who are the teleportation experts?
Nastybutler@lemmy.world · 11 pts · 140d
BanMe@lemmy.world · 14 pts · 140d
The sad thing here is the real underpinning: Guy had a fugue, which can be super alarming, and rather than contact his doctor or a doctor or, you know, even asking an AI, he decided he teleported and then decided to go public with that info. Now I hope someone talks to him. Transient fugue states can be normal and harmless but this can be a sign of something more serious, like epilepsy or brain changes. But also please someone fire him quickly.
paraphrand@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 141d
Teleportation experts.
rekabis@lemmy.ca · 12 pts · 140d
…When mentally ill people are put in charge of the nation’s government…
TrippinMallard@lemmy.ml · 2 pts · 140d
All according to plan
sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 10 pts · 140d
So... going with the bit here...
At what point does the SCP Foundation step in?
Because to me, this sounds like either a cousin or variant of SCP - 7819.
... Its Keter class... people are not supposed to know about this.
apftwb@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 140d
We must assemble an panel of experts to discuss on the evening news. Both sides have legitimacy that must be explored. The segment must end inconclusively leaving it to you, the viewer, to decide on if the head of FEMA was teleported for a Waffle House against his will or if he was blackout drunk.
Aneb@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 140d
I teleported 15 blocks a month ago at 2am. I was leaving a bar, things go dark and I'm at a bus stop a mile away. The trippy thing was that no buses were running atm. I ordered the cheapest uber of my life and got back home.
dan1101@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 141d
"Experts are dubious" ok that's sorta funny, but it's too bad this is such a serious position being held by a blackout Christian drunk.
Paranoidfactoid@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 140d
I'm going to guess this was at 2am in the morning after a night of drinking at the local strip club. He just found himself at a table hungover, with a coffee and a plate of greasy bacon and eggs, wondering how he'd got there. Must have been a UFO portal. Couldn't possibly have been a drunken blackout. No, siree.
lIlIlIlIlIlIl@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 141d
No we’re not doing “experts are dubious.”
We’re at “society is sick of this shit go away asshole,” and have been for some time now.
tal@lemmy.today · 3 pts · 141d
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Understatement
MerryJaneDoe@piefed.world · 5 pts · 141d
Your average American is not intelligent enough to decipher the clever wordsmithing of the average journalist.
In an age where sensationalistic headlines are the norm, an understated headline can seem to lend credibility to the absurd.
This is not a problem, though. I enjoy eating popcorn and watching the world burn.
6stringringer@lemmy.zip · 6 pts · 141d
Teleporting to a WH? Easy breezy. No problem whatsoever. It’s the teleportation outta there that I have some difficulty with.
Treczoks@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 140d
Don't they have mental health screening for employees at FEMA? Maybe it is time to take care of this person.
ishartdoritos@lemmy.zip · 3 pts · 139d
they do. They only hire the people with the highest scores on the results.
interdimensional_sharts@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 140d
Experts? Experts of what exactly? Teleportation?
CobraChicken3000@lemmy.ca · 5 pts · 141d
Well, I feel safe in knowing that my life and property is in secure and competent hands 🫤
Blackfeathr@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 141d
I'm dubious, does that make me an expert? Can I start getting the expert checks?
solrize@lemmy.ml · 3 pts · 141d
Experts are dubious that he teleported to Waffle House. CNN investigation reveals it was really an IHOP.
Dr_Fetus_Jackson@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 141d
Generally speaking, wtf?!
tal@lemmy.today · 6 pts · 141d
Oh, come on. It's late at night, you're really craving some mouthwatering chicken-fried steak and syrup-drenched waffle. You find yourself falling deeper and deeper into the mental image, and then suddenly you feel the world twisting around you and a sharp dropping sensation and, bam, there you are, in a booth at Waffle House. We've all been there, at one point or another.
hateisreality@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 140d
Sober‽
sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 4 pts · 140d
No, but admitting you you're an alcoholic is lame, whats cool is developing a cover story and the believing in it so hard that you genuinely believe, and espouse, for years, that a supernatural phenomenon has occured, and this this is really super serious guys come on why don't you believe me?!?!?!
hateisreality@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 140d
Just making sure I'm on the same page. Also alcoholics go to meetings.
sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 2 pts · 140d
Well we're gonna need a support group for those who suffer from inexplicable spontaneous wafflehouse teleportation.
Spacehooks@reddthat.com · 2 pts · 140d
I wonder if he having some sort of seizures. I saw an episode of scrubs were it was non apparent when it was happening but they regain consciousness and are confused.
GhostFish@piefed.social · 2 pts · 140d
I felt like I teleported the first time I smoked weed, but I know that I didn't literally teleport.
Fedizen@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 141d
Also people who aren't experts are raising a single eyebrow.
Gsus4@mander.xyz · 1 pts · 140d
NYT is dubious too if with all their resources this is the editorial choices they make...and the standard they set...
foggy@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 140d
Ah, he tried xanax.
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 0 pts · 140d
I think we should take it seriously. He clearly has Dissociative Identity Disorder. He needs to be hospitalized for his own well-being until we sort it all out.