don't forget to make your first wish "if i, as i am now or as i become subsequent to their fulfilment, am unsatisfied with the outcome of any of my wishes, i wish to return to the moment i first was granted them, retaining full knowledge of the timeline as i caused it to be but with the ability to make diffent choices"
since we're supposed to not be dealing with a monkey paw/genie situation, i didn't use it this way, but in general I'd recommend making it your first wish under any such circumstances.
rephrase as necessary to further weed out possible loopholes.
1 - safety plan from other poster "if i, as i am now or as i become subsequent to their fulfilment, am unsatisfied with the outcome of any of my wishes, i wish to return to the moment i first was granted them, retaining full knowledge of the timeline as i caused it to be but with the ability to make diffent choices"
2 - maine plan - everyone wakes up to find out we are in a simulation and the real world is a post scarcity start trek like society but with total peace and harmony and none of the fighting
3 - backup plan - my own personal universe/dimension where I control all aspects of it and can enter it and leave it whenever I want. It exists outside of our time/space so when I enter and leave I can go anywhere within either as a destination
A monkeys paw mechanic for everyone in this thread except for me, the annullment of my own bodily needs (eg. sleep, food, water), and i dunno, maybe a cool rock
Infinite positive-effects-only wishes (what I consider to be positive)
Everyone now has empathy and selflessness, eliminating corruption, greed, stepping over each other, exploitation, etc.
Post-scarcity society, eliminating class even more than the above, since everyone can own whatever they want. Basically a real life Replicator.
Since I got infinite wishes, given number 3, society will have an even bigger trash problem than we already have. So a convenient, self-contained black hole we can put trash into, inventing a method of creating dark matter, revolutioning how we store energy, Futurama-style, which then becomes free due to post-scarcity.
Healthy planet, healthy people, healthy animals, plants, etc. Also includes mental health (infinite wishes are nice)
A replicator solves the trash problem, you just throw the trash in the replicator and it breaks it down to build stuff.
I choose you to get the wishes. Your list is my list. I don't wish for immortality - since I had kids, I'm disqualified. But 10x the lifespan with hundreds of years feeling like I do now, that would be nice, and with the replicator technology (who will get the manual on how to service these) the carrying capacity of the earth should be higher.
In a short story, the monkey's paw is an artifact that grants three wishes of the person who holds it, albeit in the worst way possible.
The story goes that a pensioner and his wife receive the paw from some guy who warns them that the paw twists the wishes, but they pay the warning no mind and wish for a sum of money. A finger on the paw curls, and a factory foreman shows up with the money explaining that their son has died of a horrific mutilating accident in the factory. The insurance policy pays the money out to the surviving members of the family.
The wife wishes that their son were alive again, another finger curls, and a few hours later they hear another knock at the door. The wife rushes to welcome their son, however, recalling the stranger's warning and imagining how terrifying the mutilated body of their son might look, the father uses the last finger to wish the son dead and buried again. Incidentally, there doesn't appear to be a negative on that wish apart from the horror that's already been visited on them.
Yeah..... That's it. 19 other drivers, including two other multi time world champions, all suck. You are right. I was wrong. Give me a second to open my mouth wide enough to accept Max's thin, drink tube-like penis as you have
Oh come off it, that was clearly a joke. But seriously, F1 is more than the race for P1. The current season wouldn't be much more entertaining without him. Sure, he's dominating at the front, but that's only 1/20th of the race, everything that happens behind him is constantly in flux and plenty interesting to watch.
I wish for a machine that can convert matter to its subatomic particles and then rearrange them back together according to any pattern that it has stored by previously disassembling, that is also able to be integrated into the human body.
I wish for an autonomous cloud computer system that can store both the patterns and a full copy of every bit of data currently on the internet and that the machine produced and that has a neural integration system so that the entire process can be controlled by the mind, and that this system also be able to be integrated into the human body.
I wish to have both of those and myself, 1 year from today to be brought, fully functional and with all knowledge and systems intact into the past, taking the place of my 18 year old self.
Wait I thought of a second wish. That politician? The one You (yes you) don't like? Every time they open their mouth to talk in public or when there's something around to record they let out the grossest nastiest wettest fart like they gotta go check, but everything's dry. But it's so nasty they gotta go check every time. For the rest of their life.
