You are going through such different stages in your lives.
One is most likely still in school, the other may be trying to run their own busuiness, or strive for children. There may be common grounds, but at 22 I would not suggest settling down.
Honestly, I've met so many people at either age or older who were at either stage in their life. A 22 yo can be done with their training and fully working, even having their own business while a 30 yo is still trying to find themselves.
18 is definetly too low, they still look like children to me I agree, but 22-23? If they work they arent behind me in their life. But yeah the gap is wide.
I've always heard the "half your age plus seven" rule (mostly somewhat jokingly) for the appropriate minimum age of your partner. But I read somewhere that it's origin is from some 18th century manual for finding a wife, wherein it indicated the MAX age of an appropriate wife...
I got a vivid image of two age gapped goons spilling toxic waste into a river while snickering to themselves. Definitely don't do that. And definitely let me go grab my coffee as I'm still in dream mode.
They could be in a similar phase of life. I was still 17 when I started college and had a full-time job. A 20 year old could still be in high school if they were held back. This is kind of the range where you can start counting months or talking about how different school systems have different cutoff dates that can mess with things.
I would not recommend 20 year olds and 17 year olds date in general. But it's very possible for two people of those ages to date without being creepy or having problems.
Romeo and Juliet laws are fairly common. 24 states allow a 2 to 5 year age difference. AFAIK, federal law allows up to a 4-year age difference.
The other 26 seem kinda stupid. Two kids can be in the same class and dating since 6th grade, but for 6 months in their senior year, it's rape. How does that make sense?
There's gotta be some stricter "rules". Because 19 dating 15 would be weeeeiiiiiird. It's always iffy because the older you get. The larger the gap is acceptable. Like 25-10 is gross AF right. But 55-40 isn't a huge deal.
(Saying "25-10 is gross" and getting downvoted for it is concerning on so many levels. You know who you are you fucking weirdo
Nobody's downvoting your for saying 25 and 10 is gross, they're downvoting you because you're bringing up irrelevant nonsense. 19 and 15 is weird, but I'd rather see that 19 year old go free than make a 19 year old register as a sex offender because he slept with his 17 year old girlfriend.
The static age gap thing is an issue. 30-20 is way worse than even 55-35, despite that being twice the gap. Half your age plus seven solves that by making the socially acceptable age gap grow with age.
I think the rule breaks down any time before ~21 (always round up). In general, if you’re over 18, don’t date someone under 18. If you’re both under 18 idk but probably don’t exceed a two year age gap.
If you're 18+, you're free to be with whoever you want to be. As long as no abuse is going on in either direction, and both are happy, who am I to judge
That's not what's being said. From the context of an adult dating some, 15/16 is too young unless the older person is really close to that age (18, 19 at a push and I only think like that because I'm from somewhere with an age of consent of 16. Places with AoC of 18 would obviously be skewed older).
When one of the people is on the younger side, the old rule of thumb (age of older person/2+7) is a best practice for what would be considered inappropriate.
I know what you were asking but your question reads as "So you don't like waffles?". No-one was saying anything about anyone under the age of 18, only what minimum age is appropriate for anyone who's already a legal adult. I think 15-17 are fine dating amongst themselves but that's an age where parental consent is concerned in a lot of places.
This is where I can only speak broadly since every country (and state/province) has it's own laws but from a legal standpoint, minors need parental consent to do a great many things. Dating in the broad term such as a young couple going to see a movie with each other would likely be seen as an innocuous activity and not worth a court's time. Where laws get involved are when it comes to physical intimacy and they can be loose or draconian. Just in the US alone, there are laws that dictate minors of the same age are able to do as they please, some have the "Romeo & Juliet law" otherwise known as the close-in-age law, and others deem physical intimacy between minors as strictly illegal meaning if 2 minors of the same age had sex, they'd both be committing sexual assault against a minor. To put the power of parental consent into perspective though, in the UK it was possible for a couple wherein one or more of the two were 16 or 17 were legally able to marry with parental consent. This was true until as recently as 2023 due to child abuse issues but that's incredibly recent for such a thing.
