I used to have this problem, but I somehow got over it by imagining to piss in the face of the queen of England. Something about unloading in her face while she’s sitting there all prissy like makes me laugh which relaxes my muscles enough to piss.
Or.....Musk, trump, clammy sam Altman and Wario amadim, Stephen Miller, Pete hegseth, 5/7 supreme Court justices, the Palantir creep, Jenson, jensons fucking jacket, that lying fucking cunt at the white House that always wears a stupid little fucking cross, all the other lying fucking cunts at the white House.... Howard fucking lutnik, bibi, Putin,
...this is a fun list! Who else did I miss?
Jk Rowling, Andrew taint, the Kardashians, the Logan brothers and Mr Beast....
Doesn't work for me, must be different room.
In high school I was sometimes late because I had to find empty restroom, which sometimes meant switching between different buildings (4 of them).
Man in the 70s and 80s, especially at things like concerts and sporting events, they would just give men a long trough that continuously sprayed a little water. You could walk all the way around it and pee from any direction. Even as a kid I thought that was an uncomfortable number of dicks all pointed at the same thing.
This reminds me of one night where a group of friends went out drinking. Just before we were going to leave the pub to go to one further down the road one friend said he needed to take a piss. It triggered something in a bunch of us as most of us realised we needed to go.
The toilets were really busy; that situation where you're pissing in what is basically a trough with your elbows touching the elbows of other guys next to you. Immediately on trying to go it just wasn't happening. I stood awkwardly for about a minute, zipped up, washed my hands and went outside.
Everyone gathered round and we started walking. We were walking in silence for about a minute when one guy said "Did anyone else manage to actually pee?" To which loads of us burst out laughing. Turns out we all did the same thing, even though we needed to pee, we all failed to do so.
One time I was in line to piss before watching a Mastodon concert, and I really had to piss, and I stood in line with like 50 dudes waiting for ye olde washroom, and there was like two urinals and a stall. Well fuck me the stall was taken, so not wanting to be a rude dick to every other dude in line I tried to use the urinal. So I whipped out mah johnson, and it was pretty much like the comic, got pee shy, held it for like 30 I don't know 45 seconds or something. Nothing. I'm like looking over my shoulder at this massive line of of dudes behind me. Fuck. So I just pretended to shake it, shoved it back into my pants and was miserable having to piss the whole Mastodon set.
I fucking hate having to piss in public around people. It's so terrible.
So I don't really worry about getting caught "not peeing" or whatever, but I do often take a moment or two to get started.... and I also frequently attend concerts.
I never worry about being watched, but boy do I feel like a jackass sometimes taking thrice as long as everyone else when there's a line out the door between bands.....
Hah, I've literally been there. Imagine a 9'x9' prison cell with two men, steel bunk "beds", and a solid steel toilet. Also, you're high on suboxone because there's not much else to do in prison.
You're a grown man, standing facing the toilet with wiener in hand, with another grown man's head like 3 feet behind your ass. Standing there for what feels like eternity. And you're thinking "Oh shit. He's going to think I don't know how to piss or something. This is weird. His head is way too close to my ass. Fuck, I'd better not fart. I forgot how pain killers and shit can make you unable to piss. It's got to be the sub I took. I have to go so bad but I don't know how to make it work. I did forget how to pee!"
And as you panic, your bunkie finally says something like "What the fuck, dude? Did you forget how to piss?" and all of your fears come true.
I've got this trick. Basically, I start relaxing the muscles on the way to the restroom. Not enough that there's any chance I'll piss myself before I get there. Just enough that by the time I'm in front of the urinal, it's not difficult to start the stream quickly.
There was this one time I felt kindof bad about. went to the restroom where I worked (back before I was working remotely) and used "the trick" as usual. I get there, and there's a guy at one of the urinals already. I peed, flushed, washed my hands, and left the restroom before he produced a drop.
Of course, in all likelihood, "the trick" won't continue to work so well as my beard grows grayer, and some day I'll be the other guy.
I'm arguably a real man's man with typical man likes and man opinions but I won't for the life of me understand this macho stigma against pissing sitting down.
You have no toilet paper at urinals so you put your member back into your underwear with more residual piss on it than you would've otherwise, and splashback of piss particulates back onto your pants is also a thing.
Especially when you drain the lizard in or at something that's not one of those round specifically purpose built porcelain urinals.
Like those unials that are just a big metal plate, a normal toilet, or a wall or tree.
I always thought this comic was upvoted because the absurdity of it is funny, not because it's a thing that people are actually anxious about and therefore relate to.
I could write a lengthy essay about how the design of modern western public bathrooms reflects our social hypocrisies, inconsistencies, and social ills. In fact I have been gathering thoughts for a while now with plans to do so.
And I too opt for a stall whenever possible, I'm a cis-presenting man but I still don't feel safe enough at a urinal for the pee to flow. But this stuff is often invisible to those it doesn't affect adversely.
I feel this, also if I just can't squeeze anything out there is this additional awkward thought process.
When do I put it away? Will they know I didn't pee? Should I shake it to pretend I peed? Oh God there is a child next to me. Now everyone will think I am pretending to pee to see this child's weiner. I can't step away now. I'll just have to wait until the room is empty.
This is one of the reasons why I don't understand how other men use urinals. Like how do you manage the absolute lack of privacy?? And I'm not even talking about hygiene (you don't use toilet paper when using a urinal)
Everybody shows up to do something specific and keeps their eyes on the road. Unless you drop your pants to your ankles or you're packing SERIOUS heat there's nothing to see anyway unless you're way out of your lane.
