I love these! My favorite one is, “if you were forced to shove a whole pineapple up your ass, as a matter of life and death, would you insert it top or bottom first?”
Keep in mind, you’ll need to get it back out once it’s in.
Bottom first. The leaves would serve as a flared end and a handle. You’d want it to be ripe-ish I imagine. Ripe enough to have a little give, but not ripe enough that the leaves come out too easily.
Pineapples also come in different sizes, I’ve seen some homegrown ones posted on Lemmy that seem…manageable.
The roaches. At least you know their true nature, not surprising to find them there and, in days of high frustration, one can go up and stomp a few for that crunchy sound of bug demise.
Ive dealt with a few though, its not really as bad or as hard as most people think. Its just about being thorough and sustained, you arent going to get them all in one hit. It just takes a few months of regularly repeating the basics of bombing, baits and spray.
Personally, I’d go for the person. Roach phobia entirely not factoring in here.
My attic is over a detached garage. If someone can access that space somehow, and wants to live there, whatever. It’s roomy enough to be fairly comfortable, tho you can’t stand up straight, and it’s insulated with electric outlets, so I’m not suuuuper likely to find a frozen person in spring. Not great, but as long as they don’t leave a mess or whatever, meh, doesn’t harm me any beyond electrical use. I probably wouldn’t even find out about it for a long time, since I never go up there; the ladder is duct-taped where it cracked at some point, and I can’t be bothered to replace it.
Roaches, however, would not stay contained to the garage. That’s a deal-breaker.
Only a hard choice if you've never dealt with roaches. 1000 roaches is enough to convince me that the house would never be free of them ever, roaches are incredible in the way they survive and thrive. Unless you made sure you killed every single last one and their offspring, you ain't getting rid of them.
No it isn't. Cockroach is derived from the Spanish "cucaracha" which comes from "cuca" which means "butterfly caterpillar" and is apparently onomatopoeic in origin.
Also the idea of them crawling into your urethra is a myth like earwigs and ears.
Someone who just desperately needed shelter? Okay, fine. Someone who is caked in their own waste, with insane ramblings scrawled across their skin in blood? Uh, bring on the roaches, I guess.
Considering the overlap between homelessness and untreated mental disorders, sadly both of your descriptions are likely to fit the potential attic-dweller.
person, though a much more difficult encounter it'd probably cost nothing to get them out of there, and the likehood of them coming back is much lower. all it'd take for the roaches to come back is the exterminator missing 2 or 4 of them
It's hard to apply the gel as they may fight back, but gassing them is a better bet, unless they have a gasmask. But in that case I guess they may also have a knife, so the gel is still a nogo.
Jesus you folks must have wild roaches in Denmark. Sounds like "don't go out at night" or "make sure your gun is loaded before entering the woods" kind of thing. Stay safe.
Ah yes, our fearsome Danish roaches - the mighty Germanic cockroach, terror of the Nordic regions! These tiny warriors measure a mere 13mm, but their aggressive nature more than makes up for it. If left unchecked, they'll conduct midnight drills in your attic, their tiny jackboots keeping you awake all night. And you better watch out - your whole family could succumb to carbon monoxide poisoning when they fire up their miniature Panzer divisions for their annual invasion of Poland.
To be honest though, I actually had to research cockroaches in Denmark because I've never heard of anyone having problems with them here.
All the person has to do to avoid arrest is be calm and assertive; if he insists that you invited him, that he paid you rent, that it's his house, here's the police response:
"That's a civil matter, you're going to have to call a lawyer."
If he's competent, he may even have a deed with the town's seal already in it. Anyone can file anything in the land records. It's up to title holders to protect their titles and clear any fraudulent entries.
While true, if they're "living" there, they're most likely in the attic or crawl space or something. Or they have no items of their own. Anything is possible and there are always outliers, but the chances are pretty low they got set up enough to convince people they're legitimately there.
Person. Odds are that they’re not as bad as media has been trying to convince us that we are; that said, 1k(^4^) cockroaches can still be managed with enough effort
Do we even know if this person has outside connections?