Video game style save states so when I mess things up I can just go back and fix them as long as I remembered to save. Like that one rick and morty episode except without killing a version of myself every time I use it
The ability to change all aspects of myself at will
Ownership of a well-organized collection of infinite-lifespan SSDs (100TB each) collectively containing English translations of all encyclopedias that have or will ever exist, human or otherwise, including full version history. And the proper facility for storing such.
I wish that everyone in my family slowly over two years gets into then stays in decent shape for the rest of their lives.
I wish that everyone in my family gets success, but keeps most of our anonymity.
I wish that pollution (including co2) was reversed to pre industrial revolution levels, this means that all material causing pollution is transformed back into raw material, so all excess co2 would be transformed back into what it was before, oil/coal/wood, suddenly we would have a clean planet, full of natural resources and modern technology, as well as an understanding of climate change, we would get a second chance, but with an enourmous jumpstart.
As much money as I'll virtually need for a comfortable daily life
Initiate world peace ✌️
Edit: Would happily change as much money as I'll virtually need for the ability to reincarnate pm_me_your_vagina_pics_thanks friend whom died of cancer
The "love of Catholic God" is a reference to the priests that rape helpless children, right? Or just the institution that allows, covers up, and perpetuates it?
93 Comments
PM_me_your_vagina_thanks@kbin.social · 29 pts · 2y
I want my best friend alive again, and the cancer to be gone. He can have the third.
sanosuke001@lemmynsfw.com · 8 pts · 2y
I'd give all three of mine to this guy.
Sorry for your loss ;(
TheBananaKing@lemmy.world · 24 pts · 2y
'scuse me while I go unfuck some shit.
dandroid@dandroid.app · 20 pts · 2y
"SEE! We told you the problem would fix itself! Now we don't need to take any action to better ourselves for the sake of the environment!"
Luckily you thought of that and using your third wish, you can fix it properly.
Papergeist@lemmy.world · 18 pts · 2y
Infinite wishes
Alivrah@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 2y
Fool! I wish for infinite wishes plus one!
sntx@lemm.ee · 3 pts · 2y
inifinity + 1 = infinity
Try ℵ₁ wishes!
Alivrah@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
ℵ₁ +1! Gotcha!
oldGregg@lemm.ee · 14 pts · 2y
Motivation to complete anything I decide to do.
General happiness with life.
Good health for my immediate family and I for 50 years.
Empricorn@feddit.nl · 1 pts · 2y
I mean, you could have solved starvation and global peace, but those are nice too.
oldGregg@lemm.ee · 16 pts · 2y
You're welcome to solve those if you want.
Don't highroad wishes.
TrenchcoatFullofBats@belfry.rip · 4 pts · 2y
And always drink Bailey's from a shoe
angstylittlecatboy@reddthat.com · 11 pts · 2y
A post scarcity society
World peace
The eradication of authoritarianism
Sensitivezombie@lemmy.zip · 0 pts · 2y
and capitalism (which would be the case under #1 but don't underestimate human greed)
agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 2y
Capitalism is ultimately bourgeoisie authoritarianism
RIPandTERROR@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 9 pts · 2y
Fix global environment/emissions to stable levels.
Fix ignorance/hate
Fix capitalism & greed
Narrrz@kbin.social · 9 pts · 2y
a private reality which obeys whatever rules i want it to.
the ability to interface this reality with any others, as well as disconnect it, at will.
yyyesss@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 2y
shit. this is top tier wishing right here
Narrrz@kbin.social · 2 pts · 2y
don't forget to make your first wish "if i, as i am now or as i become subsequent to their fulfilment, am unsatisfied with the outcome of any of my wishes, i wish to return to the moment i first was granted them, retaining full knowledge of the timeline as i caused it to be but with the ability to make diffent choices"
since we're supposed to not be dealing with a monkey paw/genie situation, i didn't use it this way, but in general I'd recommend making it your first wish under any such circumstances.
rephrase as necessary to further weed out possible loopholes.
