Uhhhhhh, people want to share their love with me??? No. That sounds suspicious as hell. It's a trap. What's their endgame? I know they aren't after me lucky charms, because that cereal is disgusting, so I never buy it.
Still......these "people" sound demented in the head.
As someone who has treatment-resistant depression: keep inviting your friend. Keep asking them for help when it makes sense to do so. Even if they cancel a lot or are quiet when they do show up. That's helping a lot.
I don't know. Ever win a fight? I felt like the gorilla god king of the block for like a week after beating up someone who attacked me. It was better then cocaine
According to Wikipedia, the bhagavad gita was written around 200 BC, whereas stoicism originated in 400 BC. Admittedly, this was just the result of some very cursory research, the Buddhist philosophy could go back further than the writing itself, but it seems to me like they independently arise around the same time (that being around 200 years difference, lol) but you really need to be careful saying stuff like that. I've made the same mistake dozens of times where I confidently state something, only for it to be disproven by a minute of googling.
Happiness is fundamentally transitory and unsuitable for a goal, although setting up the circumstances for it to occur regularly isn't a bad idea. Being at peace, satisfied, not bored, and others relevant to you are much more consistent and achievable, and you only need to rely on yourself to do so (happiness is often circumstantial).
Happiness is fundamentally transitory and unsuitable for a goal
Oh, yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to imply "don't treat happiness as an expectation; treat it as a goal!", because like you said, it's fundamentally incompatible with what a goal is. I like to consider the SMART criteria, and even though it fails all of them (except 'T' if you insist you have a deadline to be happy), it fails 'A' the hardest, because a goal as such is literally defined by how it's oriented toward taking an action. Even if you think your goal is "I will be happy by doing X today", then – as long as you think you can do X and have a plan – what you actually have is the goal "I will do X today" with the faulty, tacked-on expectation of "and that will make me feel happy".
Call me pedantic, but that's not zero expectations. I 100% agree on the happiness expectations to depression pipeline, but zero expectations to me is expecting a ROI of 0, that is expecting any effort to be wasteful.
Lonliness is a significant driver of depression in modern society. Finding community and relationships can absolutely help. In fact friends and partners are generally the first people we need to talk to about our feelings.
Honestly, having good friends is super important, especially friends that you can have fun with on a compatible level. I have had over half a decade with no friends that I could do anything fun with, More like situationfriendships. Luckily I now have a friend that I can have consistent fun with, and we both have never felt better. Fun is so important in life, especially with other people.
Its rare to find a friend who will try new things. Super great to just say, "lets do this thing!" and them to emphatically agree 😁 I used to have no choice but to do those things alone.
So, how do I find them? I'm not in school and it's not like I live in a capital city. I also want to keep my privacy so online services asking for pictures and full names is a no go too. Finding friends online is hard too, since I don't use discord or the other mainstream apps. Not to mention my social and general anxiety.
I guess how I found my friend was really complicated and a bit of an adventure. But what I would do was go to a local casual sporting event (street dodgeball) in my city, albeit sketchy but cool. Didn't even have to talk. I also had really bad social anxiety. Being able to talk to homeless people on a regular basis for me made it a lot easier to talk to people who make 6 figures.
I would say if you can find a card/tabletop game shop that you can hangout there for free would be a good place. In a place like that, a lot of people are in the same boat. Pushing through the entry barrier is the hardest part, and it does not always work out. But when it does work, then you can carry on from there. Also see if the shop has some events you can attend. (I'm also a paranoid person, to the point that I think the store music is trying to get me)
Maybe also look for local sporting events. It doesn't even have to be super intense or clean or dirty.
What helped my social anxiety is my friend said that muggers look for people who don't look people in the eye or have confidence or smile. So, when I walk by people, I look them in the eye and smile. So now instead of feeling powerless and a social outcast, now I get to see them as wrong and muggable. You will have to power through it first. And then you will eventually get a person smiling back, or even starting a conversation. You'll be suprised how different other people are and how they think of the world.
Nope. Can't agree with you. I don't understand life, so I never know what to expect. Everyday I wake up and wonder what fresh new hell will await me in the headlines of the news, as the president continues to amaze me, and leave me in awe in all the new and creative ways he finds to globally embarass our whole country, and bring with it a new form of torture for all it's citizens.
The REAL secret to happyness is to have your butthole licked while riding a jetski, and eating an ice cream sunday.
The message is an unexpected intrusion, with right answers and wrong answers but it's not clear which is which.
"Morning beautiful! 😍 💕" Is insincere because anon doesnt feel that cheerful, and anon lacks confidence in his ability to be convincingly insincere, as well as feeling like a fraud for having to pretend to be happy, AND is acutely reminded of his inability to be happy. "Morning" is muted and emotionless, bound to be inadequate, possibly signalling anger or discontent. "👍 " Is definitely a no-go, probably. Non-response is also just kicking the can down the road, eventually he has to respond, AND come up with an excuse why he took so long.
Anon has just woken up and immediately needs to deal with a scenario that his threat-model doesn't cover, and where a wrong answer will have real-world consequences, possibly derailing his whole day and impacting his relationship over the longer term.
Anon is exhausted from the constant wargaming with all the minutiae of life.
I'm saving this for when someone sends me a friendly message and I don't know how to respond. It will probably derail my relationship, but at least they know what happened.
Fake: anon got a gf
Gay: anon is broken and lonely because he doesn't have a bf
Joking aside, a lot of these feelings come from childhood problems, whether we understand the triggers or not. It sucks because stuff that happens then carries over for the rest of our lives and it gets progressively harder to fix the older you get. People like this are the symptoms of a not quite functional family. Such families are the symptom of a broken, diseased society.
A partner won't fix you, or at least you shouldn't expect them to. A partner is there to support you in good times and bad. A crutch to lean on when you need it. Someone to comfort you when you need it. They aren't some magic tool to correct issues you might have.
However partner can be a driving force for you to start fighting for yourself - an external motivation. And partner can offer a boost to perceived self worth. Enough to enable you to try to fight for yourself.
I wanted to argue. I really did. I hate it and I don't want to connect partner as a word to abusive fucks you mention. But I cannot as they are included. Have an updoot and know you ruined my day ;-;
haha, it gets worse. you can have a partner who was wonderful and morphs into an abusive horrible person over time, because they become unhappy with their life and you become their punching bag.
Loneliness rarely appears alone without life events causing it. A generally healthy person will experience loneliness then seek out new people. If they keep failing that may cause other issues to appear. A person who's lonely and doesn't do that is likely experiencing other issues like depression, trauma, alienation from life, or something else.
Close relationships are a vital piece. Though I'll say friendships and general community are a much better place to start than relationships. But yeah, lonely people should also be checking in on other issues and not assuming having others will solve their problems.
Yeah I’m not sure what to tell yall, but happiness comes from within. If you attach it to mental formations (i.e. “The only way I can be happy is with a boyfriend/girlfriend”), then you’re gonna have a bad time.
In my experience, having a constant companion has a positive feedback loop. People you can continuously interact with - joking, catching up, eating together, helping one another out, just Netflix'n'Chilling... it's reaffirming.
But it is a loop. You don't just wake up happy forever. There's ups and downs. There's psychical and emotional adjustments. You're not immune to despair. You just have someone you can be glum around who - ideally - fills you in on the lows and rides with you for the highs.
If you've got a bunch of mental baggage going into a relationship, your partner (ideally) helps you unpack that shit and dispose of it. Or, at least, shows you their own baggage, so you know you're not alone. It doesn't just go away instantly, but over time you can put it behind you precisely because you've got someone else in your life affirming your own worth.
I agree with all that, but I'll also say that getting started fixing your issues first is a hugely valuable thing. If you haven't it's so easy to think love will solve all your problems while not even having the tools to deal with your own emotions and baggage.
