Someone tells me they like my outfit or hat or glasses or something, they get a short and curt Liz Stokes-esque “thank you.”, and I say nothing more and go back to the thing I was doing.
How much flirting have I been casually waving off? Doesn’t really matter. I’ve got the appropriate amount of sex in my life (none) and the appropriate amount of romance in my life (Gomez says maybe I should chill?).
The funny thing about men is that most of them are terrible at flirting, but it never bothers them enough to get off their asses and figure out how it works.
It's not magic, it's a skill like everything else.
It's a skill where fucking it up has the possible consequence of being labeled a creep, or worse. Makes it a lot harder to get into when participating could ruin your life. Many people have written off flirting / approaching in person entirely because of this.
Note the "possible". Fear means people are less likely to do something, not that there is some sort of assessment on the likelyhood of a risk actually happening.
You made it very clear that you're talking about your fears. Not your actual experiences, but your imagined ones.
I'm put in mind of MRA Men, of self described "incels," who are fond of claiming that even a single accusation of sexual impropriety can "ruin their lives." But as far as I can tell, that just doesn't happen.
Believe it or not, you can't die of embarrassment. If one person decides (if a dozen people decide) they don't want to hang out with you (whether they call you a "creep" or not), that's not "ruining your life."
Do you imagine that, given the billions of people who have lived and died before you, you are really a unique outlier, of such exquisite psychological delicacy that even the slightest embarrassment will create permanent psychic scars? It's a fantastically egotistical point of view.
I appreciate all the work you put into writing about and belittling my experiences. Please reconsider your priorities.
I'm autistic. More importantly I'm also empathetic; too many people have told me that women don't appreciate being approached by strange people except in very specific circumstances. It's not just a person risk vs personal reward calculation. It's also a risk of how whoever I approach may be affected as well. It's a calculation of what the reward actually is. Getting a date could be fun, but I'm not so sure it's worth ruining someone (or several someone's) else's evening to obtain it. I'm also very sure that the amount of times I would have to try, in order to learn how to flirt, is much higher than a neurotypical person's would be.
Just because you think that learning to flirt with people is a skill worth having does mean it is one I think is one worth having, independant of any of the risks or realities of what learning to flirt might actually entail.
I appreciate all the work you put into writing about and belittling my experiences
What experiences?
More importantly I’m also empathetic
Heroin addiction will ruin your life. Gambling addiction will ruin your life. Watching your kids get used for target practice by invading soldiers will ruin your life. Watching your friends and neighbors get pancaked by a collapsing apartment block might ruin your life. These things, and other things like them, are really happening in other people's real lives every day.
Flirting will not ruin your life.
Use that empathy of yours to find some perspective.
women don’t appreciate being approached by strange people
This is a very blinkered idea of what flirting is.
Just because you think that learning to flirt with people is a skill worth having...
I don't care at all whether you decide to learn to flirt or not. I'm not telling you how to live.
It is your assertion that attempting it would ruin your life that makes me cringe. It is so utterly self-absorbed, so free of context or proportion, such a "I'm 14 and this is deep" attitude. I genuinely hope you grow up enough to see this one day.
How do you usually learn stuff? You could find a book on the topic and read it. Theory can't fully replace practical experience, but it can carry you at least some of the way. Or if you're more hands-on, you try stuff out, see how well it works (or doesn't), and then use Google to figure out what you did wrong.
There are some books written for lawyers on how to make people feel more comfortable talking to them. Criminalist Jo-Ellan Dimitrus's "reading people" for example.
This happened to me with a fucking bombshell girl. She started flirting back so aggressively that I got scared. Turns out she is batshit crazy and I dodged a bullet.
Now I only flirt with ugly girls to keep the universe balanced. Ugly girls rule.
40 Comments
Gullible@sh.itjust.works · 60 pts · 28d
Show her your carabiners. Women love carabiners
TheGoldenV@lemmy.world · 43 pts · 28d
Have you even seen the extra pockets on my cargo pants?
cannedtuna@lemmy.world · 19 pts · 28d
Showing off the pockets in cargo shorts like ladies show off skirts with pockets.
puts hands it little leg pockets See! It has pockets!
Septimaeus@infosec.pub · 3 pts · 28d
Guilty. But just the ones I sewed in myself. Street cred, you know.
MrSelfDestruct@piefed.zip · 34 pts · 28d
So, do you like stuff?
MutantTailThing@lemmy.world · 24 pts · 28d
I like doing stuff and junk
dvlsg@lemmy.world · 15 pts · 28d
That's a shame, I'm more into doing stuff and things.
untorquer@quokk.au · 14 pts · 28d
Bro she wants to do your junk
0ops@piefed.zip · 8 pts · 28d
And stuff
Magnum@infosec.pub · 2 pts · 27d
And things!!!
mycodesucks@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 28d
Zorque@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 28d
'Ello Sue!
Johanno@feddit.org · 22 pts · 28d
They flirt back?
Slovene85@sh.itjust.works · 20 pts · 28d
"Sometimes they flirt back" by Stephen King
cRazi_man@europe.pub · 18 pts · 28d
Don't know what to do next. Never got this far.
tanisnikana@lemmy.world · 11 pts · 28d
Someone tells me they like my outfit or hat or glasses or something, they get a short and curt Liz Stokes-esque “thank you.”, and I say nothing more and go back to the thing I was doing.