HubertManne@kbin.social · 8 pts · 2y
1 - safety plan from other poster "if i, as i am now or as i become subsequent to their fulfilment, am unsatisfied with the outcome of any of my wishes, i wish to return to the moment i first was granted them, retaining full knowledge of the timeline as i caused it to be but with the ability to make diffent choices"
2 - maine plan - everyone wakes up to find out we are in a simulation and the real world is a post scarcity start trek like society but with total peace and harmony and none of the fighting
3 - backup plan - my own personal universe/dimension where I control all aspects of it and can enter it and leave it whenever I want. It exists outside of our time/space so when I enter and leave I can go anywhere within either as a destination
pastaPersona@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 2y
An Commodore 64, 7 million dollars, and a garbage can that never gets full
variants_of_concern@lemmy.one · 5 pts · 2y
Every house needs an incinerator
metaStatic@kbin.social · 10 pts · 2y
and no one will ever need more than 64k of ram
agent_flounder@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 2y
Best I can do is a C64 emulator ...
I miss my first computer 😢
HipsterTenZero@dormi.zone · 8 pts · 2y
A monkeys paw mechanic for everyone in this thread except for me, the annullment of my own bodily needs (eg. sleep, food, water), and i dunno, maybe a cool rock
Everythingispenguins@lemmy.world · 18 pts · 2y
You are later crushed by your cool rock. Not because of a monkey paw but everybody else is so mad they drop it on you.
ShitOnABrick@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 2y
Haw haw reverse uno I use my monkey paw wish to wish the same upon to you also cool rock
ChairmanMeow@programming.dev · 7 pts · 2y
Omnipotence. Then I'm pretty much done.
sntx@lemm.ee · 3 pts · 2y
After that, add Omniscience
intensely_human@lemm.ee · 2 pts · 2y
Congratulations! You now have the same relationship to the universe that a programmer has to his code.
Good luck, and happy debugging
sntx@lemm.ee · 1 pts · 2y
Everything will be LISP in the future
Lemminary@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
Yes! Give me all of the science!
ChairmanMeow@programming.dev · 1 pts · 2y
Not even necessary, with omnipotence you can do that youself. But a little mystery in life would still be fun, no?
intensely_human@lemm.ee · 1 pts · 2y
Screw it! Just change the laws of reality so you can be omniscient and have mystery at the same time. Make it so those two things don’t conflict.
FartsWithAnAccent@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 2y
Post scarcity society.
Immortality.
Infinite wishes.
Witchfire@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 2y
Universal healthcare
Capitalism and authoritarianism eradicated
Everyone's medical and student debt wiped
refurbishedrefurbisher@lemmy.sdf.org · 5 pts · 2y
Infinite positive-effects-only wishes (what I consider to be positive)
Everyone now has empathy and selflessness, eliminating corruption, greed, stepping over each other, exploitation, etc.
Post-scarcity society, eliminating class even more than the above, since everyone can own whatever they want. Basically a real life Replicator.
Since I got infinite wishes, given number 3, society will have an even bigger trash problem than we already have. So a convenient, self-contained black hole we can put trash into, inventing a method of creating dark matter, revolutioning how we store energy, Futurama-style, which then becomes free due to post-scarcity.
Healthy planet, healthy people, healthy animals, plants, etc. Also includes mental health (infinite wishes are nice)
RBWells@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 2y
A replicator solves the trash problem, you just throw the trash in the replicator and it breaks it down to build stuff.
I choose you to get the wishes. Your list is my list. I don't wish for immortality - since I had kids, I'm disqualified. But 10x the lifespan with hundreds of years feeling like I do now, that would be nice, and with the replicator technology (who will get the manual on how to service these) the carrying capacity of the earth should be higher.
Bye@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 2y
Two chicks at the same time
Not sure about the third wish
intensely_human@lemm.ee · 2 pts · 2y
That’s … that’s what you’d do with three wishes? Two chicks at the same time? Couldn’t you do that without three wishes?
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
You haven't seen my horribly disfigured body. I'd probably need all three wishes for it.
histic@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 4 pts · 2y
what's the monkey paw mechanic I'm confused
LoamImprovement@ttrpg.network · 3 pts · 2y
In a short story, the monkey's paw is an artifact that grants three wishes of the person who holds it, albeit in the worst way possible.
