I’m not angry. I was never angry. I’m just…so sad. I wish I had understood.
This whole time I’ve been terrified of making a mistake and locking myself into a mortgage on an apartment that wasn’t the right one - I intended for this to be my home for the rest of my life, or at least for the next twenty years. I was so stressed about the possibility of picking wrong, and turns out I made a huge mistake right from the first because I hadn’t understood the nature of the agreement or hence the search.
I don’t know exactly what would be different if I HAD understood, but I’d have set my hopes somewhere different and not be grieving them now
My personal view is that some rage is entirely justified in this situation. My view only, but I think you were misled, possibly accidentally, but still misled. I also think that your family suffered a rush of blood to their collective heads when the process started, and their expectations altered in consequence as they realised all the various possibilities available. But imo they are primarily thinking of their own needs/wants, and I think yours got lost along the way.
Now, however, you are in receipt of much more accurate information and can go forward armed with that.
I do think that your family needs to consider whether or not they actually need to buy a dedicated apartment for their own use. One that has nothing to do with you and which fits their needs perfectly. You can even help them search for it. You can still offer hospitality as and when required if that suits you, but if they are going to be that picky about the space they need then they need to understand the consequences and costs - to you as well as them.
Your needs come first here. After all, you are going to be living in the space full time and your needs should be the priority imo.
This might be a bit cheeky, but you could ask if they will let you have a locked room, for your own exclusive use, at their house in Mornington. Because I bet they will refuse because 'it's their house'. This might bring home to them exactly what they are asking you for.
I will never be able to afford the kind of home I want.
That was the appeal of it for me. The extra money meant I could stretch to "a comfortable apartment" rather than "a student shitbox with no kitchen or natural light"
I thought provision and use of a guest room was a fair exchange for being able to buy and live in something nicer. So I agreed...
My understanding of what I was providing them came largely from what they provide me - the guest room they set up has their art on the walls and a few useful items (a small ladder etc) in the wardrobe, which is about the level of use I imagined.
I imagined some bookshelves and a chair in one corner so I could sit in there and read if they weren't staying. Maybe a picture hanging. That's all.
I didn't want to LIVE in it. I'd have a perfectly good bedroom and bathroom of my own. I just want to be able to put some of my more neutral belongings in it, so the space isn't completely useless to me when they're not present to use it.
Apparently that was not the agreement. I was explicitly told "it's not a guest room. We don't want your art or your books in our space"
That is quite different to what I understood the situation to be.
If they want a space that's theirs and theirs alone, they should be purchasing that - and not expecting you to be part of that arrangement. Are they going to share 'their' space with your sister and her kids?????? Because if so, then they are lying to themselves about the space being their space only. And the cleanliness argument falls apart when kids are involved - trust me on this.
If they only need a dedicated space occasionally, then this is what specialist medical AirBNB is for. Sort of Ronald McDonald House, but the adult version. Yes, this is available.
Re-set, re-group and go forward. This you can do. If it's just you, then is the cbd an absolute must? Would something in WMelb or Docklands or even North Melbourne be sufficiently close/convenient for you? I understand that good pt is non-negotiable, as are lifts/accessibility. You might even like to look at Footscray or Kensington (which is a lot nicer than it used to be) as the pt is so good. Talk to @catfish about Maribyrnong. The new metro tunnel is a bit of a game changer re pt and I'm not sure it's effect has made it into real estate prices yet.
There are many options within a 10 to 20min commute to the city. Have a look at train line suburbs, you get more distance for the same amount of transport time than tram or bus. And many of the inner areas have fantastic cafes, ammenities, street vibe etc. I honestly prefer the inner suburbs vibe compared to cbd vibe. But if that’s not your thing, then having an easy commute means you will still have great access. Renting elsewhere will hopefully solve the problem of dodgy neighbours, and give breathing time to figure out your next steps. If you find you absolutely hate being out of the cbd, then you can always move back.