I find it MUCH weirder to take a dump in a "guest bathroom" that is a half bath with no fan or background noise and is next to the room where people are.
Also... unless it's your first time with a wang, I am perplexed by why you would need toilet paper. Presuming you wash your body regularly and you wash your hands when you're done it's not like you're dipping your fingers in the stream or putting it away wet.
It's just kinda funny we make men piss in troughs cock out side by side while women have always been given the dignity of a door. We really did just go "idk you guys are animals figure it out piss in this hole next to that other pissing guy"
Which is why I always stan a properly built gender neutral bathroom with floor to ceiling doors for everyone. Bliss. Pee in privacy, my toilet is my kingdom.
The wang does remain wet no matter how much you shake it. And that's pretty uncomfortable to me even though I do wash regularly. It's like not washing your hands after eating greasy chicken. Yes, you will eventually wash it off some time later but going around with dirty hands all day long is just unpleasant.
Sitting down to do it isn't quite as fast since you're dropping drawers, and the seat can be a catastrophe that you'd rather not touch on occasion. Nonetheless we should pee as like.
Why not raise the seat and pee while standing? It's a little bit trickier since you have to have a good aim, but it's as quick as with urinals but you get the privacy
I'll do that if the seat is visibly nasty in public restrooms. But generally, maneuvers like this are what makes public restrooms nasty in the first place. So I try to avoid that, even with the seat up.
When I was in boot camp for the Marine corps the rule was three to a urinal. And when we went out to the rifle range for a week or whatever, the toilets were just in a room, six toilets, not a wall in sight, in just a room. I was fortunately not piss shy, but they definitely force it out of you if you are. Fortunately, by the time we were at the range, privacy had stopped being a concern.
This was 2009 when boot camp was still segregated men and women.
It makes more sense when you consider that the point is to get rid of the psychological blocks that would keep you from being able to do your business as quickly as possible whereever possible under whatever circumstances. That three to a urinal thing is under a short time limit.
Yeah, everything is counting down. They start with left sock, right sock, go from there. You have 60+ guys, they'd finish head calls in "100 seconds," and I put them in quote because it's a guy screaming backwards from 100 as fast as he can. And so the point is, yes, removing psychological blocks to certain behaviors, getting you to move fast all the time, and obey orders immediately. It's pretty effective.
Many urinals do have dividers. But also it's just not an issue, everyone is there for the same thing and no one is looking anywhere other than in front anyway. I very much like them because thet mean I don't have to touch a public toilet seat, plus they're the reason there's rarely a line on the men's bathroom.
Ok, since the solution to this problem hasn’t been provided in this thread, here it is:
Start calculating the fibonacci sequence in your head once you can start to pee: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, etc…
The reason why this works is because the calculations use the exact same part of the brain that also causes pee anxiety. Just gove it a try, it works incredibly well. Usually I have a solid flow before I get to 34 and I’ve been using this technique for years so I go through the sequence quite quickly.
The solution to this problem is simple: Just don't use a public bathroom... the world is a giant, enormous shitter with endless and diverse opportunities to more or less hide behind something and let it flow.
Why let yourself be trapped and domesticated? Your Dick wants FREEDOM!
Here's some advice I received years ago for this very situation: if you're struggling to piss due to stage fright, imagine pissing on the head of someone you hate. Really imagine it. Imagine micturating all over their hair (or their scalp), the aghast expression, then them spluttering while trying to mouth 'What the fuck?' it does work. I don't know why it works - and I most definitely don't want to know - but it does work.
I thought I invented this or something, now I have to reconsider my entire life.. I literally used to do this at work in a single stall bathroom but you never know when you might come out and there might be a line of even one person let alone four or five and they're like what the hell you doing in there buddy. But seriously some psychological stuff like that can get you over the hump sometimes. It's really something to consider if you are having problems. I'd prefer to sit down all together, I do all the time at home, but public restrooms, yeah, not unless it's an emergency in the other department.
Now though, it's mostly prostate and bladder issues at 43, but hey, if that's the worst of my problems I guess hell, It could be worse. I mean it's not necessarily the least of my problems but hey, I guess if (trying) to piss standing up is what I'm up against, at least I'm still upright to try, right?
Fuck I don't know where I was going with this but anyway yeah I guess I'm not the only one lol
As a trans guy, I prefer male bathroom culture. I want to do my business and get the fuck out. It was so weird in high school to hang out in the girls restroom and being expected to socialize while trying to shit.
I guess the cultural difference is that women sometimes might need to ask each other for a tampon or something, while men are terrified of being thought to be gay. Have to make absolutely sure you aren’t even getting a side eye at another guys dick.
As a dude, we totally chat and have business talks while peeing together between meetings, nothing awkward at all.
We just have a look to make sure all the stalls are empty and that we are free to speak about anything confidential.
Edit: typo
Imagine me opening Lemmy during my pre movie piss at the urinal only to see this. I hate how accurate this is, but it's amazing. I get nervous pee sooooo bad. It's like everything just freezes up lmao.
Just vocalise your internal monologue like you're on dragon ball z and then start making sounds like you're powering up your ki in your bladder and then blast the porcelain with a urine beam!