You need people, we all do, and we deteriorate rapidly without people. But romantic relationships are really easy to screw up by being emotionally unhealthy
Idk, I've never been happier than the six months I was dating this girl who's sex drive was almost as high as mine. Never been able to get there on my own and the other aspects of my life have been way better since then. Sadly her mental health was a mess and that relationship didn't last.
No, it's not. Happiness is the action of self regulation. Happiness is choosing broccoli over a cookie because you know it is better for you. And then later choosing to have the cookie after you've had proper good food.
Someone tied up to a machine being dosed by chemicals to 'feel happy' would not be happy. Just like drug addicts, and other addicts, who are constantly chasing highs, are not happy people. They are fucking miserable, forever chasing and defining their entire life by those dopamine hits.
What you are describing is how children are. They would choose the cookie every time, eat cookies all day, get sick and throw up, and then get angry and sullen about it and still do it all over again. Because they have no ability to regulate, they just act in a state of pure dopamine seeking.
I struggle go see beyond my unconsciousness pishing back and hindering me to reflect in a neutral way.
I feel like I am stuck with my own image of myself without a possibility to see the actual me if that makes sense, so I feel like I'm not capable to be and feel myself?
Like, in my mind the way people perceive me and respect and enjoy me is only a person I try to be while hiding my actual intentions. I am open with my thoughts and I am rarely hesitant to be honest but I still feel that contrast
I've experienced symptoms of depression for as long as I can remember. Over the years I tried a lot of different treatments, medication, therapy, etc. None of it ever worked.
I lost a lot of jobs and friendships because I simply didn't have the energy to do the bare minimum. I divorced the love of my life in part because I could see how much my chronic illness was weighing on them.
I was never suicidal but I've frequently wished I was because that at least would provide me with an option to stop the unending apathy.
There's never going to be a point in my life when I'm not depressed. I'm gonna have to be very disciplined and work hard to maintain a level of functioning that I consider suboptimal. Mistakes made when trying to judge how much energy something will take or those unavoidable times where you simply need to push yourself more than is comfortable will be setback that could take days or weeks to recover from.
But I have reached a point in which I'm content a lot more. I have a partner that loves me and they're great. I'm a more-or-less reliable member of a local anarchist collective and people appreciate me and come to me for advice. They're respectful of my limitations. I've been reading more and trying new hobbies. There's people who love me and I love them.
I can look at a sunset and appreciate its beauty. Yesterday I was singing along with some punk rock while driving and kinda enjoyed it. I baked cookies to share with people and I look forward to handing them out. I found an empty snail shell on the street and it was pretty enough to make me smile.
Is my life amazing? No. Do I have to work very hard and be very disciplined to achieve what most people seem to have naturally? Yes. Have I reached the point where I think that work and discipline is worth it more often than not? Definitely.
The best advice I can give you is to do things anyway. Seek out things that are, at least in theory, fun or enjoyable. If there's something you'd like to try out but it feels scary or not worth doing, try do it anyway. Look for what makes it easier.
Imagine the coolest possible future version of yourself. Try to take small steps to move in that direction. For me that was things like painting my nails, going to Pride, joining a protested, learning to wield a sword... For my partner this was dying their hair, going out to party, learning to make fire... However it looks to you: try to do it.
First off, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I have been reading more. I never touched a book after high school but recently went back to reading. I love horror and thriller novels. I never thought a book could be scarier than a video game.
Do I have to work very hard and be very disciplined to achieve what most people seem to have naturally? Yes.
This was always something I struggled with.
I sometimes wonder If I had everything I ever wanted would I actually be happy? It's like Spock said "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but is often true." I think I'd still find something to be sad about.
Painting you nails is cool. I started doing that. I love the complements I've been getting. Making fire is fun too.
It's something I still struggle with. I'm getting better at accepting I'm tired almost all the time, but everything else I, much harder to accept.
I know fairness is irrelevant for this, but it just doesn't feel right that I have carefully plan my most meaningful activies because I'll be emotionless for two weeks if I do two protests in one week. Or that a date night could be ruined by an unexpected depressive period.
I sometimes wonder If I had everything I ever wanted would I actually be happy?
Happiness isn't about having things, I think. Of course being in a situation in which you have your needs met helps. Financial security, a partner, housing, food, friends, etc. make it way easier.
But most of the moments in which I was "happiest" weren't about "having" or the fulfilment of a specific desire. They were much more about experiencing community and feeling like I had agency.
Nobody is coming to save you. You have to save yourself.
Many people spend their entire lives waiting to be saved. Just like they piss away their money gambling and drinking and wondering why they are poor, rather than saving their money and building a nest egg.
Time heals all wounds. But you do have to stop picking at the scabs.
Get a gf. She says "good morning <3". You feel like shit, so let her know. "<3 you too. Rough start. Hope your day is going better." You might be surprised what you get back.
It's funny, there was another thread a while back about a girl who meets a guy and clicks. They hook up. She keeps trying to be sweet to him and he ghosts her. So she goes into her own depressive spiral because she assumes she's the one who isn't enough.
Other people have shitty days too. Other people are going through what you're going through. Other people will understand. Reach out, speak your truth, and if that chemistry you had at the beginning meant anything it'll mean they're sympathetic to your plight.
And then go do some fun shit together. FFS, it's a nice time to be alive. Get some sun, eat some food, suck in some fresh air, and hold hands. See if that doesn't put you in a better mood. Sometimes it really is just a bad start to a normal day.
I feel like I don't have much to offer a woman. I'm in my mid twenties and I can't drive a car, I have a crappy job, and I still live with my parents. I do want someone I can be honest and authentic with. I feel like what I can bring to a relationship isn't enough though.
I’m in my mid twenties and I can’t drive a car, I have a crappy job, and I still live with my parents.
Can you hold someone's hand while they rant about their shitty day? Can you pack a lunch, hail an Uber or find a bus for a day at the park, and rub someone's feet while you both sit in the sun? Can you carry a tune or tell a joke? Can you show up on time for a date?
You'd be surprised how many people can't. Lots of people have shitty jobs in their mid twenties. Lots of people still live with their parents because rent is so obscene. You're not alone.
I feel like what I can bring to a relationship isn’t enough though.
Meet other people. Show them a good time. Let them be the judge. Don't hang this on yourself beforehand
I can do all of those things. Have I been over thinking things? I'm told I'm a funny guy, I'm not even trying to be. I just say what i'm thinking and people either love that or hate it. Thank you!
Can you tell a joke? Treat women respectfully (not in a 'nice guy' way, in a general 'I'm not gonna say fucked up shit to her, and instead treat her like a normal human being')? Hold a conversation? Create a sense of comfort and fun times (fun does not have to cost much, you can get creative)?
This puts you miles ahead of some other guys with the right women. As a recently single guy, tentatively being open and flirty while watching the behaviours of others for comparison/research purposes, there's some real assholes out there, and apparently that's a pretty common experience for single women. The bar doesn't seem all that high these days, despite what certain corners of the internet would have you believe (and my god, algorithms get fucking weird for recently separated guys at least).
One thing I will say is that the aspects of your life that seem like liabilities in this post are changeable (with varying levels of effort), if you want to. Learning to drive is likely the lowest hanging fruit, which also gives you more options to try and improve the job situation and from there change your living situation.
It can get better homie. Just one foot in front of the other, in the direction you want to go.
Would you want a woman who's similar to you in what you can offer? If so, look for one. If not, wait. Regardless, work to resolve your sources of insecurity. Your crappy job is probably why you still live with your parents and times are tough, but pursue employment that allows for more independence. If a car is necessary and you can learn, start trying to learn. If not, develop comfort with your alternative transit options or look into trying to find a way to move somewhere where transit works for you. If none of that is possible, develop skills you think would make you a desirable partner. What do you want to offer?
It's so easy to find ourselves stuck in a hole in our lives and not understand that many of our problems are solvable. At the very least we can chip away at them.
Also the secret to people is that people like people who they feel good around. Especially people everyone feels good around. That guy who's fun, jovial, and everyone likes, he tends to have options romantically even if he's broke and not the best looking.
