It's not so much "Yucking someones yum" so much as "I think such a large age gap is going to be a big strain on this relationship. But if you wanna... fine." Like, one of these people was born around when 9-11 occurred and the other was born around the time when Pac-Man was the new hot game in arcades and these "CD" things were starting to catch on for music storage. That's quite a generational gap.
However, they're both old enough to both know the what they're doing... and maybe it will all work out. Thus my "They’re both old enough to know better" comment. Maybe they're star crossed lovers and it will all work out... but in the end, it's a case of "Not my circus, not my monkeys".
See, that's the thing about people being grown-ass adults. They get to decide what does and doesn't work for them.
And, despite people that want to knee jerk the matter, there's less difference between those two ages than there is between a 21 and 25 year old.
Personal development is heavily front loaded. By the mid to late twenties, most people are who they'll always be. Friendship, romance, whatever. The only real barrier to age gaps are cultural touchstones and a handful of probable experiences (like job stuff, kids, etc) that aren't even guaranteed to not be present.
Folks just get all het up over it because they're morons that can't look outside of themselves long enough to realize that their motivations and concepts towards other people aren't actually universal.
Two consenting adults are just fine, and nobody else has an opinion that matters about them
Dating fine, but if going for a long term commitment, it may be rough to be in your 60s with a partner in their 80s. They have to understand if they are theoretically on that path and that their relationship will transform into elder care at some point. Also before that the older one will stop keeping up sexually.
If both see it as a short term fling, probably ok. The 46 year can probably keep up with a 25 year old in the ways that matter, and may have enough money for some interesting experiences to share.
When I was 25, I would have said "of course it's not a problem, they're both adults. As long as they're happy it's fine." and that is true, but now that I'm closer to 46 I have some additional caveats around "as long as they're happy".
You know how in order to really develop a skill, you have to do it for a long time? I think relationships are like that. If I were to compare it to chess, this scenario is kind of like someone who's been playing chess competitively for 20 years playing against someone playing their first major tournament. It doesn't mean that the more experienced player is guaranteed to win, or even that they're better at chess, but it does confer some advantage because playing in a tournament is very different from playing chess casually or in clubs. There's money at stake, your reputation is on the line, people may be watching you play and commentating in real time. It's just a different activity altogether, even though it is still technically "just playing chess". It really helps to get a few tournaments under your belt to get comfortable with the nerves, the additional tournament rules, publicly making a really stupid error, etc. If it's your first time you might make some rookie errors. That's part of being a rookie.
Where the analogy breaks down is that with chess, there is a brief competition with clear rules and referees, and there is (almost) always a clear outcome: win, lose, or draw. With relationships, A) it's supposed to be cooperative, not a competition, and B) if your relationship partner is skilled at manipulation, you could be in a losing position for a long time and not know it, because you haven't had the time to develop the skills necessary to identify what a dysfunctional adult relationship looks like.
This doesn't mean that a relationship with a small age gap can't be toxic, or that relationships with a large age gap can't be healthy and happy.
But
I have observed a pattern of older people (usually, but not exclusively, men) who serially date young adults because those young people don't recognize the signs of a toxic relationship. These are rookie errors, and there is no shame in them. Everyone that does anything new has a rookie period, and this includes adult relationships. These older people take advantage of that naivete instead of working on themselves to become the kind of partner that people want to stay with after really getting to know them. As soon as these young partners begin to understand these problems and challenge them, they end the relationship and trade them out for a younger model. You can be unhappy in a toxic relationship for a long time and be unable to identify why you are so unhappy, because they know the tricks. Undercut your partner's relationships with their other friends or family, accuse them of not being smart enough or loving enough or patient enough, make them financially dependent on you. There are a lot of tricks, and people refine their techniques with each partner. And when you've just started having adult relationships, you are at a serious disadvantage if you wind up in a relationship like this because you just haven't lived long enough to see firsthand how this kind of thing plays out.
It's not that there's anything intrinsically wrong with it, but it does ping my danger radar. My danger radar sometimes gets false readings, but I still pay attention to it.
It’s not about the age gap. They’re adults. The same rules apply to any relationship. If nobody’s being manipulated, abused, taken advantage of or harmed, then people need to mind their own business.
Many things are completely arbitrary and yet have weight. Laws. Language. Being arbitrary is not sufficient reason to discard the idea on its own.
It has basis in reality in that it reflects the experience and judgement of many people. It's a common expression. Given this post seeks the judgment of people, that basis is insufficient to discard it.
Am I, or someone I love, the 46 year old, or the 25 year old?
The only time I would care is if the answer to the first question is "yes" or if one of the parties isn't acting consensually.. Otherwise, its not any of my business, as they're both consenting adults.
