WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its “absolute best” by personally checking the erection strength of all servicemen over the age of thirty, according to confused sources within the Pentagon.
Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier
https://thehardtimes.net/breaking/hegseth-to-personally-test-erection-strength-of-each-soldier/
29 Comments
heliotrope@retrofed.com · 78 pts · 22d
Newspaper name checks out.
ZeroCool@piefed.ca · 16 pts · 22d
lol, definitely a relevant name for this piece! The Hard Times is actually one of my favorite satire sites. Unfortunately their output has slowed in the last year. But when they do post something new it’s usually amusing enough to share here.
whyNotSquirrel@sh.itjust.works · 9 pts · 22d
do they update articles once their satire become reality?
elvith@feddit.org · 5 pts · 22d
They just republish them with a new date on their serious part of the website…
Grimy@lemmy.world · 20 pts · 22d
"I can tell a man's testosterone level by the feel and texture of his balls. Takes a few seconds of fondling but it works!"
HubertManne@piefed.social · 11 pts · 22d
nonsense. only the tongue is sensitive enough for these types of measurements.
ZombieCyborgFromOuterSpace@piefed.ca · 2 pts · 22d
Just like how you can detect if someone has diabetes by tasting their urine. Gotta do a teste taste test.
HubertManne@piefed.social · 3 pts · 22d
well yes of course. just like you taste semen to determine testosterone levels. I mean we are all medical men here.
Dojan@pawb.social · 1 pts · 22d
Everyone knows it's about the mouthfeel.
nullspace@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 22d
Penis Inspection Day is official US policy now.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 22d
Dicks up boys!
altphoto@lemmy.today · 12 pts · 22d
They say you can only truly know a guy is you've had a mile of his cum. I guess you could walk a mile in his shoes but what if he's wearing the shoes? I think the cum option is better. And it's easy because guys only cum a few spoonfuls at a time. So you can take that mile in about a year of carefully sucking each guy. Hopefully this can be implemented right away. Remember to eat a few pieces of pineapple guys, it makes it taste good.
20cello@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 22d
His goal since the beginning
athairmor@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 22d
Instead of bouncing quarters off their beds…
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 22d
next test he implements will be butt clinch strength. because we know butt clinch strenth has been declining in the male population because of all the gay frogs we keep shoving up our butts.
gotta keep those asses TIGHTLY CLOSED. gotta prevent those gay frogs from getting up in there boys!
jaybone@lemmy.zip · 3 pts · 22d
“I’ve got a roll of quarters in my pocket. Let’s go see your bed.”
melsaskca@lemmy.ca · 5 pts · 22d
"Attention!" has taken on a whole new meaning.
MrKoyun@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 22d
Perfect photo
UncleArthur@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 22d
I'd be out; Velma is way hotter than Daphne imo.
Edit: looks like people haven't read the article.
SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca · 3 pts · 22d
Daphne..eu. Velma is a freak in the sheets.
mnemonicmonkeys@sh.itjust.works · 3 pts · 22d
I... Uh... Huh?
I don't get how this is relevant to the thread
UncleArthur@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 22d
FTA:
"He’ll also reportedly be issuing dishonorable discharges for any fighter who gets hornier for photos of Scooby‑Doo’s Velma over the ‘way hotter’ Daphne.”
SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca · 3 pts · 22d
Jinkies!
D_C@sh.itjust.works · 4 pts · 22d
The obese orange imbecile initially wanted to do it, but backed out once they told him the soldiers were actually older than 12.
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 21d
with his mouth?
Hadriscus@jlai.lu · 2 pts · 22d
brilliant
whereitsat@lemmy.zip · 2 pts · 22d
jesus. what's up with his old man hands? you know he never washed dishes in his life, so what's going on?
i love the look though lol. blue suit, red tie, crisp white shirt--not-so-subtle nod to the american flag, which is supposed to make all his whiney diarrhea go down nice and easy. you see, this is a guy who really cares about his country! i've never even seen a pic of george washington giving respect to the flag like that.
this look is called 'patriot core' btw.
some loser who gets paid 200k a year to 'style' these dweebs came up with this, and the sad thing is that it probably works.
SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca · 4 pts · 22d
Hegseth famously does not believe in germs.
Lushed_Lungfish@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 22d
I remember an old WW2 vet once told me that his cohort was getting medically inspected and that they were thus duly fallen in and had to "present themselves" in actual drill.