28 year old here, depressed since 14, nearly kms at 18 and then stayed suicidal till 26.
It do get better. I got a job, bought a house, got a gf, started practicing hobbies, socializing more and working on self discipline (But not self degradation)
Now instead of being consistently 2-3/10 I'm about 5.5/10. Still not a full blown optimist but I don't want to die anymore.
So... Depends. My whole life was just either being alone or in short relationships, one night stands and just fwb. I was quite happy with that, because i knew that i would lose interest almost immediately. I always felt bad for it, because it sucks, especially if the other person doesn't feel that way. Thanks to tinder and other shitty dating apps, it wasn't that big of a deal, because it's easier to find someone and communicate expectations and so on. I was convinced that i'll never have a "real" girlfriend. I was even convinced that love isn't real. I have never told a girl or woman that i love them, i thought other people would just fake love, because they found someone they like and rather have that than being alone.
So now, almost 6 months ago, i met this woman on tinder. She wasn't looking for anything serious, and neither was i. We hit it off immediately and we met up shortly after. I wasn't sure if she liked me, but she was really nice and funny and just absolutely stunning, and way too smart for me. But we met again and again. When we met for the third time, we were in bed and we talked for hours, and i asked her if she knew that i loved her. And she said she loves me too. She told me how she was never truly happy with anyone, and was always rather alone. But she loves me, and always wants to spend time with me. And i feel the same way. She's the first person i have ever met that i want to spend as much time with as i can. We plan on getting married, which if someone told me that 6 months ago, i would literally point and laugh at them for hours. The mere thought of getting married was bizarre to me, unthinkable. Only idiots do that. But here we are now.
Honestly? It depends. You can make it better, if you try or make it worse if you don't. This sounds like they were not "lonely" that was just something they could blame it on.
Go do something. It doesn't really matter what. Exercise, join a rpg group, join a maker space, move to a new city, change jobs, join a group about off roading. It doesn't matter, learn to cook, learn to bake. Just do something.
Laying in bed or staring at a monitor/TV won't help. Most people will get into a mental loop of how they are bad because they don't have any real comparisons of real people. You may make mistakes but you will see other people make mistakes too.
Regarding relationships I love the quote from Jimmy Carr (yes he has dark humor and often is offensive) "don't think what you can get, think what you can provide".
38 today, had depression since I was 8. Just last month we removed Massive Depressive, from my chart for the first time ever.
Lots of work. Removing people who are bad from me, adding in people who know how to love, and 6 years of weekly therapy. No meds for me, just introspection and.. therapy.
Yeah, but you gotta make it better. Develop goals and consistently work towards them. If life feels easy you're stagnating. If it's only hard because it sucks, you're stagnating. You should feel like you're pushing and exerting more than you want. That's not to say not resting, more understanding that it's really easy to feel you need to spend all time not dedicated to mandatory things needs spent on rest, and that just easily becomes years of stagnating on the couch.
Every day it gets a little easier… But you gotta do it every day — that’s the hard part. But it does get easier. - Jogging Baboon from BoJack Horseman
So goals. Do you feel lonely? Start looking for community and building social skills. I know I know nobody knows how to people. It's hard to learn. You're going to fuck up. Do it anyways. It gets easier, because you get better. And actually assess your failures and try to learn from them. You're building social skills like a muscle, but you're also learning them like a skill. Have small talk with strangers and coworkers, smile at new people. But there's no community! Have you looked? Look for things you're interested in. Board game nights are a goat for this if they interest you. You're sitting there chatting with new people and have something to focus on and talk about that isn't sensitive. Ttrpgs are also great. But any hobby will do. And you don't have to be skilled, you can just show up and say you're new to the thing. But if you can't find any you can start one. Put up flyers. Tell people nearby. You can just start shit. I ran an organization for over a year because I wanted it to exist in the area and it didn't so I just started holding meetings at a bar. (And yeah be prepared for people to not show up, that's ok, it takes time and you may not have properly gotten the word out, ask around)
Ok but what if you want your mental health to be better? Look into treatments for your issues. I have anxiety and cptsd. I got meds for the anxiety, but they were only part of the solution, because it wasn't just physical (it's also physical). I'd also developed unhealthy thought patterns. Learning to meditate and learning CBT techniques helped with both these issues. My wife likes acceptance therapy for her anxiety. I found that when I understand what the worst realistic scenario is for a situation I can work to cope with it and build a plan to resolve the situation rather than spiral into a panic attack and self harm about it. Regular exercise is also vital.
So yeah, it took a lot of work to go from a terrified and lonely closeted 19 year old who was at risk of failing out of college, was engaged in very disordered habits of all sorts, lived in filth, was deeply uncomfortable going to a grocery store much less a social event, and just generally was a wreck who went weeks without talking to people, to a 30 something married woman who still has plenty of issues, but they're largely under control, whose household is generally doing ok, who doesn't have panic attacks anymore, nor does she go 1 night a month too anxious to sleep (actually the insomnia is totally gone), and who was able to move across her country to a place she'd never been and only had one friend and within a year has a community and friends completely separate from the friend she already had (as well as integrating into that friend's local friends). If a loser like I once was can do it, I believe that most people can too.
Forcing your self to feel feelings that you think "are right" is a good way to guilt trip yourself into insanity. The reality is feelings are oscillatory, sometimes you love someone to bits, sometimes you are impartial to them, sometimes you want a bit of space. If one is overweighing the others in a way that you think contradicts your proximity to this person then it is time to have an adult conversation. But you can't judge your relation, yourself or the other person based on a single moment of feeling you had one morning.
The point is not to squish feelings that may look contradictory to your perceived relation with a person, the point is to finesse them, i.e live them without hurting the other person. ex, don't act like a dick when you want a bit of space (also don't be a dick when the other person does too).
Very well put! I'm always impressed with thoughtful writing that is fluid and natural to follow as a reader. Just curious, do you write a lot?
And on the actual topic, I'd add that observation of such feelings, and their relation to physical, mental, and social events and environment, is often an important starting point. I've been surprised myself at how much some pretty simple causality had been obscured by ad hoc constructions. For whatever reason, THC has been quite a tool for me to make those underlying foundations obvious.
We lost the cultural appreciation for selflessness and duty. Caring for loved ones is hard work at times. Stressful. Maybe even thankless at times. But it's incredibly fulfilling. That meaning is often worth more than the fleeting feeling of happiness we primarily seek out in the modern world. Giving to others is important for our psyche. Not in the abstract, like donating to a far-away charity, but in helping someone in your life. Children are a timeless way to find meaning in life. Yes it's hard work, but damn do they put everything into perspective. If you don't want kids, volunteer. Meet your neighbours and see if you can help them somehow. Pick up trash in your community. Run for local office.
Anon seeks meaning in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways.
It also won't fix the problem, and also make you realize that you've never felt true happiness before in your life. And then you further realize that you never will feel that way again without drugs. (Remember that the first time is always the strongest!)
It most definitely can. While obviously recreational use is a bit different than having MDMA/psilocybin/LSD-therapy (or ketamine, which is slightly more acceptable for some reason, but works in a different fashion psychoactively so not relevant here).
And then you further realize that you never will feel that way again without drugs.
Lol any other drug propaganda you heard in preschool you wish to share? I've done every single drug you can think of, never addicted to anything except maybe weed a bit (and when I was younger also cigarettes and caffeine), and I've never felt anything even close as powerful as when you properly get infatuated. Because that is honestly a very strong cocktail of hormones and the difference between hormones and neurotransmitters is quite small, some acting as both.
Remember that the first time is always the strongest!)
Also incorrect. Was you first time tasting coffee the strongest caffeine rush you've had, or was it a bit later when you'd got used to it and could binge? Same with alcohol. Except that with serotonergic substances, you don't do that.
One single use can alleviate severely depression on terminally ill patients for months. Literally. That's not those people being high or having some false sense of happiness.
