Sex as a trans women NSFW

Not sure if it's helpful, but I had a lot of issues with sex before I transitioned. I hated the out of control feeling that testosterone made me have when I was turned on. I often ended up having trouble maintaining erections and such and I generally enjoyed giving oral sex (mostly to vulvas) more than penetration except that my hormones made me want to give penetration and have orgasms so badly. Also, although I've been openly bi/pan for a long time, I never enjoyed anal sex (giving or receiving).

I got vaginoplasty about a year ago (getting some revision surgery soon). I had no real intention of even thinking about sex until after I had the revision and even then I mostly just wanted to have sex with people with vulvas rather than penises and didn't think I'd really want any penetration, just oral and manual sex. I also had some complications with my vulvoplasty and have a lot of trouble getting off and assumed that no one would be able to give me an orgasm, and I'd have to do it myself.

That all changed when I met my current girlfriend at a party. She's a cis-woman who has been bi for a long time but never had sex with a woman before. This kind of put me at ease a bit because neither of us were going into it with any expectations of what sex should be like.

Sex without toxic masculine practices, penises, and testosterone is way different than I expected. Toys and lube are not only normal, but kind of required much of the time, and orgasms don't have to be the end of the encounter.

It took a while to get comfortable trying new things and learning each other's bodies, but I really enjoy being penetrated vaginally with a strap-on and using a magic wand at the same time among other things. And since we're never in a hurry to keep an erection going or needing to stop for a while once one of us orgasms, or even for both of us to have orgasms every time, our sessions generally last hours instead of minutes and we can concentrate on one or the other, or do things that stimulate us both. And since there's no expectations, we both have very different needs, and we feel comfortable constantly communications those needs without the toxic masculinity conditioning or expectations, we can change it up as many times as we need to. There are so many types of toys and positions for us to try out it's a whole new world.

But of course that's just my experience. Vulvoplasty was the primary thing I was interested in when I transitioned, so YMMV.

I'll just share my own experience, as I hope it may be helpful. Until recently, I'd not had sex since transition. Before transition, it just felt weird and wrong, and I stopped for abt 9 years for a variety of personal reasons. A month and a half ago, I had my first sexual experience post-transition, and I've have a whole lot since then. I am not comfortable with penetrative sex using my parts, though I do feel okay using a strap-on with my partner (both giving and receiving). We got one that's super feminine, and looks like red lace lingerie with a corset back, and it's hot as fuck. But I'm a switch and vers, so I play both sides there. I used to be really uncomfortable with the idea of oral on me, but honestly, it didn't feel bad when it happened, and I've enjoyed it since. Now, I won't be able to climax from it—it's just not the right sensation—but it does feel good.

However, most of sex for me is found elsewhere. My partner and I (and the people we've been with together) are incredibly kinky, and all of the people I've been with lately have been trans and polyamorous. I get the most joy out of my body being touched, being bitten, scratched, cut, drawn on, having my hair pulled, being choked, spanked, blindfolded, tied up, and just a hell of a lot of other things that don't involve the genitals. For me, sex is not abt having an orgasm—it's abt having fun! I love it when I can make other people orgasm, but I should know damn well that it's hard for some people (bc it's been impossible for me unless I do it myself). As long as everyone is having fun, the sex is good.

What I've learned from my recent partners is that u really have to rediscover urself. U need to learn what does and doesn't work for u. And for that to be possible, u have to find someone u can trust to explore with. I got really lucky finding my gf, and I'm immensely grateful for it. I will say, however, that I have passing and pretty privilege. My gf thought I was cis when we first met. I understand that is a privilege, but honestly, it wouldn't have mattered to anyone that I've had sex with lately. They were all trans anyway, so I didn't need to pass. I just needed to strike up good conversation, flirt, and go in for the kill kiss. Then from there on, things just happened naturally. "So, am I going home with u tonight?" Or "what are ur plans for tonight?" Stuff like that. I was really far out of my comfort zone when I approached my gf, who was the first person I've been with in many years. But I was so done with feeling constantly alone, and we just got along so well when we were talking, that I pushed through it and faked the confidence I needed to get myself there. And since then, I've learned a lot about how to talk and flirt with people, and all kinds of stuff. It's been a hell of an experience.

Now, I will say smth abt anal. I tried it on myself a number of times and wasn't really into it. It just didn't do anything for me, and while I like pain (very much a masochist), it just didn't get me going. But recently, my gf has started doing it on me, and it's a completely different experience. On myself, it doesn't feel all that great, but when someone else is doing it to me, I get so much stimulation and pleasure that I almost just completely dissociate into a slutty pool of ecstasy. My gf knows how to actually do anal, and she has been stretching me out with her fingers first, which by themselves already feels incredible. It's completely different than me doing it to myself. I just completely melt in her hands lol. I've heard from her that it does take a lot of time to get used to it and relax the right way, but we've been working on it, and it has been so fucking amazing.