West Melbourne and North Melbourne are areas I was already looking under the original plan - rhe most recent frontrunner for me when I thought I was doing a guest room was a two bedroom we'd viewed in West Melbourne. I'd be willing to live there. Happily so
I'd consider Docklands, but hadn't previously been looking there. The idea got nixed under the original plan because Docklands apartments tend to have quite small bedrooms (which didn't suit my parents). If it's just me, I may look again.
I work in the CBD (Spring St area) as well as currently living here, so I WOULD like to stay within the "can get into the centre quickly" kind of range. Being in the middle opens up a LOT of autonomy and independence for me. I like the area very much, I just don't like my current neighbours!
Go Docklands! Maybe look for an ex-rental being sold so that the overseas landlord doesn't have to pay land tax plus the 15% extra stamp duty. Should be a few around still. A two bedroom should have quite a lot of space for one person I think. Have fun looking, and spruiking the delights of Docklands to your parents .....
I would have been using the new tunnel at the old house for a 10 minute total commute, but not here unfortunately. Both tram routes are currently the high step sort, though that is to change very, very shortly. Bits of Maribyrnong are super hilly, bits are likely uninsurable against flooding. Kensington or WestMelb might be good if you stick near the 402 route. It's low floor and has at least 1 daily scooter user. Avoid the apartments at Foots Hopkins/whitehall. I ramble ...
What I would do is take the money from my parents, find an apartment that suited me, get my siblings on board and sell it to my parents like a champion real estate agent. What a great location, it's safe, you'll love it here, we need to hurry on this because it's not raining apartments at the moment etc.
No. They should have explained it better, but regardless it's a dumb fucking stipulation that is being used to control your actions. Do not ever blame yourself for them not explaining their expectations. They offered to "help", they ought to have made it clear what they expected in return; which isn't help but a transaction.
You're not to blame for expecting to be able to utilise the entire home considering you'll be living in it 24/7 for 20+ years. They're to blame for expecting you to have a hotel room for them, but not be able to clean or maintain that space for yourself or for them. It's a stupid stipulation, and they're stupid and disrespectful for making it a transaction under the guise of generosity. It isn't generous or kind to expect something that fucked up in return.
Chef is not well today. Please help yourself
Beep Beep 🚚
🍏🍎🍐🍊🍋🍈🫐🍓🍇🍉🍌🍒🍑🥭🍍🥥🥦🥑🫛🍆🍅🥝🥬🥒🌽🥕🥐🍠🫚🥔🧅🥯🍞🥖🥨🧀🧇🥞🧈🍳🥚🥓🥩🍗🍖🫓🍕🍟🍔🌭🥙🧆🌮🌯🥗🍲🍜🍝🥘🍛🍣🍱🥟🦪🍥🍘🍚🍙🐠🍤🪼🦀🐙 🍗🥮🍢🍡🍧🍰🧁🥧🍦🍨🎂🍮🍭🍬🍫🥜🌰🍪🍿🍯🥛☕️🍵🍺🍶🥤🧋🧃🥂🍷🥃🍸🍹🧉🔋
::: spoiler mental health, feeling sorry for myself
I've been denying that I've feeling crap for months. I have a lot to be thankful for, but there has just been this naggling feeling that something isn't right.
I haven't seen my psych since last year because it's expensive and all that's really happened is that they have told me to do this self-compassion workbook that I keep putting off.
Things are going well for the most part. I'm almost done with uni after what feels like an eternity, I have a supportive family and partner. But I also have a crippling anxiety problem, can barely take care of myself, not much social contact beyond my boardgames group and my friends on the other side of the world, no job lined up for next year, lots of doubt about my future and uncertainty about if I'm actually capable of doing this career.
I love a good perf. It gives me a little joy in my life. So when it doesn't work out I get a little frustrated. I blame Twinings. Please see exhibit A & B below.