"Anything goes 18+" doesn't exclude the possibility of some things going <18. I think the name of this fallacy is like "denying the antecedent" or something nerdy like that
I think life situation is probably more important than strictly age. If you're an independent 30 year old working a full time job you probably don't want to date a college student that lives with their parents.
That's subjective. Two adults can do whatever they want. The rest is just other people's opinions and those opinions can also be “a bit iffy”. The more you listen to other people's arbitrary morals, the iffier things get and you soon realize you should just have followed your own intuition to begin with.
I'm 40 now and can't imagine dating someone younger than 30. People change so much between 20-30 that the person you start with may not be the person you end with. People should never quit growing and learning. But I want to know that the person has enough life experience and stability to be a reliable partner. That being said, I also hold older women at an arms length because in my experience they tend to want more control. I don't want control or to be controlled. I want an equal partnership with respect and love. I understand that that changes depending on the person but IN GENERAL I would go -7 or +5. There are exceptions to that based on maturity, intellect, vibe, etc.
My sister's ex is my mom's age (25 year age gap). They dated when she was in her late 20s. Honestly they had a great relationship and, while he was a bit "immature" for his age (financially), he was a really awesome dude and they had lots in common. The main reason it didn't work out was because she wanted kids, and having kids with a man in his early 50s, who aleady had like a 20 year old kid, is difficult.
I think that's what often causes issues in big age gap relationships, they're often at different points of family/career development.
The flip side of this is that I met my uncle's (61) girlfriend, who is, I believe, 25 or 26 and I did get the ick because she's younger than two of his older children and has braces that make her look a lot younger than that. Most people thought she was a friend of his youngest kids (who are 19). She's nice though I guess. And my uncle needs therapy, but that's not necessarily related to this.
I don't think is that much the age (above 18 please) than the knowledge that you are not taking advantage of that person (or knowing that that person is not taking advantage of you though this is harder to notice).
If there's a huge age gap you will get looks. But the looks of others are not that important as long as you know that what you are doing is right.
Are you taking advantage of the other person because of their age? If yes then don't do it. If no, please continue.
I can attest to this. I had a 30 year-old friend who I got along with great when I was 19. We hung out all the time and got looks and odd comments when we went out. I knew he was interested, but I never budged and he never took advantage. We're still great platonic friends to this day, 15ish years later.
I would say; don't take other peoples opinion in mind. If you make eachother happy; you are good.
If your question is focusing on the reaction of the average person. I would say the average person walking past you on the street, will not raise their eyebrow unless one of the partners looks underage. Or if the 30 year old looks significantly older than 30.
Age is a number and people mature at different rates based on their life experiences and intelligence. I survived mental, physical, and sexual abuse as a child. I am also considered high intelligence... in elementary school I was ranked in the top 10 percentile of my age group based on standardized testing. In middle school all of my testing showed me at a minimal of college levels with some areas in graduate school. I had no friends and have literally had the crap beat out of me for no reason than I existed. I have also buried a child and a wife. I am more comfortable with an older woman because those my own age and younger are generally more self absorbed.
Stick to someone of the age of majority who makes you happy and isn't abusive. The rest is your business and nobody else's.
Depends on where everyone is in their life. An undergrad shouldn't be dating someone graduated and in a stable working condition. Once your past a certain age, it becomes fairly useless as a question of appropriateness- with things like life experience, goals and present conditions being more important.
even then; it's about maintaining a healthy balance of power in the relationship. if it's a one night stand and everyone involved are consenting adults; that's none of our business.
Once you're 30, as long as the other person is in your general age group or older, and the relationship works for both of you, your specific ages don't matter.
My wife and I are almost 10 years apart. We met right before her 30th birthday, I was also once the younger partner when I was 20 and my then-gf was 34. That failed for a number of reasons, but I don't think age was one of them. With legal, consenting adults, whatever works for you is fine, I think.
