Been alone and almost always indoor since 2018.

No other person with autism on reddit or Lemmy is in a similar situation.

I am not in your exact situation, but trust me I fucking know that gut-wrenching where you feel so lonely and like a waste of flesh and a social failure, that feeling when you look through the slit next to your curtains and you can see how normal people just "live" as if it was easy, happy couples outside and birds and everything going on, but you're the same person, sitting in the same room looking at the same screen in front of the same wall. I feel you when I remember the feeling of "everyone can do it, but why was I born this way? Who took away my ability to be normal and do human things? Who forced me to withdraw because it's soul crushing to take 10 tries for completely normal and arbitrary things?". That feeling when you're back to square one. And you've been there, you've seen it, you've tried the careful route, you've tried the reckless route, but nothing made it easier, and people still don't understand you.

What I'm trying to say is, I feel you. We're not the same but those feelings are unfortunately really engrained in my brain. They come and go but they are familiar.

And I wish I could tell you it disappears forever at some point, but it doesn't for me. It's still there, comes and goes in waves, and I am fighting hard just to be able to live the normal way.

The only thing I can tell you is that you get used to it to some degree, and you learn and make less mistakes and learn more ways of dealing with things, you also learn when no one is looking so that sometimes you can stop masking and just be yourself. You also realize normal people don't have to work as hard for these things, so having to be so adaptable suddenly gives you some very interesting skills.

I hope things get better for you. I hope your dad understands how hard life is for you sometimes and I hope he doesn't think of you as a failure, and just as someone who is different. I hope you find a way to live your life, not in a normal way, but in a way that suits you and I hope you get through what I can only assume is a really challenging chapter of your life.

Please don't give up, it's people like you who we need most in the future to help us through tough times. I'm sure eventually you'll be an awesome friend to a few people, and an awesome partner to someone else and until then I hope you keep going and find a way.

I'll be here, feel free to dm me, I'm always down to talk <3

passing by just to wish you luck.

I don't know what to say, friend, but I'm holding you in my heart.

(I will be the ignorant asshole for those who want to interpret my comment like that.)

I’ve been in a very similar situation. If you want my advice: change something, anything in your life.

Gain a new perspective. The change doesn’t have to be for the “better”, neutral change is good, too. “Breaking free” is the goal. Getting rid of stiff patterns.

Maybe start with something you can do inside, like calisthenics without any tools. For example push ups with knees touching the floor or just move in one spot as fast as you can until you are out of breath - FEELING YOURSELF is the goal and doing something different than usual.

You have to know that what you have experienced over these last 8 years would change everybody who had to endure it, autistic or not.

Let me tell you, once you try new things you will gain confidence in your self and your abilities to DO shit. That’s called “perceived self efficacy” (or so).

The more you do something new or foreign, the easier new and foreign things will be in the future.

You are responsible for your life. Being autistic, and having endured these last years are part of your own, personal battle of life.

Everybody fights their battle. You fight yours. The fact that you feel very low right now is part of Your battle.

You don’t give off retarded vibes.

You can win.

Edit: Have you ever shaved your head? Try it. Feel what is different. Do you grow a beard?shave it, just to feel a small change.

Do you have some form of mental health counselling, therapy or similar? You can certainly look it up, and call them.

If the autism is a handicap you can only judge yourself. I don’t mean to be judgemental. Whatever feels difficult is part of your battle.