Do you have any funny NSFW/sexual experiences? NSFW

When I was in uni a friend with benefits lured me back to her flat with promises of food when I was drunk and hungry, then dragged me straight to the bedroom despite me protesting I still was hungry. She had some furry handcuffs on the headboard so I handcuffed her to the bed, walked to the kitchen, made a sandwich, and then came back and sat on a chair right next to her while I ate it. The sandwich was mediocre, but the taste of victory was divine. She said I was "bad at BDSM", but I'm pretty sure I got the bondage and sadism bits down fine.

The first time I pegged my partner at the time, he asked if it was in yet. And I, with half a dildo up his ass, was all indignant like "What do you mean is it in yet?!"

We had to stop because we were laughing too hard.

One evening my girl and I were enjoying an evening alone, I’m doing my thing, feeling great, when she starts laughing for no reason. Well apparently there was a little dried piece of booger that was stuck to one of my nose hairs that I was unaware of, and as I was breathing it was darting in and out of my nose, and once she saw it she couldn’t ignore it. I’m like, what? And all she’s doing is laughing and pointing at my face. And because she’s laughing I start laughing too, which I guess made the booger behave even more erratically, and now she’s laughing harder and without warning she aggressively grabs my nose and shouts GOTCHA leaving me to wonder how an evening of lovemaking became a game of Got Your Nose.

Finally she manages to explain, in between high-pitched wheezes of laughter, about the booger and she gets up to go wash her hands, and now we’re both laughing too hard to continue. Mood’s gone. Booger stole the show. Think we just put the tv on and fell asleep after that.

And that’s my sex booger story.

Losing my virginity was a weird story. After graduation, we had a small get together at a friend's house, let's call her Kate. Kate was a very strange person from a very strange family who once gave me a BJ in a church bathroom (while her brother stood guard) after I jokingly told her to blow me and she said "OK!" But that's a separate story.

At the party there was a girl there from another school that I had never met (Ashley). We were playing "Never Have I Ever" and of course having sex came up, so I drank. After the party, Kate texted asking if Ashley could have my number, and of course I said yes.

We talk for a minute before she asks if it's really true that I'm a virgin. I confirm, and she says, "Wanna change that?" Of course I did, so we made plans to meet at Kate's house where we had the party.

We go to Kate's bedroom (at her behest) and start to get busy. Things get heated up, and as we're engaged in the main event I happen to look at the window to see Kate with her hands and face pressed up against the window watching us.

Of course that threw me off, so when it came time for me to finish, I was a bit flustered and asked Ashley where she wanted me to finish (we were in edge of the bed missionary). She said, "I don't know, the floor I guess," so I did. We get up and she looks down, and it turned out that I blew my load in her shoe.

There was not a second meetup.

Found myself in the middle of an orgy one night at a party. I was a little too enthusiastic at getting up to straddle someone and fell off the bed on the opposite side with a thump and a lot of laughs.

You abandon all humility when you’re naked and have fallen all akimbo in a room full of people haha.

A pair of friends hooked up in front of me so I went to the kitchen, made popcorn, and proceeded to eat it while watching and occasionally tossing a piece at them.

Late teens: My gf came over, watching a movie in the downstairs den, started having spoon sex under the blanket on the couch. My mother (rather intuitively) decided we needed supervision and came down to watch the movie with us; while I was still balls deep!

I pulled out slower than a glacier and we spent the rest of the movie slowly and stealthily putting our pants back on under the blanket. Somehow we got away with it! (If we got caught there would have been hell haha)

I was seeing this girl long term in college and we decided to try this foaming contraceptive stuff.

I'm not entirely sure what happened, maybe she used too much, but she started frothing at the pussy! She stood up to grab a towel, but that only made it start to slowly descend from her snatch, which made me laugh, which made me fart, then she started laughing, which made me laugh/fart harder, which of course only made us both laugh even harder. It was a vicious circle that resulted in neither of us being able to breathe right for at least 10 minutes because we were wholly incapable of not laughing. All the while, she has this increasingly thick string of foam coming out of her. My muscles were sore for a week just from laughing.

We decided to stick with condoms after that.

My wife was bent over the end of the bed. While I'm going at it, she says something, but it's muffled because her face is in the bed, and I'm hard of hearing. I ask what she said, and she turns back and screams, "I said fill my pussy with your cum!" But it was summer and our windows were open with people walking by on the sidewalk. Bet they were really jealous.

Lady friend and I are going at it, she's on the edge of the bed and I'm standing up. Had just finished warming her up with oral and getting to the main event. I began to slide backwards because bare feet & carpet don't offer the best traction. She can feel me slipping and sits up to try and grab me at the same time I try to jump forward and we headbutt each other.