Maybe I can hire them pennies on the dollar
I would force them to do the work that I loathe doing when I web Dev, repeatedly making pages or posts or whatever, they get a home and wage I get to live happy
128 Comments
NegativeLookBehind@lemmy.world · 71 pts · 1y
disguy_ovahea@lemmy.world · 53 pts · 1y
I love these! My favorite one is, “if you were forced to shove a whole pineapple up your ass, as a matter of life and death, would you insert it top or bottom first?”
Keep in mind, you’ll need to get it back out once it’s in.
TragicNotCute@lemmy.world · 60 pts · 1y
Bottom first. The leaves would serve as a flared end and a handle. You’d want it to be ripe-ish I imagine. Ripe enough to have a little give, but not ripe enough that the leaves come out too easily.
Pineapples also come in different sizes, I’ve seen some homegrown ones posted on Lemmy that seem…manageable.
disguy_ovahea@lemmy.world · 32 pts · 1y
Just keep in mind that the hard, pointed spikes on the outside face up, so you’ll be pulling it out against them.
If you do top first you get the harder part over with, and then have plenty of blood to lubricate the way out.
Soup@lemmy.world · 23 pts · 1y
It’s a horrific image but it’s the right way to go. You’ll simply never, under any circumstances, make it work the other way.
I mean it won’t work either way but if you don’t fucking die by the end of it at least you could theoretically get patched up.
disguy_ovahea@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 1y
The human anus can stretch up to 7 in. (18 cm.) before taking damage.
The average pineapple is 6 in. (15 cm.) in diameter.
You got this.
Shapillon@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 1y
Without training? :o
kmartburrito@lemmy.world · 16 pts · 1y
Just taaaaaap it in, just give it a little tappy. Tap tap taparoo. You got this.
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 1y
Try not to tense up.
sloppysol@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 1y
Only horrific initially, relatively
phx@lemmy.ca · 1 pts · 1y
I feel like you've given this an unusual amount of thought
lath@lemmy.world · 22 pts · 1y
Phrasing it like that means death is still a choice.
moody@lemmings.world · 13 pts · 1y
Why's that?
Gladaed@feddit.org · 12 pts · 1y
With or without leaves?
henfredemars@infosec.pub · 5 pts · 1y
Asking the big questions.
disguy_ovahea@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 1y
With of course
noodlejetski@lemm.ee · 4 pts · 1y
death
BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
Well I know what I'm going to think about all morning now.
Fuck_u_spez_@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 1y
As long as the manner of death is quick enough and relatively painless, I don't have to even give it a second thought.
brygphilomena@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 1y
I mean, if it has to go in whole, does it need to come out whole? Or can we cut that bitch up once it's in?
disguy_ovahea@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
Additional tools are not allowed. You’re welcome to attempt to crush it with your pelvic floor muscles.
A7thStone@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
Never skip kegel day.
ryathal@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 1y
I like the body swap sex one. would you rather have sex with your SO in your respective parent's body, or your parent in your SO's body.
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 1y
:(
Marthirial@lemmy.world · 34 pts · 1y
The roaches. At least you know their true nature, not surprising to find them there and, in days of high frustration, one can go up and stomp a few for that crunchy sound of bug demise.
jettrscga@lemmy.world · 24 pts · 1y
Look at this guy, he doesn't comprehend the true nature of man or like human crunch.
jaybone@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
Human Crunch sounds like the dollar store version of Captain Crunch.
CaptnNMorgan@lemmy.world · 15 pts · 1y
No way, you won't be able to get the roaches out nearly as easy as the person
acockworkorange@mander.xyz · 1 pts · 1y
Poison. The house will be uninhabitable for a week, but they’ll be gone.
CaptnNMorgan@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 1y
And that's easier than just grabbing a dude by the neck and throwing them out?
acockworkorange@mander.xyz · 1 pts · 1y
Depends on the dude.
CaptnNMorgan@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 1y
Even if you need help from a friend, that's still easier than getting roaches out
samus12345@lemm.ee · 14 pts · 1y
Sounds like you've never had the misfortune of being somewhere with a roach infestation.
finitebanjo@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 1y
Or maybe they already have a roach infestation because they live in filth and don't care.
dditty@lemm.ee · 3 pts · 1y
People can get sick from roach feces from just a few roaches, especially if you have asthma; having 1000 would be really bad
Delphia@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
Ive dealt with a few though, its not really as bad or as hard as most people think. Its just about being thorough and sustained, you arent going to get them all in one hit. It just takes a few months of regularly repeating the basics of bombing, baits and spray.
samus12345@lemm.ee · 2 pts · 1y
I would consider anything that takes months to fix to be pretty bad.
