I'm dying in a religious conflict

https://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Middle-School-Crush-to-Like-You

UUUHHHHH

---

monday

---

inhales

I like coming here.

In break times, i often get to see her, with her long skirt, her adorable jacket, and her soft, long, brown hair.

She is rather tall in her friend group, she must be 13, maybe 14...

It doesn't stop me for loving her even if i am in my 40's.

Nothing can.

It's not a barbaric attraction like thoses weird pedophiles.

My love is pure.

She's made to be mine.

"I want to be with her together."

---

tuesday

---

She just leaved the school to buy her meal.

Today she did attach her hairs into two braids, with ribbons at the ends.

She is so cute.

"I absoluetly want to be with her"

---

She seems to be alone right now.

"Is it my chance?"

Slowly, gently, silently, I put some chloroform on the piece of cotton.

Softly, purely, nicely, I approach her from behind.

Strangely, surprisingly, quickly, she does a barrel roll and a backflip, and face me with an assault rifle.

Rougly, straightly, immediatly, she say: "ladies and gentleman, we got him"

Painly, horribly, trementously, i get perfored multiple times by supersonic projectiles, and fall on the ground.

"aww man"

I just died trying to get a middle school crush to like me.

---

Guys don't call the police it's for the thing

I think this speaks for itself

I die in a conflict where I tell a Wizards of the Coast zombie that Paizo and Pathfinder are the best, which, honestly, I should've seen coming.

Apparently I'll die becoming Israeli

I'm dying of stupidity, apparently.

I have nothing more to add to this.

https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Rid-of-Carpenter-Bees-Using-Wd40

Welp..

well hmm, This could be interesting

How To Get More Views on a Facebook Video

God dammit

https://www.wikihow.com/Write-Your-Own-Eulogy

Well, at least I was prepared.

Is that link rigged...? This is what I got:

https://www.wikihow.com/Give-a-Rectal-Exam

:(

I die cleaning a bicycle chain.

I'm checking a microwave for leaks, how did the C4 even get in here?

Yes, dying from the most dangerous of human endeavors: small talk.

I die in a freak hawk training accident.

Ok, so I guess I'll need to move to the USA in the future

Who knew that dying my brown hair blonde without using bleach could be so dangerous?

How to run away from an abusive home.

I was already planning to run away from an abusive home.

This is horrifying

I managed to get this: How to Fire a Gun.

So it's at least plausible.

"How to confront a cheating husband"
That actually makes sense as a way to die, I just need to become gay now.

How to Combine Documents in Microsoft Word

I always suspected

How would I die by this?

"How to Convince Your Parents to Let You Have a YouTube Account"

Aw shit.

When a narcissist loses control…

While catching a ghost crab.

https://www.wikihow.com/Catch-a-Ghost-Crab

"what to do when someone texts you an apple emoji."

I'm extremely curious to see how this plays out.

https://www.wikihow.com/Wrap-Luggage-in-Plastic-at-Home

MISUNDERSTOOD INSTRUCTIONS, CAN'T BREATH.

While searching for a Cherry Grove Blossom Biome in Minecraft?! How do they know that?! (⊙_☉)

How to Make a Bra in 15 Easy Steps

I spent way to long thinking it was "How to make Scorpion man miss you". Thought I was gonna get stung.

An exceedingly dangerous activity indeed.

Here, don't stop! It's endless scroll meets wiki: https://wikitok.vercel.app/

How to Cure Fungus on Aquarium Fish

Am I going to be patient zero for an IRL Last of Us?

I guess from shrinking stomach

So does the plant kill me or is there an aloe vera crime syndicate I got on the wrong side of?

https://www.wikihow.com/Grow-Dates-Indoors

Guys I'm scared, my wife has been trying to grow dates indoors. Send for help, my time is near.

Lol at least this kind of makes sense: https://www.wikihow.com/Take-Clenbuterol

Removing mold stains from wood flooring.

"How to put a collar on a cat" yeah that tracks honestly

How to drop a gas tank.

Feels like a pretty reasonable way to go - I might even beat Elon to mars.

UPDATE REQUIRED PLEASE UPDATE ON GOOGLE PLAY STORE. So I guess I die from updates.

Phew, good thing I don't own a car and haven't driven for 13 years... Wait maybe this is the year 👀

How to cut wispy bangs. Well I'd gladly die before having bangs again.

How to get prescribed Xanax

Seems legit

Celebrating Onam apparently. I didn't know that existed even, but it seems so fun it's deadly.