I never had this problem when I was younger. Until the day I had a medical examination to be drafted and they wanted me to give them a urine sample and I couldn't. They offered me lots of water (which I drank) but still I couldn't pee for what felt like an hour. Ever since I had problems relaxing.
Takes about that long for the water to get through you. It has to be absorbed but your digestive tract, adopted into the bloodstream and filtered out by the kidneys, all of which is pretty slow.
This for some reason reminds me of when my friend in elementary had a thorn in their finger and their genious idea was, and I'm not even joking (somehow), "if my finger is hurting, wouldn't removing the finger also remove the hurting since in order for my finger to hurt, I need a finger", which while true, they not only failed to see how that the long term not-having-a-finger may not be a good trade off for the short term lack of hurt, but also the fact that removing a finger ALSO HURTS and a lot more at that!!!
(they were stopped from acting on the brilliant idea ofc)
And yes, that is one of my still closest friends, and yes, they are the factually smartest person I know including my former college professors...
The wise learn from the knowledge of their elders. Heed my words younglings: Don't push too hard to try to start. It might push out a massive noisy fart.... Or worse
In the bathroom? Who cares? It's the one place farts are expected/allowed/celebrated whatever your kink. But in no world should it be shunned to fart in a bathroom.
Your body is clenching around the piss pipes, and to pee you must relax. This is difficult if you're not relaxed! Like failing to get to sleep, worrying about it just makes it worse.
185 Comments
MutantTailThing@lemmy.world · 196 pts · 4d
I used to have this problem, but I somehow got over it by imagining to piss in the face of the queen of England. Something about unloading in her face while she’s sitting there all prissy like makes me laugh which relaxes my muscles enough to piss.
HappyCatLuvs_U@lemmy.world · 140 pts · 4d
So thankful the internet still says infinitely more hilarious and baffling things on a daily basis than AI could ever manage.
Honytawk@discuss.tchncs.de · -5 pts · 3d
Why do you think this couldn't have been written by AI?
officermike@lemmy.world · 42 pts · 4d
But what do you do now that there's no queen?
Grail@multiverse.soulism.net · 62 pts · 4d
Obviously the answer is to imagine Margaret Thatcher
NoForwadSlashS@piefed.social · 40 pts · 4d
Jesus, they want to relax not to crack the porcelain.
zebidiah@lemmy.ca · 7 pts · 4d
Or.....Musk, trump, clammy sam Altman and Wario amadim, Stephen Miller, Pete hegseth, 5/7 supreme Court justices, the Palantir creep, Jenson, jensons fucking jacket, that lying fucking cunt at the white House that always wears a stupid little fucking cross, all the other lying fucking cunts at the white House.... Howard fucking lutnik, bibi, Putin,
...this is a fun list! Who else did I miss?
Jk Rowling, Andrew taint, the Kardashians, the Logan brothers and Mr Beast....
Who else?
MurderHobo@thelemmy.club · 4 pts · 4d
Peter Thiel, Larry Ellison, the Indian dude constantly setting off my Microsoft Authenticator
Grail@multiverse.soulism.net · 3 pts · 4d
Clive Palmer and Rupert Murdoch
fyzzlefry@retrolemmy.com · 3 pts · 4d
Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers.
Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
djdarren@piefed.social · 16 pts · 4d
Are you Irish, by any chance?
MutantTailThing@lemmy.world · 25 pts · 4d
Nope I’m Dutch .
Also y’all think I’m joking but I’m dead serious
fyzzlefry@retrolemmy.com · 12 pts · 4d
No one would ever joke about being Dutch.
Honytawk@discuss.tchncs.de · 3 pts · 3d
So why not think about the king of the Netherlands/Belgium?
hemko@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 12 pts · 4d
I tried this, but got a boner instead
olafurp@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 3d
This is what I stay on Lemmy for
usualsuspect191@lemmy.ca · 9 pts · 4d
The Queen and peeing reminds me of this
https://youtu.be/pdE83FX-Mto
Vespair@lemmy.zip · 8 pts · 4d
Absolute cinema
diaphragmwp@discuss.tchncs.de · 7 pts · 4d
You think someone will follow a youtube link in the context of peeing on the queen's face?
teslekova@sh.itjust.works · 7 pts · 4d
Who wouldn't?
syaochan@feddit.it · 8 pts · 4d
I don't think this will help me, but thanks for the laugh
Anarki_@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 6 pts · 4d
In the end she'll be sitting there all pissy.
FreshLight@sh.itjust.works · 4 pts · 4d
Thank you very much for sharing
87Six@lemmy.zip · 4 pts · 4d
One of those comments that comes like a slap in the face with a hand full of cold water, in the morning
socsa@piefed.social · 4 pts · 4d
This is how I'm going to potty train my children. I'm sure it will work out fine.
MutantTailThing@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 4d
Keep em' away from posh elderly ladies otherwise there's gonna be lawsuits out the wazzoo.
yoru77@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 3 pts · 3d
https://tenor.com/view/gem-alert-gem-magnifying-glass-magnifying-glass-gem-subway-gif-990612180836211908
What is opposite of this image/gif? That's how I feel rn
I_Has_A_Hat@lemmy.world · 71 pts · 4d
Pro tip: If you have a shy bladder, you can just go into a stall to pee.
Zarobi@aussie.zone · 41 pts · 4d
The walk of shame to the stall after standing silently surrounded by confident urinators for 3 minutes
Gates9@sh.itjust.works · 49 pts · 4d
Just announce that you were mistaken and you also have to shit, that should dispel any awkwardness.