If you want me to get more objective about how it works and why I suggest it to OP, then here. Think of your emotional memory being associative memory, like smells are. You can probably remember what your first gf/bf smelled like, at least vaguely, but if you actually had the taste in front of your nose, it would unlock just tons of visceral memories. Now you had those memories even before having the scent in your nose, but they were sort of "locked" behind the associated trigger. It's not about what is a trigger and what is not, but the general associative nature of it. When you do a serotonergic substance for a sufficient dose, it floods your head with all sorts of those triggers, but the ones that have to do with serotonin, ie good feelings of unity etc orrr on the flipside high anxiety (that's why MDMA with a therapist is preferred to shrooms by yourself, so it actually goes the pleasant route and you don't get a serotonin induced panic response, ie a "bad trip"). And since your brain is flooded, it also unlocks a lot of memories of happy times and contentedness, which in depression just sort of "fade away" because you haven't felt them in a long time and depression is a feedback loop.
Thats why you need a powerful substance to break the loop.
So unlike psychiatrist have been pushing for like 30 years, serotonin reuptake inhibitors (prozac, cipralex, escitalopram, etc) don't actually function well, despite there being a little bit of an idea behind it (as in a correctly identified system, serotonin). The problem is that low dose over a long time won't help, high dose over a short time will. Kinda like setting something on fire. A slightly warm electric battery won't help no matter how long you keep dry grass on it.
Shit analogy at the end but the theories hold true.
I can find more detailed sources but I'm kinda tired and wrote all that already so leave your questions/doubts under this akd I'll adress them tomorrow if you can't find it on this basic wiki which I didn't read currently I've just read a lot over the years and can't be arsed to try and look for specific references rn
It can also force you to confront your issues rather than just staring at them cowering. Every acid trip I've had has included about an hour of my brain sitting me down and going "ok, real talk Cap, here's something you've been up to that's hurting you and/or others." It also forced me to really confront the feelings I'd been strong in the face of. It also forces you to rethink and reevaluate situations. And all that was semi recreational
I should mention that I speak from experience. I am not anti-drug, quite the opposite in fact. I'm just realistic about it, so the novel was completely unnecessary. I have ADHD so I'm not going to read all of that anyway. You just wasted your time thanks to some assumptions you made about me.
Don't use ADHD as an excuse to not read a comment. Just be an adult and say "Yeah, I don't care to read that." And choose to end the conversation by not listening to others. Passive excuse is so lame.
It also depends a lot on how you did and what and in what sort of an environment and with what sort of company.
These experiences are highly subjective and I don't deny that often mushrooms cause nausea for instance. LSD and MDMA less so, but it's not unheard of.
They're not perfect, but there's very much is science behind my point.
I believe enjoying these things needs the kind of environment that had it been available, you simply wouldn't need narcotics to enjoy yourself in the first place.
LSD, shrooms and MDMA are a specific groups of drugs. Just like narcotics are. But they aren't the same group. Opiates, benzos, etc "downers" are narcotics if we're being technical.
Tell me, how long have you suffered from treatment resistant severe clinical depression? Oh you haven't? Ah. But you're just saying those people would be just as well off without said medication?
Mind you, I don't think you complain when people have a drink or two to relax.
Huh, bottom three, the least dangerous ones. Which are those?
Or you grow and mature and find someone new who you won't do that with. I'm not some unique freak in having multiple ones who got away who could've been a great lifelong partner and also an amazing lifelong partner who didn't get away.
Honestly, they might not be so compatible, and she might be thinking the same thing, just she is still doing the social script you usually do on dates.
I've only been with 2 people so far, and this is how it ended up as well. Only I am also doing the social script too.
Also socially, it is really nice to have a partner you are dating in public, let alone a cute/hot one. Felt like the center of the room everywhere I went.
My advice to anon is to continue for at least another date or 2 and see what happens. If you get the spark again or really like her company anyway, then there is no need to breakup. If you start to not feel comparable, then move on, because she likely feels the same, since it's only been 3 days.
Also, anon needs to know the difference between love and infatuation, because he was probably feeling more infatuation (which is fine).
107 Comments
wizardbeard@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 208 pts · 163d
Depression a motherfucker
Nurse_Robot@lemmy.world · 49 pts · 163d
Truly. Hopefully this post judges people towards treatment; people want you, they want you to be better, they want to share their love with you.
Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world · 36 pts · 163d
Me: terminally paranoid
Uhhhhhh, people want to share their love with me??? No. That sounds suspicious as hell. It's a trap. What's their endgame? I know they aren't after me lucky charms, because that cereal is disgusting, so I never buy it.
Still......these "people" sound demented in the head.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 161d
Yeah I struggle with that. The answer is cbt and using it to develop a secure attachment style instead of an anxious one.
666dollarfootlong@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 162d
I have a friend who is depressed but I sadly feel like I can't say or do anything to help, even his meds don't seem to help much
SargonOfACAB@slrpnk.net · 19 pts · 162d
As someone who has treatment-resistant depression: keep inviting your friend. Keep asking them for help when it makes sense to do so. Even if they cancel a lot or are quiet when they do show up. That's helping a lot.
People need community.
Stern@lemmy.world · 90 pts · 162d
man who needs therapy discovers he may need therapy
drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world · 27 pts · 162d
Then discovers he can't afford therapy
bearboiblake@pawb.social · 18 pts · 162d
just so you know, it's a lot more affordable than you might think, and many therapists offer reduced rates for people on low incomes
musubibreakfast@lemmy.world · 15 pts · 162d
The best therapy is to just go in the forest and fight a bear. It'll put some hair on your chest and it'll put things in perspective.
bearboiblake@pawb.social · 17 pts · 162d
I doubt fighting a bear would have helped me overcome my trauma from being abused as a kid tbh
musubibreakfast@lemmy.world · 19 pts · 162d
I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm glad you found the support and care that you needed now please go fight a bear.
drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 162d
I don't know. Ever win a fight? I felt like the gorilla god king of the block for like a week after beating up someone who attacked me. It was better then cocaine
Madzielle@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 5 pts · 162d
you can do both
fossilesque@mander.xyz · 83 pts · 163d
Phoenix3875@lemmy.world · 33 pts · 162d
anon rediscovers stoicism
Rusty@lemmy.ca · 19 pts · 162d
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 161d
fossilesque@mander.xyz · -6 pts · 162d
stingpie@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 162d
According to Wikipedia, the bhagavad gita was written around 200 BC, whereas stoicism originated in 400 BC. Admittedly, this was just the result of some very cursory research, the Buddhist philosophy could go back further than the writing itself, but it seems to me like they independently arise around the same time (that being around 200 years difference, lol) but you really need to be careful saying stuff like that. I've made the same mistake dozens of times where I confidently state something, only for it to be disproven by a minute of googling.
fossilesque@mander.xyz · 2 pts · 162d
5715@feddit.org · 28 pts · 163d
I disagree. Zero expectations leads to rotting if you're down already. As I understand it, zero expectations almost equals zero trust.
TheTechnician27@lemmy.world · 26 pts · 163d
"Expectations" are different from "goals". One of the easiest paths to chronic unhappiness is to treat happiness as an expectation.
MalReynolds@slrpnk.net · 10 pts · 163d
Happiness is fundamentally transitory and unsuitable for a goal, although setting up the circumstances for it to occur regularly isn't a bad idea. Being at peace, satisfied, not bored, and others relevant to you are much more consistent and achievable, and you only need to rely on yourself to do so (happiness is often circumstantial).
TheTechnician27@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 162d
Oh, yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to imply "don't treat happiness as an expectation; treat it as a goal!", because like you said, it's fundamentally incompatible with what a goal is. I like to consider the SMART criteria, and even though it fails all of them (except 'T' if you insist you have a deadline to be happy), it fails 'A' the hardest, because a goal as such is literally defined by how it's oriented toward taking an action. Even if you think your goal is "I will be happy by doing X today", then – as long as you think you can do X and have a plan – what you actually have is the goal "I will do X today" with the faulty, tacked-on expectation of "and that will make me feel happy".
