I'm sorry if this is an odd question to ask here. Genuinely curious.
I have heard it said "it's fine to look. everyone does. just don't be weird about it".
Well, what exactly makes it weird? How long is too long to look? Today at a gas station the woman working the cash register was wearing some very short jean shorts, and revealed a touch of bare underbutt. The guy in front of me was asking for cigarettes so when she turned to get them I completely took notice. I think I looked for maybe 2 complete seconds before turning away. When she went to grab something else I may have looked again for more like 3 or 4.
Was that weird? I have a tendency to assume most people just don't want to be looked at for any reason unless we're affressing each other. But in this case I felt like I couldn't help myself from looking at least a little bit.
15 Comments
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works · 14 pts · 18d
The key to appreciating someone's physical attributes (and it doesn't have to be things like butts or secondary sexual characteristics, it can be eyes or whatever) is to do exactly what you did. See whatever aspect it is, move on. If another view happens, so be it.
But you don't pursue a look, nor artificially extend it. Just accept it as the transient view it is.
In the situation you described, I'd say you were fine. You looked away rather than stare, and only refreshed the view when a change happened again.
Like, have you ever run across someone random that had a nice hat on? Nothing fancy enough to merit asking questions about it, but a nice hat. It draws your eyes for a moment, you assess that it's nice, then they're walking away and the hat is a memory for you. You'll see other nice hats. You may even see that nice hat again. So there's no need to chase the moment.
Other humans physical attributes are like that. Boobs, butts, shoulders, jawlines, eyes, legs, noses, hair, whatever. You see them often enough that they only become special if you're granted direct access to them. But sometimes it's easy to forget that because some places and cultures have a skin taboo.
So, in your case, what was an otherwise standard butt drew extra attention because of the limited special access granted by clothing. Would you have felt any extra need to enjoy the view if the person had been wearing loose sweats? Likely not. And chances are high that they know very short shorts will grant an implied, limited visual access to other people. So, as long as you aren't staring, or making extra effort to see more, then the implied social contract is intact.
And always remember that bare skin is not permission to do anything other than look. I don't think you would, based on having asked the question you did, but it always bears repeating.
Archangel1313@lemmy.ca · 5 pts · 18d
Staring at it long after you got caught staring at it, like you don't care that you got caught staring at it, is definitely "weird". Staring at it while licking your lips and rubbing your hands together, is really fuckin' "weird".
It's fine to steal a glance...you know, just "checking it out", but not obsessively. Just be casual about it. Don't stare too long. And if you get caught staring, just shrug and say "Sorry, I couldn't help it"...and then definitely stop staring at it.
dabw1@fedinsfw.app · 4 pts · 18d
From what you've described, it sounds like you're fine. If you'd like leaned over the counter to get a better view, or tried to look through the glass in front of the counter, or made some obnoxious sounds or some other such thing, you probably would have crossed the line, but from the sound of it she was aware of what she was wearing and how she was bending, and she probably forgot you were even there once you left.
LangSlang@fedinsfw.app · 2 pts · 14d
I don’t find that weird and I think a few seconds is the general “ok” time. It’s hard not to notice cleavage etc but I think most of the people being weird about are of a certain type. My gf will wear low cut shirts to show her tits off so obviously she wants them to be seen. I’ve seen people look but I don’t think there’s ever been that mouth open staring type guy.
tantricgooner@fedinsfw.app · 2 pts · 17d
It's pretty simple - if a woman enjoys you looking, it's good, if not then it's weird 😇 I'm half joking but with flirting/sexual advances the lines are blurry intentionally and some people get away with more than others. Id say you seem like a pretty introspective guy, so i would advise for you to worry less and go with your gut. 🙏
LemonMan@fedinsfw.app · 1 pts · 17d
The hot summer weather means lots of women are wearing tight shorts and leggings at the moment. It's hard not to look when you're seeing dozens of incredible asses every day.
But a look should be nothing more than a look. Don't stare, don't comment, and just don't be a creep. Just appreciate how nice it looks and move on.
A big booty planted right in your face is great but that's what you need a girlfriend for 😄
freeusething@fedinsfw.app · 1 pts · 17d
I think what would help here is switch the positions.