OldChicoAle@lemmy.world · 35 pts · 4d
Honestly no one cares. Do your thing.
wander1236@sh.itjust.works · 19 pts · 4d
If only anxiety listened to reason
flambonkscious@sh.itjust.works · 3 pts · 4d
Agreed.
However, you can't spend your whole life listening to anxiety - that road leads to madness!
Gates9@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 4d
I still think full disclosure is the best policy, keeps everything above board.
fyzzlefry@retrolemmy.com · 1 pts · 4d
Nope just give the ol': "welp!" And stride on over.
Honytawk@discuss.tchncs.de · 3 pts · 3d
Like other people give a piss.
testaccount789@sh.itjust.works · 12 pts · 4d
Doesn't work for me, must be different room.
In high school I was sometimes late because I had to find empty restroom, which sometimes meant switching between different buildings (4 of them).
socsa@piefed.social · 3 pts · 4d
I had a buddy who got a Doctor's note that let him pee and poop in the nurse's office.
pineapplelover@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 3 pts · 4d
Damn, that sucks. You ever pee outdoors? Is that better
hirihit640@sh.itjust.works · 4 pts · 3d
Old guy from the comic presses his ear to the door "Hey! I don't hear shittin! This guys just pissin in there!"
BlackPenguins@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 3d
Now I need an extra panel with him sliding under the stall like a mechanic under a car.
JcbAzPx@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 3d
That guy is way too interested in other people's evacuations.
Drusas@fedia.io · 4 pts · 4d
Women/girls also frequently suffer from a shy bladder even though stalls are the norm.
0x0@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 13 pts · 4d
It's almost like humans have a biological expectation of privacy when peeing that modern American construction fails to meet.
riquisimo@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 5 pts · 4d
Ever travel abroad? Japan has nice bidets but often times there are NO WALLS between the urinals!!!
doingthestuff@lemy.lol · 12 pts · 4d
Man in the 70s and 80s, especially at things like concerts and sporting events, they would just give men a long trough that continuously sprayed a little water. You could walk all the way around it and pee from any direction. Even as a kid I thought that was an uncomfortable number of dicks all pointed at the same thing.
quarkquasar@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 4d
Gallons of piss flow through the stadium
Hawk@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 2 pts · 4d
About 50/50 in the EU I guess, no walls between urinals are fairly normal, is it that uncommon in the US?
riquisimo@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 1 pts · 3d
It's nearly unheard of, with the exception of the trough urinals at large sporting events.
JcbAzPx@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 3d
That might be a more regional thing. I rarely see dividers between urinals.
doingthestuff@lemy.lol · 3 pts · 4d
Buc-ee's has entered the chat.
ButWhatDoesItAllMean@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 4d
Potty like a rock star
I_Has_A_Hat@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 4d
T-t-t-totally dude!
Logarrhythmia@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 4d
I already do that. Urinals don’t have tp for pp.
okwhateverdude@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 4d
You mean you don't vigorously shake piss droplets all over the place?
Schal330@lemmy.world · 66 pts · 4d
This reminds me of one night where a group of friends went out drinking. Just before we were going to leave the pub to go to one further down the road one friend said he needed to take a piss. It triggered something in a bunch of us as most of us realised we needed to go.
The toilets were really busy; that situation where you're pissing in what is basically a trough with your elbows touching the elbows of other guys next to you. Immediately on trying to go it just wasn't happening. I stood awkwardly for about a minute, zipped up, washed my hands and went outside.
Everyone gathered round and we started walking. We were walking in silence for about a minute when one guy said "Did anyone else manage to actually pee?" To which loads of us burst out laughing. Turns out we all did the same thing, even though we needed to pee, we all failed to do so.
Ursapharm@lemmy.world · 41 pts · 4d
That's a real group of bros
Janjko@lemmy.zip · -30 pts · 4d
More like a group of betas!
ReluctantMuskrat@lemmy.world · 21 pts · 4d
No one is more beta than the guy calling others a beta.
jve@lemmy.world · 18 pts · 4d
Created an account just for this comment huh?
Decoy321@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 3d
Probably evading a ban
MrSmith@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 4d
Which of the male influencers you follow taught you this?
NotASharkInAManSuit@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 4d
Douchebag.
davidagain@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 3d
If you have to insult other people to make yourself feel big, I have no respect whatsoever for you.
UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml · 0 pts · 3d
My pee smells like shit, and my shit sounds like pee.
Bipauler@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 3d
One time I was in line to piss before watching a Mastodon concert, and I really had to piss, and I stood in line with like 50 dudes waiting for ye olde washroom, and there was like two urinals and a stall. Well fuck me the stall was taken, so not wanting to be a rude dick to every other dude in line I tried to use the urinal. So I whipped out mah johnson, and it was pretty much like the comic, got pee shy, held it for like 30 I don't know 45 seconds or something. Nothing. I'm like looking over my shoulder at this massive line of of dudes behind me. Fuck. So I just pretended to shake it, shoved it back into my pants and was miserable having to piss the whole Mastodon set.
I fucking hate having to piss in public around people. It's so terrible.
gigastasio@sh.itjust.works · 46 pts · 4d
tanisnikana@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 4d
That’s Neil Kohney! Can recognize them testicular chins anywhere.