I'm not afraid to admit that I'm now a slut. I've had so much sex with lots of different people, including group sex, just in the last month. The other night, I made out with 5 trans women at the bar (it's trans night on Tuesdays, so I have a good selection), and was offered group sex multiple times just for the logistics to unfortunately not work out. Sex has completely changed for me in a way that I barely ever could have imagined. I lived in fear that I'd never enjoy it for so long, but I'm finally finding what I need. That took me a lifetime of discovery to find.

I want SRS so badly, and what I have makes me incredibly dysphoric, but I've discovered ways to make it work for myself in the meantime. For instance, when I masturbated, I did it differently post-transition. I typically used a toy (my favorite is a wand), and I found that feminine toys really helped me feel okay with it. I've had to rediscover myself in my (relatively) newfound femininity. I think that I'd have trouble with enjoying sex if I hadn't started exploring my own kinks, but obviously not everyone is kinky like that. But u can explore urself in different ways than kinks.

There's not gonna be a blanket answer for every trans person to feel comfortable with sex. Of course I acknowledge asexuality, but I'm trying to get a point across. It's different for everyone, and there are 2 things I can recommend. The first is using the wonderful tool of imagination. I've spent so much time just fantasizing abt what I think I'd like to try, and have been for many years. I've learned to keep an open mind, and challenge myself to understand things that I'm not familiar with, and consider them and how I may or may not enjoy them. The second...well it's just to try. I can't give u guidance on how to find a partner u trust, but if u can, then that makes things much easier. I felt like a virgin when I had my first post-transition sex. I didn't know if I was doing things right, and I just went by instinct, and it turns out my instinct was good. We talked abt our boundaries beforehand, safe words (I use stoplight green/yellow/red), and what we were looking for. We talked the whole time, and gave each other feedback on what we did and didn't like, and what we want the other to do next. It was a collaborative effort for us to both have fun. I was very upfront abt not being able to orgasm, and she understood bc she's the same way.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that self-discovery is a journey. No one can walk u through how to discover urself. That's smth that u have to figure out for urself. But its absolutely worth trying to discover urself. It can be difficult, and it takes time, but it's how u live the truest version of urself.

Hope ur journey leads u to wonderful things <3

one thing ill say about anal, at least for me it feels waaaaay better when someone else does it. i get very little pleasure from doing anal stuff on myself, but as soon as theres another person doing it it suddenly feels amazing. its such an intense experience and so much more something that someone is doing to you than anything they could do to your penis. i think its worth trying with a partner at least, given how long you would have to wait for SRS anyway. you might find its better than youre imagining. also worth noting you can have both. thats what id like to get someday.

One of the reasons therapy works is because it helps us explore our thoughts and feelings when we put things into words. Sometimes you realize something is very true, and sometimes we realize something we believed isn't quite right when we say it out loud.

Keep sharing how you feel with people. Keep writing it down or saying it out loud. The more you do that, the more likely you are to discover and understand yourself.

It's also ok to admit you don't have it all figured out yet. "Still on the journey" is a legitimate place to be.

uhh i have soo many things to say about this.

thank you for making this post, your curiosity pushes the world forward.

the thing is that maybe we should re-evaluate whether the concepts that are handed to us are actually meaningful. what is "sex" and why should we care?

i personally have never liked penetrative sex either, i dislike oral sex, kissing, also stuff like make-up, earrings, stuff that newspapers try to tell us are normal and that everybody should be into. if i don't see the point in something, then why should i like it?

the point is, make your own life, and don't care what other people think that "sex should look like". as long as you're comfy, that's all that matters.

i for example like cuddling a lot and i like being close to other people, and that's actually what i prefer to do when i have time with another person and the other person likes it too.

I see a lot of that in my slighty younger self. I can only offer my own experiences:

I used to be super insecure about sex and I thought I was way to dysphoric for a lot of things. It made me scared of even dating in the first place. But I just found partners I trust and with whom I can carefully explore things. I found out I am comfortable with way more things than I thought. I was scared that I couldnt enjoy sex at all or at least not before I get bottom surgery. Now I have fun doing things I didnt think I would ever do or enjoy. Some things depend a lot on the vibe in the moment and then trust I have with a partner, but if everything is right it's a lot of fun. I feel like a lot of things around sex also depend on self esteem and as you try things out and lose some of your insecurities it will eventually increase.

It might not be the same for you, but trying things out is imho the best way to figure yourself out in that regard. Just make sure you trust your partner enough to experiment and stop as soon as you feel uncomfortable. Also communication is key.

Worth knowing - both is in fact an option, "salmacian" is a word we've seen for it.

Oral sex on right hardware kicks ass.

Are you fine with something like a handjob, or frotting? Ever tried a vibrator?

I got stood-up by a chaser, and I think it turned me asexual

We haven't had sex since realising we are femme and that we're not human.

It's kind of interesting in that we feel like we are 'virgins' again, even though that's a bullshit concept.

We aren't really even sure what we'd even be into though, we're definitely not straight or monogamous, and we're demirose and other demi things besides (so effectively ace, aro and affection averse to all we aren't emotionally close to)

After a previous relationship we also learned not to rush into things, so we would wait at least a year before doing anything anyway.

We hope you figure it out.