I had a friend that moved very far away. We stayed in touch for a while. But he was very busy running a business and raising a special needs toddler with his wife so contact became sporadic. At first I was very understanding and would repeatedly initiate contact that generally, but not always, seemed to well received. After a year or two, I pretty much gave up except for an occasional outreach. I thought that he must be mad at me about something though I couldn't imagine what. After a year or so of minimal contact, I learned that he was suffering from, and hiding, crippling depression. I found out because he hanged himself.
If you care for the person, put in the fucking effort. You don't know what's going on in their life. I will never forgive myself for not trying harder.
I am sorry for your loss but, you are not responsible for troubles of others. You tried for a year or two. That's a lot. It seems you went further for that friend than most people would. Sometimes, we are not able to help others, no matter how hard we try.
I know it's not my place to say that but I've seen people I know get hit with the same kind of guilt, slowly but surely tearing at them and I don't really want anyone else to be in this place.
Plus, he was living elsewhere, running a business and raising a special needs toddler. Any one of those and it would be reasonable to think that he might just have too much on his plate to maintain the friendship.
You are right, but we shouldn't compare ourselves to "most people." The bar is WAY too low especially in modern day hypercapitalist, narcissistic, cold, uncaring countries. If we are going to compare ourselves to "most people," at least recognize the context we are in. Most human earth citizens throughout history (and pre-history) are NOT AT ALL the same as the people of 1930s Germany or the late Roman empire, or this 250 year experiment we call the USA. Let's compare yourselves to the good examples of people/tribes of the world, if we must compare ourselves to anyone.
You want your friend group to have a person with a strong back and a pickup, a white square looking person to talk to cops and bouncers, someone good with computers, someone who can cook, someone who knows where the parties are, and, most importantly, you need the glue person.
Texting and organizing and remembering birthdays and who can't eat gluten and stuff is effort and it's easier for some people than others.
Most people do not like making decisions. Having one person who does the deciding of "we will be friends who stay in touch" is actually really important.
You need the music person too! The one that plays good music that everyone likes and is fresh, and hums or makes music themselves if there is none else.
thought about it. I'm still unsure because I was trying to have a conversation and compare numbers, but no need to elaborate I dont want to offend you further
I used to have no one in my life who'd initiate, and was quite happy with that. So from my perspective, 3 does sound like a good number of friends willing to keep you in their circle, but of course we don't know the first thing about you or your circumstances. What is it about those 3 people that makes it feel like their effort isn't enough to stop your feelings of isolation? I assume if it's not about quantity, it's about quality. Am I on the mark, or is it something else you find unsatisfactory?
Thats how it is when you're mature and comfortable with your life. I'm in my 40s and text my buddy once a season and hang out every other year. We got separate lives.
Honestly every time I see these posts, it just comes off like they're young and used to that school life where their friendship was based on if they went to the same class or not.
I don't think you're a credible source in this scenario. Maybe you're right and everyone is cool, but I would not be surprised at all if someone in your friend group had been hurt by your infequency.
Like I said, we have literally just talked about this topic specifically because we've had these concerns and are adults who speak to each other.
Sounds like you're projecting, don't just go online and assume you know better about people's relationships than them. This isn't r/datingadvice, if you feel that's appropriate, go back to reddit
I have friend dynamics that are the same way. Both sides do the same thing, dropping stuff for a while, weeks or months, and picking back up when energy returns, or thereâs something to share. A burst of connection that picks up exactly where we left off, regardless how long itâs been. I wouldnât be friends with people who arenât ok with this, because it just wouldnât last that long. I donât have anything worth saying a lot of the time, and it feels weird to try to find something to say anyway just to stay in contact, so meh. No thanks.
As with the seasons, there is a natural cycle to such things, and as long as everyone involved is confident the cycle will repeat as it has always done, thereâs no need to fear or resent the cold winters. :)
It's hard not to draw uncharitable conclusions when people you considered friends don't reach out.
They may be struggling, but that's an explanation not an excuse. The sadness experienced by the person who never gets called, never gets invited, and feels forgotten, is real.
You think about what they do spend time on. Who they do call. It invites comparison. Why did they invite them but not me? Do they not like me? Was it something I said? It's impossible to know. They might not know themselves.