Delphia@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 1y
You just need to bug bomb every few weeks. Its not hard labour.
cypherix93@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 1y
Dude, roaches can fly...
FeeshyFish@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 1y
Depends on the ambient temperature, no? I was under the understanding that roaches don't typically fly in northern states because it's colder.
cypherix93@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 1y
Just the fact that they can is enough for me to avoid them. Ain't showing up with a thermometer to see if they decide to fly today 😔
ApathyTree@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 3 pts · 1y
Personally, I’d go for the person. Roach phobia entirely not factoring in here.
My attic is over a detached garage. If someone can access that space somehow, and wants to live there, whatever. It’s roomy enough to be fairly comfortable, tho you can’t stand up straight, and it’s insulated with electric outlets, so I’m not suuuuper likely to find a frozen person in spring. Not great, but as long as they don’t leave a mess or whatever, meh, doesn’t harm me any beyond electrical use. I probably wouldn’t even find out about it for a long time, since I never go up there; the ladder is duct-taped where it cracked at some point, and I can’t be bothered to replace it.
Roaches, however, would not stay contained to the garage. That’s a deal-breaker.
RedC@sh.itjust.works · 31 pts · 1y
Only a hard choice if you've never dealt with roaches. 1000 roaches is enough to convince me that the house would never be free of them ever, roaches are incredible in the way they survive and thrive. Unless you made sure you killed every single last one and their offspring, you ain't getting rid of them.
send_me_your_ink@lemmynsfw.com · 2 pts · 1y
And even then your neighbors need to be sure they have removed every roach. And their neighbors...
jaybone@lemmy.world · 29 pts · 1y
You can kill one person. You can’t kill 1000 roaches.
DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social · 25 pts · 1y
Bro, it's not a CEO, they have human rights.
Fridgeratr@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 8 pts · 1y
But what if they are 🧐
naught101@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
In that case I definitely choose the 1000 roaches
desktop_user@lemmy.blahaj.zone · -1 pts · 1y
not for long
GreenKnight23@lemmy.world · 23 pts · 1y
Glytch@lemmy.world · 11 pts · 1y
How wide is your urethra that a roach can fit up there?
GreenKnight23@lemmy.world · 27 pts · 1y
Syd@lemm.ee · 7 pts · 1y
Hey I learned this earlier today! Entomology is so interesting.
Dasus@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
So is etymology, and in that earlier comment @GreenKnight23@lemmy.world is technically practicing both.
Glytch@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 1y
No it isn't. Cockroach is derived from the Spanish "cucaracha" which comes from "cuca" which means "butterfly caterpillar" and is apparently onomatopoeic in origin.
Also the idea of them crawling into your urethra is a myth like earwigs and ears.
GreenKnight23@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 1y
billwashere@lemmy.world · 22 pts · 1y
I’ve had roaches before. I’d pick the person 10 out of 10 times.
BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 1y
Same.
TheGiantKorean@lemmy.world · 20 pts · 1y
Anticorp@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 1y
Someone who just desperately needed shelter? Okay, fine. Someone who is caked in their own waste, with insane ramblings scrawled across their skin in blood? Uh, bring on the roaches, I guess.
SkaveRat@discuss.tchncs.de · 6 pts · 1y
Didn't worry, they brought their own roaches as well
Anticorp@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
FML
renzev@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 1y
Considering the overlap between homelessness and untreated mental disorders, sadly both of your descriptions are likely to fit the potential attic-dweller.
spireghost@lemmy.zip · 3 pts · 1y
Right, "just" is carrying a lot of weight here
nialv7@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 1y
oh yeah, i would let David Attenborough live in my attic any day of the week.
shneancy@lemmy.world · 19 pts · 1y
person, though a much more difficult encounter it'd probably cost nothing to get them out of there, and the likehood of them coming back is much lower. all it'd take for the roaches to come back is the exterminator missing 2 or 4 of them
slampisko@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 1y
Honestly depending on the person I'd probably just let them live there. The attic is unused and all people deserve not to sleep outside
stevedice@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 1y
Depending on where you are, it might be impossible.
finitebanjo@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 1y
One female roach can lay millions of eggs.