They're very guilty of using the thinnest cardboard and having it rip constantly. Keeping it consistent around the corners is almost impossible as well.
Whoever did this didn't even try, they just tore that thing straight open.
I always feel rebellious when I open things from 'open other side'. I'm like bitch please I'm eating the whole thing in one sitting anyway so there's no cause for alarm.
You work with “I’m angry my mums not here to wait on me, I’m too important for menial manners, so I’ll just rip it open hahaha that’ll assert my dominance here” animals. I have encountered them in every workplace I’ve been in. It’s an endemic species.
Partner stayed up late playing a game, came to bed at like 4am. Which caused the cat to wake up and start screaming in my ear, so I've been up since like 4.30am.
I don't mind when he stays up late, or I get woken up by the cat. I'm more annoyed that once I'm awake, I can't sleep again until I'm exhausted (which is usually mid arvo when I'm up this early).
There is something kinda peaceful though, being awake at this hour and hearing the rest of the world wake up. The street cleaners and garbos are paid well, I hope.
bastard shoulda at least thrown kibble in the bowl before retiring. That's what I do in these situations - although admittedly His Lordship is unnerved when his alarm goes off and he's surrounded not by shrieking beansidhes but by fat bastards licking satiated lips
I believe garbos are paid fairly well. Still not a job I'd like, but city living means somebody gotta. Just wish people would stop putting utterly wrong things in the recycling!
We have that issue with my buildings dumpsters. The three dumpsters with red lids are for general waste, three dumpsters with yellow lids are for recycling, and one normal (like for a house), entirely dark green bin for e-waste.
Yet other residents still put recycling or e-waste into the red dumpsters, or general waste into the yellow dumpsters. There's just no helping those people 🤦♀️
I often randomly wake up at 3am and can tell when I'm not going to get back to sleep. After a couple of coffees I usually sit on the couch coding and its deeply enjoyable to just be cozy in the dark, cat curled up next to me, totally in my own world.
50 Comments
Alamutjones@aussie.zone · 9 pts · 6h
My heart hurts.
I’m not angry. I was never angry. I’m just…so sad. I wish I had understood.
This whole time I’ve been terrified of making a mistake and locking myself into a mortgage on an apartment that wasn’t the right one - I intended for this to be my home for the rest of my life, or at least for the next twenty years. I was so stressed about the possibility of picking wrong, and turns out I made a huge mistake right from the first because I hadn’t understood the nature of the agreement or hence the search.
I don’t know exactly what would be different if I HAD understood, but I’d have set my hopes somewhere different and not be grieving them now
Thornburywitch@aussie.zone · 5 pts · 5h
My personal view is that some rage is entirely justified in this situation. My view only, but I think you were misled, possibly accidentally, but still misled. I also think that your family suffered a rush of blood to their collective heads when the process started, and their expectations altered in consequence as they realised all the various possibilities available. But imo they are primarily thinking of their own needs/wants, and I think yours got lost along the way.
Now, however, you are in receipt of much more accurate information and can go forward armed with that.
I do think that your family needs to consider whether or not they actually need to buy a dedicated apartment for their own use. One that has nothing to do with you and which fits their needs perfectly. You can even help them search for it. You can still offer hospitality as and when required if that suits you, but if they are going to be that picky about the space they need then they need to understand the consequences and costs - to you as well as them.
Your needs come first here. After all, you are going to be living in the space full time and your needs should be the priority imo.
This might be a bit cheeky, but you could ask if they will let you have a locked room, for your own exclusive use, at their house in Mornington. Because I bet they will refuse because 'it's their house'. This might bring home to them exactly what they are asking you for.
Alamutjones@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 4h
I will never be able to afford the kind of home I want.
That was the appeal of it for me. The extra money meant I could stretch to "a comfortable apartment" rather than "a student shitbox with no kitchen or natural light"
I thought provision and use of a guest room was a fair exchange for being able to buy and live in something nicer. So I agreed...
