I've never been able to do it.
When I'm relaxed, I'm hardly aware of my surroundings and when I'm alert, I'm nervous as hell.
How the hell do people keep their composure in difficult situations and still get through them alright?
I've never been able to do it.
When I'm relaxed, I'm hardly aware of my surroundings and when I'm alert, I'm nervous as hell.
How the hell do people keep their composure in difficult situations and still get through them alright?
40 Comments
Damarus@feddit.org · 40 pts · 110d
Childhood trauma. Being aware of your surroundings just becomes the default mode.
akunohana@piefed.blahaj.zone · 13 pts · 110d
This. It's not a choice or a "neat treat". It's how we've been molded by our environment since childhood. To the detriment of my economy, I often go to cafes not to feel lonely while not having to engage in 1v1 conversation, and I can literally have my face planted onto the dining table, enjoying ambience, and still be aware of what other guests are in my vicinity, sitting in what positions, what impressions they gave me by their looks and by their general tone. Relaxing, but it'll be a cold day in hell before I let anybody hurt me physically or mentally.
xSikes@feddit.online · 5 pts · 109d
Sadly, I second this. Also took 8 years in a 12 year (so far) relationship to learn to drop that guard at times.
backalleycoyote@lemmy.today · 3 pts · 109d
One learns calmness and how to remain unnoticed when the violence breaks out but isn’t currently directed at you. There’s nothing you can do to stop it, and if you tried you’d be drug into it and lose. I’m a prison volunteer and I’ve seen the exact same thing. Some dude is getting his head stomped and people casually finish their card game or make a cup of coffee before lockdown.
stringere@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 109d
Yeah. My answer was PTSD and weed. My PTSD is from childhood trauma.
Prathas@lemmy.zip · 1 pts · 108d
Did a certain event happen in your childhood? If it was hundreds and hundreds of criticisms every month for decades like I experienced, then that's not PTSD, which is a single, life-changing event, but rather CPTSD (Complex), which is a gradual embedding of continual stress reaction over a long period of time.
stringere@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 108d
Several traumatic events, none of them the same.
Prathas@lemmy.zip · 1 pts · 108d
Dang. I'm sorry you've had to endure all those!
stringere@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 107d
I've made it this far. I finally got into therapylast year but had to fire my therapist when their shared office started playing Christian music in the waiting room. I told her there's no way any healing is going to happen if I'm being triggered before our sessions.
Karl@literature.cafe · 1 pts · 105d
I have enough of that. But I'm still the way I am lol
Almacca@aussie.zone · 24 pts · 110d
By being in the present. By being aware of the sights, sounds, and events happening around you without any emotional attachment. My job entails being the passenger in cars with inexperienced drivers that can potentially do the most dangerous and life-threatening things possible, and I may have to intervene at a moment's notice to prevent catastrophe. I am alert to this possibility, but I am never scared or anxious about it.
I am both relaxed and alert at the same time. I'm not sure I've explained that very well, but the Tao Te Ching might help you get the idea.
BryyM@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 109d
Yeah, learning not to be that emotionally attached to what happens is good. Having the correct amount of emotional intensity really does help you be alert without it being tiresome
slazer2au@lemmy.world · 14 pts · 110d
By having a support network of people who can help during and after.
radiouser@crazypeople.online · 4 pts · 110d
Damnit.
AskewLord@piefed.social · 2 pts · 109d
that's a rarity these days for most folks.
Prathas@lemmy.zip · 1 pts · 108d
It partly depends on your location and it does take tremendous effort akin to marathon preparation, but it is possible. It can take years, though, so finding sustainable ways to slowly grow your in-person social network is key. As horrible as they are, Facebook and Meetup were critically helpful for me, personally, through hobby and neighborhood groups.
AskewLord@piefed.social · 1 pts · 108d
that means it's not possible for most people. most human beings don't have the money time and leisure to do marathon running. the wealthy do.
but they also have to the time to agonize about their 'support groups'. the rest of us have shit to do.
EndlessNightmare@reddthat.com · 9 pts · 109d
Confidence, being in control of the situation
Boiglenoight@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 108d
I’m generally not confident and have a lot of unusual anxiety compared to peers. However, when I’m asked to troubleshoot something computer related in front of 100 people in an auditorium filled with c suite level VIPs, I tend to control myself while focusing on the task at hand.
