I always say "flock of cows" to bait someone into saying "herd of cows" so that I can say "of course I've heard of cows!" Watching their faces is priceless.
I do this from time to time but with bison. I will casually slip "flock of bison" into a conversation hoping someone corrects me to "herd of bison". So I can say. "No I hadn't heard about your bi son. You must be so proud."
there's a chance the flock of cows would just pass me by unnoticed as i wrangle the conversation in my head and then hours later i realize something off about it in the shower or in bed
In my language, there's different words for body parts of animals versus humans. Like "paws" and "hands". There's one exception: horses should use the human words. I always use the animal form just to have people correct me
As someone who used to work in retail, if I’m ever caught saying “guess it’s free then,” I sincerely hope everyone in the store immediately stops what they’re doing to form an orderly line to take turns slapping the piss out of me.
In my experience, they usually take the counter-dad joke in stride, and we move on (sometimes they do make an obviously exaggerated expression as part of the joke). I'm probably an outlier, but I've always found "that means it's free" quaint if just really trite; it's just trying to be friendly and make my monotonous day a little more fun, and I understand from their perspective that it isn't conspicuously overused. So I take the joke for its intent (I've never seen it used seriously, and imagining a remotely sane human being doing so strains credulity) instead of its actual novelty or cleverness. I will never make it because it's so worn-out and I know it'll make most people in retail groan, but I don't begrudge people who do, since I've never seen it used in a sincerely harassing, negative way.
No you snap the strap/cord, but it still requires two pats, though the pats can be subdued with palm resting on the object and only the fingers doing the patting while you slightly lean against the object to subtly prove your point.
I was trying to cajole my oldest into accompanying me to brush his teeth or something, and tried to say two things at once: "C'mon, my bud!" and "C'mon, my chum!" (I'm a firm believer that using unusual language helps them develop. And it's fun!)
Unfortunately, saying them both came out as "C'mon, my bum!" He was three, and still remembers it...
I like to yell "HEY!" and point at a field full of hay bales. The wife almost always looks briefly concerned until she sees it, and then gives me the "a-doy" look. I think she secretly loves it though.
My dad always used to say to me "how much is this gunna rip me off" when looking for the price tag/sticker in store. I didnt realise this was tounge in cheek until when i started to venture out on my own, i said this to a shopkeeper and got this look from him... Instantly realised my mistake.
Considering how much I love dad jokes, puns, and combinations thereof, I'm SHOCKED that I only scored 1/20! And I only point out horses SOMETIMES, depending on the situation.
Dogs, though? I'll interrupt whatever you're saying or doing to point it out no matter what.
Unlike horses, dogs are precious treasures that people NEED to be made aware of immediately, so they may coo and melt!
When my kids were little, I joked about getting the "special saw" for their injuries. Looking back now, that's pretty terrifying but at the time, ... Same.
Eight-ish? Dad of two nearing fifty so I guess I'm on par for the course.
One is discovered thanks to US memes is the dad uniform including New Balance. I bought some NB when I was in China and I have to say they really are comfy.
The one about awkward loads is hilarious to me. Because it really is true though. You can lift a shit ton more if you've a good grip! I can hardly lift a washing machine, but I can carry one on my back without issue.
I mean some of them seem very normal and not unique to dads. Like "look horses", why the fuck would i not tell people that there are horses? That goes for most groups of animals, animals are cool.
Nah, New England drivers are generally pretty good, I have yet to see a Japanese driver do something dumb. Vietnamese drivers are so good they need to handicap themselves by ignoring all traffic laws while texting and driving a clapped out motorbike after drinking 4+ beers.
Yes. Happy to make your acquaintance, I mean aquarium. I mean to say that if I was paid I would make you an aquarium if I could. I don't mean you into an aquarium, I mean I would purchase that parts to make an aquarium and then assemble them into one. I don't mean the aquarium would be just one part, there would be many. I mean just one aquarium, not many. That didn't take too long! I mean I'm still pooping. Well not by the time anyone reads this. I mean I could be pooping while you're reading, buy it would be a different poop batch for sure. Hold on. I mean bye.
It's not heavy just cumbersome, is a phrase that pretty much applies to all us big and tall guys, not just dads. I realize that what I picked up is probably heavy for you, but we were made to pick up the heavy stuff, so it really isn't that much effort for me.
I feel "guess it's free" is soooo overused, I feel like it grates on cashiers nerves, beyond a good groaner, so instead I say "aw crap, does this mean it's triple price?"
145 Comments
Sprondar@lemmy.world · 190 pts · 130d
I always say "flock of cows" to bait someone into saying "herd of cows" so that I can say "of course I've heard of cows!" Watching their faces is priceless.