How much flirting have I been casually waving off? Doesn’t really matter. I’ve got the appropriate amount of sex in my life (none) and the appropriate amount of romance in my life (Gomez says maybe I should chill?).
iocase@lemmy.zip · 11 pts · 27d
I'm like that dog that finally caught the car
Now what?
fisch@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 28d
The funny thing about men is that most of them are terrible at flirting, but it never bothers them enough to get off their asses and figure out how it works.
It's not magic, it's a skill like everything else.
DaGeek247@fedia.io · 31 pts · 28d
It's a skill where fucking it up has the possible consequence of being labeled a creep, or worse. Makes it a lot harder to get into when participating could ruin your life. Many people have written off flirting / approaching in person entirely because of this.
Note the "possible". Fear means people are less likely to do something, not that there is some sort of assessment on the likelyhood of a risk actually happening.
fisch@lemmy.world · -1 pts · 28d
Giving up before even trying does not sound like a winning strategy.
NaibofTabr@infosec.pub · 20 pts · 28d
If winning means not getting charged with sexual harassment, it's a good strategy.
mycodesucks@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 28d
Yeah... the risk/reward does not have a good skew.
fisch@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 28d
Whatever works for you man
WesternInfidels@feddit.online · -1 pts · 28d
I'm not going to tell you that flirting is easy or that there's no wrong way to do it, but this is unreasonable. Hyperbolic.
DaGeek247@fedia.io · 3 pts · 27d
I'll thank you not to decide my experiences for me.
WesternInfidels@feddit.online · 0 pts · 27d
You made it very clear that you're talking about your fears. Not your actual experiences, but your imagined ones.
I'm put in mind of MRA Men, of self described "incels," who are fond of claiming that even a single accusation of sexual impropriety can "ruin their lives." But as far as I can tell, that just doesn't happen.
Believe it or not, you can't die of embarrassment. If one person decides (if a dozen people decide) they don't want to hang out with you (whether they call you a "creep" or not), that's not "ruining your life."
Do you imagine that, given the billions of people who have lived and died before you, you are really a unique outlier, of such exquisite psychological delicacy that even the slightest embarrassment will create permanent psychic scars? It's a fantastically egotistical point of view.
DaGeek247@fedia.io · 3 pts · 27d
I appreciate all the work you put into writing about and belittling my experiences. Please reconsider your priorities.
I'm autistic. More importantly I'm also empathetic; too many people have told me that women don't appreciate being approached by strange people except in very specific circumstances. It's not just a person risk vs personal reward calculation. It's also a risk of how whoever I approach may be affected as well. It's a calculation of what the reward actually is. Getting a date could be fun, but I'm not so sure it's worth ruining someone (or several someone's) else's evening to obtain it. I'm also very sure that the amount of times I would have to try, in order to learn how to flirt, is much higher than a neurotypical person's would be.
Just because you think that learning to flirt with people is a skill worth having does mean it is one I think is one worth having, independant of any of the risks or realities of what learning to flirt might actually entail.
WesternInfidels@feddit.online · 1 pts · 21d
What experiences?
Heroin addiction will ruin your life. Gambling addiction will ruin your life. Watching your kids get used for target practice by invading soldiers will ruin your life. Watching your friends and neighbors get pancaked by a collapsing apartment block might ruin your life. These things, and other things like them, are really happening in other people's real lives every day.
Flirting will not ruin your life.
Use that empathy of yours to find some perspective.
This is a very blinkered idea of what flirting is.
I don't care at all whether you decide to learn to flirt or not. I'm not telling you how to live.
It is your assertion that attempting it would ruin your life that makes me cringe. It is so utterly self-absorbed, so free of context or proportion, such a "I'm 14 and this is deep" attitude. I genuinely hope you grow up enough to see this one day.
testaccount789@sh.itjust.works · 14 pts · 28d
It's not like there is a manual.
https://man.archlinux.org/search?q=flirt ^/j^
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 28d
It's not a skill arch users will teach you
Actually since the arch user stereotype has been shifting from basement dweller to transfem polycule it may actually be one they'll teach nowadays…
fisch@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 28d
How do you usually learn stuff? You could find a book on the topic and read it. Theory can't fully replace practical experience, but it can carry you at least some of the way. Or if you're more hands-on, you try stuff out, see how well it works (or doesn't), and then use Google to figure out what you did wrong.
Jankatarch@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 28d
There are some books written for lawyers on how to make people feel more comfortable talking to them. Criminalist Jo-Ellan Dimitrus's "reading people" for example.
cosmos8188@leminal.space · 2 pts · 27d
Looks like we all need a bit of lawyer skills in day to day life.
NaibofTabr@infosec.pub · 7 pts · 28d
Look, it's hard to tell if a girl's into you, OK?
Slovene85@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 28d
The funny thing about men is the penis.
zaphod@sopuli.xyz · 7 pts · 28d
Worst thing she could say is "yes".
mirshafie@europe.pub · 6 pts · 28d
This happened to me with a fucking bombshell girl. She started flirting back so aggressively that I got scared. Turns out she is batshit crazy and I dodged a bullet.
Now I only flirt with ugly girls to keep the universe balanced. Ugly girls rule.
socsa@piefed.social · 3 pts · 28d
Nut Button
lengau@midwest.social · 1 pts · 25d
2me_irl4me_irl
kryptonianCodeMonkey@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 28d
Andy and Randy from Sex Drive?