I attribute this to having done the same thing thousands of times. It’s still stressful, but I know it’s going to work out due to repetition. And if it doesn’t? It was well and truly fucked.
AskewLord@piefed.social · 8 pts · 109d
experience and training.
do activities that are chill by require awareness, like driving.
stringere@sh.itjust.works · 6 pts · 109d
PTSD and weed
bizzle@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 109d
Does the weed help the PTSD in your experience
Drusas@fedia.io · 1 pts · 109d
Not in mine, but also doesn't make it worse.
stringere@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 109d
Yes, most of the time.
notabot@piefed.social · 4 pts · 110d
What you're describing as "alert" sounds more like hypervigilance. It's a maladaption in modern life, but was probably really useful for keeping you and your group safe from predators in the stone-age. I'm no psychiatrist, but it may be down to some anxiety or trauma that's left you extra wary. Figuring out the root cause might help you overcome it and be alert and calm at the same time.
AskewLord@piefed.social · 2 pts · 109d
yeah, i'd call it being stressed out over nothing. some people just go around being paranoid/stressed/worried all the time.
no matter how non threatening their circumstances/life are.
blarghly@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 109d
I don't think anyone is really chill and alert at the same time. We have two entirely different nervous systems dedicated to these tasks.
What is actually happening is that people are feeling their fear or nerves or whatever, and acting anyway. And while it isn't an especially pleasant thing to get better at, it isn't very complicated - just keep putting yourself in scary situations. The more you experience fear and nervousness, the less control it has over your actions. You just get used to it.
vapordays@leminal.space · 3 pts · 109d
I do think so. I've attained this state. It's famous in philosophy, spirituality, as a performer, in a "military" or fighting context, and so on.
But I guess it depends what you mean by chill. A better word is calm. It is totally possible to be calm and alert at the same time. I'd say it is a more ideal state to be in, and strive to achieve consistently.
Drusas@fedia.io · 3 pts · 109d
Or just being mindful. It doesn't sound like OP really means "alert" so much as "aware of your surroundings".
bsit@sopuli.xyz · 4 pts · 109d
Practice. I've learned it by meditation (specifically paying attention to the whole of your experience), and so have many other people I know.
dwt@feddit.org · 4 pts · 110d
What you describe sounds like competence. If you know you can do it, it’s way easier to stay calm.
Some people just have a differently wired brain. But everyone can get competent.
AskewLord@piefed.social · 2 pts · 109d
that's optimistic.
Drusas@fedia.io · 3 pts · 109d
Mindfulness practice.
one_old_coder@piefed.social · 3 pts · 110d
They pretend to be chill or pretend to be alert.
crimson_iris@piefed.social · 3 pts · 109d
I don't know if you've been through something that makes you on edge, in which case I'd talk to a professional. But otherwise I'd start here: establish a baseline for each environment you find yourself in. That just means figuring out what's normal and what's not in any given scenario. That requires awareness and observation. If you're talking about possibly dangerous people, you need to read body language, verbal and nonverbal cues. If it's dangerous environments, talk to people who are regularly there. This is just the tip of the iceberg. There's a lot of information out there about figuring out how to know if a situation is dangerous to you or not. But mainly, listen to your intuition. If something feels off, take action (usually get out of there, if you can).
HubertManne@piefed.social · 2 pts · 109d
I hate being anxious and nervous so am chill in the hopes of things being calm but unfortunately life is constantly annoying and many people do not want to be chill. Honestly if im not chill im angry and you would not like me when im angry.
Karl@literature.cafe · 1 pts · 109d
WongKaKui@piefed.ca · 1 pts · 110d
Funny enough, hydroxyzine is supposed to be for for anxiety but also for sleep
But all I get is feeling tired, not really anxiety relief...
No idea...
Mom seemed to manage well and kept my family afloat... and she just lashes out on everyone... sometimes threatening divorce with dad, sometimes lash out at my older brother, sometimes at me... :/
So I guess by being alert enough means losing sanity and hurting the ones you're supposed to protect...
:(
(still love mom tho... idk why... oxytocin is weird)
Karl@literature.cafe · 0 pts · 110d
What is that?
Speculater@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 109d
It's the love hormone you get from hugging someone. You also get it from pets! They also get it!