If they are looking to date younger, I'd say that 25 would probably be the realistic minimum, as that is the age by which the brain is fully developed. If a thirty year old is looking to date older, I don't really see any real limit. Their brain is fully developed, and they've been an adult long enough that they can evaluate the pros and cons of the older person.
Just had this conversation oddly enough. I’m of the mindset that consenting adults can do as they please BUT power dynamics I feel are far more important than age. If your power dynamics is unbalanced, you can be the same age and have it all go wrong if they’re your manager for instance, but if you’re 18 and your 40-year-old coworker who works in the same dept wants to jump your bones, I say no harm, no foul.
69 Comments
bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de · 104 pts · 357d
22-46 is acceptable.
msage@programming.dev · 4 pts · 356d
I can't imagine a 22yo with 30yo.
You are going through such different stages in your lives.
One is most likely still in school, the other may be trying to run their own busuiness, or strive for children. There may be common grounds, but at 22 I would not suggest settling down.
bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de · 14 pts · 356d
Honestly, I've met so many people at either age or older who were at either stage in their life. A 22 yo can be done with their training and fully working, even having their own business while a 30 yo is still trying to find themselves.
msage@programming.dev · 0 pts · 356d
Sure, but how common is that? There are exceptions to every rule.
But still at 25 your brain is not fully formed, and as such you may consider some wilder ideas.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 355d
very common in major cities.
maybe less so in rural areas where people don't go to college and tend have limited opportunities and 'settle down' earlier.
morphballganon@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 355d
22yo women date 30yo+ men all the time
Maybe not so much the other way around
Noodle07@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 353d
I'm 30, I feel like so far behind peers I could relate with a 22yo girl I'm sure
msage@programming.dev · 1 pts · 353d
I've known a guy, dated an 18yo while being ~33-35...
We sat down and talked about the relationship.
Me: dude, it's fine if you tell me it's all about sex, just please tell me what do you really get out of that relationship?
Dude: no you don't get it, she's so mature for her age, we have common things, we talk a lot
Me: what do you talk about? do you talk about her homework?
Dude: noo, we talk about life and such
Couple weeks later dude is single. At least then he admitted it was just about the sex.
The gap was wider than 22 and 30, but still, it's too much.
Noodle07@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 352d
18 is definetly too low, they still look like children to me I agree, but 22-23? If they work they arent behind me in their life. But yeah the gap is wide.
msage@programming.dev · 1 pts · 352d
They are behind you in the brain development if nothing else.
Also their back doesn't hurt yet :D
Noodle07@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 352d
Yeah, ya ain't fully adult until like 25 imho
kersploosh@sh.itjust.works · 67 pts · 357d
Every kid in my high school knew the "half your age plus 7" rule for bounding age gaps:
Age of younger person in the relationship = (Age of older person in the relationship / 2) + 7
So if you are 30 then you can date from 22 to 46. Science!
Though, really, beyond your mid-20s I think you can date as old as you like. As long as everyone is consenting, open, and honest, then have fun.
spankmonkey@lemmy.world · 35 pts · 357d
The half + 7 also makes it more likely that the two of you have some overlapping life experiences which helps a lot with compatability.
otp@sh.itjust.works · 6 pts · 357d
50 and 32? Maybe, I guess?...
spankmonkey@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 356d
More likely than 50 and 22...
Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world · -5 pts · 357d
I'm 100 years old! Gonna get me a niiiiiiice 19 year old!
What? I don't give a shit about your little dating rules. I'm 100! I'm gonna get my dick wet using money that won't be usable in 2 years!
Now then. Who wants to feed me 30 viagra, and get anally pounded for $20,000? Lets get real weird with it!
Acamon@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 356d
I've always heard the "half your age plus seven" rule (mostly somewhat jokingly) for the appropriate minimum age of your partner. But I read somewhere that it's origin is from some 18th century manual for finding a wife, wherein it indicated the MAX age of an appropriate wife...
Witchfire@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 356d
I think you stumbled upon the Republican manual for dating in the 21st century
cerebralhawks@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 1 pts · 355d
Take out the "half your age plus" and you might be onto something.