5715@feddit.org · 4 pts · 162d
Call me pedantic, but that's not zero expectations. I 100% agree on the happiness expectations to depression pipeline, but zero expectations to me is expecting a ROI of 0, that is expecting any effort to be wasteful.
reallykindasorta@slrpnk.net · 2 pts · 162d
expectations / reality
untorquer@quokk.au · 17 pts · 162d
Lonliness is a significant driver of depression in modern society. Finding community and relationships can absolutely help. In fact friends and partners are generally the first people we need to talk to about our feelings.
lessthanluigi@lemmy.sdf.org · 10 pts · 162d
Honestly, having good friends is super important, especially friends that you can have fun with on a compatible level. I have had over half a decade with no friends that I could do anything fun with, More like situationfriendships. Luckily I now have a friend that I can have consistent fun with, and we both have never felt better. Fun is so important in life, especially with other people.
untorquer@quokk.au · 6 pts · 162d
Its rare to find a friend who will try new things. Super great to just say, "lets do this thing!" and them to emphatically agree 😁 I used to have no choice but to do those things alone.
RepleteLocum@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 162d
So, how do I find them? I'm not in school and it's not like I live in a capital city. I also want to keep my privacy so online services asking for pictures and full names is a no go too. Finding friends online is hard too, since I don't use discord or the other mainstream apps. Not to mention my social and general anxiety.
lessthanluigi@lemmy.sdf.org · 3 pts · 162d
I guess how I found my friend was really complicated and a bit of an adventure. But what I would do was go to a local casual sporting event (street dodgeball) in my city, albeit sketchy but cool. Didn't even have to talk. I also had really bad social anxiety. Being able to talk to homeless people on a regular basis for me made it a lot easier to talk to people who make 6 figures.
I would say if you can find a card/tabletop game shop that you can hangout there for free would be a good place. In a place like that, a lot of people are in the same boat. Pushing through the entry barrier is the hardest part, and it does not always work out. But when it does work, then you can carry on from there. Also see if the shop has some events you can attend. (I'm also a paranoid person, to the point that I think the store music is trying to get me)
Maybe also look for local sporting events. It doesn't even have to be super intense or clean or dirty.
What helped my social anxiety is my friend said that muggers look for people who don't look people in the eye or have confidence or smile. So, when I walk by people, I look them in the eye and smile. So now instead of feeling powerless and a social outcast, now I get to see them as wrong and muggable. You will have to power through it first. And then you will eventually get a person smiling back, or even starting a conversation. You'll be suprised how different other people are and how they think of the world.
Anyway, thank you for coming to my TedEx Talk!
Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 163d
Nope. Can't agree with you. I don't understand life, so I never know what to expect. Everyday I wake up and wonder what fresh new hell will await me in the headlines of the news, as the president continues to amaze me, and leave me in awe in all the new and creative ways he finds to globally embarass our whole country, and bring with it a new form of torture for all it's citizens.
The REAL secret to happyness is to have your butthole licked while riding a jetski, and eating an ice cream sunday.
Agent641@lemmy.world · 61 pts · 162d
Anon has threat-sensitive anxiety.
The message is an unexpected intrusion, with right answers and wrong answers but it's not clear which is which. "Morning beautiful! 😍 💕" Is insincere because anon doesnt feel that cheerful, and anon lacks confidence in his ability to be convincingly insincere, as well as feeling like a fraud for having to pretend to be happy, AND is acutely reminded of his inability to be happy. "Morning" is muted and emotionless, bound to be inadequate, possibly signalling anger or discontent. "👍 " Is definitely a no-go, probably. Non-response is also just kicking the can down the road, eventually he has to respond, AND come up with an excuse why he took so long.
Anon has just woken up and immediately needs to deal with a scenario that his threat-model doesn't cover, and where a wrong answer will have real-world consequences, possibly derailing his whole day and impacting his relationship over the longer term.
Anon is exhausted from the constant wargaming with all the minutiae of life.
Hoimo@ani.social · 11 pts · 162d
I'm saving this for when someone sends me a friendly message and I don't know how to respond. It will probably derail my relationship, but at least they know what happened.
village604@adultswim.fan · 5 pts · 162d
It could also just be good ol dysthymia. That's what I have and I feel OPs mood.
ICastFist@programming.dev · 54 pts · 162d
Fake: anon got a gf
Gay: anon is broken and lonely because he doesn't have a bf
Joking aside, a lot of these feelings come from childhood problems, whether we understand the triggers or not. It sucks because stuff that happens then carries over for the rest of our lives and it gets progressively harder to fix the older you get. People like this are the symptoms of a not quite functional family. Such families are the symptom of a broken, diseased society.
_lilith@lemmy.world · 40 pts · 163d
you gotta touch the butt that's the trick
WizardofFrobozz@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 162d
I dare you to touch the buttttt
AlexLost@lemmy.world · 34 pts · 162d
A partner won't fix you, or at least you shouldn't expect them to. A partner is there to support you in good times and bad. A crutch to lean on when you need it. Someone to comfort you when you need it. They aren't some magic tool to correct issues you might have.
Demdaru@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 161d
However partner can be a driving force for you to start fighting for yourself - an external motivation. And partner can offer a boost to perceived self worth. Enough to enable you to try to fight for yourself.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 161d
A partner can also the source of your misery and separating yourself from them can finally allow you to respect yourself.
Demdaru@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 161d
I wanted to argue. I really did. I hate it and I don't want to connect partner as a word to abusive fucks you mention. But I cannot as they are included. Have an updoot and know you ruined my day ;-;
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 161d
haha, it gets worse. you can have a partner who was wonderful and morphs into an abusive horrible person over time, because they become unhappy with their life and you become their punching bag.
GreenBeanMachine@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 161d
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 161d
Plenty of people don't have partners or friends and aren't lonely.
And plenty of people do have partners and friends, and are still incredibly lonely.
It's about what is going on on the inside.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 161d
Loneliness rarely appears alone without life events causing it. A generally healthy person will experience loneliness then seek out new people. If they keep failing that may cause other issues to appear. A person who's lonely and doesn't do that is likely experiencing other issues like depression, trauma, alienation from life, or something else.
Close relationships are a vital piece. Though I'll say friendships and general community are a much better place to start than relationships. But yeah, lonely people should also be checking in on other issues and not assuming having others will solve their problems.
interdimensional_sharts@lemmy.world · 28 pts · 162d
Yeah I’m not sure what to tell yall, but happiness comes from within. If you attach it to mental formations (i.e. “The only way I can be happy is with a boyfriend/girlfriend”), then you’re gonna have a bad time.
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world · 26 pts · 162d
In my experience, having a constant companion has a positive feedback loop. People you can continuously interact with - joking, catching up, eating together, helping one another out, just Netflix'n'Chilling... it's reaffirming.
But it is a loop. You don't just wake up happy forever. There's ups and downs. There's psychical and emotional adjustments. You're not immune to despair. You just have someone you can be glum around who - ideally - fills you in on the lows and rides with you for the highs.
If you've got a bunch of mental baggage going into a relationship, your partner (ideally) helps you unpack that shit and dispose of it. Or, at least, shows you their own baggage, so you know you're not alone. It doesn't just go away instantly, but over time you can put it behind you precisely because you've got someone else in your life affirming your own worth.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 161d
I agree with all that, but I'll also say that getting started fixing your issues first is a hugely valuable thing. If you haven't it's so easy to think love will solve all your problems while not even having the tools to deal with your own emotions and baggage.