QuinnyCoded@sh.itjust.works · 38 pts · 4d
that guy looks like the dad from cloudy with a chance of meatballs lol
bcgm3@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 3d
I don't get fishing metaphors!
Thought the same thing.
stopforgettingit@lemmy.world · 30 pts · 4d
The comic for the women's bathroom is two girls in stalls waiting for the other one to leave so she can shit.
smuuthbrane@sh.itjust.works · 27 pts · 4d
Great, now I'm not going to be able to pee all day.
schwifty_squanch@lemmy.ml · 6 pts · 4d
Try counting to ten while you pee.
smuuthbrane@sh.itjust.works · 11 pts · 4d
That doesn't work if I can't start peeing!
EggInDisguise@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 25 pts · 4d
I used to sit because it was more comfortable.
Now I sit for... Different reasons lmao
Sadbutdru@sopuli.xyz · 15 pts · 4d
All right then, keep your secrets.
frodo.gif
catsarebadpeople@sh.itjust.works · 6 pts · 4d
There are some clues though
GalacticSushi@piefed.blahaj.zone · 9 pts · 4d
I used to sit because it avoided any splash and is supposedly better for you.
But if we're both being honest, we were probably always sitting for eggy reasons.
RickyRigatoni@piefed.zip · 7 pts · 4d
Penis gnomes.
kbobabob@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 5 pts · 4d
Anybody that has actually cleaned a toilet will be aware of the benefits of sitting
lemmyman@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 4d
Because you might unexpectedly shit too, I presume
Axolotl_cpp@feddit.it · 2 pts · 4d
I guess you should change your name mmh
riquisimo@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 1 pts · 4d
Sitting is also nice because you don't have to worry about potentially wiping the seat.
yoru77@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 1 pts · 3d
Ha! I bet you don't have balls to tell the reason! /s
Vespair@lemmy.zip · 24 pts · 4d
So I don't really worry about getting caught "not peeing" or whatever, but I do often take a moment or two to get started.... and I also frequently attend concerts.
I never worry about being watched, but boy do I feel like a jackass sometimes taking thrice as long as everyone else when there's a line out the door between bands.....
shroomato@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 4d
What makes it especially hard is when the guy next in line is breathing down your neck
catsarebadpeople@sh.itjust.works · 23 pts · 4d
I sit down when I pee. There nothin that crazy bout me.
JimVanDeventer@lemmy.world · 23 pts · 3d
In the urinal? Like, facing forwards?
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 3d
sidesaddle, like a prim and proper lady, all shipshape and bristol fashion
catsarebadpeople@sh.itjust.works · 5 pts · 3d
Like planking face down
RagingRobot@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 3d
You're sitting down but You're not making brown?
catsarebadpeople@sh.itjust.works · 2 pts · 3d
This guy gets it
Abyssian@lemmy.world · 20 pts · 3d
Hah, I've literally been there. Imagine a 9'x9' prison cell with two men, steel bunk "beds", and a solid steel toilet. Also, you're high on suboxone because there's not much else to do in prison.
You're a grown man, standing facing the toilet with wiener in hand, with another grown man's head like 3 feet behind your ass. Standing there for what feels like eternity. And you're thinking "Oh shit. He's going to think I don't know how to piss or something. This is weird. His head is way too close to my ass. Fuck, I'd better not fart. I forgot how pain killers and shit can make you unable to piss. It's got to be the sub I took. I have to go so bad but I don't know how to make it work. I did forget how to pee!"
And as you panic, your bunkie finally says something like "What the fuck, dude? Did you forget how to piss?" and all of your fears come true.
TootSweet@lemmy.world · 13 pts · 4d
I've got this trick. Basically, I start relaxing the muscles on the way to the restroom. Not enough that there's any chance I'll piss myself before I get there. Just enough that by the time I'm in front of the urinal, it's not difficult to start the stream quickly.
There was this one time I felt kindof bad about. went to the restroom where I worked (back before I was working remotely) and used "the trick" as usual. I get there, and there's a guy at one of the urinals already. I peed, flushed, washed my hands, and left the restroom before he produced a drop.
Of course, in all likelihood, "the trick" won't continue to work so well as my beard grows grayer, and some day I'll be the other guy.
0x0@lemmy.zip · 2 pts · 3d
No thinking of waterfalls?
davidagain@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 3d
Honestly, leaving ultra quickly is the kindest thing you can do if he's struggling.
kevinsky@feddit.nl · 12 pts · 3d
I'm arguably a real man's man with typical man likes and man opinions but I won't for the life of me understand this macho stigma against pissing sitting down.
You have no toilet paper at urinals so you put your member back into your underwear with more residual piss on it than you would've otherwise, and splashback of piss particulates back onto your pants is also a thing.
Especially when you drain the lizard in or at something that's not one of those round specifically purpose built porcelain urinals. Like those unials that are just a big metal plate, a normal toilet, or a wall or tree.
dream_weasel@sh.itjust.works · 12 pts · 4d
I always thought this comic was upvoted because the absurdity of it is funny, not because it's a thing that people are actually anxious about and therefore relate to.
TryNotToDi3@lemmy.world · 14 pts · 4d
Oh it's definitely a thing which makes it funnier on top of the absurdity.
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 3d
one day you're the dude with the hair, then you grow a mustache or something idk how this universe's power scaling works
infinitesunrise@slrpnk.net · 12 pts · 3d
I could write a lengthy essay about how the design of modern western public bathrooms reflects our social hypocrisies, inconsistencies, and social ills. In fact I have been gathering thoughts for a while now with plans to do so.
