A rant about social anxiety from autism

The autistic growth experience isn't pleasant. We've all experienced feeling weird, alone, and cut off from whatever it is that makes other people social. We've known rejection our entire lives. We've hated ourselves for being different, others for not accepting, cried from loneliness, fallen into pits of depression sometimes lasting days, sometimes years. It's unfair that we have to put so much more energy into learning stuff that seems to come naturally to everyone else while battling crippling anxiety, depression, and other emotional handicaps but I fully believe it's possible.

In my experience the people who have the ability to step away from everything when they need to are the ones that end up being able to handle it the best. Autistic burnout is real and it will stunt any kind of growth. The only way to prevent it is by listening to your body when it says you need a break. Sleep if you need to sleep. Self isolate if you need the space. When you feel better get out there and work on expanding your comfort zone again. We all have goals. You want to expand your friend group. I'd like to spend more time out of the house. Putting ourselves out there requires a lot of energy but it's worth it.

On a side note I know not everyone has the ability or space to step away and recharge and that's heartbreaking to me because I truly believe that's the big difference between a functioning and non functioning nerodivergent.

I totally get where you’re coming from. I am often kept awake at night thinking of times from even decades ago when I thought a conversation was going well and out of nowhere someone snapped and suddenly was mad at me and I have no idea why it happened. I don’t have any idea what went wrong, all I know is that it did, and over many years of this I simply opt out of talking to people. It’ll go wrong at some point so why bother?

I did want to provide some (hopefully) helpful context for the conversations that seem to trail off after initial interest. I personally am very easily overwhelmed by talking to people, even if I actively want to. I will often not have much to say in response when I am out of energy, which leads people to think I am upset at them or not interested in talking to them, and I know it contributes to other people’s anxieties. I have never found a socially acceptable way to tell people “I’m not up for this right now” that doesn’t make them get MORE upset than just not responding. I have no idea if that is what is happening to you, but I hope a little bit of perspective from the other side might help you.

I hope this doesn’t come off as some kind of invalidation, because I definitely understand the feeling of wondering why someone suddenly seems to not want to talk to you, I just wanted to reassure you that it might not be anything you did and could just be all on the other side.

You control your actions and your intentions.

How people respond isn't really up to you at all and will trend much more negative when you're autistic interacting with neurotypical. It's not easy to come to the understanding of this but, once you do, it becomes very empowering and a source of resilience.

In a way, you have a very focused ability to sus out the others who are similar to you. Just accept that it disqualifies almost everyone else and don't put your energy into connecting with NT more than minimally.

Hi there, Minty, nice to meet you!

Been semi-diagnosed since a young'n, so I've been aware of my place on the spectrum for a long while, thus I had the benefit of context for my odd behaviour growing up. Despite all this, I still struggled with the same feelings of rejection-sensitive-dysphoria (RSD) you are, albeit I cannot relate to being perceived as male when you are not, that would absolutely exacerbate that kind of anxiety, so I feel for you.

If you'd like my advice at all, stop trying to contort yourself to be liked. As long as you feel safe to publicly present as who you are (I am aware it can be dangerous in some places to exist in certain presentations), I recommend to just be unabashedly and unapolagetically yourself, cover yourself in conversation starters (fun clothes you like, patches, pins, stickers) and those who share your values will find you, with patience.

The idea behind this is any friends you make while trying to be a person they like will be friends with the person you are pretending to be, not you, and you'll feel the need to mask all the time, and that shit's exhausting. Autistic friends who get you and you don't have to mask around are a bit harder to find, but they are worth it.

Feel free to DM if you'd like to chat with a fellow friend on the spectrum or if you'd like some encouragement or whatever! I'm fairly extroverted and I love new friends ^ - ^

I relate to how this feels very much. I am fairly certain I have undiagnosed autism, and I had social anxiety so badly i couldn't speak at all or leave the house on my own until I was about 22 or 23. At that age, I got a prescription for Paxil to treat my social anxiety. It completely changed my life. The medication allows me to exist in public without putting so much weight on other people's opinion of me. I'm definitely still autistic, and I think and act different than neurotypical folks. But it no longer ruins my day or week if I make a social mistake. I can look at it like a 3rd person and not feel the fear and shame I used to feel. I've been able to learn a lot about myself and about other people and what's "normal" or "expected" since I've gotten medicated. Before, I couldn't really gain anything from my social experiences because I was always in fight or flight or i was terribly ashamed of my self when trying to reflect.

If you haven't tried an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication, give it a shot.

What I was able to learn in my conscience, medicated mind is that people are very forgiving of weirdness. The next time you talk to someone is always an opportunity to gain their favor. It's pretty much a blank slate every time. People crave "connection" and they don't typically like to not get along with someone. They are searching for an excuse to like everyone around them at all times.

It's also okay to be considered the weirdest of weird people as long as you are kind and humble. People LOVE having a weird, but nice, person in the group. You have to accept that it's OKAY to be the weird person. I always feel better saying or doing something "weird" if I preface it by saying I'm a complete lunatic crazy person first. Then people can feel free to disagree with me and to share their honest opinions since I have very little ability to tell if someone is "just being nice" or if they're serious.

Another thing I've learned is that OTHER people are also all fucked up and dealing with their own shit. Sometimes someone reacts to you in a way that confuses you or seems mean or uncaring. Remind yourself that they might just be having a bad day. You don't always have to figure out what YOU did wrong. Sometimes the other person was the one acting weird. The next time you interact with them might be completely different. You don't have to analyze every interaction to find YOUR flaws. It's not always you!

I'm not sure how old you are, but some of this might also come with age. I'm sure it would still be difficult for me to "not care" about people's opinions if I were still in high school or college.

I hope you find something to help you.

Yeah I think unfortunately the only solution to this issue over time that I've found is that I've just set my expectations at nobody really cares and is just being polite 99% of the time. This might be an exaggeration slightly but I don't think it's that far off honestly. A lot of people do things because of social norms, or people have their own preferences and you don't fit them but in any case these are all things out of your control.

Ultimately I know that if people want to talk to me they will reach out. If they don't, well the probability I've missed someone that would have been a good friend is fairly low anyway. I've become less anxious as a result of this. I just try to be nice to people and expect nothing in return. The few people who have continued to interact have become friends and usually that bond is strong enough that it stays for a long time. Trying to chase friends will just end up with people drifting away because the likelihood is you end up trying too hard to maintain contact with someone that isn't a good personality match.