You need people, we all do, and we deteriorate rapidly without people. But romantic relationships are really easy to screw up by being emotionally unhealthy
Shayeta@feddit.org · 5 pts · 161d
Happiness and unhappiness come from both internal and external sources. The problem is making yourself RELIANT on the external.
lightnsfw@reddthat.com · 2 pts · 162d
Idk, I've never been happier than the six months I was dating this girl who's sex drive was almost as high as mine. Never been able to get there on my own and the other aspects of my life have been way better since then. Sadly her mental health was a mess and that relationship didn't last.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 0 pts · 161d
You'd also be 'happy' if you did cocaine for those six months. You are confusing getting high from dopamine hits with happiness.
lightnsfw@reddthat.com · 1 pts · 161d
All happiness is just dopamine hits. It's all stimulus and chemicals regardless of what's triggering it.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 0 pts · 161d
No, it's not. Happiness is the action of self regulation. Happiness is choosing broccoli over a cookie because you know it is better for you. And then later choosing to have the cookie after you've had proper good food.
Someone tied up to a machine being dosed by chemicals to 'feel happy' would not be happy. Just like drug addicts, and other addicts, who are constantly chasing highs, are not happy people. They are fucking miserable, forever chasing and defining their entire life by those dopamine hits.
What you are describing is how children are. They would choose the cookie every time, eat cookies all day, get sick and throw up, and then get angry and sullen about it and still do it all over again. Because they have no ability to regulate, they just act in a state of pure dopamine seeking.
lightnsfw@reddthat.com · -1 pts · 161d
So we're just making up what words mean now?
daggermoon@piefed.world · 26 pts · 162d
Dear, older people of Lemmy, does it ever get better?
WizardofFrobozz@lemmy.ca · 34 pts · 162d
It does. Unfortunately, it requires a great deal of honest introspection and tough decisions.
Augmented1207@feddit.org · 1 pts · 101d
I struggle go see beyond my unconsciousness pishing back and hindering me to reflect in a neutral way. I feel like I am stuck with my own image of myself without a possibility to see the actual me if that makes sense, so I feel like I'm not capable to be and feel myself? Like, in my mind the way people perceive me and respect and enjoy me is only a person I try to be while hiding my actual intentions. I am open with my thoughts and I am rarely hesitant to be honest but I still feel that contrast
SargonOfACAB@slrpnk.net · 30 pts · 162d
It does.
I've experienced symptoms of depression for as long as I can remember. Over the years I tried a lot of different treatments, medication, therapy, etc. None of it ever worked.
I lost a lot of jobs and friendships because I simply didn't have the energy to do the bare minimum. I divorced the love of my life in part because I could see how much my chronic illness was weighing on them.
I was never suicidal but I've frequently wished I was because that at least would provide me with an option to stop the unending apathy.
There's never going to be a point in my life when I'm not depressed. I'm gonna have to be very disciplined and work hard to maintain a level of functioning that I consider suboptimal. Mistakes made when trying to judge how much energy something will take or those unavoidable times where you simply need to push yourself more than is comfortable will be setback that could take days or weeks to recover from.
But I have reached a point in which I'm content a lot more. I have a partner that loves me and they're great. I'm a more-or-less reliable member of a local anarchist collective and people appreciate me and come to me for advice. They're respectful of my limitations. I've been reading more and trying new hobbies. There's people who love me and I love them.
I can look at a sunset and appreciate its beauty. Yesterday I was singing along with some punk rock while driving and kinda enjoyed it. I baked cookies to share with people and I look forward to handing them out. I found an empty snail shell on the street and it was pretty enough to make me smile.
Is my life amazing? No. Do I have to work very hard and be very disciplined to achieve what most people seem to have naturally? Yes. Have I reached the point where I think that work and discipline is worth it more often than not? Definitely.
The best advice I can give you is to do things anyway. Seek out things that are, at least in theory, fun or enjoyable. If there's something you'd like to try out but it feels scary or not worth doing, try do it anyway. Look for what makes it easier.
Imagine the coolest possible future version of yourself. Try to take small steps to move in that direction. For me that was things like painting my nails, going to Pride, joining a protested, learning to wield a sword... For my partner this was dying their hair, going out to party, learning to make fire... However it looks to you: try to do it.
daggermoon@piefed.world · 8 pts · 162d
First off, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I have been reading more. I never touched a book after high school but recently went back to reading. I love horror and thriller novels. I never thought a book could be scarier than a video game.
This was always something I struggled with.
I sometimes wonder If I had everything I ever wanted would I actually be happy? It's like Spock said "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but is often true." I think I'd still find something to be sad about.
Painting you nails is cool. I started doing that. I love the complements I've been getting. Making fire is fun too.
SargonOfACAB@slrpnk.net · 2 pts · 162d
It's something I still struggle with. I'm getting better at accepting I'm tired almost all the time, but everything else I, much harder to accept.
I know fairness is irrelevant for this, but it just doesn't feel right that I have carefully plan my most meaningful activies because I'll be emotionless for two weeks if I do two protests in one week. Or that a date night could be ruined by an unexpected depressive period.
Happiness isn't about having things, I think. Of course being in a situation in which you have your needs met helps. Financial security, a partner, housing, food, friends, etc. make it way easier.
But most of the moments in which I was "happiest" weren't about "having" or the fulfilment of a specific desire. They were much more about experiencing community and feeling like I had agency.
FriskyDingo@sh.itjust.works · 15 pts · 162d
It does. But you have to put in the work. You have to try.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 162d
Nothing gets better until you make it better.
Nobody is coming to save you. You have to save yourself.
Many people spend their entire lives waiting to be saved. Just like they piss away their money gambling and drinking and wondering why they are poor, rather than saving their money and building a nest egg.
Stop waiting, start taking charge of your life.
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 162d
Time heals all wounds. But you do have to stop picking at the scabs.
Get a gf. She says "good morning <3". You feel like shit, so let her know. "<3 you too. Rough start. Hope your day is going better." You might be surprised what you get back.
It's funny, there was another thread a while back about a girl who meets a guy and clicks. They hook up. She keeps trying to be sweet to him and he ghosts her. So she goes into her own depressive spiral because she assumes she's the one who isn't enough.
Other people have shitty days too. Other people are going through what you're going through. Other people will understand. Reach out, speak your truth, and if that chemistry you had at the beginning meant anything it'll mean they're sympathetic to your plight.
And then go do some fun shit together. FFS, it's a nice time to be alive. Get some sun, eat some food, suck in some fresh air, and hold hands. See if that doesn't put you in a better mood. Sometimes it really is just a bad start to a normal day.
daggermoon@piefed.world · 3 pts · 161d
I feel like I don't have much to offer a woman. I'm in my mid twenties and I can't drive a car, I have a crappy job, and I still live with my parents. I do want someone I can be honest and authentic with. I feel like what I can bring to a relationship isn't enough though.
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 161d
Can you hold someone's hand while they rant about their shitty day? Can you pack a lunch, hail an Uber or find a bus for a day at the park, and rub someone's feet while you both sit in the sun? Can you carry a tune or tell a joke? Can you show up on time for a date?
You'd be surprised how many people can't. Lots of people have shitty jobs in their mid twenties. Lots of people still live with their parents because rent is so obscene. You're not alone.
Meet other people. Show them a good time. Let them be the judge. Don't hang this on yourself beforehand
daggermoon@piefed.world · 2 pts · 160d
I can do all of those things. Have I been over thinking things? I'm told I'm a funny guy, I'm not even trying to be. I just say what i'm thinking and people either love that or hate it. Thank you!
Cracks_InTheWalls@sh.itjust.works · 3 pts · 161d
Can you tell a joke? Treat women respectfully (not in a 'nice guy' way, in a general 'I'm not gonna say fucked up shit to her, and instead treat her like a normal human being')? Hold a conversation? Create a sense of comfort and fun times (fun does not have to cost much, you can get creative)?
This puts you miles ahead of some other guys with the right women. As a recently single guy, tentatively being open and flirty while watching the behaviours of others for comparison/research purposes, there's some real assholes out there, and apparently that's a pretty common experience for single women. The bar doesn't seem all that high these days, despite what certain corners of the internet would have you believe (and my god, algorithms get fucking weird for recently separated guys at least).