They're all boosting each others' craziness so none of them drop the dreaded list that exposes all of them, and/or the people they owe favors to.
slazer2au@lemmy.world · 25 pts · 357d
If they are both consenting adults and personalities don't cause a toxic environment what does it matter.
Lemminary@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 356d
I got a vivid image of two age gapped goons spilling toxic waste into a river while snickering to themselves. Definitely don't do that. And definitely let me go grab my coffee as I'm still in dream mode.
A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world · 24 pts · 357d
Half your age +7 years. 30yo can date 22yo.
SolidShake@lemmy.world · -3 pts · 357d
I don't think a 20 year old should date a 17 year old though
TribblesBestFriend@startrek.website · 15 pts · 357d
A 10 year old can only date 12 year old and older. I don’t make the rules
thebustinater@lemmy.zip · 7 pts · 356d
But the 12 year old can only date 13 year old and older, so the 10 year old is out of luck...
TempermentalAnomaly@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 356d
No dating before 14.
spankmonkey@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 357d
The high school to college transition makes things complicated for reasons other than just ages.
PlutoniumAcid@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 356d
America-centric. Other countries split the education path in different sections.
paultimate14@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 357d
They could be in a similar phase of life. I was still 17 when I started college and had a full-time job. A 20 year old could still be in high school if they were held back. This is kind of the range where you can start counting months or talking about how different school systems have different cutoff dates that can mess with things.
I would not recommend 20 year olds and 17 year olds date in general. But it's very possible for two people of those ages to date without being creepy or having problems.
SolidShake@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 357d
Yeah I meant like legally. Statutory rape and all.
Rivalarrival@lemmy.today · 10 pts · 356d
Romeo and Juliet laws are fairly common. 24 states allow a 2 to 5 year age difference. AFAIK, federal law allows up to a 4-year age difference.
The other 26 seem kinda stupid. Two kids can be in the same class and dating since 6th grade, but for 6 months in their senior year, it's rape. How does that make sense?
SolidShake@lemmy.world · -1 pts · 356d
There's gotta be some stricter "rules". Because 19 dating 15 would be weeeeiiiiiird. It's always iffy because the older you get. The larger the gap is acceptable. Like 25-10 is gross AF right. But 55-40 isn't a huge deal.
(Saying "25-10 is gross" and getting downvoted for it is concerning on so many levels. You know who you are you fucking weirdo
starman2112@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 355d
Nobody's downvoting your for saying 25 and 10 is gross, they're downvoting you because you're bringing up irrelevant nonsense. 19 and 15 is weird, but I'd rather see that 19 year old go free than make a 19 year old register as a sex offender because he slept with his 17 year old girlfriend.
The static age gap thing is an issue. 30-20 is way worse than even 55-35, despite that being twice the gap. Half your age plus seven solves that by making the socially acceptable age gap grow with age.
Impound4017@sh.itjust.works · 5 pts · 356d
I think the rule breaks down any time before ~21 (always round up). In general, if you’re over 18, don’t date someone under 18. If you’re both under 18 idk but probably don’t exceed a two year age gap.
If you’re 19-20, get fucked I guess.
Lemminary@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 356d
But that's exactly what they want, and it's the only thing on their mind! D:
Ceedoestrees@lemmy.world · 20 pts · 357d
I know a relationship therapist with a list. Everyone needs to be:
Check the boxes and have fun.
phoenixz@lemmy.ca · 20 pts · 357d
Are there any?
If you're 18+, you're free to be with whoever you want to be. As long as no abuse is going on in either direction, and both are happy, who am I to judge
otp@sh.itjust.works · 0 pts · 357d
16 and 15 shouldn't date?
DebatableRaccoon@lemmy.ca · 4 pts · 356d
That's not what's being said. From the context of an adult dating some, 15/16 is too young unless the older person is really close to that age (18, 19 at a push and I only think like that because I'm from somewhere with an age of consent of 16. Places with AoC of 18 would obviously be skewed older).