If more people worried about themselves, and less about what others are doing, the world would be better off.
A bit of a rough one, but I'd say it's passed the point of concern. IE I tend to view it in life stages. 25-46 is IMO a lot less creepy than say, 20 dating 30. In spite of the gap being halved. Graduating college is a big step, getting started in a career.
Once you are in a career path, life doesn't really change all that much. age differences don't matter so much anymore provided both are past all the big shifts.
I’ve seen it before. Never seen it work out, but I have seen it. How do I feel about it? Assuming it’s an otherwise healthy relationship with good communication and there’s no abuse, I personally couldn’t care less. I have no idea what those two people would have in common in terms of personality, interests, or goals, but that’s not my business.
The problem is that every time I’ve seen it, the power balance is incredibly lopsided. Generally an insecure older person who projects strength and wisdom and a troubled younger person who craves stability and authority. The older one usually gets controlling and jealous and the younger eventually catches on and uses that jealousy to manipulate the older person. It’s always a toxic mess when it gets to that point.
I’ve seen it before. Never seen it work out, but I have seen it.
It's also almost universally something that the people involved cannot take outside advice on. It seems to be one of those things that must be experienced personally.
I'd have some questions for the 46 year old. Mainly "can't find someone your own age who's naive enough to put up with your shit?".
Call it ageism, but at 40 I can't look at a 25 year old and see an equal adult. That's still a kid in my head even if legally and practically speaking they're an adult. I see a lot of dudes my age and older going after 20-25 year olds because their abusive tactics don't work on older women.
How would I feel? Uncomfortable. What would I do with that feeling if it’s based on exclusively my knowledge of their ages? Nothing.
When I was 28, I dated a 43 year old and it was a fine relationship. He agreed to stay in shitty hotels when we traveled because it was all I could afford and I didn’t want to take his money. He was definitely more emotionally mature and experienced than I was though and that’s what made us ultimately incompatible.
At 25, you are old enough to take care of yourself and make decisions in your own best interest. Will it be perfect? Not necessarily, but you're allowed to make mistakes in life.
Two friends of mine are in a similar age difference range. One of the happiest couples I know. She is the younger one and a very beautiful person, but it's not a sugar daddy relationship (they both have basically the same job). I think she also initiated this and is even more deeply into it than him.
I think it’s kinda weird and likely indicates that one or both have some unresolved parental issues. I even may silently judge, but it’s none of my business otherwise.
I'd even remove the "may" from the statement and say that I will silently judge but its none of my business so within a minute I'll have forgotten that they exist.
I didn't go to the 2nd page befor, now I did. It gets weirder. This one caught my eye:
How do left-leaning—or not even left-leaning, but pro-choice, pro-life people who don’t care about fornication—who are also Catholics and Christians justify their religion?
And they never interact with their own posts, which really makes me hate them.
There is a societal shift happening right now where younger women want to date older men though. I'm assuming it's because they find people their age toxic, despicable, and unpredictable. The fact you have to be on dating apps doesn't help.
The fetishists for older women from a younger male standpoint probably peaked in the 00's. Males wanted a more knowledgeable and sexually experimental woman they couldn't find in their age group (the idea at least). Now...these dudes are fucking insane and can't land a date. I understand why nobody wants to date them.
Just find someone you like being with and stop worrying about the rest. Pay close attention to the red or green flags, and if things are fine, stop worrying about it. Don't let other people dictate your happiness.
Except in cases of one party being an actual minor, age difference doesn't mean shit to me. The heart wants what the heart wants. If there's anything more than that going on, that's what would be sus.
Mostly that it's none of my business. Don't see how that big of a gap really works out long term but if they're happy I'm happy. 25 is old enough to have a good enough idea of how things work to not get taken advantage of (usually).
Above the age of consent and I don’t care what age two people are. There may be some details that change that somewhat, e.g., 24-year-old marrying an oblivious rich 90-year-old, etc., but that’s not even about age as much as intention.
Generally speaking, age gap stops mattering once both people are old enough to give valid and informed consent for the other person to do stuff to them.
People on reddit and lemmy have weird ideas about relationships ought to be.
Provided that both people are adults then age in itself isn't a problem.
I mean, if a 25 year old has several 50 year old "boyfriends" who each give her a stack of pocket money each month and pay her rent and everything, more power to her right?
The problems arise from a power imbalance. If an older guy has manipulated a younger woman into getting trapped in a shit relationship then that sucks but its not the age that's the problem.
Forgive me but, describing age as "a useful proxy" just sounds like shitty behavior to me. I'm not trying to say you're a shitty person, just that your comment seems to be sane-washing prejudism.
FWIW I agree. A 50 year old guy "dating" a 25 year old woman has an increased likelihood that a power imbalance exists. However, it's still profiling and prejudiced and a generalisation.