What would you feel comfortable with if a guy was looking at your ass?
Pm_us_kinky_comments@fedinsfw.app · 3 pts · 16d
With respect, it is more complicated than that. Women receive so much more unwanted attention that their reaction cannot be the same as when a man gets stared at (or more). We say this as a cishet couple, she has gotten literally hit on WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER more than once, while he has been approached twice in the last few years. So of course it's flattering to feel appreciated as a man because it's a mostly uncommon occasion, but as a woman it's just about everyday, and you can't help but worry about the intention behind the stare because there are sadly a lot of creeps... This doesn't mean that we can't appreciate a nice glimpse or something, and we know people do look ;)
freeusething@fedinsfw.app · 4 pts · 16d
I live in an area where a guys reaction to being gawked at by another man could easily be violence. I tend to avoid checking guys out unless I’m in a place where that is acceptable (eg, gay bars/extremely progressive areas of town)
I just imagine the vast majority of straight guys would find even a small amount of male attention unwanted (admittedly lemmy seems to be the place that attracts more bi guys/straight guys more likely to be flattered than upset. But this is not the majority of men.)
Like I think what one should try to imagine is someone they find unattractive/not compatible gender wise hitting on them. Like, you’re already stressed out from work, waiting in line to get lunch and suddenly you notice this person staring at your ass. When does it start to feel wrong?
tantricgooner@fedinsfw.app · 0 pts · 15d
"Like I think what one should try to imagine is someone they find unattractive/not compatible gender wise hitting on them"
This is the kind of stuff the looksmaxxing people say, women see the average man as an incompatible gender with them basically? And you are implying that if a man is attractive he can stare all he wants?
freeusething@fedinsfw.app · 1 pts · 15d
No, it’s more the suggestion that you should consider the worst case scenario - that the person you are ogling is actively uninterested in you, and try to empathize with that perspective.
tantricgooner@fedinsfw.app · 0 pts · 15d
Well you don't think it's a really bleak outlook that basically every person of the opposite sex views you as actively undesirable? Jumping to the worst case scenario right away seems like a really strange impulse. Mindset like this is what gives rise to the looksmaxxing people, and I think it's a quite problematic trend. You are not saying the quiet part out loud but the implications in your message is that ultimately it all depends on how attractive one is.
freeusething@fedinsfw.app · 1 pts · 13d
It’s more that attractiveness is so completely subjective that you have zero idea what a person may or may not find attractive. The “looksmaxxing” stuff is absolutely stupid when you consider how half of TikTok is horny over a talking wooden basket guy.
The safest assumption in public is that most people are not interested in you sexually, and behave accordingly.
tantricgooner@fedinsfw.app · 0 pts · 12d
I don't know who's the talking wooden basket guy but I agree that looksmaxxing is stupid but not because you can get a girlfriend without looking good but that looksmaxxing is simply focusing on the symptom not the root cause. Meaning, people do looksmaxxing because at this point everyone understands that looking above average grants you special privileges. This is not something that you can simply pretend doesn't exist.
"The safest assumption in public is that most people are not interested in you sexually, and behave accordingly." This is just not true tho is it? There are people attracted to you and if you're afraid to look around you'll never notice them. Are you saying people should be only allowed to flirt on dating apps or bars? Idk this kind of thinking leads to a strange sterilized culture and we are already experiencing this, you can see on social media many young women are wondering if somethings wrong with them or what's happening because men simply don't engage with them at all.
Jax@sh.itjust.works · -3 pts · 18d
Ah, you got hypnotized.
So the reality is that some women want you to look, some don't. Some women want you to look explicitly so they can make sure you understand you'll never have them. Fucking weird, that last one, but it happens - and these don't cover all potentialities. You can't really pick out which is which unless it's painfully obvious, i.e. the woman is cheeks out in a miniskirt vs wearing a hoodie and the baggiest pants she owns.
So, unless you're fucking peeking around the corner or stalking someone (or some other nefarious deal) - then yes it's fine to look for a couple seconds. Just understand that other people can look at you and if you're standing there slack-jawed because a dumptruck just parked in front of you - they will notice.
It also isn't necessarily bad to be noticed, the women who actually want to be desired are totally into it and may even throw you a bone - so to speak.