What is the laziest, most anti-elitist way to make coffee?

Do it like a tequila slammer: drink a shot of water, lick instant coffee, bite into a creamer cup.

Make a gallon of instant, store it in the fridge. When u want a cup, pour it and warm it in the microwave. You're set for weeks!

I can’t find it now but I once read a (probably Reddit) post about an engineer who had access to extremely high pressure hydraulics, and force-extruded ultrafine coffee through a semipermeable membrane at something crazy like 100bar.

Edit: Oh you said anti-elitist. Nevermind, my bad.

Instant coffee, the cappuccino kind with disgusting powdered milk and caramel flavored.

My husband used to microwave water and use that microwaved water to make instant coffee. I think mixing it then microwaving it is the only thing that could make it worse. Or instant coffee from the spoon.

Had a rowing Buddy that would make "death in Stalingrad": standard coffee drip machine. Put in powdered coffee and fill with vodka. Both coffee and vodka as cheap as humanly possible. Let her rip and "enjoy". Worst coffee experience I ever had. Like worse than having the shits and vomiting at the same time.

Instant in warm water from the tap, without running the tap for it to get hot. That would take too much effort.

Put a pinch of grounds between your cheek and gums.

Buy a cup of Tim Hortons.

I think the worst and most offensive coffee I ever drank was out of a vending machine which also served soup through the same nozzle.

For all the people mocking instant: it will never be a great cup of coffee, but some aren't half bad. Also very easy and convenient when making coffee flavoured drinks or deserts etc...

I am definitely a coffee snob. I roast my own single origin green beans, manually grind to perfection and pour over/espresso with the best of them.

I do turkish coffee, mocha pot, and even my own chocolate covered coffee beans and a home distilled coffee liqueur. I still have a jar of instant coffee...

1: Get the coffee from any fast food restaurant delivered (Burger King is real bad)

2: (Optional) Microwave it since it'll probably be cold

3: Too Much store brand flavored creamer (not cream, can't have real dairy) in it

4: Topped with the fakest whipped "cream" you can find. Preferably just a spoonful of the stuff you find in the freezer aisle

Technically still coffee, but I think this would be illegal to serve in at least 50 countries. Will be a solid 1/10 cup at best, both in terms of taste, and aesthetics

Meh, making good coffee doesn't have to be elitest. Good coffee can be very accessible.

Get some unroasted beans and cook them like pinto beans.

Whole bean unbroken put into a pot on the stove boiled for quite some time.

Fuck you in a cup

Edit: put instant into an espresso machine

Cowboy coffee. Pot of water and coffee grinds, boil, shock with cold water to drop out most of the granules, drink

Grap a bag of pre-ground coffee, the cheaper the better, and throw a bunch in a pot along with cold water straight from the tap. Place on the stove at high heat and serve once its boiling. Cheap, easy and requires no special equipment and likely terrible.

Pour instant coffee into a bowl, add milk, and eat it with a spoon like a bowl of cereal.

I think making bad coffee in a bad way is not offensive to coffee snobs. What would be offensive to coffee snob would be to get some extremely expensive boutique coffee beans and prepare them in a snob way where each step is wrong. Example:

• get single original, unwashed fermented with who knows what 80€/kg beans
• prepare them with a Chemex, using a recycled filter paper (if this ever exists)
• measures your beans in a measuring cup, 5 cups / L of water
• grind the beans with a blender (any grind size is fine)
• skip weting the filter, just put your grinded beans in the filter
• boil a tap water kettle to 100°C
• pour all the water at once until the filter is topped up (do not measure obviously)
• wait until it drains
• server and enjoy

Chew a coffee bean and then take a swig of water

See, I envision this as something that a semi-normal someone might think of as a slightly unusual yet perfectly fine way to make coffee, but that would baffle a coffee snob.

Boil plain tap water in a pot, or maybe a plain beaten up old kettle, if you never one. Bring it to a full boil.

