It's cheese, with stuff added to it. The stuff being more milk and some shit to keep it solid at room temperature as well as shelf-stability. It's essentially a solidified cheese sauce. You can even make it at home.
Fun fact, the digestion of milk/cheese creates casomorphins from caesin, one of the most prominent peptides in milk. Casomorphins can activate opioid receptors. Giving a woman a slice of cheese might work in your benefit if she eats the cheese.
Wait, all opiods? If so does that man that heroin addicts could have a few slices of cheese and use less smack?
Gotta have the healthier option, ya know
A heroin addict is taking way more opioids than he would make endogenously from eating a piece of cheese. Cheese contains tryptophan, an amino acid that is a precursor to serotonin, a neurotransmitter associated with mood regulation.
It also contains tyrosine, which is a precursor to dopamine, another neurotransmitter involved in pleasure and reward. Additionally, cheese is high in fat, which can stimulate the release of endorphins, hormones that have mood-boosting effects. Cheese contains many ingredients that activates at least 3 signaling pathways involved in boosting mood.
That shoe one just reminded me that when we bought our house and had to start renovations on it, the attic had lots of women's shoes. Just one shoe from a pair and all different shoes. I have so many questions for the previous owner, but unfortunately they are no longer with us.
So, you steal a fancy cheese, right? Then you give it to your girlfriend. Then maybe she steals a fancy cheese that reminds her of you and passes it off. Now youve stolen each other fancy cheeses.
I like the idea that these are all steps to one process. Like, you gotta steal her shoe and some hair and pins, and the best distraction is with cheese.
I saw the reply in my inbox and had a reaction to "females" there, like "ugh, not one of THESE folks who still talk like that." Because I didn't remember the nature of this thread until I got back into the comments :)
Hard to understand geometry can inspire curiosity. Intrigue her by adding more complexity to your configuration!
2. Playfully interact with her as different people
Hate to break it to you, guys, but not having a personality isn't going to impress anyone. What will impress a lot of people is having 7, 8 or 9 different personalities that come and go as the mood changes.
3. Get close!
Close bonds often reflect a close geography, so try to be in the same room she's in as much as possible. If she wanders into the kitchen for a soda, wander in yourself to wash your hands. If she's talking to a friend in the hallway, talk to a different friend in the same hallway.
4. Be funny
Comedy can be extrapolated from this base formula:
P = ¬P
Such an expression being true would require the dissolution of all fundamental axioms of logic and reason, and is therefore funny. Try explaining this to her.
5. Be mysterious
Nothing is more sexy than a masked man of mystery. Show her how mysterious you are by playing ominous sounds while describing a job you don't know you have, and people you don't remember speaking to!
6. Be
The best way to make yourself available to a woman is to have an existential presence in our natural world.
7. Share the things you have in common
Impress her by ovulating with her!
8. Don't be afraid to be saucy
Demonstrate your wild side by flopping about or rubbing against nearby objects and furniture.
But don't get carried away. Being too floppy can be off-putting. Try to match her level of floppiness.
9. Gifts make the heart grow fonder
Gifts are a great way to establish a connection and to show how much you care. Try giving her the gift of self-love, or the depth of pure sadness. You could also teach her to be less co-dependent!
10. Try MDMA!
Ecstacy looks really weird in movies. This could be a great way to experience something new together!
I understand the user is using this as a shitpost but that doesn’t mean the original content was for sure satire. It could also just be written by an idiot. Shitposts and idiot generated content are not mutually exclusive.
I feel sorry for any guy dumb enough to try this. Also my friends mom when i was 13 vacuumed every day and rearranged all furniture and vacuumed behind everything once a week.
My wife always, always wanted pasta right before her period. It was always a good warning flag for her/us. So, this thread is a bit believable, …for me.
yeah it seems like one of those things where you'll probably almost definitely see some kind of behavioral change, but what specifically is basically completely up in the air. My chronic suicidal ideation will flare up really bad right before I begin menstruating. Having an IUD means menstruating a lot less but it also makes it less predictable. So I'll be in this deep dark hole for a few days that I would swear up and down is the worst I've ever felt and it's never gonna get any better then one morning I'm taking a piss and my boxers have blood on them and I'm just like "...ooooooh."
151 Comments
spiffynova@lemmy.world · 287 pts · 331d
We all know that won't work. Try this instead.
Kolanaki@pawb.social · 119 pts · 331d
"Are you ovulating? I have cheese if you are."
