I don't hate my dick. I derive a lot of pleasure from it. I really don't experience dysphoria from having one, and in many ways I'm glad that I feel I can integrate my experience of womanhood with having a cock. And yet... I wish I had a pussy. I wish I could finger myself, I wish I could receive penetration vaginally. Yes I've tried anal, yes I've tried muffing. They don't do anything for me. I wish I had access to the rich range of non-anal sex toys available to people who have a pussy.
But it also isn't something that feels like a distressing yearning either? And having such a huge surgery which high risk of complication (I assume?) doesn't feel proportionate or worth it, but I'm also unsure if this is just because the prospect feels so out of reach anyway it doesn't even feel like an option. Because I'll likely never have the money to do that anyway.
To make it worse, I'm chronically ill and very disabled. Signing up to that much (albiet short term) pain, and higher risk of complications with my heart and hEDS, it just makes it all so much more complicated.
Idk what I'm looking for out of this other than: does anyone else relate? lol
16 Comments
applebusch@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 13 pts · 12d
i relate for sure. i like my penis. i also really want a pussy. anal is fun for me but it requires a lot of prep work and a lifestyle commitment which makes it borderline worth it atm. the good news is you can have both. its called phallus preserving vaginoplasty and its what i plan to get if i ever go through with bottom surgery. im still not sure of most of the details or what will ultimately be achievable for me but thats the dream at least.
PurpleFanatic@quokk.au · 2 pts · 10d
I've heard about this!! It's something I'm thinking about as a potential option.
MapleFawn@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 8 pts · 12d
The best I can do is give you my example I use when I try to explain my feelings regarding bottom surgery.
Once I was given a blue pen, didn’t ask for it but I enjoyed drawing water, the sky and many other things. I always fancied having a red pen though, so I can draw the sunset, fire and roses. I don’t hate the blue pen, it’s been great but if I could choose I’d have the red pen any day.
I feel mostly annoyed about my parts because they get in the way.. I just can’t wear what I want without extra steps and a constant feeling of bulging ಠ_ಠ
In regards to the costs, how much is it in your country? I have no concept of costs because in my place the health insurance would cover the costs if I ever were to get it (if I have a paper from my psychologist saying the op is required or recommended).
In other TMI news: I think it patience and introspective is what will get you the furthest. I tried anal, the differences in enjoyment proper prep makes is - at least for me - staggering. Which I only bring up because sometimes we don’t do a thing because it wasn’t perfect the first time. Some things require practice/experience.
PurpleFanatic@quokk.au · 2 pts · 10d
I soooo feel you on the bulging!!
So bottom surgery in my country is... complicated. I think you can get it done privately, but its prohibitively expensive. We have free state provided healthcare here, but they rarely provide GRS.
AzuraTheSpellkissed@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 7 pts · 12d
Oh I feel you. And you cannot truely know how comfortable you'll be with the end results until it's done and basically irreversible. I can fantasize with either option, but wouldn't want both; so I'm (currently) fine accepting that one of the two options will be locked to the realm of fantasy and dreams.
PurpleFanatic@quokk.au · 1 pts · 10d
I think thats the other thing... Although this smacks of my feelings pre hormones: "what if i hate tits? I'm only gonna know once I have them.... Shit!"
I have them now. They're fucking incredible and I love having them. Maybe that should tell me something.
isleepinahammock@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 9d
The way to get past these insecurities is to change your frame of questioning. Instead of asking, "what if I'm not right/what if I change my mind," instead ask, "in the unlikely event that I'm wrong, am I willing to live with the consequences?"
I was pretty sure I wanted SRS. Tucking sucked. I hated having this one jarring out of place piece of my body. I hated standing naked in front of a mirror and seeing a woman everywhere except between my legs. I wanted the sexual experiences that can come with having a vulva. I was pretty sure I wanted SRS.
But I'm way too analytical for my own good. I also got caught in analysis paralysis, wondering, "what if I'm wrong?"
What allowed me to get past these thoughts was to stop seeking 100% certainty. 100% certainty is not possible in this world on any decision. Instead of seeking 100% certainty, aim for 95% certainty and a willingness to live with the consequences if you're wrong.