ShinkanTrain@lemmy.ml · 19 pts · 1y
You can solve both problems by throwing 5 bug bombs in there
BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 1y
It's my understanding that gel works better, that bug bombs just make them scatter to other units if you live in an apartment building.
BigDanishGuy@sh.itjust.works · 17 pts · 1y
It's hard to apply the gel as they may fight back, but gassing them is a better bet, unless they have a gasmask. But in that case I guess they may also have a knife, so the gel is still a nogo.
voldage@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 1y
Jesus you folks must have wild roaches in Denmark. Sounds like "don't go out at night" or "make sure your gun is loaded before entering the woods" kind of thing. Stay safe.
BigDanishGuy@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 1y
Ah yes, our fearsome Danish roaches - the mighty Germanic cockroach, terror of the Nordic regions! These tiny warriors measure a mere 13mm, but their aggressive nature more than makes up for it. If left unchecked, they'll conduct midnight drills in your attic, their tiny jackboots keeping you awake all night. And you better watch out - your whole family could succumb to carbon monoxide poisoning when they fire up their miniature Panzer divisions for their annual invasion of Poland.
To be honest though, I actually had to research cockroaches in Denmark because I've never heard of anyone having problems with them here.
voldage@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 1y
I'll let you know that as a Pole I feel grateful for your research and terrified of it's results.
stinky@redlemmy.com · 4 pts · 1y
Right like are you looking to fight them and win, or get them out, those are two very different things
AusatKeyboardPremi@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
Not sure if you are referring to the roaches or a person.
naught101@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 1y
Yes
BigDanishGuy@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 1y
Good...
Crashumbc@lemmy.world · 15 pts · 1y
Unless the person is there to kill me they win easily
Call police they leave issue solved.
SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 1y
Tell me you're not black without telling me you're not black
Crashumbc@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
Oh absolutely, the person's relationship with the police definitely matters.
JustZ@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
Lol.
All the person has to do to avoid arrest is be calm and assertive; if he insists that you invited him, that he paid you rent, that it's his house, here's the police response:
"That's a civil matter, you're going to have to call a lawyer."
If he's competent, he may even have a deed with the town's seal already in it. Anyone can file anything in the land records. It's up to title holders to protect their titles and clear any fraudulent entries.
Crashumbc@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
While true, if they're "living" there, they're most likely in the attic or crawl space or something. Or they have no items of their own. Anything is possible and there are always outliers, but the chances are pretty low they got set up enough to convince people they're legitimately there.
P.s. going to check my basement...
JustZ@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 1y
This probably feels like a type of thing that happens much more often than it actually does. But for real I'm going to go check my basement too.
TrickDacy@lemmy.world · 15 pts · 1y
Punctuation exists.
Empricorn@feddit.nl · 1 pts · 1y
Not in this Twitterverse.
Jackcooper@lemmy.world · 14 pts · 1y
A few hundred dollars will take care of the roach problem
The human is the biggest wild card situation yet and you're immediately going into fight or flight no matter what
samus12345@lemm.ee · 13 pts · 1y
A person, unless the way I found out is they're trying to murder me and/or my family.
TheReturnOfPEB@reddthat.com · 12 pts · 1y
as someone that has a person living in their attic ... FOR FREE, RUPERT ... I would say neither.
apfelwoiSchoppen@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 1y
Um person, absolutely no question.
BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world · 11 pts · 1y
At least I might be able to reason with them and offer food and comfort. Roaches are just like "hey there, see you in your ventilation system!".
Imgonnatrythis@sh.itjust.works · 11 pts · 1y
Person. Charge retroactively for rent
Apepollo11@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 1y
A dead person, preferably - although it would be a little surprising for me as I live in a new-build.
Apepollo11@lemmy.world · 14 pts · 1y
On second thought, using that caveat 1000 dead roaches would be better.
vrek@programming.dev · 4 pts · 1y
How many people did the construction crew start and end with.... If it's a difference of one....
