Hello everyone :3
So back in May I started a new job, accidentally outed by a friend from the beginning (it was an honest misunderstanding), freshly hatched actually. Though unplanned, it turned out to be a good thing generally. One of the cool consequences was that I ended up on the women only ( mail distribution list of my new workplace, which felt really affirming.
They offered an online talk about microaggression which I attended, still very much insecure without showing my face or voice. At this point I'm still pretty scared of going to a public women's restroom and keep it in until I'm home. I've not been to any women only space yet, so this was a pretty nice opportunity. Oh well, I kinda lurked in some online spaces of course, but this did feel much closer to real life.
It was a bit of a... culture shock, but with gender and in a good way? I feel a bit weird saying this, cause it's just so stereotypical stuff, but I was just so amazed at how this topic got treated with such natural and artless empathy by everyone who spoke. I'm surely able to imagine spaces where men are allowed in which this could happen, too, I just never stumbled into one. And here it just felt like the obvious default everyone casually agrees to? Why is it not like this everywhere?!
It felt like coming home, even in a different way from joining trans spaces, where I do have similar feels. And I broke down crying for ~15 min for not having grown up with that kind of support. I don't know, maybe I am reading more into this than there really was, I'm still processing this. Feel like something very profound happened to me.
Gonna go to a witchy rope gathering for women on the weekend, which is in actual real life, wonder how that'll turn out. Super excited, but very nervous, too. Even dreaming about it a lot, which is very unusual for me, can't remember my dreams at all most nights.
Feel free to share any thoughts, hope you're all good with your journeys <3
10 Comments
Bryllyg@quokk.au · 8 pts · 2d
One thing that super helped me the first time I went into a public restroom was that I was using a face mask. I try to wear cloth masks that match my clothing. I became more comfortable in public in general wearing masks in the first few months of transition.
The first few times though, I wasn't even really wearing fem clothing. I just decided that I needed to go and felt icky about using the 'mens' room. The other thing that helped was that it was a restroom in an office building so not much traffic through it at all. It was maybe 3 weeks later that I finally got pants from the woman's section at Target and that helped even more.
That first time I went in public, I stood up to pee. As soon as I was done and out the door in the hallway I realized that felt pretty dysphoric and also might call attention to me. At home I started practicing sitting down and realized how amazing and gender euphoric this felt.
Sorry if I am meandering and rambling a little but I thought maybe my experience might help.
I hope it gets easier for you. Take one step at a time. You are doing something right if you are getting welcomed like this. 💜
Edit: not to say that if someone isn't getting welcomed that they are doing anything wrong. It may take time to find an accepting group of people. 💜
Eskarina@piefed.blahaj.zone · 4 pts · 2d
Oh, face mask could really help, facial hair is definitely the worst problem for me presentation-wise...
It really sucks, it's this trashy terf brainworm that's crawling through my mind, wish I could just get rid of it. Will get there, either with baby steps or one day when waiting is just not an option, because I sure as hell won't enter a men's bathroom.
You're welcome to, thanks for sharing <3
Oh well, it was only online and I have been an invisible listener. Today definitely motivated me some more, but the real test is the weekend. The place explicitly welcomes transfeminine people, though, so it should be fine :3.
Bryllyg@quokk.au · 2 pts · 2d
Shaving had been a huge issue for me at first. My skin hates blades, super sensitive no matter what I did. The first shaver I found was so good but they seem to have stopped making, it was called Flawless Legs and had 4 rotating heads. But sadly I dropped it and then the battery eventually went out completely.
But this replacement I found is just as good. It's a 3 head shaver and gets a pretty close shave. It's by Vogoe and runs about 30$ on Amazon. I will try to attach a picture. It's really easy to clean and I swear I need to buy a second one once I get some income. I also got a single head "conair" that has a bunch of attachments and it works ok.
Eskarina@piefed.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 2d
Hm, thanks for recommending, but I doubt it'll change anything. I shave wet with safety razors which is supposed to give the smoothest result? My skin takes it okay, I just have too dark and thick hair, just can't get rid of the shadow. Great for laser, bad for a clean shave.
azalea_flower@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 4 pts · 2d
That sounds so sweet, I'm happy you get to experience this all for the first time!
Honestly in my case I also don't do public bathrooms, so it's been a while (years?) but I'll probably stick to the men's bathroom because my social anxiety definitely won't let me go in the other one.
I hope the gathering at the weekend goes well <3
gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 2d
there is something special in seeing people act normally and reasonably (as it should be) for the first time in your life.
in my experience, people need to be exposed to other people who have a somewhat sane outlook on life and the world in general at least once in their life, so they know they're not stupid and exceptionally missing-something than everyone else.
gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 2d
actually to elaborate on this: i think the primary difference between male and female gender is the relation to work. the typical male attitude seems to be that work needs to happen, i.e. you're not allowed to just exist in peace and well-being. kind of like: if a man sees that you relax and enjoy life, they will make sure that you're "useful" instead. and that's why women can't relax around men.
it's all about the relationship to work; it has very little to do with biological equipment. it's all just about whether you think that you have to work to have a reason to exist; or whether you can allow to just exist.
Eskarina@piefed.blahaj.zone · 1 pts · 1d
Gosh, I wish that were normal! I kept thinking, why isn't everyone socialized like that? That would make life so much better for everyone.
Ugh, welcome to the patriarchy or something, I guess.
gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 1 pts · 1d
it has nothing to do with an empty shell term of "patriarchy". there's actual, clear reasons behind it.
the biggest reason is history and evolution being on the side of "be loud, be obnoxious, then you'll get through". historically, that's pretty easy to see. if you live in the US today, your descendants come from raiders, pillagers, farmers and vikings who weren't hesitant to hit hard if it gave them an advantage in battle or in life in general. that's why these traits exist in the first place. women often didn't leave the household to ensure they wouldn't get raped or otherwise mistreated.
it's not difficult to imagine that these traits don't vanish overnight, just because you try to do a social liberal re-education camp. these views will persist for generations at least.
the only way to calm the situation is to make it unprofitable to be loud and obnoxious. which is caused by the simple fact that it brings you into more risk if you're an asshole. but this is a small cost, so it will take a long time to change the situation.
on the good news side of things, italy did it. italy used to be the imperial center of the world, 2000 years ago, and most of the population was very militarized. that eventually subsided, and nowadays it (used to be) one of the most matriarchal places in the world! (that was, until americanism poisoned the cultural landscape around 80 years ago).
ChaoticNeutralCzech@feddit.org · 1 pts · 1d
You're a magical girl, you'll fit right in among witches. But ngl, I'd be nervous too.