Don't play any games. Be honest and genuine, even about your minor faults or things that could scare somebody off. That way when you finally find the right person you can really lower your shoulders and feel that nice feeling of being yourself with your partner.
Why would she hate you? Different can be attractive. Do your friends and family hate you? If you have something in particular that needs work, work on it. But if you are just your own unique individual, as we all are, own it and find the person out there that thinks you are attractive for being you.
Trust your gut. If s/he is making you feel uncomfortable, even if you can't point to specifically what is wrong, if the final gut check says something is wrong, something is wrong. Get out.
Don't chase the opposite sex. Chase interest. I didn't meet my wife by seeking my wife, I met her by having an interest, sharing that interest, and having a friend of a friend go, "I bet future Mrs phanto would find that interesting."
I agree wholeheartedly. Chasing the same sex is a hundred times better /silly
Good advice, though. I met someone that I share so many interests with, and can talk to for hours upon hours; I'll never grow tired of her. I think we're best friends, and that makes me even happier than being her lover.
I'm not saying this will work for you, but it always worked for me.
The first time I brought anyone to my place I'd ask if they wanted to see my collection of strange porn. No one ever said no, and if it didn't work out I stayed friends with all of them.
My favorite piece features the line "These aren't regular penises, these are roots of lust!" said in a demonic voice.
Put yourself out there. You will never find someone while sitting at home alone. You will get rejected. That isn't a bad thing. It means you need to keep looking. Think about who you really want to meet - not celebrity, not perfection, not fantasy. What qualities, values, interests, etc. should a REAL person have that would make a relationship worthwhile? What do you offer that could make a person interested in you? What do you need to work on to make yourself a better person?
I was a very data driven dater, and I found that if you're looking for a long term relationship then success looks like having common interests, common values, and common goals. Not all of them have to line up or be exactly the same, but there should be overlap and at least a lack of conflict in them. Common interests let you find ways to enjoy being together, common values help you make decisions that the each of you appreciate, empathize with and understand, and common goals mean that you are both working towards a future that the both of you will be happy with.
On dates I would ask questions that would get as much information about those things as I could.
Don't waste your time with apps. They're all designed to keep you coming back, and to make you pay for access to better matches, but they're incentivized to keep you from finding your true match, else they'd lose money from you. That and the plethora of issues on the apps themselves with bots, people who only want hookups, and so...so many bad matches. I met my current girlfriend at a bar, and I'm happier than I've ever been in a relationship. Ditch the apps.
Oh, I'm not recommending meeting people at a bar, honestly. I've had great luck with it as a trans woman in Seattle, but that's because every Tuesday is doll's night, where the bars I go to are flooded with trans women, and I love that. It's likely much better to meet people through shared hobbies, through friends, etc. All I recommend specifically against is using dating apps. It's much better to meet people organically and not give into the algorithms designed to keep you coming back.
Keep an open mind. Sometimes the most compatible people with you are found in unexpected places. Dating apps are not the be-all end-all of how to meet people, but they aren't useless either. They're just another way to connect with someone.
Know your personal deal breakers and honor them. Don't talk yourself out of hard-earned lessons from past relationships.
It seems weird it needs to be said but vaginal dryness and genital numbing are signs of extreme stress, it’s your body yelling at you to stop having sex. It’s not a normal part of aging it’s not a normal part of being in a long term relationship it doesn’t mean you need to spice things up on the bedroom it means your body feels unsafe with that partner. It’s a serious red flag. I grew up in the 90s and am a very sex positive person but sex education is almost never focused on female pleasure just how things work from a mechanical perspective and safety but emotional safety matters too and dryness or numbness mean you’re not emotionally safe
21 Comments
uKale@lemmy.world · 33 pts · 1d
Don't play any games. Be honest and genuine, even about your minor faults or things that could scare somebody off. That way when you finally find the right person you can really lower your shoulders and feel that nice feeling of being yourself with your partner.
strawberry_enjoyer42@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 1d
I want to do this; to be myself—but I'm scared she'll hate me. I guess that'd make her a bad partner, huh.
I'll work on it.
Bubbaonthebeach@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 1d
Why would she hate you? Different can be attractive. Do your friends and family hate you? If you have something in particular that needs work, work on it. But if you are just your own unique individual, as we all are, own it and find the person out there that thinks you are attractive for being you.
ZDL@lazysoci.al · 26 pts · 1d
Trust your gut. If s/he is making you feel uncomfortable, even if you can't point to specifically what is wrong, if the final gut check says something is wrong, something is wrong. Get out.