One thing I will say is that the aspects of your life that seem like liabilities in this post are changeable (with varying levels of effort), if you want to. Learning to drive is likely the lowest hanging fruit, which also gives you more options to try and improve the job situation and from there change your living situation.
It can get better homie. Just one foot in front of the other, in the direction you want to go.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 161d
Would you want a woman who's similar to you in what you can offer? If so, look for one. If not, wait. Regardless, work to resolve your sources of insecurity. Your crappy job is probably why you still live with your parents and times are tough, but pursue employment that allows for more independence. If a car is necessary and you can learn, start trying to learn. If not, develop comfort with your alternative transit options or look into trying to find a way to move somewhere where transit works for you. If none of that is possible, develop skills you think would make you a desirable partner. What do you want to offer?
It's so easy to find ourselves stuck in a hole in our lives and not understand that many of our problems are solvable. At the very least we can chip away at them.
Also the secret to people is that people like people who they feel good around. Especially people everyone feels good around. That guy who's fun, jovial, and everyone likes, he tends to have options romantically even if he's broke and not the best looking.
taygaloocat@leminal.space · 7 pts · 162d
28 year old here, depressed since 14, nearly kms at 18 and then stayed suicidal till 26.
It do get better. I got a job, bought a house, got a gf, started practicing hobbies, socializing more and working on self discipline (But not self degradation)
Now instead of being consistently 2-3/10 I'm about 5.5/10. Still not a full blown optimist but I don't want to die anymore.
FatVegan@leminal.space · 4 pts · 162d
So... Depends. My whole life was just either being alone or in short relationships, one night stands and just fwb. I was quite happy with that, because i knew that i would lose interest almost immediately. I always felt bad for it, because it sucks, especially if the other person doesn't feel that way. Thanks to tinder and other shitty dating apps, it wasn't that big of a deal, because it's easier to find someone and communicate expectations and so on. I was convinced that i'll never have a "real" girlfriend. I was even convinced that love isn't real. I have never told a girl or woman that i love them, i thought other people would just fake love, because they found someone they like and rather have that than being alone.
So now, almost 6 months ago, i met this woman on tinder. She wasn't looking for anything serious, and neither was i. We hit it off immediately and we met up shortly after. I wasn't sure if she liked me, but she was really nice and funny and just absolutely stunning, and way too smart for me. But we met again and again. When we met for the third time, we were in bed and we talked for hours, and i asked her if she knew that i loved her. And she said she loves me too. She told me how she was never truly happy with anyone, and was always rather alone. But she loves me, and always wants to spend time with me. And i feel the same way. She's the first person i have ever met that i want to spend as much time with as i can. We plan on getting married, which if someone told me that 6 months ago, i would literally point and laugh at them for hours. The mere thought of getting married was bizarre to me, unthinkable. Only idiots do that. But here we are now.
vrek@programming.dev · 4 pts · 162d
Honestly? It depends. You can make it better, if you try or make it worse if you don't. This sounds like they were not "lonely" that was just something they could blame it on.
Go do something. It doesn't really matter what. Exercise, join a rpg group, join a maker space, move to a new city, change jobs, join a group about off roading. It doesn't matter, learn to cook, learn to bake. Just do something.
Laying in bed or staring at a monitor/TV won't help. Most people will get into a mental loop of how they are bad because they don't have any real comparisons of real people. You may make mistakes but you will see other people make mistakes too.
Regarding relationships I love the quote from Jimmy Carr (yes he has dark humor and often is offensive) "don't think what you can get, think what you can provide".
Madzielle@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 4 pts · 162d
For me it did.
38 today, had depression since I was 8. Just last month we removed Massive Depressive, from my chart for the first time ever.
Lots of work. Removing people who are bad from me, adding in people who know how to love, and 6 years of weekly therapy. No meds for me, just introspection and.. therapy.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 161d
Yeah, but you gotta make it better. Develop goals and consistently work towards them. If life feels easy you're stagnating. If it's only hard because it sucks, you're stagnating. You should feel like you're pushing and exerting more than you want. That's not to say not resting, more understanding that it's really easy to feel you need to spend all time not dedicated to mandatory things needs spent on rest, and that just easily becomes years of stagnating on the couch.
So goals. Do you feel lonely? Start looking for community and building social skills. I know I know nobody knows how to people. It's hard to learn. You're going to fuck up. Do it anyways. It gets easier, because you get better. And actually assess your failures and try to learn from them. You're building social skills like a muscle, but you're also learning them like a skill. Have small talk with strangers and coworkers, smile at new people. But there's no community! Have you looked? Look for things you're interested in. Board game nights are a goat for this if they interest you. You're sitting there chatting with new people and have something to focus on and talk about that isn't sensitive. Ttrpgs are also great. But any hobby will do. And you don't have to be skilled, you can just show up and say you're new to the thing. But if you can't find any you can start one. Put up flyers. Tell people nearby. You can just start shit. I ran an organization for over a year because I wanted it to exist in the area and it didn't so I just started holding meetings at a bar. (And yeah be prepared for people to not show up, that's ok, it takes time and you may not have properly gotten the word out, ask around)
Ok but what if you want your mental health to be better? Look into treatments for your issues. I have anxiety and cptsd. I got meds for the anxiety, but they were only part of the solution, because it wasn't just physical (it's also physical). I'd also developed unhealthy thought patterns. Learning to meditate and learning CBT techniques helped with both these issues. My wife likes acceptance therapy for her anxiety. I found that when I understand what the worst realistic scenario is for a situation I can work to cope with it and build a plan to resolve the situation rather than spiral into a panic attack and self harm about it. Regular exercise is also vital.
So yeah, it took a lot of work to go from a terrified and lonely closeted 19 year old who was at risk of failing out of college, was engaged in very disordered habits of all sorts, lived in filth, was deeply uncomfortable going to a grocery store much less a social event, and just generally was a wreck who went weeks without talking to people, to a 30 something married woman who still has plenty of issues, but they're largely under control, whose household is generally doing ok, who doesn't have panic attacks anymore, nor does she go 1 night a month too anxious to sleep (actually the insomnia is totally gone), and who was able to move across her country to a place she'd never been and only had one friend and within a year has a community and friends completely separate from the friend she already had (as well as integrating into that friend's local friends). If a loser like I once was can do it, I believe that most people can too.
balian@lemmy.libertarianfellowship.org · 2 pts · 159d
Yes it does, but you need to want that first. Many people turn their misery into a comfort zone and refuse to move out of it.
PhoenixDog@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 162d
drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 162d
Nope.
frostysauce@lemmy.world · -1 pts · 162d
Middle aged here. It does not.
Etterra@discuss.online · 25 pts · 162d
Dude needs therapy.
Zoomboingding@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 162d
He's a nut! Crazy in the coconut!
Kinokoloko@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 8 pts · 162d
What does that mean?
Zoomboingding@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 162d
He was white as a sheet, and he also made false teeth
Avicenna@programming.dev · 25 pts · 161d
Forcing your self to feel feelings that you think "are right" is a good way to guilt trip yourself into insanity. The reality is feelings are oscillatory, sometimes you love someone to bits, sometimes you are impartial to them, sometimes you want a bit of space. If one is overweighing the others in a way that you think contradicts your proximity to this person then it is time to have an adult conversation. But you can't judge your relation, yourself or the other person based on a single moment of feeling you had one morning.
The point is not to squish feelings that may look contradictory to your perceived relation with a person, the point is to finesse them, i.e live them without hurting the other person. ex, don't act like a dick when you want a bit of space (also don't be a dick when the other person does too).
reptar@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 161d
Very well put! I'm always impressed with thoughtful writing that is fluid and natural to follow as a reader. Just curious, do you write a lot?
And on the actual topic, I'd add that observation of such feelings, and their relation to physical, mental, and social events and environment, is often an important starting point. I've been surprised myself at how much some pretty simple causality had been obscured by ad hoc constructions. For whatever reason, THC has been quite a tool for me to make those underlying foundations obvious.