SpruceBringsteen@lemmy.world · 76 pts · 331d
lime@feddit.nu · 69 pts · 331d
no wonder it didn't work, that's not even cheese
Asidonhopo@lemmy.world · 20 pts · 331d
Nilered did a video on this, it's technically at least cheese-adjacent
https://youtu.be/0aGNAxN5Z-o
lime@feddit.nu · 25 pts · 331d
i mean, so is grass
Kolanaki@pawb.social · 12 pts · 330d
It's cheese, with stuff added to it. The stuff being more milk and some shit to keep it solid at room temperature as well as shelf-stability. It's essentially a solidified cheese sauce. You can even make it at home.
bitjunkie@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 330d
But why would you?
Kolanaki@pawb.social · 2 pts · 329d
Road trip nachos. The cheese only melts when you get into Death Valley.
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 2 pts · 330d
He failed though. Arrest him, and bring me someone taller.
Edit: or better at jump shots.
Remember_the_tooth@lemmy.world · 27 pts · 331d
To be fair, cheese works on most people, whether or not they're ovulating.
krunklom@lemmy.zip · -3 pts · 330d
The cheese is under my foreskin
Spezi@feddit.org · 40 pts · 330d
DharmaCurious@startrek.website · 15 pts · 330d
Would marry that farmer. No questions asked, no long engagement. Straight to the court house, we're getting hitched.
hovercat@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 15 pts · 330d
That's kind of an insane gift for a first date given how expensive cheese is.
LH0ezVT@sh.itjust.works · 12 pts · 330d
I mean, if he makes it himself or knows the people who do, he probably gets it a lot cheaper than at the store.
bitjunkie@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 330d
True love right there
kilgore_trout@feddit.it · -3 pts · 330d
Bro, plastic cheese…
Homesnatch@lemmy.world · 20 pts · 330d
Bro, that's cheese coated in wax.
oyo@lemmy.zip · 10 pts · 330d
It blows my mind that someone cool, intelligent, and attractive enough to read Vonnegut doesn't know such a basic cheese fact.
kilgore_trout@feddit.it · 4 pts · 330d
👉👈
Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de · 1 pts · 328d
i mean it does also seem to be wrapped in plastic
Washedupcynic@lemmy.ca · 28 pts · 331d
Fun fact, the digestion of milk/cheese creates casomorphins from caesin, one of the most prominent peptides in milk. Casomorphins can activate opioid receptors. Giving a woman a slice of cheese might work in your benefit if she eats the cheese.
Feathercrown@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 330d
I read that as "a slice of milk" and like. Technically yeah it's not wrong
JackFrostNCola@aussie.zone · 3 pts · 328d
Wait, all opiods? If so does that man that heroin addicts could have a few slices of cheese and use less smack? Gotta have the healthier option, ya know
Washedupcynic@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 328d
A heroin addict is taking way more opioids than he would make endogenously from eating a piece of cheese. Cheese contains tryptophan, an amino acid that is a precursor to serotonin, a neurotransmitter associated with mood regulation. It also contains tyrosine, which is a precursor to dopamine, another neurotransmitter involved in pleasure and reward. Additionally, cheese is high in fat, which can stimulate the release of endorphins, hormones that have mood-boosting effects. Cheese contains many ingredients that activates at least 3 signaling pathways involved in boosting mood.
kerrigan778@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 16 pts · 330d
Yeah but this one unironically works for a lot of women.
Etterra@discuss.online · 5 pts · 330d
Works for a lot of men too. I mean not me. I prefer mozzarella.
Sunschein@piefed.social · 15 pts · 331d
Idk, this piece of advice legitimately works on my wife.
BlueLineBae@midwest.social · 14 pts · 331d
That shoe one just reminded me that when we bought our house and had to start renovations on it, the attic had lots of women's shoes. Just one shoe from a pair and all different shoes. I have so many questions for the previous owner, but unfortunately they are no longer with us.
SolarMonkey@slrpnk.net · 5 pts · 330d
If they were all the same size, perhaps amputee?
Or maybe a really specific fetish.
Maybe both.
Quite possibly a question best left unanswered, at least until you no longer live there
Etterra@discuss.online · 2 pts · 330d
Maybe they robbed a shoe store. On displays they frequently leave one shoe from a pair so that stealing them just nets you a pile of left shoes lol
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 11 pts · 330d
My ex gf and i used to steal each other fancy cheeses. It was the most intense love i have ever felt.