Eq0@literature.cafe · 8 pts · 1d
And vice versa, when your gut tells you to go for it, that’s a good sign! (But you still want to use rationality to check)
Having friends to reality check situations of all types is a good idea. Just be truthful.
phanto@lemmy.ca · 19 pts · 1d
Don't chase the opposite sex. Chase interest. I didn't meet my wife by seeking my wife, I met her by having an interest, sharing that interest, and having a friend of a friend go, "I bet future Mrs phanto would find that interesting."
Eq0@literature.cafe · 10 pts · 1d
Complementary to this: chase a good life for yourself. Being happy where you are makes you appealing to others, both friends and potential partners.
strawberry_enjoyer42@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 5 pts · 1d
I agree wholeheartedly. Chasing the same sex is a hundred times better /silly
Good advice, though. I met someone that I share so many interests with, and can talk to for hours upon hours; I'll never grow tired of her. I think we're best friends, and that makes me even happier than being her lover.
Wren@lemmy.today · 5 pts · 1d
Some of us are gay.
meat@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 14 pts · 2d
Keep trying. Sometimes it's hard, but keep meeting new people and learning. Take a reasonable break when needed.
Wren@lemmy.today · 7 pts · 1d
I'm not saying this will work for you, but it always worked for me.
The first time I brought anyone to my place I'd ask if they wanted to see my collection of strange porn. No one ever said no, and if it didn't work out I stayed friends with all of them.
My favorite piece features the line "These aren't regular penises, these are roots of lust!" said in a demonic voice.
birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 14h
Damn you, now I'm curious what that is lmao. I don't really watch porn much, but sometimes there are really funny parts out there.
Wren@lemmy.today · 1 pts · 11h
I don't watch much either but there was a time I tried to get into it. Just my luck that I kept finding the strangest ones.
Like a documentary-style porn about farmgirls and farmhands to a light piano soundtrack with a little dog frolicking in the background the whole time.
Bubbaonthebeach@lemmy.ca · 7 pts · 1d
Put yourself out there. You will never find someone while sitting at home alone. You will get rejected. That isn't a bad thing. It means you need to keep looking. Think about who you really want to meet - not celebrity, not perfection, not fantasy. What qualities, values, interests, etc. should a REAL person have that would make a relationship worthwhile? What do you offer that could make a person interested in you? What do you need to work on to make yourself a better person?
Nefara@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 1d
I was a very data driven dater, and I found that if you're looking for a long term relationship then success looks like having common interests, common values, and common goals. Not all of them have to line up or be exactly the same, but there should be overlap and at least a lack of conflict in them. Common interests let you find ways to enjoy being together, common values help you make decisions that the each of you appreciate, empathize with and understand, and common goals mean that you are both working towards a future that the both of you will be happy with.
On dates I would ask questions that would get as much information about those things as I could.
Filetternavn@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 5 pts · 1d
Don't waste your time with apps. They're all designed to keep you coming back, and to make you pay for access to better matches, but they're incentivized to keep you from finding your true match, else they'd lose money from you. That and the plethora of issues on the apps themselves with bots, people who only want hookups, and so...so many bad matches. I met my current girlfriend at a bar, and I'm happier than I've ever been in a relationship. Ditch the apps.
birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 14h
Also to add, apps typically only match you with someone who just isn't a fit (same reason: to keep you have come back).
On top of that, dick pics. And if you're using the app, mildly disagree with something small and gauge their reaction.
Don't agree to meet at a home; but in public, at say, a cafe.
I don't entirely agree with the bar thingy - mainly because they're so loud and that's not suitable for everyone. But compared to an app, I guess..
Filetternavn@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 13h
Oh, I'm not recommending meeting people at a bar, honestly. I've had great luck with it as a trans woman in Seattle, but that's because every Tuesday is doll's night, where the bars I go to are flooded with trans women, and I love that. It's likely much better to meet people through shared hobbies, through friends, etc. All I recommend specifically against is using dating apps. It's much better to meet people organically and not give into the algorithms designed to keep you coming back.
velma@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 14h
Keep an open mind. Sometimes the most compatible people with you are found in unexpected places. Dating apps are not the be-all end-all of how to meet people, but they aren't useless either. They're just another way to connect with someone.
Know your personal deal breakers and honor them. Don't talk yourself out of hard-earned lessons from past relationships.
Malica@lemmy.zip · 2 pts · 11h
The truth will set you free
CultLeader4Hire@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 5h
It seems weird it needs to be said but vaginal dryness and genital numbing are signs of extreme stress, it’s your body yelling at you to stop having sex. It’s not a normal part of aging it’s not a normal part of being in a long term relationship it doesn’t mean you need to spice things up on the bedroom it means your body feels unsafe with that partner. It’s a serious red flag. I grew up in the 90s and am a very sex positive person but sex education is almost never focused on female pleasure just how things work from a mechanical perspective and safety but emotional safety matters too and dryness or numbness mean you’re not emotionally safe