...but it's not a guest room.
Alamutjones@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 5h
They have a guest room which I use.
My understanding of what I was providing them came largely from what they provide me - the guest room they set up has their art on the walls and a few useful items (a small ladder etc) in the wardrobe, which is about the level of use I imagined.
I imagined some bookshelves and a chair in one corner so I could sit in there and read if they weren't staying. Maybe a picture hanging. That's all.
I didn't want to LIVE in it. I'd have a perfectly good bedroom and bathroom of my own. I just want to be able to put some of my more neutral belongings in it, so the space isn't completely useless to me when they're not present to use it.
Apparently that was not the agreement. I was explicitly told "it's not a guest room. We don't want your art or your books in our space"
That is quite different to what I understood the situation to be.
Thornburywitch@aussie.zone · 5 pts · 4h
If they want a space that's theirs and theirs alone, they should be purchasing that - and not expecting you to be part of that arrangement. Are they going to share 'their' space with your sister and her kids?????? Because if so, then they are lying to themselves about the space being their space only. And the cleanliness argument falls apart when kids are involved - trust me on this.
If they only need a dedicated space occasionally, then this is what specialist medical AirBNB is for. Sort of Ronald McDonald House, but the adult version. Yes, this is available.
CEOofmyhouse56@aussie.zone · 4 pts · 6h
What you need to do is put you first. Your needs come first. Your accessibility comes first. Your comfort comes first. Be strong. We love you. ❤️
Alamutjones@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 5h
The only stuff I can afford on a revised budget without their help is shitty student dogboxes, smaller and darker than I have now.
I need to move. My neighbours are unhinged. But I can't afford to do it.
What am I going to do?
Thornburywitch@aussie.zone · 1 pts · 3h
Re-set, re-group and go forward. This you can do. If it's just you, then is the cbd an absolute must? Would something in WMelb or Docklands or even North Melbourne be sufficiently close/convenient for you? I understand that good pt is non-negotiable, as are lifts/accessibility. You might even like to look at Footscray or Kensington (which is a lot nicer than it used to be) as the pt is so good. Talk to @catfish about Maribyrnong. The new metro tunnel is a bit of a game changer re pt and I'm not sure it's effect has made it into real estate prices yet.
SituationCake@aussie.zone · 1 pts · 1h
There are many options within a 10 to 20min commute to the city. Have a look at train line suburbs, you get more distance for the same amount of transport time than tram or bus. And many of the inner areas have fantastic cafes, ammenities, street vibe etc. I honestly prefer the inner suburbs vibe compared to cbd vibe. But if that’s not your thing, then having an easy commute means you will still have great access. Renting elsewhere will hopefully solve the problem of dodgy neighbours, and give breathing time to figure out your next steps. If you find you absolutely hate being out of the cbd, then you can always move back.
Alamutjones@aussie.zone · 1 pts · 3h
West Melbourne and North Melbourne are areas I was already looking under the original plan - rhe most recent frontrunner for me when I thought I was doing a guest room was a two bedroom we'd viewed in West Melbourne. I'd be willing to live there. Happily so
I'd consider Docklands, but hadn't previously been looking there. The idea got nixed under the original plan because Docklands apartments tend to have quite small bedrooms (which didn't suit my parents). If it's just me, I may look again.
I work in the CBD (Spring St area) as well as currently living here, so I WOULD like to stay within the "can get into the centre quickly" kind of range. Being in the middle opens up a LOT of autonomy and independence for me. I like the area very much, I just don't like my current neighbours!
Thornburywitch@aussie.zone · 1 pts · 2h
Go Docklands! Maybe look for an ex-rental being sold so that the overseas landlord doesn't have to pay land tax plus the 15% extra stamp duty. Should be a few around still. A two bedroom should have quite a lot of space for one person I think. Have fun looking, and spruiking the delights of Docklands to your parents .....