Jyek@sh.itjust.works · 63 pts · 130d
I do this from time to time but with bison. I will casually slip "flock of bison" into a conversation hoping someone corrects me to "herd of bison". So I can say. "No I hadn't heard about your bi son. You must be so proud."
baguettefish@discuss.tchncs.de · 7 pts · 130d
there's a chance the flock of cows would just pass me by unnoticed as i wrangle the conversation in my head and then hours later i realize something off about it in the shower or in bed
FireRetardant@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 130d
I use school of deer when spotting deer and things like herd, pod or flock of fish while fishing.
bluestem@mander.xyz · 2 pts · 124d
Thank you for the new material to annoy my fiancé with every time we see cows.
qevlarr@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 130d
In my language, there's different words for body parts of animals versus humans. Like "paws" and "hands". There's one exception: horses should use the human words. I always use the animal form just to have people correct me
gigastasio@sh.itjust.works · 86 pts · 130d
As someone who used to work in retail, if I’m ever caught saying “guess it’s free then,” I sincerely hope everyone in the store immediately stops what they’re doing to form an orderly line to take turns slapping the piss out of me.
TheTechnician27@lemmy.world · 35 pts · 130d
"Nope, actually means it's not for sale. Sorry."
shweddy@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 130d
The shocked pikachu face they make is fucking priceless
TheTechnician27@lemmy.world · 21 pts · 130d
In my experience, they usually take the counter-dad joke in stride, and we move on (sometimes they do make an obviously exaggerated expression as part of the joke). I'm probably an outlier, but I've always found "that means it's free" quaint if just really trite; it's just trying to be friendly and make my monotonous day a little more fun, and I understand from their perspective that it isn't conspicuously overused. So I take the joke for its intent (I've never seen it used seriously, and imagining a remotely sane human being doing so strains credulity) instead of its actual novelty or cleverness. I will never make it because it's so worn-out and I know it'll make most people in retail groan, but I don't begrudge people who do, since I've never seen it used in a sincerely harassing, negative way.
W98BSoD@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 12 pts · 130d
Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 130d
I'm right there with you! That was the only one that I refuse to do!
em2@lemmy.ml · 4 pts · 130d
I used to just say, "If you can run fast enough. I don't know if I'd chance it though... Tony's working today."
lividweasel@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 130d
https://youtu.be/i0GW0Vnr9Yc
8oow3291d@feddit.dk · 2 pts · 130d
One thing I have grown into is to refuse to use my time to try to find prices for stuff, when the store fails to label it.
bluestem@mander.xyz · 1 pts · 124d
Corn@lemmy.ml · 1 pts · 129d
billwashere@lemmy.world · 74 pts · 130d
Ouch… 18/20
Edit: They forgot the mandatory clicking of the tongs after picking them up.
ech@lemmy.ca · 31 pts · 130d
That's because that's an everyone thing, not just dads. I have done this since I was old enough to hold them.
devilkitty@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 130d
Of course. Makes the food taste better.
(I do that with the table marker things at Chick-Fil-A too…)
ApathyTree@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 4 pts · 130d
I WOULD do it, but my tongs are silicone-coated (for air fryer removal)
W98BSoD@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 18 pts · 130d
hydroxycotton@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 13 pts · 130d
And don't forget the requirement to pull the button two to three times immediately after picking up a power drill.
Drekaridill@lemmy.wtf · 10 pts · 130d
I have the other 2. Combined we can make a whole dad
mybuttnolie@sopuli.xyz · 5 pts · 130d
cool, now you only have to decide who enters who
agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works · 4 pts · 130d
I thought about this recently and it does make sense. You've gotta test the spring so you can use the right amount of force
Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world · 40 pts · 130d
The last one requires you to pat the load three times or the magic doesn’t work.
hperrin@lemmy.ca · 19 pts · 130d
Alternatively, you can pull back and snap the strap/cord.
oppy1984@lemdro.id · 5 pts · 130d
No you snap the strap/cord, but it still requires two pats, though the pats can be subdued with palm resting on the object and only the fingers doing the patting while you slightly lean against the object to subtly prove your point.
Bassman1805@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 130d
Fuck, I only pat it twice.
zod000@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 36 pts · 130d
I feel personally attacked
Squirrelsdrivemenuts@lemmy.world · 34 pts · 130d
8, and I'm a woman without children 🤔
shweddy@lemmy.world · 21 pts · 130d
Sure thing. I know its you dad
Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 130d
Keep practicing, get those numbers up, and next thing you know, you'll have a wife and two offspring!