When one of the people is on the younger side, the old rule of thumb (age of older person/2+7) is a best practice for what would be considered inappropriate.
otp@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 356d
I was asking if they thought that people under 18 shouldn't date.
15 and 16 pair work by the 1/2 + 7 rule, but not by "Anything goes 18+" rule
DebatableRaccoon@lemmy.ca · 1 pts · 355d
I know what you were asking but your question reads as "So you don't like waffles?". No-one was saying anything about anyone under the age of 18, only what minimum age is appropriate for anyone who's already a legal adult. I think 15-17 are fine dating amongst themselves but that's an age where parental consent is concerned in a lot of places.
otp@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 353d
Oh, interesting! Is parental consent legally required for certain ages to date in some places?
DebatableRaccoon@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 353d
This is where I can only speak broadly since every country (and state/province) has it's own laws but from a legal standpoint, minors need parental consent to do a great many things. Dating in the broad term such as a young couple going to see a movie with each other would likely be seen as an innocuous activity and not worth a court's time. Where laws get involved are when it comes to physical intimacy and they can be loose or draconian. Just in the US alone, there are laws that dictate minors of the same age are able to do as they please, some have the "Romeo & Juliet law" otherwise known as the close-in-age law, and others deem physical intimacy between minors as strictly illegal meaning if 2 minors of the same age had sex, they'd both be committing sexual assault against a minor. To put the power of parental consent into perspective though, in the UK it was possible for a couple wherein one or more of the two were 16 or 17 were legally able to marry with parental consent. This was true until as recently as 2023 due to child abuse issues but that's incredibly recent for such a thing.
starman2112@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 355d
"Anything goes 18+" doesn't exclude the possibility of some things going <18. I think the name of this fallacy is like "denying the antecedent" or something nerdy like that
starman2112@sh.itjust.works · 0 pts · 355d
Bluefalcon@discuss.tchncs.de · -3 pts · 356d
I don't know, toddlers should be a no go.
CidVicious@sh.itjust.works · 18 pts · 357d
I think life situation is probably more important than strictly age. If you're an independent 30 year old working a full time job you probably don't want to date a college student that lives with their parents.
Fleur_@aussie.zone · 15 pts · 356d
I'm a so long as both are older than 18 it's fine kinda person.
fletcher_bosom@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 357d
Half the older age plus 7.
ano@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 357d
That's subjective. Two adults can do whatever they want. The rest is just other people's opinions and those opinions can also be “a bit iffy”. The more you listen to other people's arbitrary morals, the iffier things get and you soon realize you should just have followed your own intuition to begin with.
P00ptart@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 356d
I'm 40 now and can't imagine dating someone younger than 30. People change so much between 20-30 that the person you start with may not be the person you end with. People should never quit growing and learning. But I want to know that the person has enough life experience and stability to be a reliable partner. That being said, I also hold older women at an arms length because in my experience they tend to want more control. I don't want control or to be controlled. I want an equal partnership with respect and love. I understand that that changes depending on the person but IN GENERAL I would go -7 or +5. There are exceptions to that based on maturity, intellect, vibe, etc.
garbagebagel@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 355d
My sister's ex is my mom's age (25 year age gap). They dated when she was in her late 20s. Honestly they had a great relationship and, while he was a bit "immature" for his age (financially), he was a really awesome dude and they had lots in common. The main reason it didn't work out was because she wanted kids, and having kids with a man in his early 50s, who aleady had like a 20 year old kid, is difficult.
I think that's what often causes issues in big age gap relationships, they're often at different points of family/career development.
The flip side of this is that I met my uncle's (61) girlfriend, who is, I believe, 25 or 26 and I did get the ick because she's younger than two of his older children and has braces that make her look a lot younger than that. Most people thought she was a friend of his youngest kids (who are 19). She's nice though I guess. And my uncle needs therapy, but that's not necessarily related to this.
exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 3 pts · 355d
Ok this is now my favorite euphemism I've seen
daniskarma@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 6 pts · 356d
I don't think is that much the age (above 18 please) than the knowledge that you are not taking advantage of that person (or knowing that that person is not taking advantage of you though this is harder to notice).