DharmaCurious@startrek.website · 7 pts · 330d
My mom and I used to steal fancy cheese for each other. God I miss that woman like you can't believe. 10/10 mom and person.
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 4 pts · 330d
This made me cry.
DharmaCurious@startrek.website · 4 pts · 330d
Ha. She's one worth crying over. Lost her in April, and I don't know that I'll recover. Hug your loved ones. ♥️
But I will tell you, she taught me how to steal fantastic cheeses, and we never went hungry again. Haha.
icelimit@lemmy.ml · 3 pts · 330d
How do you steal each other fancy cheeses? Or steal fancy cheese from each other?
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 4 pts · 330d
So, you steal a fancy cheese, right? Then you give it to your girlfriend. Then maybe she steals a fancy cheese that reminds her of you and passes it off. Now youve stolen each other fancy cheeses.
icelimit@lemmy.ml · 4 pts · 330d
From where though? The fancy cheese store? Does every town have one of these for purposes of romantic theft?
bitjunkie@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 330d
It's called a fromagerie, pleb
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 2 pts · 330d
Wherever.
faythofdragons@slrpnk.net · 9 pts · 331d
I like the idea that these are all steps to one process. Like, you gotta steal her shoe and some hair and pins, and the best distraction is with cheese.
achance4cheese@sh.itjust.works · 8 pts · 330d
Fascinating
cypherpunks@lemmy.ml · 1 pts · 330d
🖖
also: username checks out
madjo@feddit.nl · 4 pts · 330d
I keep stealing shoes, and filling it with rue, but all it's given me are shouting matches
Etterra@discuss.online · 3 pts · 330d
I tried this with my fiance with a dairy allergy and now I'm single again.
krunklom@lemmy.zip · 2 pts · 330d
Bitches love cheddar
Aceticon@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 1 pts · 330d
The stinkier the cheese, the more the fascination!
kadaverin0@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 206 pts · 331d
Klear@quokk.au · 60 pts · 331d
That sounds like Strong Bad's alter ego.
Denjin@feddit.uk · 28 pts · 331d
The Cheat is vacuuming.
StupidBrotherInLaw@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 330d
The Cheat is ovulating.
CoryCoolguy@lemmy.myserv.one · 31 pts · 331d
No relation.
Venus_Ziegenfalle@feddit.org · 88 pts · 330d
In the unlikely event that she reacts poorly she might be on her period. You should ask her to make sure though.
LemmyThinkAboutIt@lemmy.zip · 31 pts · 330d
And if the woman happens to overreact to the period question, just politely tell her to calm down.
icelimit@lemmy.ml · 18 pts · 330d
If she doesn't, tell her she's acting crazy.
MajorasTerribleFate@lemmy.zip · 11 pts · 330d
Bonus points if you instead say she is being hysterical.
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 330d
Some females respond better to positive reinforcement. Ask her to give you a little spin/twirl to break the tension and get her moving.
MajorasTerribleFate@lemmy.zip · 6 pts · 330d
I saw the reply in my inbox and had a reaction to "females" there, like "ugh, not one of THESE folks who still talk like that." Because I didn't remember the nature of this thread until I got back into the comments :)
Aceticon@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 8 pts · 330d
... not forgetting to add a term of endearement, such as "sweetie", "honey" or "babe".
bitjunkie@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 330d
I think "toots" has been overlooked in this comment
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 19 pts · 330d
Yeah i always take stock and usually calm down when a guy im arguing with points that out.
Zozano@aussie.zone · 70 pts · 330d
prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 17 pts · 330d
Please complete forn 69-J (in triplicate) if you'd like to grab dinner.
cows_are_underrated@feddit.org · 9 pts · 330d
Sex has to be announced 2 weeks prior using the relevant form.
ArsonButCute@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 7 pts · 330d
69-J?
Did you fill out and submit duplicates of your Unsubtle Innuendo Requisition Request Form?
angrystego@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 330d
You definitely need to get Permit A 38 first.
Lemminary@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 330d
You know what, I think I'll file my taxes instead.
MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca · 14 pts · 330d
Oh. Can I see the abstractly list?
Sounds fun
daggermoon@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 330d
I was also curious about the abstractly. Release the list.
petrol_sniff_king@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 12 pts · 330d
I found this one.
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 330d
You probably saved the whole date/relationship right at the end there.