While that's going on, pull out your nicest coffee cups - like if you have the ones with the little saucers, that's great. Put them on a tray with a doily if you have one. Put cream and sugar in formal containers, with a special small sugar spoon (or tongs if you're going with sugar cubes). Have some small pretty napkins to go with, maybe a bud vase with a rose and some baby's breath.

Get some ground (or maybe instant?) coffee and put it in a couple of those single-serving tea infusers. Put them on the tray as well.

Let them see you in the kitchen, pouring the water from your manky beat up pot/kettle into the fancy cups. Put everything on the tray and bring it out. Then blithely put the tea infuser into the cup and let the coffee steep at the table-side, like if you were having tea.

It's fancy enough to have them questioning whether this is some special way of preparing coffee that they're just not aware of (or maybe a new TikTok trend), but it's really just you messing with them.

Hit the coffee seeds with a rock and then toss the dust in a cup of water... a cold one.

Chew on the coffee beans and clear your mouth by drinking water.

Kopiko hard-candy + hammer + water + microwave.

The one I experienced in France long ago. We had been driving through the night and were in desperate need for coffee, so we stopped at a small rest stop. Ordered coffees for all of us.

They had a large, battered metal pot on the stove, and used a soup ladle to pour the coffee into the mugs. Complete with coffee grounds. Nobody knows how long this stuff was simmering there. It could have been days. Or weeks. Or since B.C.

I like my coffee strong, but that stuff was vile.

Camp coffee. It comes in its own filter, like a tea bag. You throw it in a pot of boiling water, and it turns to coffee.

Put a spoon full of coffee pouder in a cup and poor hot water on it. Let it set and drink it like Turkish coffee.

Simple, no elitist destruction or irony.

I guess the instant coffee is the worst you can do. Put to extreme, just lick on some coffeine tablet while spraying coffee aroma into the air.

Beans and water in a blender, then to the microwave?

"Laziest", an "get creative", are in conflict.

Get a tight mesh strainer and a mixing bowl. Put preground coffee into the strainer and poir hot water through it from an electric kettle. It's not meaningfully different from making pour over coffee in a chemex, but I bet you it'll make the coffee snobs real twitchy.

Just eat the beans.

Don't make any at all and just drink the water. That'll show them.

Grab a used cup of instant ramen from your trash, add coffee beans (don't grind them), add water from tap (any temperature is fine), put paper ramen lid on top and allow to steep. Forget about it and then drink it an hour lster.

As a different approach is coffee ice cream technically coffee? Scoop into mug, put in microwave, and heat until mug is unsafe to touch.

I think the instant coffee way is the easiest/laziest option I've seen recommended so far, the only thing I'd add would be to use a can of whipped cream to top off the cup. The shake and spray kind so people can hear you do it.

Grounds in paper filter, dunk in water, then suck on it like it's a used teabag. Bonus points if you have a cup of water nearby to re-moisten the grounds every so often.

Step A) Mix 1 Tbs of instant coffee for each 2oz of roasted beans. In an old crew sock.

Step B) Put the sock on the counter.

Step C) Hit the sock repeatedly with a cast iron skillet for about 5 minutes.

Step D) put the sock with coffee still inside inside a 40 oz stanley tumbler.

Step E) drive around until you find someone having a baby at home.

Step F) wait to see if the baby lives. If so they won't need the pot of water they bolied to make dead baby soup. Congratulate them and take thier water while it is still steaming.

Step G) pour the water into your Stanley and decant your fresh coffee. Should be ready in 5 minutes. Remove the sock, squeeze out any coffee juices into Stanley.

Step H) enjoy?

Why are you trying to make coffee when you could just get it from Starbucks?

instant granules sprinkled on top of ice cream, call it an affigato. Bonus points for international roast.

