No plagues, no zombies, no demons. All these things are supposed to come before the rapture part. The rapture is literally the last part, not the first. It happens on the 7th trumpet blast.
There have been plagues and demons for sure. Some of these politicians are definitely demons in skin suits.
I just don't know about zombies. But we are close.
It's all the missing prostitutes from around the world, which is either heartwarming or horrifying depending on your level of trust in theoretical God.
There is some wild pastor (from south Africa?) who "dreamt that jesus is coming. Soon." Apparently it's tomorrow to thursday. And then there is some sort of tribulation for 3.5 or 7 years or whatever.
There is going to be lots of people "disappearing" during those two days, according to all this bullshit.
Occurring over a couple of days? Guess that finally answers my question on whether the rapture would happen planet-wide all at once, or go by time zones.
Then every time the rapture doesn't happen, it's like these people have an integrated Memory Reset Button, so they don't have to PUSH and modify their beliefs and superstitions, I mean... god forbid, that would require... (shudder)... making an effort. And we can't have THAT, now can we?
Ah that sucks! I got halfway up and my beam started sputtering, letting me go a little, and struggling to pull me up again. An angel flew down to warn me there could only be one person per beam due to weight constraints and realized it was just me.
They slowly lowered me back down, stuttering the whole way. Dropped me the last 5ft, than I heard a booming voice from the sky say "No fatties".
It sucks that the beams were calibrated for the average human body weight 2000 years ago. Apparently they weren't kidding when they made gluttony a sin.
Just leave me behind. Thinking about it someone needs to do a pro rapture movie where all the people left behind live in peace now that god has taken them all away. Can you imagine the shit that would get thrown around by these dipshits if that movie hit the net?
Turns out a lot of them were in Gaza, they left behind more than their clothes however
maybe we can reconcile this with a metempsychosis model of rapture ?
Technically not supposed to happen until the horns sound in Jerusalem, which will happen at sundown. I think we have a little bit longer before we can really mock these morons.
77 Comments
ininewcrow@lemmy.ca · 119 pts · 360d
My favourite theory of the rapture
It already happened .... no one noticed because no one was taken up.
Ryktes@lemmy.world · 36 pts · 360d
Isn't the rapture supposed to be like... the first step of the apocalypse? Cause I'm lookin around at the state of things right now and uh....
MeatPilot@lemmy.world · 15 pts · 360d
Yup, the skull fucking imps will be a part of the first wave of demons. Should get used to wearing helmets now to protect your skull.
interdimensionalmeme@lemmy.ml · 11 pts · 360d
Also known as the skussy
swab148@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 4 pts · 360d
Hell yeah it is
UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml · 2 pts · 359d
卄乇ㄥㄥ ㄚ乇卂卄
ignotum@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 360d
Mediocre_Bard@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 358d
MeatPilot@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 358d
Don't wear a hat and keep your ears clean.
Kolanaki@pawb.social · 5 pts · 360d
No plagues, no zombies, no demons. All these things are supposed to come before the rapture part. The rapture is literally the last part, not the first. It happens on the 7th trumpet blast.
Ryktes@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 360d
We got covid, krok addicts, and republicans, it's close enough.
DrSoap@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 359d
There have been plagues and demons for sure. Some of these politicians are definitely demons in skin suits. I just don't know about zombies. But we are close.
FreshParsnip@lemmy.ca · 22 pts · 360d
Or so few people were taken up that it just amounted to a few missing person's cases
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 11 pts · 360d
It's all the missing prostitutes from around the world, which is either heartwarming or horrifying depending on your level of trust in theoretical God.
altphoto@lemmy.today · 4 pts · 360d
May I offer you my very warm hole for a few minutes? Its only $5.99! Its for a good cause!
MNByChoice@midwest.social · 17 pts · 360d
With a hard cap of 144,000 in Heaven, the rapture happened already.
supersquirrel@sopuli.xyz · 49 pts · 360d
HECK YES LETS GET RAPTORED AF
reads closer
Wait what?
::: spoiler raptor sauce
https://www.artstation.com/artwork/qYY5L :::
RedSeries@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 40 pts · 360d
I got raptured but forgot I left the oven on so I came back and now they won't let me back in.
Asafum@feddit.nl · 8 pts · 360d
(in a booming voice from the sky)
"Sorry, the bus already left and I didn't have enough money to pay for a second trip. Try again next rapture."
T00l_shed@lemmy.world · 27 pts · 360d
I missed something were we supposed to be raptured today?
IndridCold@lemmy.ca · 26 pts · 360d
Not you.
T00l_shed@lemmy.world · 17 pts · 360d
Fuck... I had it in my calendar for next Tuesday
IndridCold@lemmy.ca · 10 pts · 360d
On the plus side, you can feed my cat now.
T00l_shed@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 360d
I will abduction your cat
IndridCold@lemmy.ca · 8 pts · 360d
His name is Bitey. He's very sweet but don't get your face too close.
T00l_shed@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 360d
I wanted extra facial piercings
ChonkyLincoln@lemmy.zip · 4 pts · 359d
Still a better love story than Twilight
prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 13 pts · 360d
I wish... Would probably solve the American fascism problem overnight when all the Christians vanish
DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social · 7 pts · 360d
Okay but then the real Christians are gone and all that's left are the Christofascists
icelimit@lemmy.ml · 5 pts · 360d
What would their excuse then be?
Confused_Emus@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 5 pts · 360d
God selected them to prepare the earth for Christ’s return after the years of tribulation. Or some bullshit like that.
icelimit@lemmy.ml · 3 pts · 360d
Shit, we best bend over and do what they say then
prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 4 pts · 360d
I hate to break it to you...
DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social · 3 pts · 360d
I know, but I didn't want you to get your hopes too high
Valmond@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 360d
There is some wild pastor (from south Africa?) who "dreamt that jesus is coming. Soon." Apparently it's tomorrow to thursday. And then there is some sort of tribulation for 3.5 or 7 years or whatever.
There is going to be lots of people "disappearing" during those two days, according to all this bullshit.
I can't wait 🥱😴
Confused_Emus@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 7 pts · 360d
Occurring over a couple of days? Guess that finally answers my question on whether the rapture would happen planet-wide all at once, or go by time zones.
kbobabob@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 3 pts · 360d
The real rapture will be over in a few hours once all of the bombs have gone off.
T00l_shed@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 360d
Thank you! I was genuinely curious what happened
ericatty@infosec.pub · 5 pts · 360d
Maybe you, but definitely not me.
T00l_shed@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 360d
Jooooin ussss
Tollana1234567@lemmy.today · 18 pts · 359d
evangelicals obsession with the raptures, when they havnt done any good in society.
niktemadur@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 359d
Then every time the rapture doesn't happen, it's like these people have an integrated Memory Reset Button, so they don't have to PUSH and modify their beliefs and superstitions, I mean... god forbid, that would require... (shudder)... making an effort. And we can't have THAT, now can we?
UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml · 5 pts · 359d
They said sorry to their imaginary friend for all the bad things they always do. One heaven please! 🙏
IndridCold@lemmy.ca · 15 pts · 360d
I got raptured but I was hung up on my bedsheets and just floated in the bedroom for 20 minutes. I guess I'll have to catch the next one.
MeatPilot@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 360d
Ah that sucks! I got halfway up and my beam started sputtering, letting me go a little, and struggling to pull me up again. An angel flew down to warn me there could only be one person per beam due to weight constraints and realized it was just me.
They slowly lowered me back down, stuttering the whole way. Dropped me the last 5ft, than I heard a booming voice from the sky say "No fatties".
jimmux@programming.dev · 5 pts · 360d
It sucks that the beams were calibrated for the average human body weight 2000 years ago. Apparently they weren't kidding when they made gluttony a sin.
Itdidnttrickledown@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 359d
Just leave me behind. Thinking about it someone needs to do a pro rapture movie where all the people left behind live in peace now that god has taken them all away. Can you imagine the shit that would get thrown around by these dipshits if that movie hit the net?
ShaggySnacks@lemmy.myserv.one · 10 pts · 360d
I remember being sucked up a beam of light and two
aliensangels welcomed me. Then I woke up in my bed with no memory. Was I raptured?IndridCold@lemmy.ca · 11 pts · 360d
How does your anus feel?
ininewcrow@lemmy.ca · 10 pts · 360d
They felt the power of the Lord inside them
ShaggySnacks@lemmy.myserv.one · 7 pts · 360d
A little tender however I had spicy food last night.
frezik@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 9 pts · 360d
Can we circle back and reschedule the rapture for next week? Carrie is on vacation and we need her input.
bigbabybilly@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 359d
Skipped over again. Thank god.
random_character_a@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 360d
I just ruptured.
grasshopper_mouse@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 360d
I was very disappointed at the gym this morning when I realized I didn't have it all to myself.
chuckleslord@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 360d
BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today · 7 pts · 359d
I hope it's a lot of them. Religious psychos are a scourge on humanity. The fewer the better.
ICastFist@programming.dev · 7 pts · 359d
I'm at work, so I probably got sent to hell
mathemachristian@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 7 pts · 359d
I don't think I w
FreshParsnip@lemmy.ca · 7 pts · 360d
It would be good if all the hypocrites who preach about how christlike they are would go away
MNByChoice@midwest.social · 4 pts · 360d
They all are disqualified for praying in public. Shouldn't have done that.
Also, presuming to tell God what is what, and vanity.
interdimensionalmeme@lemmy.ml · 7 pts · 360d
Turns out a lot of them were in Gaza, they left behind more than their clothes however maybe we can reconcile this with a metempsychosis model of rapture ?
cowfodder@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 360d
Technically not supposed to happen until the horns sound in Jerusalem, which will happen at sundown. I think we have a little bit longer before we can really mock these morons.
Blackmist@feddit.uk · 5 pts · 360d
Me.
...
I got better.
Corporal_Punishment@feddit.uk · 4 pts · 360d
Shit, I missed it. I guess I'm stuck here now
SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 360d
Who up rapturing their it?
Stern@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 360d
I chose not to and made a few bucks for petwatching
Zannsolo@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 359d
Cornflake@pawb.social · 3 pts · 360d
Simulation6@sopuli.xyz · 3 pts · 359d
The rapture happened and all I got was this stupid t-shirt
FreddiesLantern@leminal.space · 3 pts · 358d
Leviticus commands us to stone the false prophets.
These assholes are just out for free weed.
LemmyKnowsBest@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 358d
All the false prophets are currently unavailable for comment because they've been high AF the last couple days.
PolydoreSmith@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 359d
Lemme tell ya, I have never been more raptured!
Props on the username, OP
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 360d
✋
Asidonhopo@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 360d
I feel like I may have had a near-miss
Zoomboingding@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 359d
Maybe next time
A_Chilean_Cyborg@feddit.cl · 2 pts · 359d
I had to get out of bed to go to work, does that count?
WanderWisley@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 360d
Not me I’ve been sinning since the 90’s.
Nikls94@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 359d
I got rap[tur]ed again
gon@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 2 pts · 360d
Yes! I did get swiftly kicked out.
SuDmit@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 1 pts · 357d
Apparently this person https://vger.to/piefed.world/post/496315