Why is your best friend not an alien disguised as a human?

I would know if he was one of us. Maybe from a different alien species?

because I have no friends.

Honestly an alien would do a better job at faking being a human. Plus, I'm weirder than them, and I'm not sure what kinda fucked up mothership would send me on a mission like this if I was an alien.

Why would it matter if they were?

He's refused to probe my anus 😢

Because I haven't met one of those yet. They sound cool, though.

Wouldn't they send someone smart?