I get this (to a degree), I feel really shit about myself a lot of mornings. I'm glad you're still here though all this though.
I don't really envy cis girls specifically (though I do envy cis girls), but I wish I transitioned earlier, in my early teens, and I also envy a lot of passing trans women, I just want to be at a stage where I can be who I want to be. Usually my response to feeling like I don't belong is to try and block (mentally) or forget about those people, I don't want to fit in with people I find shit.
Like minty said, you're gonna have to manage, it's much kinder on yourself to want or experience the things you absolutely can, and not mourning those you can't. The time has passed for a lot of earlier experiences, I know that sucks, but there's so much more you can look forward too, there's no reason why you can't socially fit in in the way you want to (at the very least with inner circles).
I know I shouldn't really ask (let me know if I'm ever making you feel worse), but while you were out did anyone do anything to make you feel this way? When I go out, there's nothing that makes me feel bad, if left alone I kind of just start feeling that way, I start mulling over even the smallest of things, like how people look at me, when people don't look I wonder why, when people do look I think it must be because I'm weird. However it doesn't take much for someone to tip the scales, even just one good interaction can make me feel much better.
Regardless it really helps to have some people to confide in, in real life, I'm gonna keep telling you to get a group of friends you can go out with or do fun things together, maybe do a girls night out or whatever. When I went to pride I felt so happy, just being around people like that makes all the difference.
Also, you are a woman, don't kid yourself. Putting so much effort just to pass sucks, but I saw the last post you made, you're absolutely passing there, at least to me, I wish you could see it someday.
That sounds so sweet, I'm happy you get to experience this all for the first time!
Honestly in my case I also don't do public bathrooms, so it's been a while (years?) but I'll probably stick to the men's bathroom because my social anxiety definitely won't let me go in the other one.
Yeah, the stubble sucks, but I manage, I'll get laser one day!
Thank you so much <3, just like you I wish to see it one day.
Also you say you have love/hate relationship with your hair, but girl you don't even know! I love it for the compliments but god is it ever difficult, that and I'm thinking of styling it different but unfortunately bangs are out of the question, they would be a nightmare to get right, by comparison to shaving though I don't hate managing my hair, it's frustrating but it's not like I feel dysphoric styling it, and the maintenance is still reasonable.
I might be just silly cause I know I can be pretty socially unaware, but if I were to go by stereotypes, then in all your pictures you're quite conserved/reserved(?), like you don't try to take up a lot of space or make yourself seem bigger. I'm probably just grasping though.
Also, never blame yourself for others misgendering you, at the very least no one is at fault, you don't owe it to anyone to fit gender norms. I mean I'm out right now with pretty bad makeup ontop of a slight stubble since I only shaved yesterday evening, I don't have the time to fix it so I just left it on, the wrong person could call me a slur probably, but that hasn't happened yet, I've only noticed people being more certious to me than normal (twice since I left). Maybe it's the area I live in, cause I did just pass the theatre and they had a whole charriot out with I think a couple people in drag, and a bunch of people all glammed up (sorry I just had to share that, not something you see everyday!)
Girl you will make me cry too if you delete your account. (I hope it's not weird to say) I looked up to you in a lot of your earlier posts (I still do!), someone who was a little further along than me, shared their self image issues, and was very kind. Please please please please stay, as other people have pointed out, all the mean things you said were toward yourself. You have never bothered me, but if you delete your account you will make me very sad, if I'm being truthful you scared me when you started apologising a lot, I thought you were going to do something silly. My opinion of you is entirely positive, I always enjoy reading your posts.
I really truly believe this community is better with you in it, so please stay.
Your hair is feminine, I am super jealous of your body, your skin looks very smooth and fem, and your sense of style is very feminine. From what I can tell in your pictures your mannerisms are feminine, and didn't you mention in a post that your hips sway when you walk?
Your face doesn't scream either way to me (like most people), but it does lean ever so slightly feminine, overall it is cute regardless, which is good, since your hair is very feminine. Again, I'd be shocked to see someone gender you masculine in public, there is not one overtly masculine feature I can point to in any of these pictures!
Also I'm banning you from saying sorry to me, that's it, no more!
Hey, I just said you ARE feminine, and while I don't know you personally, from what I do know you are very kind. Also you deserve to use whatever pronouns you damn want.
I recommend going out more, staying inside is safe but doesn't help you get better, if you can get someone you trust to help you get out more that's even better.
Plus you're right, people don't usually gender others in public, which is why I asked the question, since you can't assume what people are thinking about you, before I even knew I was trans, so no makeup or anything, I had people look me dead in the eyes and ask me if I was a guy or a girl, while people behind or side-on used to gender me as a woman (because I had long hair, just like you), and to this day I still think I don't pass!
I think you're also underselling how many times you've been gendered correctly, that number seems inaccurate, the people on here alone push that up a lot, and I'm sure your boyfriend genders you correctly right?
