She's a keeper. You're lucky. She's letting you know what irritates her, and how to avoid aggravating her again and also providing a way to make it up to her. This is the way to a harmonious life.
edit i think my viewpoint might be because my parents were both born in the early 1950s and very much reinforce the "boomer" stereotypes. i think both people in a partnership should be happy, to be clear.
i like this, it removes the "traditional" gender expectations from the saying, while also bringing any other members of the immediate family into the equation.
There's truth in the saying though, since doing something nice to someone else feels good. And if that someone is a loved one, who you likely spend a lot of your time with/around, then that feeling is amplified.
Also it's much more fun to spend time with people who are in a good mood than them being in a sour one.
He isn't a keeper though, how the fuck do you eat chocolate in a way where it gets all over where you're eating it? I've had chocolate and just about any other food while in bed and black out drunk and never gotten any stains on the bedclothes.
i wonder how much extra stress access to instant non-verbal communication has added to humanity. like for thousands of years you could only talk to someone face to face or wait three months for a letter to arrive. we never really had to try and translate someone's intent without the aid of vocal tone and body language until pretty recently.
I know someone who received a phone call in the morning to ask if they were actually cool with their husband taking a trip across the country with him. Ruined her whole day. Couldnt go to work because she didnt want to cry in the office. She knew about the vacation and was fine with it. Still not entirely sure how that ruined her day, but it did.
But she previously knew about the vacation and was fine with it. I'm not sure how the friend asking if she was cool with the husband going triggering a tantrum.
Like, I'm usually pretty good at understanding the underlying drive of these kinds of emotional maturity failures, but it's really not clear exactly what she's upset about.
your problem is you are trying to understand an irrational emotion coming from a crazy/immature person. they don't need reasons or logic, they just have feelings they can't control and blame other people for making them feel that way.
they don't question why they feel a way... they simple hate people who make them feel bad.
that's awesome. it can take a lot of courage to be blunt, even if you're very close to someone. i always have that voice in the back of my head going "was i too blunt? what if i offended them? what if they hate me now?" etc etc, even when i'm trying to be polite.
I'll bite. I could have seen myself doing something like this before I was put on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. The reasoning was I would have invented some kind story in my head that ACTUALLY my husband is going on this trip because he HATES ME. Or maybe he's cheating. Or or or or- and it would have spiraled out from there until I was in tears. It sucked, and I am still sometimes kind of shocked I survived long enough to get treatment.
Not saying that's what happened here of course, but I could empathize.
you get it. glad you found something that helps, took me a while to find a med combo that worked to help me "logic" my way through the emotions. they're still there, but i'm able to bitch slap them into submission more easily.
Usually when someone is contacting someone else while working on making peace with their feelings about that person's behavior, it's because they want to have a discussion with them about it. It's unusual for it to be a one-and-done text without expectation of a response. But if a response is expected, it's then unusual to follow up that text with another concerning a completely different topic. If I were in this situation, I'd find it hard to begin a discussion about her annoyance, which is valid and deserves to be explored, when the current topic is now a winery van.
I somwtimes eat in bed but if I do it's stuff like hard candy or nuts or something like that. Basically things that don't leave crumbs or anything behind.
Ok. I'm going to help you out. I'll take your messy wife, and I'll also be messy with her. We'll eat chocolate in bed. We'll leave trash in the shower. And burp in the car.
LPT: If you are not sure how to treat the situation because you are not sure if they're mad or not, make them mad. Now you'll know how to handle the situation. Consistency is the key to relationships!
So let me get this straight. People complain when their gf gets mad over little things like chocolate in bed. They also complain when she doesnt. Wtf?
Wish my wife would tell me if something bothered her this calmly instead of bottling it up until she bursts and gets angry. Im no better just to be clear.
Ask her regularly if something is bothering her, or if there's something you can do to make her day better.
Also, reflect on if there's something you do that makes it hard for her to tell you her issues with you (body language, sighing, removing yourself, getting defensive...)
Maybe she just finds it hard to bother others with her problems, asking directly makes it easier.
And maybe you're unconsciously communicating to her that she should leave you alone with her problems.