For example, domestic violence may be more prevalent among indigenous communities, but suggesting that indigenous status is "a useful proxy" for a determination that domestic violence is more likely is obviously inappropriate.
FWIW I agree. A 50 year old guy “dating” a 25 year old woman has an increased likelihood that a power imbalance exists. However, it’s still profiling and prejudiced and a generalization.
It's not prejudiced at all. a key component of something be a prejudice is that it is unfair, or is somehow unreasonable, etc, and that it is not based in fact. As you yourself noted, there is significant reason to believe such a large age gap may prove to be problematic.
I think the technical term is 'risk factor', if you prefer that.
And yes, significant age gaps are significant risk factors for a toxic relationship. it's not the age itself, necessarily, but it increases the potential for things that are absolutely abusive, and if your doctors know about it, they're going to be fielding more detailed questions to determine if there's a problem. And family might be people who have something to say about it as well. That's not inappropriate.
And it's not really "profiling" either. That's an investigative tactic of collection information about a person. profiling becomes problematic with the information is their race (or something to that effect) and their race becomes the justification for extra attention.
The line I use is, "If I was going to bet on this situation, I'd bet against it, but it's not enough information to make a good judgement in this case." Much like age differences or wealth differences in relationships, or indigenous status and domestic abuse. If that's all the info you have.
There are a mountain of realizations,experience and personal admiration choices in-between those ages. In my experience, I can't look past that over a kinship with a younger individual.
Turning 46 in May. My oldest son is 22, was 24 when he was born. I feel pretty fucking weird. But they both adults so technically not illegal and depending on gender won't be seen as strange.
When I was in my 20s, I viewed people in their 40s-50s as parental or even grandparently figures. As an older person, I would be open to dating someone in their 20s if we had a great connection, but I wouldn't make a move unless they expressed an interest first because I wouldn't want to be creepy or make them uncomfortable.
Both people in a relationship should be mature enough to make an informed decision which should be the case once you hit your mid twenties. However, if you have a larger age gap both of you should encourage greater scrutiny into your relationship and motives. People may question why and both of you should consider reasonable answers.
It might be fine for the moment but if the relationship stays long term it will be hard when one partner starts to like age and degrade a lot quicker than the other. In the end one might be ill and on the way to death while the other one has quite a bit of time ahead of them. I think that can strain a relationship in the long run
Gross. It would take a lot to convince me there isn't a power imbalance. Those are 2 significantly different life stages. I would never be able to trust the older person here.
My age gap is only 9 years but I was 22 at the time and I turn 40 this year and looking back I’m thinking “where were all the adults who were supposed to give me good advice??” Instead of encouraging me into a wildly imbalanced relationship which has been incredibly damaging to me
its pretty wierd, i knew a former co-worker in another job she was 29, dating a 45-46yo, of course the mom was pissed because hes almost as old as her(long story why the mom was involved). also because such a huge gap, and life experience too. maybe 5-10years is okay, but almost 15-20yo your senior.
also the huge gap in life experience, a 25yo might not have a career yet, family, children, while a 45yo more than likely experience multiple partners and have career,,,etc. also its a POWER imbalance too.
As long as both of them getting a good deal out of it, sure. Honestly a 25yo is still pretty easy to take advantage of.
And I kinda agree with the saying: there is a reason why the older one isn't with their age group. Those know better.
i wouldn't find anything common with a 25 year old myself. i think it would be less of an issue if the younger was 30+. obviously the older you are the wider the acceptable gap. once both parties are 35+ i think the gap doesn't matter at all.
That 46 year old is in decline, and that 25 year old is in their prime. They will likely have baggage, medical issues, and assorted hangups they may want to impose on the younger partner. They are possibly seeking a younger individual for predatory reasons such as someone young to have biological offspring with, that will put up with a variety of neglects, and will take care of them in the looming decades as they become more frail. All in all, a good time as consenting adults is whatever. But as a relationship? Do not recommend. You’ll be a nurse sooner than you think.
I had a lot more baggage and assorted hangups in my twenties than forties and I'd imagine that's not an uncommon experience. Also already had health issues, but if you're talking long-term relationship, that would certainly become a concern after a couple decades.
105 Comments
vk6flab@lemmy.radio · 97 pts · 145d
Are you seeking validation, or condemnation?
jeffw@lemmy.world · 86 pts · 145d
People in different stages of life like that generally don’t have a ton to relate on. Can it work? Sure. Does it usually work long term? Nah
arin@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 144d
The older one of them is the less either need to worry about long term
Sludgehammer@lemmy.world · 77 pts · 145d
Whatever. They're both old enough to know better.
gravitas_deficiency@sh.itjust.works · 9 pts · 144d
Hey man I’m not here to yuck anyone’s yum, idgaf, enjoy each other
Sludgehammer@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 144d
It's not so much "Yucking someones yum" so much as "I think such a large age gap is going to be a big strain on this relationship. But if you wanna... fine." Like, one of these people was born around when 9-11 occurred and the other was born around the time when Pac-Man was the new hot game in arcades and these "CD" things were starting to catch on for music storage. That's quite a generational gap.