Is the misgendering random? I have a hard time believing someone looks at you for the first time and does that, it's pretty clear you're a woman. People who know you are less likely to gender you based on appearance and instead just because they've known you before or during transition, and people who gender you based on legal paper suck.
Lastly don't apologise, I want to see you happy, seeing you sad makes me sad, and no, that doesn't mean keep this to yourself, tell someone (even if that's just us) <3
I don't think HRT would've made you uglier, it's probably just the warped perception of yourself, give it enough time and you'll probably look back at these photos thinking you were prettier, I have photos that I definitely didn't like when I took them but looking back are completely fine.
I didn't even notice the cut on your chin until you pointed it out, and no that's pretty cute actually, it doesn't make you uglier lol. You're over focusing on the parts of yourself you don't like, while most people see the whole, and that way you miss all the many pretty things that more than make up for it.
Edit: Just for some clarification, when I say 'the parts you don't like', I really mean it like that, other people don't see them in the same way you do, just in case I came off wrong. Anyway, very pretty! <3
I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel what you feel at times, being trans is really hard.
But I really truly hope you can get out of this pit. I promise you, you are very pretty. Also, most people are not that evil, and a lot of people probably see you as a woman, how often do you actually get gendered in public? If I can get gendered correctly by strangers, you sure as hell can, and even if you don't (which I fail to believe is true), that's their problem. Also also, you can't steal oxygen from anybody, and even if you could, you sure as hell deserve to live more than some people, just take a look at the most evil people alive today (you know what I mean), if they are still living you have no excuse, you deserve to outlive them. You are not a monster, you are a super kind-hearted, very feminine girl, and I am not exaggerating when I say that.
I wish I could give you a really big hug, but I can't (probably, I don't know). Please promise me you'll find some people you can confide in, turn up to a social event or something where you'll know there will be other trans people, I know it's hard but PLEASE don't stay isolated.
I'm so very sorry, it's pretty shit that I can't physically be there for you. If you need to talk you can message me anytime, seriously. Thank you for letting us know <3
Hey!!
I remember seeing your last post, your style is super cool :3
I get this (to a degree), I feel really shit about myself a lot of mornings. I'm glad you're still here though all this though.
I don't really envy cis girls specifically (though I do envy cis girls), but I wish I transitioned earlier, in my early teens, and I also envy a lot of passing trans women, I just want to be at a stage where I can be who I want to be. Usually my response to feeling like I don't belong is to try and block (mentally) or forget about those people, I don't want to fit in with people I find shit.
Like minty said, you're gonna have to manage, it's much kinder on yourself to want or experience the things you absolutely can, and not mourning those you can't. The time has passed for a lot of earlier experiences, I know that sucks, but there's so much more you can look forward too, there's no reason why you can't socially fit in in the way you want to (at the very least with inner circles).
I know I shouldn't really ask (let me know if I'm ever making you feel worse), but while you were out did anyone do anything to make you feel this way? When I go out, there's nothing that makes me feel bad, if left alone I kind of just start feeling that way, I start mulling over even the smallest of things, like how people look at me, when people don't look I wonder why, when people do look I think it must be because I'm weird. However it doesn't take much for someone to tip the scales, even just one good interaction can make me feel much better.
Regardless it really helps to have some people to confide in, in real life, I'm gonna keep telling you to get a group of friends you can go out with or do fun things together, maybe do a girls night out or whatever. When I went to pride I felt so happy, just being around people like that makes all the difference.
Also, you are a woman, don't kid yourself. Putting so much effort just to pass sucks, but I saw the last post you made, you're absolutely passing there, at least to me, I wish you could see it someday.
These are very pretty pictures, you look good in all of them!
That sounds so sweet, I'm happy you get to experience this all for the first time!
Honestly in my case I also don't do public bathrooms, so it's been a while (years?) but I'll probably stick to the men's bathroom because my social anxiety definitely won't let me go in the other one.
I hope the gathering at the weekend goes well <3
It looks really good! That queer event sounds pretty cool.
I think I can see the difference, also that smile in the last pic is really sweet, you look really confident!
Yeah, the stubble sucks, but I manage, I'll get laser one day!
Thank you so much <3, just like you I wish to see it one day.
Also you say you have love/hate relationship with your hair, but girl you don't even know! I love it for the compliments but god is it ever difficult, that and I'm thinking of styling it different but unfortunately bangs are out of the question, they would be a nightmare to get right, by comparison to shaving though I don't hate managing my hair, it's frustrating but it's not like I feel dysphoric styling it, and the maintenance is still reasonable.
Anyway I'm glad you're feeling better now
I might be just silly cause I know I can be pretty socially unaware, but if I were to go by stereotypes, then in all your pictures you're quite conserved/reserved(?), like you don't try to take up a lot of space or make yourself seem bigger. I'm probably just grasping though.