Anyway, the goal is to show her you're by her side, tackling problems as a team. Not opposite her.
I mean this is sound advice that can go wrong if you hace the emotional intelligence of a doorknob (whicgmh is a lot of people, mostly men). Don't just ask "is something botheribg you" so dryly and regularly you becomw whafs bothering her, but open lines of communication where you make it clear that you're trying to improve your communication and then genuinely check in on her. Dont just ask if something is bothwring her, but find out how shes been and what may be adding stress into her life. Don't immediately seek to fix it, but try to understand if she just needs to vent stress or if there are issues you can tsckle together. If an issue is identified, remember it is you and her vs the issue, not you vs her.
by the time someone tells you directly they are annoyed by something you have done, it’s gone past the “ i don’t like it but i’m going to just deal with it” stage.
I read that as she’s annoyed at the chocolate stain+mess in the bed that shouldn't be done ever again, and as forgiveness of the annoyance, Jared can rent a van for a group winery as an apology.
She typed “annoyed,” not “mad, angry, frustrated, pissed” etc..
I am not sure Jared's gf diction is. I am particular on how I word things. If it was my bed sheets, yeah, it's something I could see myself forgiving a partner for. It’s just bed sheets, we can pick others, or repaint.
But if I loved you more than a stupid stain, sure let's get drunk, you pay.
98 Comments
bluegreenpurplepink@lemmy.world · 163 pts · 198d
She's a keeper. You're lucky. She's letting you know what irritates her, and how to avoid aggravating her again and also providing a way to make it up to her. This is the way to a harmonious life.
2piradians@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 197d
Or she came up with a goal--and an annoyance to help drive it.
udon@lemmy.world · 19 pts · 197d
this is the fucked up comment
buggybug@sh.itjust.works · 13 pts · 197d
this is the meow meow comment. meow!
udon@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 197d
this is the correct comment
kieron115@startrek.website · 5 pts · 197d
"happy wife happy life" seems so.. antiquated though.
edit i think my viewpoint might be because my parents were both born in the early 1950s and very much reinforce the "boomer" stereotypes. i think both people in a partnership should be happy, to be clear.
other_cat@piefed.zip · 9 pts · 197d
the only antiquated part is 'wife.'
Happy Spouse, Happy House
python@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 197d
kieron115@startrek.website · 3 pts · 197d
i like this, it removes the "traditional" gender expectations from the saying, while also bringing any other members of the immediate family into the equation.
chiliedogg@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 197d
How so? I derive great joy from bringing joy to my loved ones. Love and happiness is greater when shared with others.
Famko@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 197d
There's truth in the saying though, since doing something nice to someone else feels good. And if that someone is a loved one, who you likely spend a lot of your time with/around, then that feeling is amplified.
Also it's much more fun to spend time with people who are in a good mood than them being in a sour one.
Typotyper@sh.itjust.works · 4 pts · 197d
See I missed that...I'm also divorced
M137@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 197d
He isn't a keeper though, how the fuck do you eat chocolate in a way where it gets all over where you're eating it? I've had chocolate and just about any other food while in bed and black out drunk and never gotten any stains on the bedclothes.
gustofwind@lemmy.world · 74 pts · 198d
I dunno she pretty clearly said she’s annoyed which sounds like a description of how angry she is
Dave@lemmy.nz · 22 pts · 198d
But how do I read these subtle hints, can't she just tell me how she's feeling?
kieron115@startrek.website · 8 pts · 197d
i wonder how much extra stress access to instant non-verbal communication has added to humanity. like for thousands of years you could only talk to someone face to face or wait three months for a letter to arrive. we never really had to try and translate someone's intent without the aid of vocal tone and body language until pretty recently.
Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de · 2 pts · 193d
it's entirely unsurprising that emojis have become so standard, when you think about it like this.
gustofwind@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 197d
Apparently not because even when she does nobody understands
Saapas@piefed.zip · 0 pts · 197d
And when someone texts you that "I'm not mad." it also means they definitely aren't mad lol
obinice@lemmy.world · 61 pts · 198d
People are capable of being annoyed by something but still make peace with their feelings and get on with their day.
Can some people not do this?