However, they're both old enough to both know the what they're doing... and maybe it will all work out. Thus my "They’re both old enough to know better" comment. Maybe they're star crossed lovers and it will all work out... but in the end, it's a case of "Not my circus, not my monkeys".
kip@piefed.zip · 4 pts · 144d
apologies for pedantry, but if they're star-crossed it won't work out by definition
Sludgehammer@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 144d
TIL that I've been using "star crossed lovers" wrong my entire life. I thought it meant fated lovers.
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works · 53 pts · 144d
None of my fucking business.
See, that's the thing about people being grown-ass adults. They get to decide what does and doesn't work for them.
And, despite people that want to knee jerk the matter, there's less difference between those two ages than there is between a 21 and 25 year old.
Personal development is heavily front loaded. By the mid to late twenties, most people are who they'll always be. Friendship, romance, whatever. The only real barrier to age gaps are cultural touchstones and a handful of probable experiences (like job stuff, kids, etc) that aren't even guaranteed to not be present.
Folks just get all het up over it because they're morons that can't look outside of themselves long enough to realize that their motivations and concepts towards other people aren't actually universal.
Two consenting adults are just fine, and nobody else has an opinion that matters about them
village604@adultswim.fan · 9 pts · 144d
Yeah, when I was 23 I had to break up with my 18yo girlfriend after less than a month.
At first it was like, "hell yeah, 18yo tail," but it very quickly became, "holy shit, this is wrong; she's still a child."
jj4211@lemmy.world · 38 pts · 145d
Dating fine, but if going for a long term commitment, it may be rough to be in your 60s with a partner in their 80s. They have to understand if they are theoretically on that path and that their relationship will transform into elder care at some point. Also before that the older one will stop keeping up sexually.
If both see it as a short term fling, probably ok. The 46 year can probably keep up with a 25 year old in the ways that matter, and may have enough money for some interesting experiences to share.
queerlilhayseed@piefed.blahaj.zone · 35 pts · 144d
When I was 25, I would have said "of course it's not a problem, they're both adults. As long as they're happy it's fine." and that is true, but now that I'm closer to 46 I have some additional caveats around "as long as they're happy".
You know how in order to really develop a skill, you have to do it for a long time? I think relationships are like that. If I were to compare it to chess, this scenario is kind of like someone who's been playing chess competitively for 20 years playing against someone playing their first major tournament. It doesn't mean that the more experienced player is guaranteed to win, or even that they're better at chess, but it does confer some advantage because playing in a tournament is very different from playing chess casually or in clubs. There's money at stake, your reputation is on the line, people may be watching you play and commentating in real time. It's just a different activity altogether, even though it is still technically "just playing chess". It really helps to get a few tournaments under your belt to get comfortable with the nerves, the additional tournament rules, publicly making a really stupid error, etc. If it's your first time you might make some rookie errors. That's part of being a rookie.
Where the analogy breaks down is that with chess, there is a brief competition with clear rules and referees, and there is (almost) always a clear outcome: win, lose, or draw. With relationships, A) it's supposed to be cooperative, not a competition, and B) if your relationship partner is skilled at manipulation, you could be in a losing position for a long time and not know it, because you haven't had the time to develop the skills necessary to identify what a dysfunctional adult relationship looks like.
This doesn't mean that a relationship with a small age gap can't be toxic, or that relationships with a large age gap can't be healthy and happy.
But
I have observed a pattern of older people (usually, but not exclusively, men) who serially date young adults because those young people don't recognize the signs of a toxic relationship. These are rookie errors, and there is no shame in them. Everyone that does anything new has a rookie period, and this includes adult relationships. These older people take advantage of that naivete instead of working on themselves to become the kind of partner that people want to stay with after really getting to know them. As soon as these young partners begin to understand these problems and challenge them, they end the relationship and trade them out for a younger model. You can be unhappy in a toxic relationship for a long time and be unable to identify why you are so unhappy, because they know the tricks. Undercut your partner's relationships with their other friends or family, accuse them of not being smart enough or loving enough or patient enough, make them financially dependent on you. There are a lot of tricks, and people refine their techniques with each partner. And when you've just started having adult relationships, you are at a serious disadvantage if you wind up in a relationship like this because you just haven't lived long enough to see firsthand how this kind of thing plays out.