Apepollo11@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
I guess they were in a rush to finish before Christmas (we moved in on Christmas Eve). Also, I've never actually opened the loft hatch...
explodicle@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 1y
Mob owned construction company
Better check your foundation too
Tattorack@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 1y
A person. It's your property and you can have the police come and evict them. Very easy to do.
Roaches on the other hand...
hexabs@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
Cockroaches. You can call the secret police and have them exterminated.
On the other hand if they are in my attic I am probably gonna be exterminated too.
ZeroTwo@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 1y
A person because if they've been living in my attic then they must be harmless. Still calling the cops though.
stevedice@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 1y
Until they feel threatened by you finding them.
mvirts@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 1y
Easy, roaches. I assume there are already at least 1000 in my attic.
BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 1y
May I give you the numbers of local exterminators?
ICastFist@programming.dev · 8 pts · 1y
Person, easily. 1k roaches means i'm bound to find another 1k all around the house on the following weeks.
affiliate@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 1y
how friendly is the person?
explodicle@sh.itjust.works · 3 pts · 1y
Average. The roaches are also average friendliness.
naught101@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 1y
Do they chip in for rent?
stevedice@sh.itjust.works · 8 pts · 1y
1000 persons.
brown567@sh.itjust.works · 8 pts · 1y
Person, easy
If I hadn't noticed them before now, then they're a spectacular neighbor
Mango@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 1y
The person is a lot easier to get rid of.
JargonWagon@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 1y
Fr. There's one way in or out of our attic. Barricade and wait for police.
Delta_V@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 1y
Your ceiling is probably just a thin sheet of gypsum - stepping on it would be enough to break it and create a new exit.
DoeJohn@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 1y
european houses enter the chat
Kolanaki@yiffit.net · 7 pts · 1y
One might expect 1000 roaches in the attic; ain't nobody expecting a person.
Skates@feddit.nl · 7 pts · 1y
I live in an apartment building, I'll take the person. Roaches won't stick to the attic.
IDKWhatUsernametoPutHereLolol@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 7 pts · 1y
postmateDumbass@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 1y
1000 half burned joints please.
normalexit@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 1y
Dead or alive?
Speiser0@feddit.org · 7 pts · 1y
But what would happen to the person if they're not in my attic? I wouldn't want them to get run over by a trolley.
don@lemm.ee · 6 pts · 1y
Person. Odds are that they’re not as bad as media has been trying to convince us that we are; that said, 1k(^4^) cockroaches can still be managed with enough effort
LodeMike@lemmy.today · 5 pts · 1y
I'm sorry but 1K^4 is a trillion cockroaches in which case you have Time Lord Technology in your attic
TheColonel@reddthat.com · 6 pts · 1y
At least I know how to kill the roaches and dispose of the bodies. Plus, no one cares if I kill the roaches.
Empricorn@feddit.nl · 5 pts · 1y
Roaches don't survive in my climate, bring 'em on. (Also, millennials have no idea what it's like to own a home so what's an "attic"?)
NoSpiritAnimal@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 1y
Roaches, but I suppose enough bug bombs would work either way
OmegaLemmy@discuss.online · 3 pts · 1y
Person
Maybe if it was 10 roaches?
Person otherwise
Do we even know if this person has outside connections?
Maybe I can hire them pennies on the dollar
I would force them to do the work that I loathe doing when I web Dev, repeatedly making pages or posts or whatever, they get a home and wage I get to live happy
TimewornTraveler@lemm.ee · 3 pts · 1y
to think that there's probably someone in just about any city living with both.
Waraugh@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 3 pts · 1y
I have over 1000 dubia roaches in my house already. I’m going with them.
VonCesaw@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 1y
You don't have to brag about your cool friends here
naught101@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 1y
If you're living in apartments in a major city, both are already true.
hark@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 1y
Depends. Are they sexy? ::: spoiler spoiler The roaches, I mean. :::
ICastFist@programming.dev · 2 pts · 1y
I don't think these are the e621 version of roaches
Mandy@sh.itjust.works · -4 pts · 1y
Gladaed@feddit.org · 23 pts · 1y
It very clearly does state "living in your attic"
Mandy@sh.itjust.works · 3 pts · 1y
Imgonnatrythis@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 1y
The judge will have criteria for this.