Broadfern@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 130d
13, also no children.
Spiritually dad-like ✨
W98BSoD@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 2 pts · 130d
You’re a faux pas
Steve@communick.news · 33 pts · 130d
I refuse to use any of these.
Instead I like to come up with my own new ones.
Like when someone comes back in right away after forgetting something.
I'm like: "Finally! Do you know how worried I've been?"
hakunawazo@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 130d
mech@feddit.org · 6 pts · 130d
My go to is "see you on Monday"
"Good morning, how was the weekend?"
SarahValentine@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 31 pts · 129d
No, it's "dad, how are you?"
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world · 14 pts · 129d
Bonus point
bitjunkie@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 129d
This homey unlocked the extra credit
SiblingNoah@piefed.social · 27 pts · 130d
Don’t forget the mandatory testing of the drill in the air.
kersploosh@sh.itjust.works · 10 pts · 130d
Zing zing!
acockworkorange@mander.xyz · 2 pts · 110d
Gotta do it twice to be sure.
snooggums@piefed.world · 7 pts · 130d
And clacking the tongs!
themeatbridge@lemmy.world · 24 pts · 130d
Before I was a dad, I would say a lot of these ironically, fully aware of and referencing the cliche. Now, they're just part of me.
homesweethomeMrL@lemmy.world · 31 pts · 130d
That’s how they getcha.
undrwater@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 130d
Excellent!
robocall@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 129d
¡Excelente!
barkybeak@lemmy.zip · 22 pts · 130d
A ton of these are part of my daily routine.
starlinguk@lemmy.world · 16 pts · 130d
Does "look, cows" count?
grue@lemmy.world · 15 pts · 130d
Yes, but the real dad thing is to say that when you see horses, and say "look, horses" when there are cows.
ickplant@lemmy.world · 17 pts · 130d
One time I saw horses and got really excited but forgot the word for them so I excitedly yelled “PUPPIES!”
My family never let me live that down. It’s been over 5 years now, and they still tease me by saying “look, Mom, puppies!” while pointing at horses.
5too@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 130d
I was trying to cajole my oldest into accompanying me to brush his teeth or something, and tried to say two things at once: "C'mon, my bud!" and "C'mon, my chum!" (I'm a firm believer that using unusual language helps them develop. And it's fun!)
Unfortunately, saying them both came out as "C'mon, my bum!" He was three, and still remembers it...
SmackemWittadic@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 129d
This is a great story coming from the person that runs most animal communities on Lemmy lmao
ickplant@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 129d
snooggums@piefed.world · 7 pts · 130d
"Hey!" And pointing when you see hay bales is good too.
perishthethought@piefed.social · 3 pts · 130d
Does making neigh or moo sounds count?
ObsidianZed@lemmy.world · 16 pts · 130d
I like to yell "HEY!" and point at a field full of hay bales. The wife almost always looks briefly concerned until she sees it, and then gives me the "a-doy" look. I think she secretly loves it though.
witten@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 130d
RaccoonBall@lemmy.ca · 4 pts · 129d
Or give their noggin a tap when you see a "bump a head" sign
P1k1e@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 129d
Mooing at cows isn't on this string of thought, but it's still fun
pennomi@lemmy.world · 15 pts · 130d
hzl@piefed.blahaj.zone · 14 pts · 129d
A lot of these are just normal things people say. Like, "what's the damage" is just a normal way to ask a price in English.
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 129d
⬆️ This guy's a dad
hzl@piefed.blahaj.zone · 10 pts · 129d
I'm a single woman with no kids. :(
Minizarbi@jlai.lu · 17 pts · 129d
That's what you thought. Now you know you're a dad!
ReluctantMuskrat@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 129d
Your dad would be proud!
JackFrostNCola@aussie.zone · 2 pts · 129d
My dad always used to say to me "how much is this gunna rip me off" when looking for the price tag/sticker in store. I didnt realise this was tounge in cheek until when i started to venture out on my own, i said this to a shopkeeper and got this look from him... Instantly realised my mistake.
hakunawazo@lemmy.world · 14 pts · 130d
Nothing about a lot of grocery bags and exactly one walk?
SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 130d
Oh. I am fully dad.
sudoMakeUser@sh.itjust.works · 20 pts · 130d
Hi fully dad, I'm sudoMakeUser
MustaSpiraali@sopuli.xyz · 11 pts · 129d
I feel attacked and inspired.
Zectivi@piefed.social · 11 pts · 130d
Unlike my vision, I'm 20/20.
33550336@lemmy.world · 11 pts · 130d
I am quite surprised how many Lemmy users have such high scores on the dadness meter.
