Do you still believe in having friends despite there being long, long gaps of time between the last time you communicated or hung out?

The older you get the faster time flies and the more responsibilities you have.

Reconnecting can be a real treasure or a sad discovery that you have grown in different directions that no longer mesh in a way you want to continue.

I’m also noticing that in your post you only mention being reached out to, not reaching out. The phone works in both directions.

I can meet up with an old friend after years and years but pick up right where we left off.

Sure we aren't as close as we were in high school, when we would spend almost every weekend hanging out together, but we're definitely still friends. They certainly aren't strangers.

Growing up means having your friends move away, start families or go down different paths. You see people less often and plans are harder to arrange. But you still share fond memories of the time you spent together.

Edit: Also, as someone in my 30s, I would also say from experience that adult friendships take more effort in general. Unlike in our school days, scheduling becomes difficult because everyone has a different work and home life. It's extremely easy to get caught up in the daily routine of going to work and coming home and chilling out with family or roommates.

I haven't always been the best at this personally, but if you feel lonely or like you aren't seeing your friends enough, I recommend being taking the initiative and being proactive about setting up things to do with people.

I don't think "friends" works well as a binary yes/no. There are many different kinds of friends, Some people are like cacti and only need to be watered once a year. Other people are like... I'm not a gardener, but some other kind of plant that needs frequent watering. Some are weeds that will take over your entire home. This metaphor got away from me a little.

Personally, I follow a strategy of "when you have the energy, demonstrate the behavior you want to see." So if you have the juice to handle an unsatisfying outcome, reach out to them like you'd want to be reached out to. Invite them to a party. Send them a funny meme. Whatever. They might flake. They might not respond. But you only do this when you can handle that disappointment. If someone's been real flakey and you just can't deal with it, you don't have to go the extra mile for them.

I'm a childless, perma-bachelor now at an age where most of my peers are married and have children. I see a majority of my friends only a couple times a year, but it's still worth it.

I don't see the issue. I have a friend I hang out with once a year for a day and we don't talk eachother a single word for the remaining time.

Yes. Sometimes a friendship cannot handle time but sometimes it can. Life can get busy, especially when you have a family and a job and volunteering.

Also, time compresses as you age. A week is a long time as a kid but a decade can go by in a blink of an eye when you're older.

This reminds me, I need to set up a lunch with someone.

it's what you make of it.

some folks feel hurt and betrayed if you don't text them every other hour. some don't care if you don't talk to them for years.

I hadn’t talked to a once super close friend in 3 years and hadn’t seen him in 6 and he just died . Just got back from his funeral across the country. Lots of regret in not catching up more often. I didn’t know had life had fallen apart and he didn’t reach out either. Stay in touch but even if years go by still be friends (unless of course they’re toxic, etc.)

Being an adult comes with a lot of schedule conflicts, and time flies. I have plenty of friends who I won't speak to for years, and then we'll randomly pick back up like nothing ever happened. When the stars align, our schedules might sync up and we hang out more frequently for a while, and then things will change and we won't see each other for years again. Still good friends though

If when you see each other it brings a smile to your faces you are still friends no matter how much time passed.

I’m basically the same way. If they have gone for an entire year and there isn’t even so hello. Then as far as I’m concerned, they don’t care about the friendship. Now there’s obviously exceptions to that. Like if they are deployed in the Military and for a very long period of time they can’t really communicate. OK, that might be understandable. But even in the military you are (generally) allowed letters or something.

But barring something extraordinary like that, yeah, as far as I’m concerned, they don’t care about the friendship. I’ll give them a year maybe two tops. After that, I don’t bother calling them again. I have one individual who used to be a great friend. But that person hasn’t called or visited in 25+ years. before that, I was the only one who ever called. So as far as I’m concerned, they don’t care about the friendship.

100% cope for people who only care about who they are having sex with, the results of that sex (their children), and other people who can advance their careers.

These are hollow people for whom friendship has zero value except as entertainment while you are conveniently located.

They are also the vast majority of the public.

My friends from high school and I always pick up right where we left off no matter how many years it's been. We're all in our 40s now, and it's not easy to schedule get togethers.

Other friends have come and gone for various reasons, but the best, oldest friends don't care how long it's been.

I'm fortunate that my two closest friends have been close friends since elementary school. At one point we all lived in different states but were still active through gaming, chatting, and meeting up for various events. Now I work with one and travel with the other.

I have a third friend I consider a friend even though I've seen him a couple times in the past 10 years and communicated just a bit more. We've all been in each other's weddings. I'd say that our past experiences through school and having lived together has built relationships that I'll always consider friendship unless something significantly changes.

I have a bunch of people I may just call buddies or acquaintances because the bonds weren't as close and communication has all but gone away.

if we were on good terms the last time I have seen someone then we will be on good terms when we meet again. Why would that not be so?

I don't have many friends. Most of the friends I have I see about once a year. Seems to work fine, not much happens anyway so its not like we spend 8 hours going through all the events. Its more like one major event and a few smaller ones, then its just shooting the shit.

But if I don't see or hear from someone in ten years and they don't respond to my contact attempts or respond in a way that makes me think they are not interested, then those are not my friends.

Highly dependent on the people involved. My oldest friend I've known since high school. We'll occasionally send a meme back and forth but he'd never even met my kids until they were in their teens. We live far apart. But when my dad passed and I needed his help with something, he dropped everything and drove 6 hours round trip to be there. I probably see him or have a substantive conversation with him once or twice a year.

The Alchemists had an idea on this. In order to test if something is "real" you need to leave it someplace for an extended period of time. When you come back, if it's still the same as when you left it, that means it's "real".

You ever have a friend, maybe a best friend, where you would hang out with a lot but there would occasionally be some long gaps between seeing each other, but when you get back together it feels like you never left? You could almost say your friendship is still the same as when you left it.

But to your point, you define what a "friend" is differently. To you, and "friend" is sometime you physically see a lot. So if someone doesn't see you much, then you don't consider them a friend. I just define what a "friend" is differently than you. I do not require constant physical contact to consider someone a friend.

Time has no bearing on friendship for me, we can have gaps for years and still pick up where we left off. There are only a couple things that can kill a friendship for me.

Them directly saying they don't want to be friends or don't like hanging out with me. Happened once or maybe twice, and it was for the best.

I find out they are a terrible person. Lost a few to maga or internet manly man bullshit.

I try not to overthink friendships because people are complicated and the most important thing is getting together sometimes and being supportive of each other.

There is a thing called 'relationship decay'. Some people experience it as rapid, some slower, some nearly no decay. I suspect some relationships are the same way. I've a lot of friends who I only see once or twice a year, or less, and yet when we do get together it's still an intensely powerful and connected relationship, e.g. for a week or two at a seminar. And then we go home to our usual circumstance, "see ya next year."

Life stuff happens as you get older. Jobs, moves, marriages, kids. Time becomes shorter. There isn't as much time for the things you describe. But I still have one or two friends from my early teens and even now, as I stare down the barrel of the big five-oh, we can not see each other for months or even years and then we speak and it's like it's 1993 again and we're all the same people, just a bit greyer and fatter.

It just works with a few select people for me. I've met up with a couple of ones after a decade of almost silence, maybe a DM here or there. But as soon as you get together again it immediately feels like the old times. But those are certainly the exceptions. Some people just change too drastically or in away that is no longer compatible.

Also, even with the people I click in that way, it's still usually years in-between we see each other these days. People have kids or other projects now and live far away. But it's great every time we finally manage to meet up again.

True friendship can live forever without being tended.

Maybe meditating on The Serenity Prayer can help.