It's not that there's anything intrinsically wrong with it, but it does ping my danger radar. My danger radar sometimes gets false readings, but I still pay attention to it.
alternategait@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 144d
mholiv@lemmy.world · 22 pts · 144d
Weird for sure. Why do you keep on asking this question in different ways on different accounts? Are you trying to justify it? Is it a fetish?
Inquiring minds want to know!
wolfeh@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 1 pts · 143d
Read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it...
over_clox@lemmy.world · 21 pts · 145d
Assuming both are consenting adults that actually love and care for each other, okay by me. 👍❤️
RememberTheApollo_@lemmy.world · 19 pts · 144d
It’s not about the age gap. They’re adults. The same rules apply to any relationship. If nobody’s being manipulated, abused, taken advantage of or harmed, then people need to mind their own business.
phoenixz@lemmy.ca · 19 pts · 144d
I would feel it's none ofy business what two adults are doing
DarkFuture@lemmy.world · 18 pts · 144d
Both adults.
I have other things to care about.
zxqwas@lemmy.world · 18 pts · 144d
Bit weird but none of my business.
jtrek@startrek.website · 17 pts · 145d
(46/2)+7 = 30. 30 is the floor. 25 is too young.
Tenniswaffles@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 22 pts · 144d
That whole rule is completely arbitrary and has no basis in reality.
jtrek@startrek.website · 0 pts · 144d
Many things are completely arbitrary and yet have weight. Laws. Language. Being arbitrary is not sufficient reason to discard the idea on its own.
It has basis in reality in that it reflects the experience and judgement of many people. It's a common expression. Given this post seeks the judgment of people, that basis is insufficient to discard it.
Your reasoning is bad.
over_clox@lemmy.world · -13 pts · 145d
Trex202@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 144d
Women are only good for producing children?
The only reason to have a relationship is to reproduce?
Time to reevaluate some things
over_clox@lemmy.world · -9 pts · 144d
I'm not evaluating anything, the government is.
I'm just observing.
Trex202@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 144d
Time to observe something else
over_clox@lemmy.world · -5 pts · 144d
Like what? This is daily news, like everywhere.
What am I supposed to look at otherwise, the stars? Too cloudy tonight, and even on a clear night I'm lucky if I can see a dozen stars.
Anyways, I live in the USA, and I do not approve of the illiterate demented pedophile in charge.
A_norny_mousse@piefed.zip · 4 pts · 144d
This is getting funnier. Are you messing with us?
queerlilhayseed@piefed.blahaj.zone · 1 pts · 144d
A troll is begging for food. Don't feed the trolls.
ZombieChicken@reddthat.com · 2 pts · 144d
A good troll is entertaining. This one needs practice. Keep feeding him; I could use the laugh.
over_clox@lemmy.world · -1 pts · 144d
No, the government is messing with you. They fuck couches and do other things..
then_three_more@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 144d
What the fuck incel.
over_clox@lemmy.world · -3 pts · 144d
I speak out of my ass, to mock the US government and the orange shitstain in charge. Am I wrong?...
A_norny_mousse@piefed.zip · 2 pts · 144d
Must be a bot. No other explanation. Just jumping in with Trump out of the blue.
over_clox@lemmy.world · -1 pts · 144d
No bot, just a human that wishes the world wasn't so fucked up to even say such things.
A_norny_mousse@piefed.zip · 2 pts · 144d
You even doubled down with your edit 🤣
over_clox@lemmy.world · -1 pts · 144d
Of course, but people still don't get the joke.
Its the government's plan, to make women have as many babies as they possibly can, more bodies for the next planned war in ~20 years.
A_norny_mousse@piefed.zip · 1 pts · 144d
Schrödingers joke.
over_clox@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 144d
Comment removed, no problem.
Sad part is, look who is in charge...
HiTekRedNek@lemmy.world · 16 pts · 144d
Am I, or someone I love, the 46 year old, or the 25 year old?
The only time I would care is if the answer to the first question is "yes" or if one of the parties isn't acting consensually.. Otherwise, its not any of my business, as they're both consenting adults.
If more people worried about themselves, and less about what others are doing, the world would be better off.
Mind ya business, people.
toomanypancakes@piefed.world · 16 pts · 145d
I don't think it's necessarily wrong, but I'd be concerned about the power dynamics involved with such an age gap.
TheFogan@programming.dev · 13 pts · 145d
A bit of a rough one, but I'd say it's passed the point of concern. IE I tend to view it in life stages. 25-46 is IMO a lot less creepy than say, 20 dating 30. In spite of the gap being halved. Graduating college is a big step, getting started in a career.
Once you are in a career path, life doesn't really change all that much. age differences don't matter so much anymore provided both are past all the big shifts.