Not to mention that their partner is annoyed, but that doesn't mean they suddenly don't love them any more.
People weirdly paint each other as black and white, completely this or completely that, and don't consider maturity and complexity. It's odd.
WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today · 11 pts · 198d
No, and this comment annoyed me.
Pick your weapon, we meet at dawn.
(/s in case a moderator can't read cues)
yermaw@sh.itjust.works · 7 pts · 197d
Its so easy to spot people who've been banned from reddit one too many times
WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today · 2 pts · 197d
Yeah, I blocked several politically inclined communities here, just because it's bad for my "health".
Sc00ter@lemmy.zip · 8 pts · 197d
Yes, there are people that can't do that.
I know someone who received a phone call in the morning to ask if they were actually cool with their husband taking a trip across the country with him. Ruined her whole day. Couldnt go to work because she didnt want to cry in the office. She knew about the vacation and was fine with it. Still not entirely sure how that ruined her day, but it did.
village604@adultswim.fan · 2 pts · 197d
I'm not sure I'm following the source of her negative feelings
rezifon@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 197d
Sounds like maybe she isn't either.
village604@adultswim.fan · 1 pts · 197d
The only way I could see it making sense is if the husband was going on a trip with another woman, or he has a history of cheating on her with men.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 197d
some people want absolute control over their partner/loved ones. and can't accept anything less.
village604@adultswim.fan · 1 pts · 196d
But she previously knew about the vacation and was fine with it. I'm not sure how the friend asking if she was cool with the husband going triggering a tantrum.
Like, I'm usually pretty good at understanding the underlying drive of these kinds of emotional maturity failures, but it's really not clear exactly what she's upset about.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 196d
not having absolute control.
your problem is you are trying to understand an irrational emotion coming from a crazy/immature person. they don't need reasons or logic, they just have feelings they can't control and blame other people for making them feel that way.
they don't question why they feel a way... they simple hate people who make them feel bad.
kieron115@startrek.website · 2 pts · 197d
“Black and white” thinking is something that adhd and asd people struggle with constantly. It may not be a choice.
Ryanmiller70@lemmy.zip · 5 pts · 197d
My gf and I both have ASD and being direct and stating exactly how we're feeling in the moment bluntly has made things 2000% easier.
kieron115@startrek.website · 2 pts · 197d
that's awesome. it can take a lot of courage to be blunt, even if you're very close to someone. i always have that voice in the back of my head going "was i too blunt? what if i offended them? what if they hate me now?" etc etc, even when i'm trying to be polite.
other_cat@piefed.zip · 3 pts · 197d
I'll bite. I could have seen myself doing something like this before I was put on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. The reasoning was I would have invented some kind story in my head that ACTUALLY my husband is going on this trip because he HATES ME. Or maybe he's cheating. Or or or or- and it would have spiraled out from there until I was in tears. It sucked, and I am still sometimes kind of shocked I survived long enough to get treatment.
Not saying that's what happened here of course, but I could empathize.
kieron115@startrek.website · 2 pts · 197d
you get it. glad you found something that helps, took me a while to find a med combo that worked to help me "logic" my way through the emotions. they're still there, but i'm able to bitch slap them into submission more easily.
Signtist@bookwyr.me · 1 pts · 197d
Usually when someone is contacting someone else while working on making peace with their feelings about that person's behavior, it's because they want to have a discussion with them about it. It's unusual for it to be a one-and-done text without expectation of a response. But if a response is expected, it's then unusual to follow up that text with another concerning a completely different topic. If I were in this situation, I'd find it hard to begin a discussion about her annoyance, which is valid and deserves to be explored, when the current topic is now a winery van.
Floodedwomb@lemmy.world · 60 pts · 197d
Don't buy fabrics you can't wash. Seems kinda dumb.
frog@feddit.uk · 16 pts · 197d
Duvets usiually have duvet covers. The chocolate probably either went through the cover or it's a button up duvet cover and got in.
EvacuateSoul@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 197d
The throw is what is unwashable. Dumb though, just wash it anyways or spot clean.
village604@adultswim.fan · 6 pts · 197d
You can wash duvets.