I am dad of two and I perceive myself as a pretty square, but I have near to 0 points.
MathiasTCK@lemmy.world · 15 pts · 130d
Hi "quite surprised how many Lemmy users have such high scores on the dadness meter.
I am dad of two and I perceive myself as a pretty square, but I have near to 0 points."
I'm dad!
fritobugger2017@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 130d
You are a disappointment to all dads and kids, clearly.
Viking_Hippie@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 10 pts · 130d
Considering how much I love dad jokes, puns, and combinations thereof, I'm SHOCKED that I only scored 1/20! And I only point out horses SOMETIMES, depending on the situation.
Dogs, though? I'll interrupt whatever you're saying or doing to point it out no matter what.
Unlike horses, dogs are precious treasures that people NEED to be made aware of immediately, so they may coo and melt!
PostProcess@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 130d
... What is a dog of not a worse horse?
Obligatory link because he's a great poet and I'm sure this was just contextual and not his true feeling about dogs.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=O8y2MpcBTsQ
Hadriscus@jlai.lu · 10 pts · 129d
damn. I must have kids somewhere !
(add it to the list)
Lumidaub@feddit.org · 9 pts · 130d
3 - 1 because I'm awkward, 1 because I used to be a horse girlie, and 1 because my dad taught me to be an obnoxious wiseass.
Janx@piefed.social · 6 pts · 130d
You're... a centaur!?
_NetNomad@fedia.io · 7 pts · 130d
no, a wiseass is a type of donkey
Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 130d
Not just any kind of donkey, the SMARTEST of all donkeys!
Lumidaub@feddit.org · 4 pts · 130d
No, a dad (a weird one, granted but still). I thought we'd established that?
perishthethought@piefed.social · 9 pts · 130d
When my kids were little, I joked about getting the "special saw" for their injuries. Looking back now, that's pretty terrifying but at the time, ... Same.
sunbeam60@feddit.uk · 9 pts · 130d
I think I’m about 90% dad here.
With four children, I think it still means I have to parent them all.
Magister@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 130d
well, I'm 55, so the 20 of them, and some I still says once a week :)
Strider@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 129d
A lot of these are default reactions in Germany (also by women).
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 129d
I'm checking enough that I stopped counting
bitjunkie@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 129d
Lower than I thought, but still higher than I'd care to admit.
Codpiece@feddit.uk · 8 pts · 130d
Only 7. I feel like I’m letting my children down.
WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today · 8 pts · 129d
4, no surprise, I am not fit to be a parent.
qevlarr@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 130d
I don't know, can you?
Answering yes to a one or the other question
Monty Python and/or Naked Gun quotes
Shindo66@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 129d
My constant obscure monty python quotes arent landing, eh?
BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today · 7 pts · 130d
Checked every box, passing them on to the next generation. Missed a couple:
Get any on you? - after a belch.
Pull my finger
Angrydeuce@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 130d
We've normalized saying "bless you" after a good burp lol
My wife cannot abide me asking my son to pull my finger so I save that for when she's not around.
HugeNerd@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 130d
😆
dhork@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 130d
16, and that's just the things I've said this week
whotookkarl@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 6 pts · 130d
Clicks the tongs
Slaps the hood
Kicks the tire
fibojoly@sh.itjust.works · 6 pts · 129d
Eight-ish? Dad of two nearing fifty so I guess I'm on par for the course.
One is discovered thanks to US memes is the dad uniform including New Balance. I bought some NB when I was in China and I have to say they really are comfy.
The one about awkward loads is hilarious to me. Because it really is true though. You can lift a shit ton more if you've a good grip! I can hardly lift a washing machine, but I can carry one on my back without issue.
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 129d
Been a die hard for New Balance since college. It's just a good shoe, dad-ness not withstanding
chiliedogg@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 129d
You're about to have 48 more kids?
MaXsteri@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 129d
No, there's two kids who are both about to turn 50. Dad is of unknown age.
phlegmy@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 129d
Well he'd have to be at least 50
Signtist@bookwyr.me · 6 pts · 130d
I read the first column and thought "Huh, guess I'm not as Dad as I thought I was," but then ticked every box on the second column.
pancakes@sh.itjust.works · 8 pts · 130d
I mean some of them seem very normal and not unique to dads. Like "look horses", why the fuck would i not tell people that there are horses? That goes for most groups of animals, animals are cool.
mechoman444@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 130d
"That's how they get you" is a significant part of my personality.
blazeknave@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 130d
18/20 jfc... This was probably a quarter of that before being a middle aged dad and inheriting my father's clothes.