TheRealLinga@sh.itjust.works · 5 pts · 330d
release the abstractly files
LH0ezVT@sh.itjust.works · 5 pts · 330d
I want to know how to maliciously flirt. Hey sexy, want to come to my place and stick your fingers in the power outlet?
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 330d
Negging, maybe?
"Damn, you vacuum so well... for an ovulating female."
That kind of thing.
rob_t_firefly@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 330d
Tell her "three yellow squares in a row, and beneath them a big purple circle." Next thing you know, you're being passionately shagged.
Ramenator@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 330d
Shagged or stabbed?
MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 330d
For some, there's little difference.
TheBat@lemmy.world · 63 pts · 331d
Cruxifux@feddit.nl · 56 pts · 331d
This has to be satire.
wander1236@sh.itjust.works · 52 pts · 331d
There's no way that last sentence especially isn't satire
AdolfSchmitler@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 331d
I thought so too until I went to the website and I still couldn't tell :/
Cruxifux@feddit.nl · 7 pts · 330d
There’s lots of really fucking stupid people out there so who knows.
thrawn@piefed.social · 6 pts · 330d
It’s not. It’s from 2008 and the site is still posting weird shit now.
Here’s an archive of this particular tip, the others are cringe too. So are the comments
Edit: there was a dating tips newsletter too
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 3 pts · 330d
It's not. This has worked on me four times.
Walk_blesseD@piefed.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 330d
I am once again asking lemmy users to check what community they're in before commenting
Cruxifux@feddit.nl · 8 pts · 330d
I understand the user is using this as a shitpost but that doesn’t mean the original content was for sure satire. It could also just be written by an idiot. Shitposts and idiot generated content are not mutually exclusive.
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · -7 pts · 330d
You can't really expect consciousness from straight cis men.
Electricd@lemmybefree.net · 5 pts · 330d
A bit of sexism, wouldn't be funny otherwise, right?
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · -5 pts · 330d
Yeah thats absolutely what that is. You're so good at reading.
ileftreddit@piefed.social · 50 pts · 331d
db2@lemmy.world · 17 pts · 331d
It's typo progressive for him. He's the "your wife shouldn't get wet" type.
Edit: autocorrect fail in the worst/best way there
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 7 pts · 330d
Dont get her wet, don't feed her after midnight. Hes very strict about rules for his wife.
LookBehindYouNowAndThen@lemmy.world · 46 pts · 331d
Sounds condescending. Why not just compliment her ovipositor?
BeigeAgenda@lemmy.ca · 28 pts · 331d
Madam, my compliments to your ovaries 🎩💪🏼🥚🙇
Denjin@feddit.uk · 26 pts · 331d
My dear, your claoca looks especially receptive this fine evening.
Ceedoestrees@lemmy.world · 14 pts · 331d
Why, thank you, I've just been to the remora. And might I say what a stable dorsal fin you have.
bitjunkie@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 330d
Pretty sure that's my first gag-upvote. Thanks, I guess.
ThrowawayPermanente@sh.itjust.works · 41 pts · 330d
Community Note: This is actually bad advice that will get you stabbed
ToiletFlushShowerScream@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 330d
You're right, and I find it hilarious that this needs to be noted.
Malfeasant@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 329d
Can confirm, was stabbed.
dis_honestfamiliar@lemmy.sdf.org · 40 pts · 330d
Oh yeah. Zero chance of back fire. Zero. Had sex all my life - once with a women. Trust me.
Noodle07@lemmy.world · 23 pts · 330d
Stop bragging
WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today · 36 pts · 330d
This is like when you teach someone that a swear is a greeting in a foreign language
MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca · 12 pts · 330d
🖕 peace among worlds!
CheerfulPassionFruit@lemmy.world · 35 pts · 331d
The sad thing is that some people will take this advice.
blarghly@lemmy.world · 38 pts · 331d
What's sad about learning something new and getting laid?
Denjin@feddit.uk · 28 pts · 331d
Please fertilise my egg, I just vacuumed.
blarghly@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 331d
Certainly, m'lady!
CheerfulPassionFruit@lemmy.world · 17 pts · 331d
I sincerely hope you're /s ing.
blarghly@lemmy.world · 23 pts · 331d
Lol. I hoped that would be obvious.
thomasloven@lemmy.world · 16 pts · 331d
Hi. Welcome to the Internet.
chatokun@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 4 pts · 330d
Have a look around 🎶
Cruxifux@feddit.nl · 8 pts · 331d
Kids these days don’t remember the internet before /s, where you had to use context to tell of someone was being sarcastic or not.