I follow a guideline of "follow their behavior, and if you have extra emotional energy then model the behavior you want to see". If they reach out sometimes, I'll reach out sometimes. If they don't, I don't, until I feel like I have the extra energy to risk them blowing me off or whatever.
If both are extraverts, then not initiating contact possibly means that person doesn't want to be friends anymore. Which is fine, sometimes it's better for a friendship to end.
If one is an introvert, then them initiating much less might not mean anything.
If both are introverts, then not getting messages or calls about banal things may be preferable for both, making them ideal friends.
I am very introverted. Mostly happy by myself, got divorced last year. I rarely hit anyone up. But my friends call or text, sometimes a lot. Sometimes I have to hurt their feelings like I can't talk for an hour on the phone, I got shit to do.
My friends, a couple, showed up at my house yesterday and practically demanded I go to a park with them. I kept declining they kept asking. I'm so glad I went, it was wonderful springtime sun, barefoot in the grass, dirt, even the mud. I had been cooped up in the house for four days doing recertifications. Good people. I am lucky.
My mom guilts me over not maintaining a better relationship with my brother, but he will never ever call or text first, despite the fact we used to be really close.
She wants us to have that again, but we are both adults now and my duty of looking out for my kid brother is done. He can make his own choices and I'm always happy to talk to him.
Depends on the person, I think. I hate my phone, and keep it as a requirement to stay connected in a modern world.
The knock-on effect of that is that I'm constantly overdrawn, and have little energy for the ppl who reach out to me, nvm the ppl I'm now supposed to reach out to.
Just my experience but I don't think totally invalid
58 Comments
Manjushri@piefed.social · 114 pts · 178d
I had a friend that moved very far away. We stayed in touch for a while. But he was very busy running a business and raising a special needs toddler with his wife so contact became sporadic. At first I was very understanding and would repeatedly initiate contact that generally, but not always, seemed to well received. After a year or two, I pretty much gave up except for an occasional outreach. I thought that he must be mad at me about something though I couldn't imagine what. After a year or so of minimal contact, I learned that he was suffering from, and hiding, crippling depression. I found out because he hanged himself.
If you care for the person, put in the fucking effort. You don't know what's going on in their life. I will never forgive myself for not trying harder.
Demdaru@lemmy.world · 71 pts · 178d
I am sorry for your loss but, you are not responsible for troubles of others. You tried for a year or two. That's a lot. It seems you went further for that friend than most people would. Sometimes, we are not able to help others, no matter how hard we try.
I know it's not my place to say that but I've seen people I know get hit with the same kind of guilt, slowly but surely tearing at them and I don't really want anyone else to be in this place.
idiomaddict@lemmy.world · 26 pts · 178d
Plus, he was living elsewhere, running a business and raising a special needs toddler. Any one of those and it would be reasonable to think that he might just have too much on his plate to maintain the friendship.
Darcranium@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 178d
You are right, but we shouldn't compare ourselves to "most people." The bar is WAY too low especially in modern day hypercapitalist, narcissistic, cold, uncaring countries. If we are going to compare ourselves to "most people," at least recognize the context we are in. Most human earth citizens throughout history (and pre-history) are NOT AT ALL the same as the people of 1930s Germany or the late Roman empire, or this 250 year experiment we call the USA. Let's compare yourselves to the good examples of people/tribes of the world, if we must compare ourselves to anyone.
oddpixel@lemmy.wtf · 18 pts · 178d
I'm sorry for your loss internet friend.
BuboScandiacus@mander.xyz · 9 pts · 178d
Thank you, needed that
You may have done something very good with this comment
Manjushri@piefed.social · 8 pts · 178d
I'm glad that I may have helped. I hope I did.
eestileib@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 49 pts · 178d
You want your friend group to have a person with a strong back and a pickup, a white square looking person to talk to cops and bouncers, someone good with computers, someone who can cook, someone who knows where the parties are, and, most importantly, you need the glue person.
Texting and organizing and remembering birthdays and who can't eat gluten and stuff is effort and it's easier for some people than others.
Most people do not like making decisions. Having one person who does the deciding of "we will be friends who stay in touch" is actually really important.