FRYD@sh.itjust.works · 13 pts · 144d
I’ve seen it before. Never seen it work out, but I have seen it. How do I feel about it? Assuming it’s an otherwise healthy relationship with good communication and there’s no abuse, I personally couldn’t care less. I have no idea what those two people would have in common in terms of personality, interests, or goals, but that’s not my business.
The problem is that every time I’ve seen it, the power balance is incredibly lopsided. Generally an insecure older person who projects strength and wisdom and a troubled younger person who craves stability and authority. The older one usually gets controlling and jealous and the younger eventually catches on and uses that jealousy to manipulate the older person. It’s always a toxic mess when it gets to that point.
Apytele@sh.itjust.works · 5 pts · 143d
It's also almost universally something that the people involved cannot take outside advice on. It seems to be one of those things that must be experienced personally.
Shindo66@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 143d
Thats really well put
Tarambor@lemmy.world · 11 pts · 143d
It has zero impact on my life therefore I don't care.
Glytch@lemmy.world · 11 pts · 144d
I'd have some questions for the 46 year old. Mainly "can't find someone your own age who's naive enough to put up with your shit?".
Call it ageism, but at 40 I can't look at a 25 year old and see an equal adult. That's still a kid in my head even if legally and practically speaking they're an adult. I see a lot of dudes my age and older going after 20-25 year olds because their abusive tactics don't work on older women.
Aeao@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 144d
That’s is so totally my ex wife. I was 17 and she was thirty.
Now I’m nearly 40 and over the years it’s been quite obviously why she needed 17 year old.
I’ve dated women a bit older than sense then but it’s different if I’m 30 and they are 50. It’s not the same power imbalance
Noja@sopuli.xyz · 4 pts · 143d
Very telling that you think 20-25 year old women don't have agency. I see that as a form of sexism.
Glytch@lemmy.world · 0 pts · 143d
Where do I say anyone doesn't have agency? Check your assumptions, they're causing you to make wrong inferences.
idiomaddict@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 144d
How would I feel? Uncomfortable. What would I do with that feeling if it’s based on exclusively my knowledge of their ages? Nothing.
When I was 28, I dated a 43 year old and it was a fine relationship. He agreed to stay in shitty hotels when we traveled because it was all I could afford and I didn’t want to take his money. He was definitely more emotionally mature and experienced than I was though and that’s what made us ultimately incompatible.
TheHighRoad@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 144d
Whatever, but with that kind of gap there is a power imbalance whether you see it or not.
swordgeek@lemmy.ca · 10 pts · 143d
It's weird, but not NEARLY as weird as your obsession with age-gap relationships.
How many accounts are you going to get banned on this question?
RoddyStiggs@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 10 pts · 144d
I feel like it's none of my business.
disregardable@lemmy.zip · 9 pts · 145d
At 25, you are old enough to take care of yourself and make decisions in your own best interest. Will it be perfect? Not necessarily, but you're allowed to make mistakes in life.
jeffep@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 145d
Two friends of mine are in a similar age difference range. One of the happiest couples I know. She is the younger one and a very beautiful person, but it's not a sugar daddy relationship (they both have basically the same job). I think she also initiated this and is even more deeply into it than him.
Hope that helps
Evotech@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 144d
I’d raise an eyebrow
4grams@awful.systems · 7 pts · 143d
I think it’s kinda weird and likely indicates that one or both have some unresolved parental issues. I even may silently judge, but it’s none of my business otherwise.
Burninator05@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 143d
I'd even remove the "may" from the statement and say that I will silently judge but its none of my business so within a minute I'll have forgotten that they exist.
4grams@awful.systems · 0 pts · 143d
I say may, only because there are edge cases and exceptions to the rule. Few and far between I’ll grant you.
Still, unresolved parental issues need a partner too, so no skin off my nose..
end_stage_ligma@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 143d
It's like having an allergy to 8+ classes of medication in the chart including "cardiac arrest" for Bendryl. Get the DSM-V.
Lumidaub@feddit.org · 7 pts · 145d
Goddammit I thought you had moved past this.
A_norny_mousse@piefed.zip · 3 pts · 144d
Not sure what you mean but damn this OP is asking weird questions.
Lumidaub@feddit.org · 3 pts · 144d
He is a known quantity and it seemed to me that he had mellowed a bit compared to some things he's posted before but wtf do I know.
A_norny_mousse@piefed.zip · 4 pts · 144d
I didn't go to the 2nd page befor, now I did. It gets weirder. This one caught my eye:
And they never interact with their own posts, which really makes me hate them.
ultranaut@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 145d
Adults can do what they want, but that sounds like a bad idea and I question the judgment of both parties.
just_another_person@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 145d
There's a social slant.