And I too opt for a stall whenever possible, I'm a cis-presenting man but I still don't feel safe enough at a urinal for the pee to flow. But this stuff is often invisible to those it doesn't affect adversely.
davidagain@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 3d
!subscribe
polle@feddit.org · 3 pts · 3d
Sounds like an interesting read that i would want to read. Also, having some paper to dry up is also really nice.
MeatPilot@sh.itjust.works · 12 pts · 4d
I feel this, also if I just can't squeeze anything out there is this additional awkward thought process.
When do I put it away? Will they know I didn't pee? Should I shake it to pretend I peed? Oh God there is a child next to me. Now everyone will think I am pretending to pee to see this child's weiner. I can't step away now. I'll just have to wait until the room is empty.
the bathroom never empties out, I die there.
myszka@lemmy.ml · 12 pts · 4d
This is one of the reasons why I don't understand how other men use urinals. Like how do you manage the absolute lack of privacy?? And I'm not even talking about hygiene (you don't use toilet paper when using a urinal)
dream_weasel@sh.itjust.works · 13 pts · 4d
Everybody shows up to do something specific and keeps their eyes on the road. Unless you drop your pants to your ankles or you're packing SERIOUS heat there's nothing to see anyway unless you're way out of your lane.
I find it MUCH weirder to take a dump in a "guest bathroom" that is a half bath with no fan or background noise and is next to the room where people are.
Also... unless it's your first time with a wang, I am perplexed by why you would need toilet paper. Presuming you wash your body regularly and you wash your hands when you're done it's not like you're dipping your fingers in the stream or putting it away wet.
1egg4u@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 4d
It's just kinda funny we make men piss in troughs cock out side by side while women have always been given the dignity of a door. We really did just go "idk you guys are animals figure it out piss in this hole next to that other pissing guy"
Which is why I always stan a properly built gender neutral bathroom with floor to ceiling doors for everyone. Bliss. Pee in privacy, my toilet is my kingdom.
Honytawk@discuss.tchncs.de · 2 pts · 3d
... we also have private rooms with toilets you know. How else do you think we go nr2? Shit in our hands and fling it around?
Urinals are just more convenient and quicker, and nobody forces you to use them.
1egg4u@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 3d
You dont shit in your hand and fling it around? Aw man ive been doing it wrong this whole time
myszka@lemmy.ml · 0 pts · 1d
The wang does remain wet no matter how much you shake it. And that's pretty uncomfortable to me even though I do wash regularly. It's like not washing your hands after eating greasy chicken. Yes, you will eventually wash it off some time later but going around with dirty hands all day long is just unpleasant.
dream_weasel@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 1d
I guess I don't follow. Are you saying that you give it a good jostle and it's wet all day? Or are you literally talking about your hands?
As for me, I don't have that sort of feeling personally. That doesn't invalidate what you've got going on of course.
myszka@lemmy.ml · 1 pts · 18h
I mean it becomes dirty after the leftover urine dries up. I'm sure for some people it's okay, but I really dislike it.
hirihit640@sh.itjust.works · 5 pts · 3d
Same way people handle bathhouses in asian countries. You learn to stop caring so much about your naked body
uniquethrowagay@feddit.org · 5 pts · 4d
Urinals are so weird. I only use them if there is no free or reasonable clean stall. Sitting down to pee is in every way superior.
ReluctantMuskrat@lemmy.world · 8 pts · 4d
Sitting down to do it isn't quite as fast since you're dropping drawers, and the seat can be a catastrophe that you'd rather not touch on occasion. Nonetheless we should pee as like.
myszka@lemmy.ml · 1 pts · 1d
Why not raise the seat and pee while standing? It's a little bit trickier since you have to have a good aim, but it's as quick as with urinals but you get the privacy
uniquethrowagay@feddit.org · 1 pts · 19h
I'll do that if the seat is visibly nasty in public restrooms. But generally, maneuvers like this are what makes public restrooms nasty in the first place. So I try to avoid that, even with the seat up.
Dozzi92@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 4d
When I was in boot camp for the Marine corps the rule was three to a urinal. And when we went out to the rifle range for a week or whatever, the toilets were just in a room, six toilets, not a wall in sight, in just a room. I was fortunately not piss shy, but they definitely force it out of you if you are. Fortunately, by the time we were at the range, privacy had stopped being a concern.
This was 2009 when boot camp was still segregated men and women.
hefty4871@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 4d
How long does it take to piss? 60 seconds? Couldn't they just wait and go one after another?
historicaldocuments@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 4d
Never served; don't know for sure.
It makes more sense when you consider that the point is to get rid of the psychological blocks that would keep you from being able to do your business as quickly as possible whereever possible under whatever circumstances. That three to a urinal thing is under a short time limit.
Read up on what snipers do.