The story goes that a pensioner and his wife receive the paw from some guy who warns them that the paw twists the wishes, but they pay the warning no mind and wish for a sum of money. A finger on the paw curls, and a factory foreman shows up with the money explaining that their son has died of a horrific mutilating accident in the factory. The insurance policy pays the money out to the surviving members of the family.
The wife wishes that their son were alive again, another finger curls, and a few hours later they hear another knock at the door. The wife rushes to welcome their son, however, recalling the stranger's warning and imagining how terrifying the mutilated body of their son might look, the father uses the last finger to wish the son dead and buried again. Incidentally, there doesn't appear to be a negative on that wish apart from the horror that's already been visited on them.
intensely_human@lemm.ee · 2 pts · 2y
I wish you hadn’t asked that
Ejh3k@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 2y
Max verstappen and Donald Trump both due in a head on car collision against each other.
Green Bay Packers never win another game.
To live a long and healthy life with my wife.
Squeak@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 2y
Why Verstappen?
Ejh3k@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
Imagine how excellent this F1 season would have been without him?
ChairmanMeow@programming.dev · 2 pts · 2y
How is it Max's fault everyone else sucks?
Ejh3k@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
Yeah..... That's it. 19 other drivers, including two other multi time world champions, all suck. You are right. I was wrong. Give me a second to open my mouth wide enough to accept Max's thin, drink tube-like penis as you have
ChairmanMeow@programming.dev · 0 pts · 2y
Oh come off it, that was clearly a joke. But seriously, F1 is more than the race for P1. The current season wouldn't be much more entertaining without him. Sure, he's dominating at the front, but that's only 1/20th of the race, everything that happens behind him is constantly in flux and plenty interesting to watch.
Squeak@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
But then we wouldn’t have had 2021 which was amazing.
Ejh3k@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
Was it? Twisted rules for a final lap to decide the championship?
Was that really amazing?
Squeak@lemmy.world · 0 pts · 2y
Yes. The whole season isn’t written off because of 1 lap. The season was amazing. The final lap was bullshit, but the season was one of the best.
The final lap also wasn’t on Max, that was ok Masi
dandroid@dandroid.app · 1 pts · 2y
I like the way you think. Except it would be Erik Karlsson would never win another game (hockey). Fuck that guy in particular.
IOII19@lemm.ee · 1 pts · 2y
What did Max ever do to you 😭
Ejh3k@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 2y
He's just a cunt.
Godnroc@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 2y
The power to change things, the knowledge of how to change things for a desired outcome, and the wisdom to know if I should.
HubertManne@kbin.social · 1 pts · 2y
good one
bloopernova@programming.dev · 4 pts · 2y
My own General Systems Vehicle complete with a holodeck lol.
Immortality via transfer of consciousness into permanent artificial bodies for me, my wife, and our dog.
All humans will become much more proactive and thus don't put up with corporate or government bullshit.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 2y
Fix the environmental and ecological collapse, end bigotry, the ability to shapeshift
HexesofVexes@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 2y
Bizarroland@kbin.social · 3 pts · 2y
I wish for a machine that can convert matter to its subatomic particles and then rearrange them back together according to any pattern that it has stored by previously disassembling, that is also able to be integrated into the human body.
I wish for an autonomous cloud computer system that can store both the patterns and a full copy of every bit of data currently on the internet and that the machine produced and that has a neural integration system so that the entire process can be controlled by the mind, and that this system also be able to be integrated into the human body.
I wish to have both of those and myself, 1 year from today to be brought, fully functional and with all knowledge and systems intact into the past, taking the place of my 18 year old self.
JUST_LET_ME_FAP@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 2y
BowserBasher@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 2y
To own my own theme park in which the rides never break down so that everyone can enjoy it anytime.
£10 million. I think that’s more than enough to live off.
The ability to forget something at will so that I can experience something again for the first time.
dandroid@dandroid.app · 4 pts · 2y
Eric Cartman is on lemmy?
firecat@kbin.social · -2 pts · 2y
Granted you now live in a loop experiencing the wish event until you die.