Older female to younger male = men saying YAY
Older male to younger female = gross, ewwww
There is a societal shift happening right now where younger women want to date older men though. I'm assuming it's because they find people their age toxic, despicable, and unpredictable. The fact you have to be on dating apps doesn't help.
The fetishists for older women from a younger male standpoint probably peaked in the 00's. Males wanted a more knowledgeable and sexually experimental woman they couldn't find in their age group (the idea at least). Now...these dudes are fucking insane and can't land a date. I understand why nobody wants to date them.
Just find someone you like being with and stop worrying about the rest. Pay close attention to the red or green flags, and if things are fine, stop worrying about it. Don't let other people dictate your happiness.
Wifi0041@fedinsfw.app · 4 pts · 144d
Isn't this any Leonardo Decaprio relationship?
snooggums@piefed.world · 2 pts · 144d
For less than 12 months, sure.
Tollana1234567@lemmy.today · 1 pts · 144d
dint he date a 17-19yo as one of his most recent partners. the 25yo limit seems to be there to make him not look like a groomer.
insomniac_lemon@lemmy.cafe · 6 pts · 145d
Very questionable, unless of course there's some illegal street racing involved which makes it very cool.
Kolanaki@pawb.social · 5 pts · 145d
Except in cases of one party being an actual minor, age difference doesn't mean shit to me. The heart wants what the heart wants. If there's anything more than that going on, that's what would be sus.
lightnsfw@reddthat.com · 5 pts · 144d
Mostly that it's none of my business. Don't see how that big of a gap really works out long term but if they're happy I'm happy. 25 is old enough to have a good enough idea of how things work to not get taken advantage of (usually).
EvilBit@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 144d
Above the age of consent and I don’t care what age two people are. There may be some details that change that somewhat, e.g., 24-year-old marrying an oblivious rich 90-year-old, etc., but that’s not even about age as much as intention.
Generally speaking, age gap stops mattering once both people are old enough to give valid and informed consent for the other person to do stuff to them.
Heikki2@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 144d
I can see it being difficult relating to one another but if they can get past that and any judgment society puts on them, it could work.
ikidd@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 144d
None of my fucking business.
fizzle@quokk.au · 5 pts · 144d
People on reddit and lemmy have weird ideas about relationships ought to be.
Provided that both people are adults then age in itself isn't a problem.
I mean, if a 25 year old has several 50 year old "boyfriends" who each give her a stack of pocket money each month and pay her rent and everything, more power to her right?
The problems arise from a power imbalance. If an older guy has manipulated a younger woman into getting trapped in a shit relationship then that sucks but its not the age that's the problem.
FuglyDuck@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 144d
I largely agree that it’s not the age that’s the problem.
The thing is that the age is a useful proxy for all sorts of things that might lead to such power imbalances.
Including:
It isn’t absolute, and context matters, but it is a useful proxy.
fizzle@quokk.au · 1 pts · 144d
Forgive me but, describing age as "a useful proxy" just sounds like shitty behavior to me. I'm not trying to say you're a shitty person, just that your comment seems to be sane-washing prejudism.
FWIW I agree. A 50 year old guy "dating" a 25 year old woman has an increased likelihood that a power imbalance exists. However, it's still profiling and prejudiced and a generalisation.
For example, domestic violence may be more prevalent among indigenous communities, but suggesting that indigenous status is "a useful proxy" for a determination that domestic violence is more likely is obviously inappropriate.
FuglyDuck@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 144d
It's not prejudiced at all. a key component of something be a prejudice is that it is unfair, or is somehow unreasonable, etc, and that it is not based in fact. As you yourself noted, there is significant reason to believe such a large age gap may prove to be problematic.
I think the technical term is 'risk factor', if you prefer that.
And yes, significant age gaps are significant risk factors for a toxic relationship. it's not the age itself, necessarily, but it increases the potential for things that are absolutely abusive, and if your doctors know about it, they're going to be fielding more detailed questions to determine if there's a problem. And family might be people who have something to say about it as well. That's not inappropriate.
And it's not really "profiling" either. That's an investigative tactic of collection information about a person. profiling becomes problematic with the information is their race (or something to that effect) and their race becomes the justification for extra attention.
GreyEyedGhost@piefed.ca · 1 pts · 144d
The line I use is, "If I was going to bet on this situation, I'd bet against it, but it's not enough information to make a good judgement in this case." Much like age differences or wealth differences in relationships, or indigenous status and domestic abuse. If that's all the info you have.
Jaegeras@piefed.social · 5 pts · 144d
uenticx@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 144d
There are a mountain of realizations,experience and personal admiration choices in-between those ages. In my experience, I can't look past that over a kinship with a younger individual.