I guess that's pretty close

Killed by some car yard dogs I suppose

https://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Towed-Car-Back-Without-Paying

https://www.wikihow.com/Teach-Somebody-How-to-Drive

That seems very likely actually.

So there I was Filing Adverse Possession in Texas, when suddenly the fountain pen (an OMAS Limited Edition) slipped and I stabbed myself in an artery, bleeding myself to death

Uh oh.

"Thinking before you speak" is an important skill to master for all kinds of situations. It can improve your relationships with other people and enable you to express yourself in a more effective way. Start by using the THINK acronym to decide if what you have to say is True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, or Kind. Then,

Should maybe have yelled "Don't Remove The Pole! The building will collapse!" But instead I was using the T.H.I.N.K acronym.

How to treat a collapsing trachea in chihuahuas

Not sure if I'm the chihuahua or the one treating the chihuahua in this case

https://www.wikihow.com/Change-a-Tap-Washer

Oh no

'How to treat a sprained neck'

So not sure if I'm the one with the neck injury or if I managed to get killed treating someone else

How to get rid of ulcer pain... In this healthcare system, probably

"How to dispose of mercury"

Huh, that's actually more realistic than I thought

https://www.wikihow.com/Lower-SHBG-Levels

https://www.wikihow.com/Mind-Your-Own-Business

Alone I guess? In solitude. At least I wouldn’t be bothering anyone else.

I die changing a CV axle.

How did they know I own a Subaru?

Oh no, I'll die safely cleaning my playstation 5 :(

https://www.wikihow.com/What-to-Say-when-Someone-Dies-Unexpectedly-(Quotes)

Wait what?

"How to Clean Leather Sandals"

I don't own leather sandals and am not sure I know anyone who does, so that is very unlikely any time soon.

How to measure your pants

Breaking up a hamster fight.

Comforting a dying cat :(

It's OP hitting on me 😳

Making fake rocks with concrete

About right

I die talking to a manipulative person. This seems doable!

Apparently "Doing One-Armed Pushups like a Pro"

So, focused physical exertion.

How to drink Prune Juice

Died running indoors with limited space.

https://www.wikihow.com/Use-the-Poke-Radar

Looks like I die playing an old Pokémon game. Nostalgia must hit.

“Loving Yourself: Simple and Easy Ways to Practice Self-Love Every Day”

Huh. Weird.

Balancing a Motorcycle Tire. Seems reasonable.

Creating the right character in Skyrim ... given my history of creating immaculate Fallout characters, this seems plausible.

https://www.wikihow.com/Bleach-Jeans

Oh, great, an accident involving bleach.

https://www.wikihow.com/Measure-Viscosity

Slow and low. That IS the tempo

"How to quit a job over text (with examples)"

I hope someone tells my new job I've died!

Disaster Preparedness > home security

How to Make a Tripwire: Best Methods

Craft a DIY tripwire with this guide

So… an accident involving a tripwire boobytrap that I set up?

I'll die trying to rekindle my relationship. So either sexed to death or an unsuccessful attempt at rekindling.

Learning how to fight girls...

I got How to Get Bulbasaur in Pokémon Yellow, so I guess I should probably avoid that game for a while.

Botched attempt doing spell with purple candle (burned entire house down)

https://www.wikihow.com/Boil-Sweet-Potatoes

I think I might be going on a quest in middle earth..

I got "How To Start Using Dropbox"

Too late, I win!

How to wash a chest binder.

...I'm not afab???

"Died unblocking my sacral Chakra."

https://www.wikihow.com/Breathe-Correctly-to-Protect-Your-Singing-Voice

how to: make hot chocolate with powdered cocoa.

Should've seen this coming

Walking a Guinea pig… they must be absolutely ferocious little things…

https://www.wikihow.com/Transfer-Money-from-Wisely-Card-to-Bank-Account

I get domed by some credit company for trying to leave their no name service

Imma be pushed in a water heater

https://www.wikihow.com/Test-a-Hot-Water-Heater-Element

I die building a pigeon coop.

https://www.wikihow.com/Become-a-Shein-Ambassador

Surely, I just get so hopped up on my own farts from being an influencer, I start living the 'high life' and piss someone off to the point where they'll send a hit on me where they succeed and my public downward spiral ends up on CoffeehouseCrime YT as a case.

"How to Detect Canine Hip Dysplasia"

Am I going to get sacked by a dog?