Ilovethebomb@sh.itjust.works · 43 pts · 198d
People who eat in bed are just animals.
dependencyinjection@discuss.tchncs.de · 14 pts · 198d
I’ll eat on the toilet.
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 198d
Italian sub, right? Or is that just a me thing?
BarrelAgedBoredom@lemmy.zip · 3 pts · 197d
Big money salvia is on lemmy?
CluckN@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 198d
Norovirus upvoted this.
Ach@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 198d
My girlfriend got mad during sex the other day because she rolled over on her belly to change positions and CRUNCH potato chips I left in bed.
Wizard_Pope@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 197d
You are an animal if you eat crisps in bed.
Ach@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 196d
Dude I'll eat a whole pizza in bed. I don't care at all.
PhoenixDog@lemmy.world · 0 pts · 197d
Meow.
kieron115@startrek.website · 2 pts · 197d
that's just a mid-coitus snack! at least it wasn't a pastrami sandwich.
WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today · 7 pts · 198d
I'm eating in bed rn, better than sharing space with smokers.
Schal330@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 198d
Thinking about people eating toast in bed makes me feel uncomfortable given the potential for crumbs.
mech@feddit.org · 5 pts · 198d
My wife eats in bed. Our cats don't.
PhoenixDog@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 198d
Meow.
sem@piefed.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 197d
Rowr
sem@piefed.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 197d
🎶🎵 So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!🎶🎵
Wizard_Pope@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 197d
I somwtimes eat in bed but if I do it's stuff like hard candy or nuts or something like that. Basically things that don't leave crumbs or anything behind.
Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de · 1 pts · 193d
it entirely depends on what you eat, some things are very easy to keep contained, especially if you keep them on a plate.
Agent641@lemmy.world · 35 pts · 197d
Don't eat chocolate in the bed you fuckin goblins!
Saapas@piefed.zip · 0 pts · 197d
Mode: Activated
mech@feddit.org · 29 pts · 198d
She was so mad about the chocolate, her mind immediately went to drinking.
myfunnyaccountname@lemmy.zip · 2 pts · 197d
That’s what I say too. Someone might have an issue.
Skullgrid@lemmy.world · 28 pts · 198d
Husband here.
Sometimes relationships end up with one "tidy one" and one "messy one".
I busted my ass over the years to turn from a gremlin into a "tidy one".
I got married to my "messy one". She's in charge of keeping the house clean.
I have to remind her not to eat in bed 🥲
Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world · 24 pts · 198d
Ok. I'm going to help you out. I'll take your messy wife, and I'll also be messy with her. We'll eat chocolate in bed. We'll leave trash in the shower. And burp in the car.
And you can take my wife.
Also, I'm not married.
Jankatarch@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 198d
Oh god, I just understood what an electric current is.
mech@feddit.org · 2 pts · 198d
TIL I have a lot of potential!
Skullgrid@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 197d
How do they tie together?
s@piefed.world · 15 pts · 198d
My brain mixed up duvet with bidet at first
Kolanaki@pawb.social · 5 pts · 198d
"Chocolate on the bidet? That ain't chocolate. That's doodoo, baby!"
Gnugit@aussie.zone · 15 pts · 198d
This is easy, just send one loving emote to reply. 💖
Deceptichum@quokk.au · 12 pts · 198d
Saapas@piefed.zip · 3 pts · 197d
LPT: If you are not sure how to treat the situation because you are not sure if they're mad or not, make them mad. Now you'll know how to handle the situation. Consistency is the key to relationships!
tomi000@lemmy.world · 15 pts · 198d
So let me get this straight. People complain when their gf gets mad over little things like chocolate in bed. They also complain when she doesnt. Wtf?
Wish my wife would tell me if something bothered her this calmly instead of bottling it up until she bursts and gets angry. Im no better just to be clear.
mech@feddit.org · 7 pts · 198d
Ask her regularly if something is bothering her, or if there's something you can do to make her day better.
Also, reflect on if there's something you do that makes it hard for her to tell you her issues with you (body language, sighing, removing yourself, getting defensive...)
Maybe she just finds it hard to bother others with her problems, asking directly makes it easier.