Fredselfish@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 144d
Turning 46 in May. My oldest son is 22, was 24 when he was born. I feel pretty fucking weird. But they both adults so technically not illegal and depending on gender won't be seen as strange.
Cevilia@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 4 pts · 144d
swelter_spark@reddthat.com · 4 pts · 144d
When I was in my 20s, I viewed people in their 40s-50s as parental or even grandparently figures. As an older person, I would be open to dating someone in their 20s if we had a great connection, but I wouldn't make a move unless they expressed an interest first because I wouldn't want to be creepy or make them uncomfortable.
lemming741@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 143d
We answered this question ten years ago
https://xkcd.com/314/
At 46, 30 is the limit
wagesj45@fedia.io · 4 pts · 145d
Not my thing, but none of my business.
ShawiniganHandshake@sh.itjust.works · 4 pts · 144d
socsa@piefed.social · 3 pts · 144d
I'm not your dad, do whatever you want.
dumples@piefed.social · 3 pts · 144d
Both people in a relationship should be mature enough to make an informed decision which should be the case once you hit your mid twenties. However, if you have a larger age gap both of you should encourage greater scrutiny into your relationship and motives. People may question why and both of you should consider reasonable answers.
webp@mander.xyz · 3 pts · 144d
I literally don't care unless it's me, and it probably wouldn't be.
BlameTheAntifa@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 144d
I think they are both stupid and shortsighted, but feelings aren’t supposed to be rational and it’s also none of my business or anyone else’s.
Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 144d
I'm not going to say anything or conspire against them, but it does give me the ick.
Lemminary@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 144d
Meh, go have fun.
timestatic@feddit.org · 2 pts · 143d
It might be fine for the moment but if the relationship stays long term it will be hard when one partner starts to like age and degrade a lot quicker than the other. In the end one might be ill and on the way to death while the other one has quite a bit of time ahead of them. I think that can strain a relationship in the long run
jaemo@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 143d
With my hands.
RebekahWSD@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 144d
It would be very hypocritical of me to care much about it. So I'd wish them luck and to know it won't be easy.
nixukty@lemmy.zip · 2 pts · 144d
wizbiz@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 144d
Gross. It would take a lot to convince me there isn't a power imbalance. Those are 2 significantly different life stages. I would never be able to trust the older person here.
lonlazarus@lemmy.sdf.org · 2 pts · 144d
It's legally fine. The 25 year old doesn't know better. I'll judge the heck out of the 46 year old.
CultLeader4Hire@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 143d
I’m going to go with bad, it makes me feel bad
My age gap is only 9 years but I was 22 at the time and I turn 40 this year and looking back I’m thinking “where were all the adults who were supposed to give me good advice??” Instead of encouraging me into a wildly imbalanced relationship which has been incredibly damaging to me
Tollana1234567@lemmy.today · 2 pts · 144d
its pretty wierd, i knew a former co-worker in another job she was 29, dating a 45-46yo, of course the mom was pissed because hes almost as old as her(long story why the mom was involved). also because such a huge gap, and life experience too. maybe 5-10years is okay, but almost 15-20yo your senior.
also the huge gap in life experience, a 25yo might not have a career yet, family, children, while a 45yo more than likely experience multiple partners and have career,,,etc. also its a POWER imbalance too.
ChristerMLB@piefed.social · 2 pts · 144d
Melobol@lemmy.ml · 2 pts · 144d
As long as both of them getting a good deal out of it, sure. Honestly a 25yo is still pretty easy to take advantage of.
And I kinda agree with the saying: there is a reason why the older one isn't with their age group. Those know better.
StillAlive@piefed.world · 2 pts · 144d
Sugar mommy or sugar daddy?
giacomo@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 2 pts · 144d
mostly nothing
Aeao@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 144d
I have had wider age gaps than that. It’s fine. Btw I date older women I’m not Jeffrey Epstein
pyre@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 142d
i wouldn't find anything common with a 25 year old myself. i think it would be less of an issue if the younger was 30+. obviously the older you are the wider the acceptable gap. once both parties are 35+ i think the gap doesn't matter at all.
Beth@piefed.social · -4 pts · 145d
That 46 year old is in decline, and that 25 year old is in their prime. They will likely have baggage, medical issues, and assorted hangups they may want to impose on the younger partner. They are possibly seeking a younger individual for predatory reasons such as someone young to have biological offspring with, that will put up with a variety of neglects, and will take care of them in the looming decades as they become more frail. All in all, a good time as consenting adults is whatever. But as a relationship? Do not recommend. You’ll be a nurse sooner than you think.
Drusas@fedia.io · 1 pts · 144d
I had a lot more baggage and assorted hangups in my twenties than forties and I'd imagine that's not an uncommon experience. Also already had health issues, but if you're talking long-term relationship, that would certainly become a concern after a couple decades.