I've told this story before recently, but somehow it seems vaguely apropos.
When I was a kid, I tried adding fried spam to mac and cheese.
As you can tell, my mom was very concerned about my diet, AKA, not at all, and she just let us do whatever the fuck we wanted to do.
So anyway, it was alright. It was not a meal I would repeat. But in addition to the fact that it was not very good, that night at three o'clock in the morning, my butthole woke me up.
This is not a normal occurrence in my life. In fact, in all of the years since then it has never happened again.
My butthole woke me up to let me know that it was about to open, and it opened, and exhaled one long continuous fart for what felt like two solid minutes.
There was no sound, it was completely silent, it did not rattle my cheeks. It was just a whoosh. Like my butthole had been waiting to exhale its entire life and finally got the opportunity.
At first I was like, why am I awake?
Then I was like, wow, this is a really long fart.
Then I was like, dear god, why has this fart not stopped yet?
Then I spent the remaining minute and 30 seconds of the longest fart in my entire life, absolutely flabbergasted that it was still happening. I wish I had shit the bed, I would be less traumatized.
I reviewed the article but not the paper direct but this could be very beneficial knowledge for gi doctors. I wouldn't be surprised to see this at least nominated for a ig nobel prize.
67 Comments
MissesAutumnRains@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 93 pts · 109d
Sorry, 2-7 times a day??? Oh no
FireRetardant@lemmy.world · 77 pts · 109d
I'm gonna reach that limit before leaving my bed in the morning.
cinoreus@lemmy.world · 16 pts · 108d
I reached the limit while reading this comment
whyNotSquirrel@sh.itjust.works · 29 pts · 109d
Witchfire@lemmy.world · 21 pts · 108d
Who the fuck farts twice a day
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 21 pts · 108d
Jimmy Two Farts
Atomic@sh.itjust.works · 5 pts · 108d
Most people fart before taking a shit. You probably don't think of it as a fart just because you're on the toilet. But it is indeed a fart.
BlushedPotatoPlayers@sopuli.xyz · 4 pts · 108d
One from 7 to 9, and one for the afternoon from 19 until 21
SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 108d
It's two long farts.
Honytawk@discuss.tchncs.de · 3 pts · 108d
Spanning 12 hours each
Tolookah@discuss.tchncs.de · 89 pts · 109d
Some scientist is like "Jerry, you fart so much I wrote a research paper about it. "
TropicalDingdong@lemmy.world · 43 pts · 109d
Just one, long fart per day is all you need.
bizarroland@lemmy.world · 80 pts · 109d
I've told this story before recently, but somehow it seems vaguely apropos.
When I was a kid, I tried adding fried spam to mac and cheese.
As you can tell, my mom was very concerned about my diet, AKA, not at all, and she just let us do whatever the fuck we wanted to do.
So anyway, it was alright. It was not a meal I would repeat. But in addition to the fact that it was not very good, that night at three o'clock in the morning, my butthole woke me up.
This is not a normal occurrence in my life. In fact, in all of the years since then it has never happened again.
My butthole woke me up to let me know that it was about to open, and it opened, and exhaled one long continuous fart for what felt like two solid minutes.
There was no sound, it was completely silent, it did not rattle my cheeks. It was just a whoosh. Like my butthole had been waiting to exhale its entire life and finally got the opportunity.
At first I was like, why am I awake?
Then I was like, wow, this is a really long fart.
Then I was like, dear god, why has this fart not stopped yet?
Then I spent the remaining minute and 30 seconds of the longest fart in my entire life, absolutely flabbergasted that it was still happening. I wish I had shit the bed, I would be less traumatized.
That fart changed my life and not for the better.
TropicalDingdong@lemmy.world · 33 pts · 109d
I think moby dick might actually have been written about a fart like this.
DireTech@sh.itjust.works · 14 pts · 108d
Thank you for your contripootion.
gothic_lemons@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 108d
Bless you and long winded farts!
melsaskca@lemmy.ca · 5 pts · 108d
Fart PTSD. What a concept! Glad you survived it.
wolfeh@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 107d
PFSD
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 108d
How did it smell?
bizarroland@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 108d
It was either completely odorless, or before it was done, I was nose blind to it.
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 107d
that sounds like a post-colonoscopy fart
bizarroland@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 107d
Who knows, maybe that was the night I was abducted by aliens?