Catfish@aussie.zone · 1 pts · 2h
I would have been using the new tunnel at the old house for a 10 minute total commute, but not here unfortunately. Both tram routes are currently the high step sort, though that is to change very, very shortly. Bits of Maribyrnong are super hilly, bits are likely uninsurable against flooding. Kensington or WestMelb might be good if you stick near the 402 route. It's low floor and has at least 1 daily scooter user. Avoid the apartments at Foots Hopkins/whitehall. I ramble ...
CEOofmyhouse56@aussie.zone · 1 pts · 5h
What I would do is take the money from my parents, find an apartment that suited me, get my siblings on board and sell it to my parents like a champion real estate agent. What a great location, it's safe, you'll love it here, we need to hurry on this because it's not raining apartments at the moment etc.
StudChud@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 5h
Oh I'm so mad for you, your parents did you dirty on this. I'm so sorry, Alamut, you deserve better 💜
Alamutjones@aussie.zone · 1 pts · 5h
It's my fault. I didn't understand the offer, but assumed I knew.
That's on me
StudChud@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 5h
No. They should have explained it better, but regardless it's a dumb fucking stipulation that is being used to control your actions. Do not ever blame yourself for them not explaining their expectations. They offered to "help", they ought to have made it clear what they expected in return; which isn't help but a transaction.
You're not to blame for expecting to be able to utilise the entire home considering you'll be living in it 24/7 for 20+ years. They're to blame for expecting you to have a hotel room for them, but not be able to clean or maintain that space for yourself or for them. It's a stupid stipulation, and they're stupid and disrespectful for making it a transaction under the guise of generosity. It isn't generous or kind to expect something that fucked up in return.
SituationCake@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 2h
No it’s absolutely not. Their conditions weren’t communicated. How were you to know? Please don’t feel like this is your fault.
CadMunt@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 6h
That sucks homie. Twice my mother has agreed to help me get into a place only to turn around and withdraw the offer.
Catfish@aussie.zone · 5 pts · 10h
🦕🥰🦕🥰🦕🥰
bacon@aussie.zone · 4 pts · 9h
Chef is not well today. Please help yourself
Beep Beep 🚚
🍏🍎🍐🍊🍋🍈🫐🍓🍇🍉🍌🍒🍑🥭🍍🥥🥦🥑🫛🍆🍅🥝🥬🥒🌽🥕🥐🍠🫚🥔🧅🥯🍞🥖🥨🧀🧇🥞🧈🍳🥚🥓🥩🍗🍖🫓🍕🍟🍔🌭🥙🧆🌮🌯🥗🍲🍜🍝🥘🍛🍣🍱🥟🦪🍥🍘🍚🍙🐠🍤🪼🦀🐙 🍗🥮🍢🍡🍧🍰🧁🥧🍦🍨🎂🍮🍭🍬🍫🥜🌰🍪🍿🍯🥛☕️🍵🍺🍶🥤🧋🧃🥂🍷🥃🍸🍹🧉🔋
Seagoon_@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 8h
Chef, would you like a hot drink and some toast?
bacon@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 8h
Yes please
CadMunt@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 7h
☕️🍞 edit: 🧈🧇 Sorry for the dry toast.
bacon@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 4h
Thank you
Catfish@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 8h
💊🫖🚑🐈⬛
bacon@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 8h
Thank you
TheWitchofThornbury2@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 8h
Chef, we all hope you are feeling better soon. 💐💊⚕😷🐈
bacon@aussie.zone · 1 pts · 8h
Thank you
lowtheseal@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 1h
::: spoiler mental health, feeling sorry for myself I've been denying that I've feeling crap for months. I have a lot to be thankful for, but there has just been this naggling feeling that something isn't right.
I haven't seen my psych since last year because it's expensive and all that's really happened is that they have told me to do this self-compassion workbook that I keep putting off.