Dozzi92@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 4d
Yeah, everything is counting down. They start with left sock, right sock, go from there. You have 60+ guys, they'd finish head calls in "100 seconds," and I put them in quote because it's a guy screaming backwards from 100 as fast as he can. And so the point is, yes, removing psychological blocks to certain behaviors, getting you to move fast all the time, and obey orders immediately. It's pretty effective.
myszka@lemmy.ml · 1 pts · 1d
That is quite brutal. But it does seem to be very effective. This is interesting. Thanks for sharing your story!
underscores@lemmy.zip · 2 pts · 4d
urinals are weird and no one likes them
not only that but there are no dividers between the urinals, which you would think as a completely basic necessity
the alternative is using a toilet that some animal could have nuked
LwL@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 3d
Many urinals do have dividers. But also it's just not an issue, everyone is there for the same thing and no one is looking anywhere other than in front anyway. I very much like them because thet mean I don't have to touch a public toilet seat, plus they're the reason there's rarely a line on the men's bathroom.
0x0@lemmy.zip · 1 pts · 3d
The same way as when i'm in swing bars.
myszka@lemmy.ml · 1 pts · 1d
Damn so my friends who use urinals... Interesting.
Pringles@sopuli.xyz · 10 pts · 4d
Ok, since the solution to this problem hasn’t been provided in this thread, here it is:
Start calculating the fibonacci sequence in your head once you can start to pee: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, etc…
The reason why this works is because the calculations use the exact same part of the brain that also causes pee anxiety. Just gove it a try, it works incredibly well. Usually I have a solid flow before I get to 34 and I’ve been using this technique for years so I go through the sequence quite quickly.
okwhateverdude@lemmy.world · 12 pts · 4d
Pringles@sopuli.xyz · 4 pts · 4d
Just try it and judge for yourself.
corvi@piefed.social · 9 pts · 4d
Start holding your breath when you walk into the bathroom. Breathe out and start your flow.
UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml · 9 pts · 3d
I wish I could sit down when I pee, but my dick and balls are so long they get dunked when I do so. 😔
OriginEnergySux@lemmy.world · 11 pts · 3d
I know what you mean, my dingley dangleys are so big that i have to use a hand rail to support the weight shift when i unsheathe 😔
silasmariner@programming.dev · 2 pts · 3d
I can only sit on some toilets. Others are OK. Depth and curve of the bowl front.
I have never touched the water. And my balls have never been a problem here...
Bipauler@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 3d
Uh, Relevant username? (My DMs are open lol)
HieroProtagonist@lemmy.ml · 9 pts · 4d
The solution to this problem is simple: Just don't use a public bathroom... the world is a giant, enormous shitter with endless and diverse opportunities to more or less hide behind something and let it flow.
Why let yourself be trapped and domesticated? Your Dick wants FREEDOM!
fennesz12@feddit.dk · 8 pts · 3d
Pissing with shy bladder protip: Do some multiplication tables in your head. What's 7x6? 8x6? 4x12?
Takes up enough concentration that it easily starts to flow. Made this trick up years back and it has never failed me.
titanicx@lemmy.zip · -3 pts · 3d
I just stand there and go pee.
davidagain@lemmy.world · 14 pts · 3d
That's a pissing without shy bladder protip, that is.
Valmond@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 8 pts · 4d
Sit sit sit on the urinal!
GelatinGeorge@lemmy.world · 7 pts · 3d
Here's some advice I received years ago for this very situation: if you're struggling to piss due to stage fright, imagine pissing on the head of someone you hate. Really imagine it. Imagine micturating all over their hair (or their scalp), the aghast expression, then them spluttering while trying to mouth 'What the fuck?' it does work. I don't know why it works - and I most definitely don't want to know - but it does work.
You're all most welcome :)
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 9 pts · 3d
Now I'm erect and peeing is even harder?
davidagain@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 3d
Is this kink specifically about pissing on people you hate, or is it just generally pissing on people that brings mr peepee to attention?
Bipauler@sh.itjust.works · 1 pts · 3d
What the actual fuck?...
I thought I invented this or something, now I have to reconsider my entire life.. I literally used to do this at work in a single stall bathroom but you never know when you might come out and there might be a line of even one person let alone four or five and they're like what the hell you doing in there buddy. But seriously some psychological stuff like that can get you over the hump sometimes. It's really something to consider if you are having problems. I'd prefer to sit down all together, I do all the time at home, but public restrooms, yeah, not unless it's an emergency in the other department.
Now though, it's mostly prostate and bladder issues at 43, but hey, if that's the worst of my problems I guess hell, It could be worse. I mean it's not necessarily the least of my problems but hey, I guess if (trying) to piss standing up is what I'm up against, at least I'm still upright to try, right?
Fuck I don't know where I was going with this but anyway yeah I guess I'm not the only one lol
🤷🏽
riquisimo@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 7 pts · 4d
This makes me think about when women talk about going into the bathroom and casually chatting, and don't understand why guys don't do the same.
The feeling inside a bathroom is fundamentally different depending on the door sign. I kinda wonder if there's a culture shock for trans people.
andros_rex@lemmy.world · 6 pts · 4d
As a trans guy, I prefer male bathroom culture. I want to do my business and get the fuck out. It was so weird in high school to hang out in the girls restroom and being expected to socialize while trying to shit.
I guess the cultural difference is that women sometimes might need to ask each other for a tampon or something, while men are terrified of being thought to be gay. Have to make absolutely sure you aren’t even getting a side eye at another guys dick.
ndupont@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 4d
As a dude, we totally chat and have business talks while peeing together between meetings, nothing awkward at all. We just have a look to make sure all the stalls are empty and that we are free to speak about anything confidential. Edit: typo
Zacryon@feddit.org · 6 pts · 4d
So what? Everyone needs to be held once in a while, including my weener. It's very comforting.