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 107d
i've never met any aliens who were into that shit, but like most of the ones i know don't even abduct people let alone probe them.
halfeatenpotato@sh.itjust.works · 7 pts · 108d
I believe the scientific term is 'cropdusting'
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 108d
I feel seen.
You want it nice and deep. A truly satisfying fart might cost you a tooth
Lemminary@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 108d
Where is that tooth coming from. WHERE? D:
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 108d
you pay the tooth fairy with the tooth to bury the fart waaaaay up there. sorry, i thought this kind of deal was common
ramble81@lemmy.zip · 3 pts · 109d
Sounds like you may have some sphincter trouble there. Too much olestra?
GraniteM@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 108d
One, long fart, you say?
PolarKraken@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 3 pts · 108d
Well. Except for No Fart November. There's a peptide for it and everything [there isn't].
SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 108d
No Fart November? Oh man, I was doing something completely different.
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 38 pts · 108d
Number isn't what's important. What matters are volume and volume.
Alberat@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 108d
that still only counts as one!
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 107d
i am not a video editor (currently) so y'all will have to pretend i added a little poot cloud
Matty_r@programming.dev · 4 pts · 108d
Ha! Good one
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 108d
That is (pretty obviously) my #2 joke
SkaveRat@discuss.tchncs.de · 3 pts · 108d
A pretty solid one
over_clox@lemmy.world · 22 pts · 109d
Wait wait, holup...
Australia has more than 6400 people?
Lemminary@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 108d
6401 at least!
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 108d
And they're all constantly farting?
I didn't read the farticle this is more fun
AceSLive@lemmy.world · 17 pts · 109d
Oh, I am not ok then... I think some days I fart more than I talk...
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 108d
Please stop posting my diary
foggy@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 108d
most days.
Anivia@feddit.org · 2 pts · 108d
Sounds like you just have a healthy protein intake. A positive nitrogen balance will cause you to fart more often
tyler@programming.dev · 12 pts · 109d
OK so my brother was right.
HikingVet@lemmy.ca · 10 pts · 109d
Was your brother the author?
tyler@programming.dev · 16 pts · 109d
No but he did say that my wife and I fart an incredible amount.
Whats_your_reasoning@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 108d
And everyone at day jobs are grateful.
ZoteTheMighty@lemmy.zip · 8 pts · 108d
The 8th one was def my dog.
Red_October@piefed.world · 3 pts · 108d
Now explain 9-16.
ZoteTheMighty@lemmy.zip · 1 pts · 107d
Let's just say I don't need a lot of convincing to get 8 more dogs.
NottaLottaOcelot@lemmy.ca · 8 pts · 108d
I’d love to have been a fly on the wall with the panel required to approve a flatulence study that uses an app called “Chart Your Fart”
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 108d
That's just because they didn't include me, Jimmy Fartling.. They said I was an outlier and the lab hasn't stopped smelling like cabbage
Kolanaki@pawb.social · 5 pts · 109d
I drink so much carbonated stuff, I fart constantly.
SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 108d
Carbonation releases the C02 before the stomach.
iocase@lemmy.zip · 5 pts · 108d
Wtf? Do these scientists explicitly eat ultraprocessed food that becomes Portland cement in your guts and kills all the bacteria in your microbiome?
Tollana1234567@lemmy.today · 6 pts · 108d
you dont need to eat ultraprocessed, just alot eggs or cauliflour or broccoli
SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 108d
Protein. The stink comes from protein rich in methionine and cysteine amino acids, that's where the sulfur comes from.
Do we really need science to tell us people fart more after eating a heavy meal?
whotookkarl@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 4 pts · 107d
Fast increases around breakfast and after evening meal, also the app they made was called 'chart your fart'
vrek@programming.dev · 3 pts · 109d
I reviewed the article but not the paper direct but this could be very beneficial knowledge for gi doctors. I wouldn't be surprised to see this at least nominated for a ig nobel prize.
imperious_melange@lemmy.zip · 3 pts · 108d
femtek@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 109d
Is this the average for non lactose intolerant people?
bss03@infosec.pub · 2 pts · 109d
!mildlyinteresting@lemmy.world
fum@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 108d
Lies. It was self reported. I'd multiply the results by 4 at least 💩
WoolyNelson@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 107d
Rookie numbers.
some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org · 1 pts · 108d
I'm finally above average.
RagingRobot@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 108d
Episodes? How long are these farts?
Red_October@piefed.world · 1 pts · 108d
Well the good news is I'm a hell of an over-achiever. Exceptional even.