Things are going well for the most part. I'm almost done with uni after what feels like an eternity, I have a supportive family and partner. But I also have a crippling anxiety problem, can barely take care of myself, not much social contact beyond my boardgames group and my friends on the other side of the world, no job lined up for next year, lots of doubt about my future and uncertainty about if I'm actually capable of doing this career.
All I can do is try. Resilience. :::
tombruzzo@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 2h
I thought you'd like to see the kind of animals I have to work with. Someone has never opened a box of teabags before
CEOofmyhouse56@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 2h
I love a good perf. It gives me a little joy in my life. So when it doesn't work out I get a little frustrated. I blame Twinings. Please see exhibit A & B below.
tombruzzo@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 55m
They're very guilty of using the thinnest cardboard and having it rip constantly. Keeping it consistent around the corners is almost impossible as well.
Whoever did this didn't even try, they just tore that thing straight open.
CEOofmyhouse56@aussie.zone · 1 pts · 47m
I like to think it was a man showing off his strength to the ladies.
Bottom_racer@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 1h
I always feel rebellious when I open things from 'open other side'. I'm like bitch please I'm eating the whole thing in one sitting anyway so there's no cause for alarm.
CEOofmyhouse56@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 1h
People who open packets of chips upside down don't deserve those chips.
Bottom_racer@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 1h
It depends on the day of the week. Monday I'd agree. Fri. / Sat. I think there should be some leniency.
CEOofmyhouse56@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 1h
😂
Inebriated I understand. Sober, you're an embarrassment.
SituationCake@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 2h
You work with “I’m angry my mums not here to wait on me, I’m too important for menial manners, so I’ll just rip it open hahaha that’ll assert my dominance here” animals. I have encountered them in every workplace I’ve been in. It’s an endemic species.
StudChud@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 8h
Partner stayed up late playing a game, came to bed at like 4am. Which caused the cat to wake up and start screaming in my ear, so I've been up since like 4.30am.
I don't mind when he stays up late, or I get woken up by the cat. I'm more annoyed that once I'm awake, I can't sleep again until I'm exhausted (which is usually mid arvo when I'm up this early).
There is something kinda peaceful though, being awake at this hour and hearing the rest of the world wake up. The street cleaners and garbos are paid well, I hope.
Taleya@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 1h
bastard shoulda at least thrown kibble in the bowl before retiring. That's what I do in these situations - although admittedly His Lordship is unnerved when his alarm goes off and he's surrounded not by shrieking beansidhes but by fat bastards licking satiated lips
Catfish@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 8h
I believe garbos are paid fairly well. Still not a job I'd like, but city living means somebody gotta. Just wish people would stop putting utterly wrong things in the recycling!
CadMunt@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 6h
$33/hr for my local garbos. Basic heavy rigid drivers pay. JWM waste management I think.
StudChud@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 5h
Maybe I should get my license and do this. I'm up early and don't mind stanky trash
CadMunt@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 3h
Pass a wee test?
StudChud@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 2h
Uhhh not for a few months 😬😅
CadMunt@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 2h
Months? Three weeks and a shitload of water a berocca and some creatine the night before.
StudChud@aussie.zone · 1 pts · 2h
Just gonna note this down real quick lol
StudChud@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 5h
We have that issue with my buildings dumpsters. The three dumpsters with red lids are for general waste, three dumpsters with yellow lids are for recycling, and one normal (like for a house), entirely dark green bin for e-waste.
Yet other residents still put recycling or e-waste into the red dumpsters, or general waste into the yellow dumpsters. There's just no helping those people 🤦♀️
SamuraiBeandog@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 7h
I often randomly wake up at 3am and can tell when I'm not going to get back to sleep. After a couple of coffees I usually sit on the couch coding and its deeply enjoyable to just be cozy in the dark, cat curled up next to me, totally in my own world.
StudChud@aussie.zone · 1 pts · 5h
Lol I have a bunch of coffees too but then open my idle game and watch YT with my cat. Cats truly are wonderful creatures