Also, never blame yourself for others misgendering you, at the very least no one is at fault, you don't owe it to anyone to fit gender norms. I mean I'm out right now with pretty bad makeup ontop of a slight stubble since I only shaved yesterday evening, I don't have the time to fix it so I just left it on, the wrong person could call me a slur probably, but that hasn't happened yet, I've only noticed people being more certious to me than normal (twice since I left). Maybe it's the area I live in, cause I did just pass the theatre and they had a whole charriot out with I think a couple people in drag, and a bunch of people all glammed up (sorry I just had to share that, not something you see everyday!)
Edit: also, you're welcome <3, always!
I've been hugging my blahaj for the past hour so I feel very similar.
I assume it is ok to give virtual hugs?
big hug
Woah I love your outfit!
I don't really have much more to say, but I'm just happy you're not leaving, and things will get better I promise.
Ohhh ok no worries! <3
I was just being a little silly then, glad I could be of help :3
Nooo please stay :(
Girl you will make me cry too if you delete your account. (I hope it's not weird to say) I looked up to you in a lot of your earlier posts (I still do!), someone who was a little further along than me, shared their self image issues, and was very kind. Please please please please stay, as other people have pointed out, all the mean things you said were toward yourself. You have never bothered me, but if you delete your account you will make me very sad, if I'm being truthful you scared me when you started apologising a lot, I thought you were going to do something silly. My opinion of you is entirely positive, I always enjoy reading your posts.
I really truly believe this community is better with you in it, so please stay.
Sorry is there sarcasm in this? I can't really tell.
I don't think I explicitly said to wear makeup during laser, I was just giving separate advice. Sorry.
Your hair is feminine, I am super jealous of your body, your skin looks very smooth and fem, and your sense of style is very feminine. From what I can tell in your pictures your mannerisms are feminine, and didn't you mention in a post that your hips sway when you walk?
Your face doesn't scream either way to me (like most people), but it does lean ever so slightly feminine, overall it is cute regardless, which is good, since your hair is very feminine. Again, I'd be shocked to see someone gender you masculine in public, there is not one overtly masculine feature I can point to in any of these pictures!
Also I'm banning you from saying sorry to me, that's it, no more!
Hey, I just said you ARE feminine, and while I don't know you personally, from what I do know you are very kind. Also you deserve to use whatever pronouns you damn want.
I recommend going out more, staying inside is safe but doesn't help you get better, if you can get someone you trust to help you get out more that's even better.
Plus you're right, people don't usually gender others in public, which is why I asked the question, since you can't assume what people are thinking about you, before I even knew I was trans, so no makeup or anything, I had people look me dead in the eyes and ask me if I was a guy or a girl, while people behind or side-on used to gender me as a woman (because I had long hair, just like you), and to this day I still think I don't pass!
I think you're also underselling how many times you've been gendered correctly, that number seems inaccurate, the people on here alone push that up a lot, and I'm sure your boyfriend genders you correctly right?
Is the misgendering random? I have a hard time believing someone looks at you for the first time and does that, it's pretty clear you're a woman. People who know you are less likely to gender you based on appearance and instead just because they've known you before or during transition, and people who gender you based on legal paper suck.
Lastly don't apologise, I want to see you happy, seeing you sad makes me sad, and no, that doesn't mean keep this to yourself, tell someone (even if that's just us) <3
I don't think HRT would've made you uglier, it's probably just the warped perception of yourself, give it enough time and you'll probably look back at these photos thinking you were prettier, I have photos that I definitely didn't like when I took them but looking back are completely fine.
I didn't even notice the cut on your chin until you pointed it out, and no that's pretty cute actually, it doesn't make you uglier lol. You're over focusing on the parts of yourself you don't like, while most people see the whole, and that way you miss all the many pretty things that more than make up for it.
Edit: Just for some clarification, when I say 'the parts you don't like', I really mean it like that, other people don't see them in the same way you do, just in case I came off wrong. Anyway, very pretty! <3
I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel what you feel at times, being trans is really hard.
But I really truly hope you can get out of this pit. I promise you, you are very pretty. Also, most people are not that evil, and a lot of people probably see you as a woman, how often do you actually get gendered in public? If I can get gendered correctly by strangers, you sure as hell can, and even if you don't (which I fail to believe is true), that's their problem. Also also, you can't steal oxygen from anybody, and even if you could, you sure as hell deserve to live more than some people, just take a look at the most evil people alive today (you know what I mean), if they are still living you have no excuse, you deserve to outlive them. You are not a monster, you are a super kind-hearted, very feminine girl, and I am not exaggerating when I say that.
I wish I could give you a really big hug, but I can't (probably, I don't know). Please promise me you'll find some people you can confide in, turn up to a social event or something where you'll know there will be other trans people, I know it's hard but PLEASE don't stay isolated.
I'm so very sorry, it's pretty shit that I can't physically be there for you. If you need to talk you can message me anytime, seriously. Thank you for letting us know <3