Make a small espresso in the way you know your target victem/snob prefers. Including the use of the right small cup, the most fancy beans you can get your hands on, and the best espresso machine you can afford. But instead of handing this small cup of goodness over to the exited snob, you poor it into a pot. The bigger the pot, the better. Then add lukewarm water until the pot is full. Now stare your victem in the eyes, and deadpan tell then that you now have drink-ready coffee for the whole party.

before instant coffee displaced them, percolators were very popular. (CW: "continually cycling the boiling or nearly boiling brew through the grounds")

pour grounds directly into hot water (boil it, who even gives a fuck, but don’t you dare put a thermometer in there), pour through a fine mesh strainer, tell yourself the grit builds grit.

Back in my day, we took the MRE instant coffee and packed it in behind the bottom lip and gum, like tabacco. It was awful, but no hot water and long days need caffeine; Im almost thankful for Rip-its. I make coffee now by microwaving a cup of cold tap, then adding a spoonful of instant. It is fast and makes a good cup. Pretty sure every coffee snob would not talk to me.

So it's actually a hard challenge you know, because they "lazy" and the "anti-coffee" elements frequently end up in conflict with each other. Like, the ultimate lazy coffee is putting a couple of spoonfuls of instant in a glass of water and shoving that baby into the microwave on full blast for a minute.

But I would say the most anti-coffee stuff is Starbucks type "coffee drinks" where you use more milk, whipped cream and flavoured syrup than coffee. So that's ultimately my suggestion, I think, even though it takes some effort. Loads of milk, caramel or vanilla syrup, whipped cream, maybe cocoa and sugar dusting on the whipped cream. Bonus points if you have a mug with "I ♥️ coffee" you can pour it in.

Chew coffee beans to paste, gargle boiling water for 60 seconds, swallow

Use an espresso machine, but keep pressing the button until it's filled the (large) cup all the way up.

My morning method is fairly lazy. I get my french press, toss in a asian-style soup spoon of pre-ground coffee, cover with ~89 degree water from the kettle, wait 5 mins, push plunger down and pour.

Heat milk in microwave.
Add a half teaspoon of instant coffee.
Enthusiastically call it a latte.

Suggestion 2: Reuse the coffee in a filter/coffee pod/espresso filter. It's disgusting, weak, and technically coffee.

I’ve only read a few posts so sorry if this winds up being a repeat of something others have suggested:

Empty the contents of a Keurig (best if it’s some kind of flavored coffee) into a tea bag. Boil water in microwave. Steep coffee from teabag in said water.

Just Folgers pre-ground. No matter what you do it's coming out like it filtered through grampa's coffin.

I mean... Dalgona Coffee exists.

Drink water instead. But in a coffee cup, buy swear that this is the latest style of coffee drinking that if you believe hard enough, it is coffee.

buy pre-ground coffee. that's guaranteed to be the worst.

I’m looking for the most offensive-to-coffee-snobs approach to making coffee possible.

Boil water, pour in coffee cup, add tea bag. Coffee snobs hate this one trick.

Drip brew? Instant?

All of this is so unhinged that its just gonna come off as rage bait. I feel that, if you really wanna piss off a coffee snob, you'd be better off just really earnestly enjoying some extremely pedestrian coffee. Maybe Instant; Maybe one of those blueberry flavored drip brewed coffees from, like 7/11 or Wawa (make sure its not fresh); or maybe one of those bottled Dunks iced coffees; or maybe just insist you like prefer Monster and crack a 1 liter reclosable Monster can.

Like, as a coffee enjoyer, I find myself most frequently disappointed by Keurig coffee, for whatever thats worth.

• eat 1/3 of a cup of grounds
• wash it down with maalox
• wait 15 minutes
• fill cup and serve

Two spoons instant, one spoon sugar, hot water, splash of milk. Peak cheapest insta brand, like you local Lidl.