SCmSTR@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 10 pts · 178d
You need the music person too! The one that plays good music that everyone likes and is fresh, and hums or makes music themselves if there is none else.
captain_aggravated@sh.itjust.works · 4 pts · 178d
I'm all but two of those.
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 178d
As a one-person friend group, I have to fill every niche.
Rooster326@programming.dev · 3 pts · 178d
It's taking to cops, isn't it?
HikingVet@lemmy.ca · 47 pts · 178d
There are like 3 people in my life who will initiate.
DarrinBrunner@lemmy.world · 37 pts · 178d
Lucky.
HikingVet@lemmy.ca · 6 pts · 178d
No, I'm not. Just because you are mire isolated than me, does not mean I am lucky.
big_slap@lemmy.world · 19 pts · 178d
what's an ideal number of people you consider to be sufficient? just curious
HikingVet@lemmy.ca · -8 pts · 178d
I don't have one. I find questions like this to be inflammatory.
Edit: seems a number of people think there is a specific number of freinds you need to be happy.
big_slap@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 178d
im not sure why you found it inflammatory as it was a genuine question. regardless, apologies
HikingVet@lemmy.ca · -12 pts · 178d
Take a moment to think about that.
Edit: love when I don't set a standard for something without a standard and people don't use critical thinkg.
big_slap@lemmy.world · 11 pts · 178d
thought about it. I'm still unsure because I was trying to have a conversation and compare numbers, but no need to elaborate I dont want to offend you further
kajib@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 5 pts · 178d
Super weird response imo. There's nothing wrong with prefering more people to check in, you don't need a specific number
HikingVet@lemmy.ca · 0 pts · 178d
And that's what I'm trying to get across.
Leg@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 178d
I used to have no one in my life who'd initiate, and was quite happy with that. So from my perspective, 3 does sound like a good number of friends willing to keep you in their circle, but of course we don't know the first thing about you or your circumstances. What is it about those 3 people that makes it feel like their effort isn't enough to stop your feelings of isolation? I assume if it's not about quantity, it's about quality. Am I on the mark, or is it something else you find unsatisfactory?
Agent641@lemmy.world · 27 pts · 178d
The bank when my credit card is overdue, the nice man selling extended car warranties, and those Mormon missionaries I fed that one time.
DmMacniel@feddit.org · 31 pts · 178d
One sided friendships are not worth it.
StarvingMartist@sh.itjust.works · 16 pts · 178d
I mean I don't text or call my friends for months or years, I still consider us lifelong friends
VitoRobles@lemmy.today · 21 pts · 178d
Thats how it is when you're mature and comfortable with your life. I'm in my 40s and text my buddy once a season and hang out every other year. We got separate lives.
Honestly every time I see these posts, it just comes off like they're young and used to that school life where their friendship was based on if they went to the same class or not.
jtrek@startrek.website · 7 pts · 178d
How do they feel about it? Are you sure? How do you know?
StarvingMartist@sh.itjust.works · 10 pts · 178d
Fine, because when I do meet them I actually talk to my friends and discuss things and reminisce like adults
jtrek@startrek.website · -6 pts · 178d
I don't think you're a credible source in this scenario. Maybe you're right and everyone is cool, but I would not be surprised at all if someone in your friend group had been hurt by your infequency.
But maybe!
StarvingMartist@sh.itjust.works · 3 pts · 178d
Like I said, we have literally just talked about this topic specifically because we've had these concerns and are adults who speak to each other.
Sounds like you're projecting, don't just go online and assume you know better about people's relationships than them. This isn't r/datingadvice, if you feel that's appropriate, go back to reddit
jtrek@startrek.website · -4 pts · 178d
I didn't make assumptions about your relationships. Please read more carefully.
NihilsineNefas@slrpnk.net · 3 pts · 178d
You really did when you said
Which is a MASSIVE assumption about their relationship, which you have one point of context for. That being a comment on the internet.
CentipedeFarrier@piefed.social · 2 pts · 178d
I have friend dynamics that are the same way. Both sides do the same thing, dropping stuff for a while, weeks or months, and picking back up when energy returns, or thereâs something to share. A burst of connection that picks up exactly where we left off, regardless how long itâs been. I wouldnât be friends with people who arenât ok with this, because it just wouldnât last that long. I donât have anything worth saying a lot of the time, and it feels weird to try to find something to say anyway just to stay in contact, so meh. No thanks.