BodePlotHole@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 2y
Wipe the student loan debt and I'll donate the other two wishes to charity.
Seriously, fuck this six figures of bullshit.
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 2y
I wish I had a turkey sandwich. On rye bread. With lettuce, and mustard.
pdxfed@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 2y
More of an MLT guy myself, nothing like a good Mutton Lettuce and Tomato when the tomato's are just 🤌
ShitOnABrick@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 2y
Priorities
son_named_bort@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 2y
The turkey's a little dry?
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
THE TURKEYS A LITTLE DRY!? OH FOUL THE CURSED THING. WHAT DEMON FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL CREATED THEE?
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
Wait I thought of a second wish. That politician? The one You (yes you) don't like? Every time they open their mouth to talk in public or when there's something around to record they let out the grossest nastiest wettest fart like they gotta go check, but everything's dry. But it's so nasty they gotta go check every time. For the rest of their life.
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
And going and checking is part of the wish I want cspan to get interesting
starman2112@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 2y
•1. I wish you would cry harder and not stop
•2. I wish no one can ever talk to you ever again
•3.
PlutoniumAcid@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 2y
Satan?
starman2112@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 2y
https://youtu.be/JlAE53lJO9I
JWBananas@startrek.website · 1 pts · 2y
I wish your pain was gone
rustyfish@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 2y
Immortality.
The ability to link one’s life to mine, effectively make others immortal.
Plant the Overview Effect into the mind of every human and make it a part of humanity’s consciousness forever.
Mango@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 2y
turbowafflz@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 2y
Video game style save states so when I mess things up I can just go back and fix them as long as I remembered to save. Like that one rick and morty episode except without killing a version of myself every time I use it
key@lemmy.keychat.org · 1 pts · 2y
Mastery over life and death
The ability to change all aspects of myself at will
Ownership of a well-organized collection of infinite-lifespan SSDs (100TB each) collectively containing English translations of all encyclopedias that have or will ever exist, human or otherwise, including full version history. And the proper facility for storing such.
AgentGrimstone@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
Everyone becomes a god of their own universe. Now you all can do whatever the hell you want.
Usernameblankface@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 2y
A fully stocked r&d shop for me, that transportation infrastructure in the US would be consistently less car dependent in the future, and world peace.
JimboDHimbo@lemmy.ca · 1 pts · 2y
E: #3 is needed to prevent #2 from causing mass chaos, and I'd be using #1 for at least 5 years before enacting #2 or #3.
gullible@kbin.social · 1 pts · 2y
To be able to convince anyone of anything, without reservations, whenever I choose
That I can never be forcefully contained within any construct or vessel, allowing me to leave whenever I like and return as I please.
Become a genie
Iunno, whatever I feel like convincing the first person to rub my completely voluntary lamp to wish for.
stoy@lemmy.zip · 1 pts · 2y
I would wish for the following.
I wish that everyone in my family slowly over two years gets into then stays in decent shape for the rest of their lives.
I wish that everyone in my family gets success, but keeps most of our anonymity.
I wish that pollution (including co2) was reversed to pre industrial revolution levels, this means that all material causing pollution is transformed back into raw material, so all excess co2 would be transformed back into what it was before, oil/coal/wood, suddenly we would have a clean planet, full of natural resources and modern technology, as well as an understanding of climate change, we would get a second chance, but with an enourmous jumpstart.
ShitOnABrick@lemmy.world · 0 pts · 2y
End world hunger
As much money as I'll virtually need for a comfortable daily life
Initiate world peace ✌️
Edit: Would happily change as much money as I'll virtually need for the ability to reincarnate pm_me_your_vagina_pics_thanks friend whom died of cancer
Pilokyoma@mujico.org · -6 pts · 2y
Kbobabob@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 2y
Hard pass
I've seen "the love of Catholic God"
qyron@sopuli.xyz · 2 pts · 2y
Number 3 is a very hard pass as well.
Archer@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 2y
Bold move having your second wish negate your first even if it was possible
NotSoCoolWhip@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 2y
The "love of Catholic God" is a reference to the priests that rape helpless children, right? Or just the institution that allows, covers up, and perpetuates it?