Love to everyone affected

cis women also had to deal with comments like “well what did you do for him to do that to you?” in regards to domestic violence.

Most victims of domestic violence face this kind of scrutiny, not just cis women. I'm including men, trans, enbies, everyone.

There are definitely some circumstances where this rings true that isn't rape, but rape victims are treated in this way the majority of the time.

i grew up in an abusive household too but thankfully it was never sexual or violent (although i guess im not counting all the spanking... with a wooden spoon...), but was absolutely emotionally abusive. its hard to describe to people how bad it was and how it made me feel. every failure was my fault and punishable according to the capricious whims of my dad, and every success was expected and served only to raise the bar for next time. i never knew for sure what would set him off and earn me some kind of punishment. sometimes it was obvious, not meeting some obligation i was aware of but couldnt meet because of how my brain works. sometimes i just violated some unspoken expectation i could never have known because i was never told. sometimes for no reason at all just because he was in a bad mood and i happened to be in view. sometimes, a lot of times actually, i got in trouble just for having feelings about things, positive or negative. i felt like all they really wanted was an obedient doll who stayed out of the way when they didnt want something from me.

the worst part of all of it was that everyone around me acted like it was my fault. i wanted to be good. i wanted to be safe. i wanted to trust and love my parents and live up to their expectations and for them to be proud of me. but it was impossible and that was my fault. i was bad. i was disobedient. i had a problem with authority. no one had to look for a reason for it to be my fault they just knew it was at a glance.

sometimes i feel like it would have been better if something worse happened, so at least i could show someone the evidence of my abuse. some major injury maybe. bruises. a broken limb. something. all i got was deep emotional scars that im still trying to work through and heal, 12 years after moving out of their house.

idk why i typed all this. i hope youre doing ok these days.

I never had a problem with my parents in terms of abuse, but I have had people tell me that the boys who were bullying me in school just liked me and I should be nicer to them.

This came from teachers, no less. Sometimes even women teachers.

The "don't make waves" social pressure is one of the most troubling elements of family abuse and violence to me. And it's so deeply internalized that I wish people were more willing to think twice about what healthy boundaries mean even in the closest families.

I was in a conversation a while back with a man I respected, soft-spoken and gentle by all appearances, who, when the topic (indirectly) came up, insisted that there's nothing anyone could do that justifies being shunned from a family. Even when pressed, he doubled down on it.

Hearing that made me really uncomfortable and I didn't figure out exactly why until recently. I don't interact with the man anymore, but I can only hope it came out of a place of privilege, of never experiencing some of these horrors within his own family, not out of some sense of threat to what he felt entitled to--but I have my doubts.

This is a very common element of abuse. It is called DARVO, for:

• Deny the harm or abuse
• Attack the victim and/or victim's supporters
• Reverse Victim and Offender

Personally, I view DARVO as the defining element of abuse, and what distinguishes it from mere neglect/battery/theft/etc.

Ive heard that trans women like being raped because they 'dress like that'. As if being a woman means that you automatically exist to be a sex object.

Do they claim you’re ruining the thief’s life by speaking up? That since you’ve been in and out of your car multiple times, you were asking for your car to be broken into?

Have you read the rules here?

I'm sure that's totally similar to getting blamed for your own rape.

just to check, have you read the rules of this community?

Not locking your car doesn't mean, others were allowed to steal

P.S. The question at the end was rhetorical. That's one of those questions meant to make you think, not respond.

It's amazing how y'all don't jump in on posts about supporting fellow women or stories about women triumphing over adversity or questions about what's going right in our lives.

It's always the rape posts that you must chime in on.

Have you read the rules here?

Hey look! Another one came out of the woodwork to spout some bullshit.

No one said false accusations aren't a crime. We're talking about the prevalence of victim blaming.

Read the rules and get out.