As with the seasons, there is a natural cycle to such things, and as long as everyone involved is confident the cycle will repeat as it has always done, thereâs no need to fear or resent the cold winters. :)
Whats_your_reasoning@lemmy.world · 23 pts · 178d
Me: texts every so often, putting thought into each message.
Friend: responds with âthumbs upâ or reactions, but no words.
Me, after the 15th time this happens: âWell I guess weâre done talking to each other.â
SCmSTR@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 11 pts · 178d
Just start saying gradually more and more insane stuff.
"The cutest puppy just ate my sandwich"
"Omg I just lost my exclamation point"
"The cutest puppy just ate my face"
"I just met a leprechaun"
"The cutest puppy and I just had dinner"
LaunchesKayaks@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 177d
Gotta go more unhinged than that. Send shit like, "Homie and I just smashed hella antelope with the drive thru chick at an Arby's in Montana"
SCmSTR@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 1 pts · 177d
Then follow that up with "it seemed impossible but we're gonna have babies but we need to antelope to Wisconsin"
MutilationWave@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 4 pts · 177d
taiyang@lemmy.world · 22 pts · 178d
It's the 21st century, if your friend doesn't send a meme without any context at random intervals, are they really your friend?
ordnance_qf_17_pounder@reddthat.com · 21 pts · 178d
yum@lemmy.eco.br · 3 pts · 178d
Wow are you me?
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 177d
i'm just tired boss and my lamp burned out so i'm spillilng my salsa everywhere
edit fuck dammit
that was a joke then i spilled my salsa
jtrek@startrek.website · 11 pts · 178d
It's hard not to draw uncharitable conclusions when people you considered friends don't reach out.
They may be struggling, but that's an explanation not an excuse. The sadness experienced by the person who never gets called, never gets invited, and feels forgotten, is real.
You think about what they do spend time on. Who they do call. It invites comparison. Why did they invite them but not me? Do they not like me? Was it something I said? It's impossible to know. They might not know themselves.
I follow a guideline of "follow their behavior, and if you have extra emotional energy then model the behavior you want to see". If they reach out sometimes, I'll reach out sometimes. If they don't, I don't, until I feel like I have the extra energy to risk them blowing me off or whatever.
Jack@lemmy.ca · 6 pts · 178d
If both are extraverts, then not initiating contact possibly means that person doesn't want to be friends anymore. Which is fine, sometimes it's better for a friendship to end.
If one is an introvert, then them initiating much less might not mean anything.
If both are introverts, then not getting messages or calls about banal things may be preferable for both, making them ideal friends.
MutilationWave@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 3 pts · 177d
I am very introverted. Mostly happy by myself, got divorced last year. I rarely hit anyone up. But my friends call or text, sometimes a lot. Sometimes I have to hurt their feelings like I can't talk for an hour on the phone, I got shit to do.
My friends, a couple, showed up at my house yesterday and practically demanded I go to a park with them. I kept declining they kept asking. I'm so glad I went, it was wonderful springtime sun, barefoot in the grass, dirt, even the mud. I had been cooped up in the house for four days doing recertifications. Good people. I am lucky.
zaphod@sopuli.xyz · 6 pts · 178d
It's what? Over.
cattywampas@lemmy.world · -15 pts · 178d
Now imagine if both parties thought like this
Phone works both ways.
SARGE@startrek.website · 27 pts · 178d
Track_Shovel@slrpnk.net · 12 pts · 178d
My mom guilts me over not maintaining a better relationship with my brother, but he will never ever call or text first, despite the fact we used to be really close.
She wants us to have that again, but we are both adults now and my duty of looking out for my kid brother is done. He can make his own choices and I'm always happy to talk to him.
spankinspinach@sh.itjust.works · 5 pts · 178d
Depends on the person, I think. I hate my phone, and keep it as a requirement to stay connected in a modern world.
The knock-on effect of that is that I'm constantly overdrawn, and have little energy for the ppl who reach out to me, nvm the ppl I'm now supposed to reach out to.
Just my experience but I don't think totally invalid
SCmSTR@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 178d
Two to beam down.
Nods at you
Redacted@lemmy.zip · 24 pts · 178d
Youve missed the point entirely