Mouselemming@sh.itjust.works · 5 pts · 330d
And some woman will have a good laugh and a narrow escape
ValiantDust@feddit.org · 30 pts · 331d
Yes, please do that. So we are immediately aware that we should get away as fast as possible.
itslola@lemmy.world · 29 pts · 330d
TIL I ovulate every Sunday 😂😅
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 11 pts · 330d
Where the fuck do you keep all the eggs? Do you have a walk in fridge?
madjo@feddit.nl · 7 pts · 330d
In europe we store our eggs unrefrigerated
outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 1 pts · 330d
The chicken ones, sure, but are all your climates mild enough that they hatch like that?
iii@mander.xyz · 4 pts · 330d
Congrats! 🎉🎉🌻
StupidBrotherInLaw@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 330d
Every day here and I don't even have ovaries!
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 330d
Possibly like "false pregnancy" in dogs?
StupidBrotherInLaw@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 330d
I'm in heat thanks to climate change.
shalafi@lemmy.world · 25 pts · 331d
Rings true to me. My wife never vacuums and is past menopause.
Etterra@discuss.online · 21 pts · 330d
Not sure if AI or just incredibly stupid.
entropicdrift@lemmy.sdf.org · 26 pts · 330d
Pretty sure it's a joke.
Etterra@discuss.online · 20 pts · 330d
We live in a post irony world and I literally can't tell the difference without knowing the source.
glitch1985@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 330d
Why not both?
Etterra@discuss.online · 3 pts · 330d
Of course, I forgot answer C. All of the above.
cows_are_underrated@feddit.org · 19 pts · 330d
We all love some good ol' mansplainimg.
Lemminary@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 330d
I have a sudden urge to vacuum, and without ovaries! 😍
SoloCritical@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 329d
Vacuuming? Are you ovulating or something?
RagingRobot@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 329d
So you just like to suck then? ;)
thebudman420@lemmy.world · 18 pts · 331d
I feel sorry for any guy dumb enough to try this. Also my friends mom when i was 13 vacuumed every day and rearranged all furniture and vacuumed behind everything once a week.
StarvingMartist@sh.itjust.works · 30 pts · 331d
Wow what a cycle that must have sucked
omniman@anarchist.nexus · 18 pts · 331d
if i fill her in will she respectfully become my gf ?
BottleCaptain@feddit.nl · 11 pts · 331d
No, for that you have to fill her up.
omniman@anarchist.nexus · 11 pts · 331d
Fill her up with love 🥺👉👈
And009@lemmynsfw.com · 1 pts · 330d
Few squirts of liquid love
omniman@anarchist.nexus · 1 pts · 330d
Real
QuoVadisHomines@sh.itjust.works · 17 pts · 331d
This is for betas. It says so in the upper right corner.
Formfiller@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 330d
Damn I guess I’ve never ovulated in my life
betterdeadthanreddit@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 331d
"No, stop, where are you going? I have it on very good authority that you enjoy this!"
Gork@sopuli.xyz · 11 pts · 331d
This must be why the site is still in Beta
hexabs@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 331d
I'm surprised they fought the urge to stay alpha forever
LolaCat@lemmy.ca · 9 pts · 331d
Poe's law
Geodad@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 330d
MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca · 1 pts · 330d
Username is definitely relevant. :)
I would consider your comment to be far more truthful and accurate than what is pictured in the OP.
Have a good day.
MyDogLovesMe@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 331d
My wife always, always wanted pasta right before her period. It was always a good warning flag for her/us. So, this thread is a bit believable, …for me.
toynbee@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 331d
I pretty much always want pasta... Maybe I'm always experiencing menses.
ethaver@kbin.earth · 6 pts · 330d
yeah it seems like one of those things where you'll probably almost definitely see some kind of behavioral change, but what specifically is basically completely up in the air. My chronic suicidal ideation will flare up really bad right before I begin menstruating. Having an IUD means menstruating a lot less but it also makes it less predictable. So I'll be in this deep dark hole for a few days that I would swear up and down is the worst I've ever felt and it's never gonna get any better then one morning I'm taking a piss and my boxers have blood on them and I'm just like "...ooooooh."
mere@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 5 pts · 330d
hang on, I feel there could be false positives there. Did she ever want pasta when she wasn't on her period?
Sam_Bass@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 331d
Suckers gonna suck
Winter_Oven@piefed.social · 1 pts · 331d
Feels like an example of crabs in a bucket