I just slurp spilled coffee out of the entrance rug at Starbucks

Eat handfuls of instant coffee with your bare, unwashed hands

Lightly crush beans with meat tenderizer and pour into small mesh bags that you can pop into hot water later and let it "brew" for a few minutes.

Yes, basically describe turning the coffee making process into the tea making process and bill it as "more portable coffee". Coffee anywhere anytime.

Clever Dripper or the French Press. Because I think what will get coffee elitist absolutely sputtering is that they can't argue with the fact you can get a great cup of coffee without spending a lot of money, without complex gizmos, and without arcane rituals.

Instant "espresso" martini.

powder coffee (Löskaffee in german, not sure how to translate this properly)

edit: instant coffee

edit 2: it is delicious btw. the only reason why it's "anti-elitist" is because it's not spending a lot of money on luxury products. one package with 200g or sth has lasted me more than a year now.

I'm not a regular user of caffeine but when I need a cup of coffee or tea it's instant coffee or tea bag with hot tap water, and a 30 second microwave to get it hotter. Still tastes better than most fast food joints that have long drive thru lines in the morning for burnt shit in a cup.

Instant coffee - tip from a instant coffee drinker

Just tell them you add fish sauce to your coffee for the umami factor and that, really, they should try

Get instant cafe and sniff it like cocaine. Like they do in orange is the new black

Chew coffee beans and swish hot water in your mouth.

Good beans are important. Single origin farm. Light roast, not too old, ideally local roaster.
Next, open the bag and let it sit. There are all sorts of volatiles in those beans. Sounds scary.
A month later, crush them with a hammer and boil in a pot for 5 minutes.
Optionally sieve into a cup. Add banana flavouring. Serve luke-warm.

I just showed this post to a coffee aficionado. He only made it through a couple of comments, let out the biggest sigh I've ever heard from him and handed me my phone back.

Laziest? Sure, but it's not creative.

I take a mug, put the preground coffee in it, pour boiling water on it, stir it so the grounds mostly settle to the bottom, let it cool for a bit and drink. Quite common where I come from. I make it pretty strong too. People accuse me of drinking asphalt, but I enjoy it a bit more than most of those cheap automatic espresso machines.

You'll get a bit in your teeth, that's there for extra flavour and kick.

basically any form of instant. Want coffee with creamer and sugar = 3 in 1 pack. Want coffee with just cream or just sugar then get a 2 in 1 specific to that.

Make a pot of tea?

Edit: nm... Missed the still needs to be technically coffee stipulation

Going to 7/11 and buying a bottled Starbucks mocha.

Eat the beans whole.

One cup? Aero Press. All you need is grounds, hot water, a cup and the press. You can do this camping in the woods or on a work site no problem and it's effective so long as you have a way to heat the water.

French Press is my go to method for multiple cups, and it's similarly easy/travel convenient. I like the coffee that comes out of it (even when I've only got pre-ground coffee), you can use a paper filter with it if you don't want the fats/oils, or you have fine ground coffee, and it makes multiple cups.

Both the above methods are easy to clean too.

But I have had some perfectly find coffee all over the world from every method including drip coffee and so on.

My honest to God requirements are just that the coffee is relatively fresh and the contraption for brewing is clean.

I'm not sure I care about much else unless its burnt. Instant coffee is perfectly fine.

Just add water to yesterday’s coffee grounds. Second brew is a free brew.

Coffee snob here. I once talked at lengths about how great specialty coffee is, the breadth and depth of flavours, the intricacies of extraction, etc. bla bla.

When i was done, he just looked at me and said “you know, sometimes when i get to work early in the morning and there is still left over coffee in the machine from the day before i just poor it in in my mug and drink it”

So yeah i think one day old, stale, cold, cheap supermarket coffee is up there i think. I don’t think you need to be a snob to find that offensive

I don’t see any value in it if you aren’t going to brew it and taste it: are you? :)

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1.5 cups grounds to every 4 cups water, a bucket, mix em and throw in fridge for 3 days