Cevilia@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 5 pts · 130d
tiredofsametab@fedia.io · 5 pts · 130d
I'm a childless dude in his 40s and I tick several if you replace "kids" with other family/coworkers/etc.
ZDL@lazysoci.al · 5 pts · 130d
My dad always said "let's rock and/or roll" for departure.
WandowsVista@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 129d
my version of this:
fibojoly@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 129d
I yearn to say "In the pipe, five by five" but I don't have the right public for that quote :/
ZDL@lazysoci.al · 1 pts · 129d
That's ... comms talk, right? 5×5 means max strength and clarity, I think. In the pipe, not so clear.
fibojoly@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 128d
It's from Aliens. It's what the lady pilot says when the squad is taking off in their dropship.
Test_Tickles@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 129d
It's when you are being double penetrated by 2 guys with average sized penises.
undrwater@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 130d
All but two.
islandcoda42@lemmy.zip · 4 pts · 130d
Damn, I’m friggin super-mega-dad over here. I also literally typed this with one finger
Zachariah@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 130d
I’m fine. How are you?
5too@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 130d
Shoot - my wife gets at least as many as I do!
SkaveRat@discuss.tchncs.de · 9 pts · 130d
Congrats to the gay marriage
frog_brawler@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 130d
Corn@lemmy.ml · 2 pts · 130d
Its genuinely true in much of America. I didn't realize how bad it was until I left the north east.
Simulation6@sopuli.xyz · 2 pts · 129d
Just say Don't know how to drive on this planet, because that will cover it.
Corn@lemmy.ml · 2 pts · 129d
Nah, New England drivers are generally pretty good, I have yet to see a Japanese driver do something dumb. Vietnamese drivers are so good they need to handicap themselves by ignoring all traffic laws while texting and driving a clapped out motorbike after drinking 4+ beers.
Treczoks@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 130d
Yes.
P1k1e@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 129d
Oh man...11, always knew I was built for it, but I still ain't having any
altphoto@lemmy.today · 3 pts · 130d
Yes. Happy to make your acquaintance, I mean aquarium. I mean to say that if I was paid I would make you an aquarium if I could. I don't mean you into an aquarium, I mean I would purchase that parts to make an aquarium and then assemble them into one. I don't mean the aquarium would be just one part, there would be many. I mean just one aquarium, not many. That didn't take too long! I mean I'm still pooping. Well not by the time anyone reads this. I mean I could be pooping while you're reading, buy it would be a different poop batch for sure. Hold on. I mean bye.
AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 130d
It's not heavy just cumbersome, is a phrase that pretty much applies to all us big and tall guys, not just dads. I realize that what I picked up is probably heavy for you, but we were made to pick up the heavy stuff, so it really isn't that much effort for me.
Perrin42@mastodon.social · 3 pts · 130d
@ickplant
All of them.
HubertManne@piefed.social · 3 pts · 130d
given my area is almost in constant drought nowadays Im constantly getting we needed this rain checkbox. no kids though.
DasFaultier@sh.itjust.works · 3 pts · 130d
9/20
RememberTheApollo_@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 129d
Maybe 4? Less than I thought.
GladiusB@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 130d
I only have one of these. And all my coworkers tell me I have the best dad jokes. I kind of feel like a fraud.
1984@lemmy.today · 3 pts · 129d
Zero points actually.
Maybe "horses", thats at least a bit possible since I would notice and look at them.
DaddleDew@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 130d
The last one is just the proper standard procedure of securing something.
helpImTrappedOnline@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 130d
You have to slap it too. Never skip that part.
Zenjal@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 124d
I feel "guess it's free" is soooo overused, I feel like it grates on cashiers nerves, beyond a good groaner, so instead I say "aw crap, does this mean it's triple price?"
Proprietary_Blend@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 130d
"Smells good!" When nothing smells good
Notyou@sopuli.xyz · 3 pts · 129d
About 6 or 7.
Pumafred9@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 130d
10/20
5in1k@lemmy.zip · 2 pts · 130d
Hey kid, you like menthols?
Kaput@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 130d
Got 12, but i also slow down to yell "Grosses vaches" when driving by cows. (Fat cow)
bennypr0fane@discuss.tchncs.de · 2 pts · 130d
It must 80ies or 90ies dads??
unphazed@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 129d
Surprisingly I only hit about 4... although maybe 5 as I use "roll out" when leaving...
fritobugger2017@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 130d
All but the first one.
terabyterex@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 130d
yeah i hate that, i also dont do the car wash joke either.
fritobugger2017@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 130d
Oops, yeah, I don't do that either since no one here washes their own car.