That's what got me over the hurdle for SRS. I was pretty sure I wanted it, and in the tiny chance I was wrong and later regretted it? Well in that case I would be in the exact same situation as our FTM brothers. Worst case scenario I have to go through what the other half of the trans population has to deal with. When framed that way, suddenly making the wrong choice on SRS doesn't seem like such a life-ending mistake.
I had SRS in 2013. Best decision I ever made. Zero regrets. Hell, my entire life as it now exists would have been impossible without it.
erotador@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 5 pts · 12d
i want the surgery where you have both
isleepinahammock@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 4 pts · 11d
Honestly, I think you do have dysphoria about it. The test for genital dysphoria is not, "am I going to end my life if I don't get surgery?" The test is, "if I could press a magic button and instantly and painlessly have a set of the opposite sex parts, would I do so?"
Whether surgery is actually worth the pain, expense, risk, and compromises? That's a whole other question. But I find the majority of trans people who say they don't have genital dysphoria absolutely do. But a lot of folks make the same mistake people do about gender dysphoria in general. They'll act like they don't have it as long as they're not literally on a bridge about to jump off from the pain.
Don't write it off. You can find a way to make it happen. But make no mistake. The phrases, "I wish I had a pussy," and, "I don't experience dysphoria from having one (a penis)," are mutually contradictory.
PurpleFanatic@quokk.au · 2 pts · 10d
Christ, thanks so much for this reminder. You commenting this reminded me about how I used to talk about my "lack of dysphoria" before I medically transitioned. No matter what I could say about things, I could never deny that I'd press that magic button in an instant to change myself over. Changing my genitals to a vulva feels literally no different, and I think that should tell me something quite important.
I think the problem I've got with taking the leap is: I've got several quite serious chronic illnesses. One of them is hEDS, which can make pain relief very difficult and complicated. With my POTS, I also worry about post surgery complications and being out of work for too long. That and, the money would be so much, which I sorely need to make my life livable and accessible.
That being said, I will be preparing all I can to make it possible if I do choose to in future. Worse case scenario? I have a nice chunk of savings in a couple decades time.
gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 11d
yeah i relate. girl, you don't need a surgery to be yourself. don't conform to gender stereotypes. if you want to be an unusual girl, be happy and don't listen to people trying to reduce your degrees of freedom. at least that's my approach.
after all the point of all this is to be happy, not to conform to yet another gender stereotype.
PurpleFanatic@quokk.au · 2 pts · 10d
Fuck yeah. As a butch transfem, couldn't agree more. I think for me the idea of surgery is less around conformity, and more around... Idk, the experience of having different genitals would definitely feel more in alignment. That being said, I'm also trying to find more ways to... idk, embody the "femminine" nature of having a girl dick too.
Shirow@lemmy.zip · 3 pts · 12d
On point with my feelings.
I had a few episode with dysphoria though. Never too long.
MystValkyrie@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 12d
Someday I really hope I can get bottom surgery. But yes, there are so many tradeoffs and I'm worried that things would go wrong too. sigh
beliquititious@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 11d
I have pretty mixed feelings about it. I have a lot of dysphoria using the bathroom because my penis has gotten so small from HRT I can't just sit down and pee, I have to physically manipulate it to not make a mess. It's a constant reminder of how different I am from other women and it's very invalidating. On the other hand that's kind of a perk too because I haven't needed to tuck in several years.
But at the same time, it's unlikely I'll ever have health insurance again because I decided to abandon my career for unrelated reasons so footing the $50k-$100k bill is out of the question. There is also the fact that I am grey ace and don't have much interest in most kinds of sex so having one genital configuration or another doesn't matter all that much. Though I do wonder how much of that is related to the dysphoria because vaginal sex is still appealing if the vagina was mine. I've also kind of come to the decision not to pursue romantic or sexual relationships anymore because of my body, but also a lot of unrelated mental health stuff so probably the only thing that will interact with my genitals in the future is my magic wand, Keanu.
I've also heard there are some serious, potentially life threatening complications that can come from bottom surgery and that dilating a neo-vagina after surgery can be extraordinarily painful and take months to finish.
isleepinahammock@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 9d
You can fly to Thailand and get SRS for $10-15k from some of the most skilled and experienced SRS surgeons on the planet.
Eh. The first year sucks, but after that it's not too bad.
hildegarde@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 1 pts · 11d