I collapsed on the floor, her back on the bed, both of us laughing and cussing. She starts to slide off the bed to join me on the floor, sticking her foot directly into my open mouth.

She happened to be extremely ticklish, and a surprise tongue between your toes was apparently too much stimulation for her. She screams, collapses on the floor while trying not to kick me in the face, and has what she later called "the most hilarious and embarrassing orgasm ever."

I had switched into "protector mode" as she was falling, trying to catch her, keep from getting kicked in the face, and trying to protect my nuts from a falling body all at once, so it took me a second to figure out what was happening, but then I just started laughing all over again.

...at least one of us finished!

I have plenty of times mid kink scene where the scene breaks, we realize how ridiculous we've been and just start laughing. It's especially amusing when you're at a party and people are watching your scene

My ex and I were roommates with 3 other people. The others were all gone and we were in my room getting ready, she got up to get lube or a vibrating cock ring or something, I can't remember. But she left the door open. I'm laying there, dick straight up in the air when her cat jumps on my bed. Whatever, it'll leave when we get down to business. But no, the cat sneakily crawls between my legs and licks the underside of my helmet. Right where that line of skin is that connects head to shaft. I freaked, cat freaked and ran off, I go soft and the mood is over.

If you thought a cats tongue was scratchy on your hand...

Got a few but

One time at a furcon room party it was nearing the end of the night and the guy who booked the room who just wanted to sleep and I were watching this hetero couple go at it and we're making David attenborough documentary type commentary, sprinkled with the occasional expression that sleep was required.

Of course this may have been on day 2/3 on acid so that wasn't the only story I have.

I also met my partner that night because she admired my battle jacket patches.

One of her stories is during anal sex she defecated on a $10,000 fursuit

Cops burst in one time

ACAB

my husband slapped my butt so hard that my phone flew out of my hand, and hit the wall and shattered. he got me a new one, but we both laughed about it

Last new years my now husband got drunk and really horny. I was in bed reading a book. The came into the bedroom to cuddle. Then we made out and they just said "i want to fuck you. I want to breed you so baaaad. Please. I love you so much i want to fuck you so bad!". I prepared myself. He even tied me up and all and bit me in the neck as he tried to put it in but constantly missed it entering. Problem: im tied up and he couldnt figure out anymore how to untie me. Soooo i just slept with a gag, blindfolded and tied up for the night and them ontop of me on my chest. It was cute for sure. He got really worried at the moment and appologiced so much the next day but now we laught about it

Edit and clarification:

They werent able to open the knot not because they were drunk. They couldnt open the knot because it was some complicated one and they forgot how to open it. They were fully conciouse and clear thinking how else could they have tied me up all carefully and made a knot so complicated we resorted to just cut the thick rope with a knife the next morning

I dated a co-worker and we would act very professionally in front of others... until the elevator doors closed where she would jump me for the 10 to 30 seconds we had in there.

One day the doors close, she jumps and wraps her arms around my neck, and we hear the sound of the doors start to open again because someone pushed the elevator call button before it properly left. I THREW her aside out of panic and she went flying into the opposite wall and recovered like she tripped just in time for the doors to open. We kept our shit together just long enough for the person to get off on the next floor and we both broke down laughing.

It became the thing she would joke about the most when she was trying to embarrass me a little; the time I launched her across an elevator.

Many years ago my then girlfriend, later ex wife and me had a stroll through a small forest when we got horny. Thea experience of having outdoor sex just dropped and I was not in the mood anymore after a fucking horsefly had stung me right into the ballsack.

Turns out I can be hella ticklish when I get intimate.

Any normal day and someone running their hand across my skin does next to nothing. As I figured out with my first partner, super light touches can turn ticklish. I'm guessing it has to do with the hyper sensitivity/awareness that comes from getting it on.

Safe to say, once they figured it out, their inner brat came out. It got so bad one time that just their hand hovering near my neck was enough to make me squinch my neck from the tickles. We were both laughing for several minutes after we realized the absurdity of the whole thing.

She farted and we both laughed hard for a solid 30 seconds.

yes, i have several

edit: I'll live with the hate and you will all have to live without my painful, cringe-worthy sex mistakes

edit: weeeelllll. just one. since you all insisted with your plethora of downvotes.

The first time I ever got laid...the first time someone very obviously wanted me to stick my dick into them..and by obvious I mean that she basically asked. That's the level of engagement that I need. So, anyway, we head to her parents bed. I'm all nervous and shit since I really don't really know what to do with my throbbing cock. I'd seen movies but I never had to perform in real life. So she was all like "come here and stick it in me you little bitch(this was 300 years ago so i might be paraphrasing" I'm just kidding. I can't write a story that's more than a few sentences.

Long story short: I bought a condom that was too small and it shot off my dick into her vergina and she never found it. I feel bad to this day