JackbyDev@programming.dev · 6 pts · 4d
Imagine me opening Lemmy during my pre movie piss at the urinal only to see this. I hate how accurate this is, but it's amazing. I get nervous pee sooooo bad. It's like everything just freezes up lmao.
Proprietary_Blend@lemmy.world · 10 pts · 4d
Imagine not looking at your phone while pissing in a public bathroom.
greasewizard@slrpnk.net · 9 pts · 4d
So that's why there's so much piss on the floor
musubibreakfast@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 4d
Just vocalise your internal monologue like you're on dragon ball z and then start making sounds like you're powering up your ki in your bladder and then blast the porcelain with a urine beam!
affenlehrer@feddit.org · 6 pts · 4d
I never had this problem when I was younger. Until the day I had a medical examination to be drafted and they wanted me to give them a urine sample and I couldn't. They offered me lots of water (which I drank) but still I couldn't pee for what felt like an hour. Ever since I had problems relaxing.
davidagain@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 3d
Takes about that long for the water to get through you. It has to be absorbed but your digestive tract, adopted into the bloodstream and filtered out by the kidneys, all of which is pretty slow.
WoodScientist@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 4d
I solved my issues with urinals by simply removing my ability to use a urinal.
MrChewy@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 4d
This for some reason reminds me of when my friend in elementary had a thorn in their finger and their genious idea was, and I'm not even joking (somehow), "if my finger is hurting, wouldn't removing the finger also remove the hurting since in order for my finger to hurt, I need a finger", which while true, they not only failed to see how that the long term not-having-a-finger may not be a good trade off for the short term lack of hurt, but also the fact that removing a finger ALSO HURTS and a lot more at that!!! (they were stopped from acting on the brilliant idea ofc)
And yes, that is one of my still closest friends, and yes, they are the factually smartest person I know including my former college professors...
JcbAzPx@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 3d
Actually, from what I've heard from amputees, that's not true at all.
MrChewy@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 3d
I mean, yeah, phantom pain is a thing, but a 7yo me didn't know that tbf :P
cRazi_man@europe.pub · 4 pts · 4d
The wise learn from the knowledge of their elders. Heed my words younglings: Don't push too hard to try to start. It might push out a massive noisy fart.... Or worse
jumperalex@lemmy.world · 4 pts · 4d
In the bathroom? Who cares? It's the one place farts are expected/allowed/celebrated whatever your kink. But in no world should it be shunned to fart in a bathroom.
socsa@piefed.social · 1 pts · 4d
Oh damn, ok, but my kink is bathroom fart shaming
jumperalex@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 4d
Thank you for being brave enough to share that with me.
jumperalex@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 4d
Thank you for being brave enough to share that with me.
eezeebee@lemmy.ca · 3 pts · 4d
A baby!
CorrenteAlternata@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 2 pts · 4d
— Mom, where do babies come from?
— Well, you know... when you are on the toilet... and you push too much... sometimes... you know?
That kid is gonna be traumatised for sure!
0x0@lemmy.zip · 1 pts · 3d
The Spanish inquisition.
HertzDentalBar@lemmy.blahaj.zone · 3 pts · 4d
"you wanna hold it next?"
0x0@lemmy.zip · 2 pts · 3d
Cute comments and all, but is there a psychological explanation?
embed_me@programming.dev · 6 pts · 3d
Just getting anxious can halt those processes and the need to go I presume as part of fight flight response
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 5 pts · 3d
This must be why I immediately fight any man who stands next to me at a urinal. Only one of us can pee, my man, and today ain't your day. I need this!
davidagain@lemmy.world · 3 pts · 3d
Your body is clenching around the piss pipes, and to pee you must relax. This is difficult if you're not relaxed! Like failing to get to sleep, worrying about it just makes it worse.
TryingToBeGood@reddthat.com · 2 pts · 3d
it even has a name; search "shy bladder"
RichardNixos@lemmy.ml · 1 pts · 3d
I don't have shy bladder, my urethra just looks like one of those crazy straws with all the loop-da-loops, just takes a while make it to the exit
MehBlah@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 3d
Meh I quit worrying about his ages ago. If someone has something to say I get ask them if they are a perv.
Zen_Shinobi@lemmy.world · 2 pts · 3d
Then you pee all over your pants and shoes and have to tell everyone the sink sprayed you.
Lushed_Lungfish@lemmy.ca · 2 pts · 4d
Would you prefer to hold it for me?
WhoIzDisIz@lemmy.today · 2 pts · 4d
I won't stand for this!!!
beejboytyson@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 3d
"He clearly thinks I'm a homosexual"
buddascrayon@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 3d
Sitting or, more precisely, squatting is all in all more healthy for your prostate as well.
ivanafterall@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 3d
Tankies 🙄
(jk)
CleoTheWizard@lemmy.world · 1 pts · 4d
This is definitely why I sit to pee and it has absolutely nothing to do with being an egg at all.
Janx@piefed.social · 1 pts · 4d
"weener"?
riquisimo@lemmy.dbzer0.com · 3 pts · 4d
Yeah, for when you wee.
Janx@piefed.social · 1 pts · 4d
Oh, really. What are we going to call the butt, a "poop-er"? Wait...
TheImpressiveX@lemmy.today · 1 pts · 4d
Anaconda (2025)
Sam_Bass@lemmy.world · 0 pts · 3d
bullshit. you dont have to sit pissing in a stall