And maybe you're unconsciously communicating to her that she should leave you alone with her problems.
Anyway, the goal is to show her you're by her side, tackling problems as a team. Not opposite her.
GreenKnight23@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 198d
yeah...that's a one way road to hell.
erev@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 197d
I mean this is sound advice that can go wrong if you hace the emotional intelligence of a doorknob (whicgmh is a lot of people, mostly men). Don't just ask "is something botheribg you" so dryly and regularly you becomw whafs bothering her, but open lines of communication where you make it clear that you're trying to improve your communication and then genuinely check in on her. Dont just ask if something is bothwring her, but find out how shes been and what may be adding stress into her life. Don't immediately seek to fix it, but try to understand if she just needs to vent stress or if there are issues you can tsckle together. If an issue is identified, remember it is you and her vs the issue, not you vs her.
village604@adultswim.fan · 3 pts · 197d
Frequently asking someone if something is wrong is really, really annoying.
halfeatenpotato@sh.itjust.works · 6 pts · 197d
...y'all should work on that.
Saapas@piefed.zip · 5 pts · 197d
I think the person is just confused because the first thing sounds like she could be angry about it but the second message sounds cheery
Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de · 1 pts · 193d
it's kind of amazing how many people complain about the reciever, when it should be quite obvious this is what's happening.
GreenBeanMachine@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 197d
kieron115@startrek.website · 13 pts · 197d
see, this is why we millienials throw so many lols into our text communication. so people know it's not super serious lol.
FireRetardant@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 198d
There is wine all over the van, lets not do a group winery day again.
Tikiporch@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 198d
Also - it would be fun to ride one of those Pedal Pubs.
Xenny@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 197d
When did she say she was mad??
randint@lemmy.frozeninferno.xyz · 10 pts · 197d
Well sometimes some people don't say directly that they're mad but say things like "I'm annoyed"
architect@thelemmy.club · 6 pts · 197d
She’s annoyed but not mad. She wants to be acknowledged but not fight. It’s not a big deal if you say I’m so sorry about that and move on.
Bonus points if you buy a new throw.
AgentOrangesicle@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 197d
She set clear expectations, so the communication is there. I would set down a plastic mat next time before eating a chocolate bar on the bed.
Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de · 2 pts · 193d
or maybe just not take bites directly out of the bar, like fucking gollum
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 197d
it's assumed that a woman is always mad at their male partner unless they are actively doing something to make her happy.
it's a relationship trope.
and by mad not really angry, so much as dissatisfied.
WraithGear@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 196d
by the time someone tells you directly they are annoyed by something you have done, it’s gone past the “ i don’t like it but i’m going to just deal with it” stage.
AntiBullyRanger@ani.social · 8 pts · 198d
I read that as she’s annoyed at the chocolate stain+mess in the bed that shouldn't be done ever again, and as forgiveness of the annoyance, Jared can rent a van for a group winery as an apology.
Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 198d
I mean.....that sounds like a win/win/win honestly. Your wife gets drunk, she's happy, AND she forgives you instead of fighting?
Deal.
AntiBullyRanger@ani.social · 4 pts · 198d
She typed “annoyed,” not “mad, angry, frustrated, pissed” etc..
I am not sure Jared's gf diction is. I am particular on how I word things. If it was my bed sheets, yeah, it's something I could see myself forgiving a partner for. It’s just bed sheets, we can pick others, or repaint.
But if I loved you more than a stupid stain, sure let's get drunk, you pay.
scrion@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 198d
I'm 100% sure I can wash that throw.
UnrefinedChihuahua@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 3 pts · 198d
Unwashable, it says right in the text. Smh some people...
Retro_unlimited@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 197d
Maybe he ate the chocolate off of her body, so that’s why she is not mad, just annoyed it made a mess.
MBM@lemmings.world · 5 pts · 197d
I genuinely don't see how this is confusing
Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de · 1 pts · 193d
It's a negative message immediately followed by a positive one, maybe it makes sense with an exaggerated example:
"oh god, my entire family just died in an airplane crash! Also, i'm thinking we could go to legoland next month, how's that sound?"
ILikeBoobies@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 197d
Coffee cup meme.
2piradians@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 197d