If there's a huge age gap you will get looks. But the looks of others are not that important as long as you know that what you are doing is right.
Are you taking advantage of the other person because of their age? If yes then don't do it. If no, please continue.
Lemminary@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 356d
I can attest to this. I had a 30 year-old friend who I got along with great when I was 19. We hung out all the time and got looks and odd comments when we went out. I knew he was interested, but I never budged and he never took advantage. We're still great platonic friends to this day, 15ish years later.
xePBMg9@lemmynsfw.com · 5 pts · 356d
I would say; don't take other peoples opinion in mind. If you make eachother happy; you are good.
If your question is focusing on the reaction of the average person. I would say the average person walking past you on the street, will not raise their eyebrow unless one of the partners looks underage. Or if the 30 year old looks significantly older than 30.
MuttMutt@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 356d
I am 16 years younger than my other half.
Age is a number and people mature at different rates based on their life experiences and intelligence. I survived mental, physical, and sexual abuse as a child. I am also considered high intelligence... in elementary school I was ranked in the top 10 percentile of my age group based on standardized testing. In middle school all of my testing showed me at a minimal of college levels with some areas in graduate school. I had no friends and have literally had the crap beat out of me for no reason than I existed. I have also buried a child and a wife. I am more comfortable with an older woman because those my own age and younger are generally more self absorbed.
Stick to someone of the age of majority who makes you happy and isn't abusive. The rest is your business and nobody else's.
FuglyDuck@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 357d
Depends on where everyone is in their life. An undergrad shouldn't be dating someone graduated and in a stable working condition. Once your past a certain age, it becomes fairly useless as a question of appropriateness- with things like life experience, goals and present conditions being more important.
even then; it's about maintaining a healthy balance of power in the relationship. if it's a one night stand and everyone involved are consenting adults; that's none of our business.
swelter_spark@reddthat.com · 4 pts · 356d
Once you're 30, as long as the other person is in your general age group or older, and the relationship works for both of you, your specific ages don't matter.
tiredofsametab@fedia.io · 4 pts · 357d
My wife and I are almost 10 years apart. We met right before her 30th birthday, I was also once the younger partner when I was 20 and my then-gf was 34. That failed for a number of reasons, but I don't think age was one of them. With legal, consenting adults, whatever works for you is fine, I think.
jet@hackertalks.com · 4 pts · 355d
If you have common interests and enjoy time together then there is no problem.
If you find yourself avoiding your partner and nothing in common, it light be a issue that you have to work hard on fixing.
N0t_5ure@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 357d
If they are looking to date younger, I'd say that 25 would probably be the realistic minimum, as that is the age by which the brain is fully developed. If a thirty year old is looking to date older, I don't really see any real limit. Their brain is fully developed, and they've been an adult long enough that they can evaluate the pros and cons of the older person.
kelpie_returns@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 356d
Nemo@slrpnk.net · 2 pts · 357d
Someone in their thirties shouldn't be dating an undergrad or retiree. Anything in between is probably fine.
CCMan1701A@startrek.website · 2 pts · 356d
Have your own list of cultural references, of they know them well, you'll be ok.
Lemminary@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 356d
I once dated a 40 year-old in my early 30s and I still had to explain what a random SpongeBob WhatsApp sticker was. It felt so wrong.
otacon239@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 357d
Just had this conversation oddly enough. I’m of the mindset that consenting adults can do as they please BUT power dynamics I feel are far more important than age. If your power dynamics is unbalanced, you can be the same age and have it all go wrong if they’re your manager for instance, but if you’re 18 and your 40-year-old coworker who works in the same dept wants to jump your bones, I say no harm, no foul.
Bluefalcon@discuss.tchncs.de · 1 pts · 356d
Over 30? Any age up. Down? 8 years difference
Proprietary_Blend@lemmy.world · 0 pts · 357d
6?
SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 357d
I think that's too young to be dating at all