Avicenna@programming.dev · 3 pts · 161d
Thanks and no I am not much of a writer but this just turns out to be one particular topic that I thought alot about.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 161d
The point is to regulate and control your feelings. Not let them control you.
jdr@lemmy.ml · 15 pts · 163d
It do be like that lol
JasSmith@sh.itjust.works · 12 pts · 162d
We lost the cultural appreciation for selflessness and duty. Caring for loved ones is hard work at times. Stressful. Maybe even thankless at times. But it's incredibly fulfilling. That meaning is often worth more than the fleeting feeling of happiness we primarily seek out in the modern world. Giving to others is important for our psyche. Not in the abstract, like donating to a far-away charity, but in helping someone in your life. Children are a timeless way to find meaning in life. Yes it's hard work, but damn do they put everything into perspective. If you don't want kids, volunteer. Meet your neighbours and see if you can help them somehow. Pick up trash in your community. Run for local office.
Anon seeks meaning in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways.
Dasus@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 162d
Trying doing some ecstasy/mushrooms/LSD
(It won't necessarily fix you not having a gf, just to be clear)
Psythik@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 162d
It also won't fix the problem, and also make you realize that you've never felt true happiness before in your life. And then you further realize that you never will feel that way again without drugs. (Remember that the first time is always the strongest!)
Dasus@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 162d
It most definitely can. While obviously recreational use is a bit different than having MDMA/psilocybin/LSD-therapy (or ketamine, which is slightly more acceptable for some reason, but works in a different fashion psychoactively so not relevant here).
Lol any other drug propaganda you heard in preschool you wish to share? I've done every single drug you can think of, never addicted to anything except maybe weed a bit (and when I was younger also cigarettes and caffeine), and I've never felt anything even close as powerful as when you properly get infatuated. Because that is honestly a very strong cocktail of hormones and the difference between hormones and neurotransmitters is quite small, some acting as both.
Also incorrect. Was you first time tasting coffee the strongest caffeine rush you've had, or was it a bit later when you'd got used to it and could binge? Same with alcohol. Except that with serotonergic substances, you don't do that.
One single use can alleviate severely depression on terminally ill patients for months. Literally. That's not those people being high or having some false sense of happiness.
If you want me to get more objective about how it works and why I suggest it to OP, then here. Think of your emotional memory being associative memory, like smells are. You can probably remember what your first gf/bf smelled like, at least vaguely, but if you actually had the taste in front of your nose, it would unlock just tons of visceral memories. Now you had those memories even before having the scent in your nose, but they were sort of "locked" behind the associated trigger. It's not about what is a trigger and what is not, but the general associative nature of it. When you do a serotonergic substance for a sufficient dose, it floods your head with all sorts of those triggers, but the ones that have to do with serotonin, ie good feelings of unity etc orrr on the flipside high anxiety (that's why MDMA with a therapist is preferred to shrooms by yourself, so it actually goes the pleasant route and you don't get a serotonin induced panic response, ie a "bad trip"). And since your brain is flooded, it also unlocks a lot of memories of happy times and contentedness, which in depression just sort of "fade away" because you haven't felt them in a long time and depression is a feedback loop.
Thats why you need a powerful substance to break the loop.
So unlike psychiatrist have been pushing for like 30 years, serotonin reuptake inhibitors (prozac, cipralex, escitalopram, etc) don't actually function well, despite there being a little bit of an idea behind it (as in a correctly identified system, serotonin). The problem is that low dose over a long time won't help, high dose over a short time will. Kinda like setting something on fire. A slightly warm electric battery won't help no matter how long you keep dry grass on it.
Shit analogy at the end but the theories hold true.
I can find more detailed sources but I'm kinda tired and wrote all that already so leave your questions/doubts under this akd I'll adress them tomorrow if you can't find it on this basic wiki which I didn't read currently I've just read a lot over the years and can't be arsed to try and look for specific references rn
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychedelic_therapy
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 161d
It can also force you to confront your issues rather than just staring at them cowering. Every acid trip I've had has included about an hour of my brain sitting me down and going "ok, real talk Cap, here's something you've been up to that's hurting you and/or others." It also forced me to really confront the feelings I'd been strong in the face of. It also forces you to rethink and reevaluate situations. And all that was semi recreational
Psythik@lemmy.world · -8 pts · 162d
I should mention that I speak from experience. I am not anti-drug, quite the opposite in fact. I'm just realistic about it, so the novel was completely unnecessary. I have ADHD so I'm not going to read all of that anyway. You just wasted your time thanks to some assumptions you made about me.
Krauerking@lemy.lol · 2 pts · 161d
Don't use ADHD as an excuse to not read a comment. Just be an adult and say "Yeah, I don't care to read that." And choose to end the conversation by not listening to others. Passive excuse is so lame.
GreenBeanMachine@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 161d
balian@lemmy.libertarianfellowship.org · 1 pts · 159d
Tried, doesn't work. Just makes you feel sick.
Dasus@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 159d
It also depends a lot on how you did and what and in what sort of an environment and with what sort of company.
These experiences are highly subjective and I don't deny that often mushrooms cause nausea for instance. LSD and MDMA less so, but it's not unheard of.
They're not perfect, but there's very much is science behind my point.
balian@lemmy.libertarianfellowship.org · 0 pts · 159d
I believe enjoying these things needs the kind of environment that had it been available, you simply wouldn't need narcotics to enjoy yourself in the first place.
Dasus@lemmy.world · 0 pts · 159d
LSD, shrooms and MDMA are a specific groups of drugs. Just like narcotics are. But they aren't the same group. Opiates, benzos, etc "downers" are narcotics if we're being technical.
Tell me, how long have you suffered from treatment resistant severe clinical depression? Oh you haven't? Ah. But you're just saying those people would be just as well off without said medication?
Mind you, I don't think you complain when people have a drink or two to relax.
Huh, bottom three, the least dangerous ones. Which are those?
mika_mika@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 163d
Broke up with her over text because I feel nothing.
Years later I regret what I have done feeling like I made a mistake.
Fully prepared to accept the consequences of my actions and ready to live alone forever.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 161d
Or you grow and mature and find someone new who you won't do that with. I'm not some unique freak in having multiple ones who got away who could've been a great lifelong partner and also an amazing lifelong partner who didn't get away.
Damage@feddit.it · 11 pts · 162d
Yeah but now you've got someone to make happy.
Bluescluestoothpaste@sh.itjust.works · 11 pts · 162d
I mean that's not actual loneliness then? You can be depressed without feeling lonely I think?
JackbyDev@programming.dev · 10 pts · 162d
Congratulations on correctly reading the post.
balian@lemmy.libertarianfellowship.org · 1 pts · 159d
Why won't it be? You can be lonely despite having company.
Bluescluestoothpaste@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 159d
Sure but that's not what's happening here. Anon thought he was lonely but he was actually depressed.
brownsugga@lemmy.world · 11 pts · 162d
It's called an anxiety disorder, go get medicine for it, regard
lolola@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 10 pts · 163d
Anon is on the hedonic treadmill
YiddishMcSquidish@lemmy.today · 6 pts · 162d
Too real...
nutsack@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 6 pts · 162d
yea
lessthanluigi@lemmy.sdf.org · 6 pts · 162d
Anon got his first date, yay!!!
Honestly, they might not be so compatible, and she might be thinking the same thing, just she is still doing the social script you usually do on dates.
I've only been with 2 people so far, and this is how it ended up as well. Only I am also doing the social script too.
Also socially, it is really nice to have a partner you are dating in public, let alone a cute/hot one. Felt like the center of the room everywhere I went.
My advice to anon is to continue for at least another date or 2 and see what happens. If you get the spark again or really like her company anyway, then there is no need to breakup. If you start to not feel comparable, then move on, because she likely feels the same, since it's only been 3 days.
Also, anon needs to know the difference between love and infatuation, because he was probably feeling more infatuation (which is fine).
SethTaylor@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 162d
Be sad together
gmtom@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 162d
Lmao same 🤣🤣🤣